And I thought they were treasured memories

A few weeks ago l read a post at SisB's site that reminded me of something from my own deployment. From another commenter, I know I wasn't the only one who experienced this and I was hoping to hear some of your stories and feelings about where the letters you send end up once a deployment ends.

Before Seadaddy left for his deployment we went to a craft store and bought three unfinished wooden boxes for us to keep our deployment letters and postcards in. I let Seadaddy know that in addition to whatever Navy and Army things he had, I was adding painting the boxes for both my stepdaughter and myself to his predeployment checklist. He was able to work on them, but they weren't finished and his bigger box was not even started. I really just wanted to have a specific place with a Seadaddy touch to keep these things, especially since my stepdaughter wouldn't be around for every mail call moment at our house.

Perhaps I should confess that I knew if I was lucky my husband would feel inclined to write about as much as Sarah's husband. So, in an effort to help keep myself from being a bitter betty and hit him with a subtle hint the size of a sledgehammer, I set about making him a special wifeunit deployment folder of ocd goodness. I printed out pages of his APO address on address label paper. And pages of address labels of all of our family and friends he might want to send something to. I also bought some postcard paper. I found some online resources for coloring pages and put the image of Cinderella and other stepdaughter favorites on some of the postcards. Then there were some that said 'A Special Message From Daddy/Seadaddy'. Or my personal favorite 'Greetings From . . . Wherever I Am'. Last in there were some blank cards and a  notepad with some envelopes. I am pretty sure he was all set to go. And that I possibly do in fact have control issues.

I know he didn't use up all I sent with him, and except for a couple address changes and forgotten ones from the first go round, I didn't need to send him anything additional. But I think this is something I'm going to repeat in the future.  I saw everything Seadaddy sent to my mom still hanging up on her wall when I went out to see her a month ago. I still go through my box from time to time. And even more exciting, we are getting close to the time when stepdaughter and I can go through her box and she will be able to read her dad's words all by herself.

But Seadaddy's box is rather empty.

One day close to his starting the journey home, we were talking on the phone and he told me all nonchalantly that he had burned his mail. I was slightly horrified. He was insistant that there was just too much and it would be ridiculous to bring it back or ship it back and most importantly - he had wanted to do it. My husband was coming home. Soon. I did my best to let it go and not make disappointment lead to some kind of fight. But can I just say, I was hurt! He was there when we bought the boxes. We bought a bigger one for him since he would have many people writing to him. Why did we do that if he was just going to dump them in a burn bin and have them turn to ash?! I figured there might be some that didn't make the trip back. The classes of the brother and sister in my sister's taekwondo school might not have made the cut. But the first one I wrote after we found out we were having a boy? The first one I sent after Little Man was born? Some of the awesome stepdaughter drawings she did in cards we sent to him? These were things I imagined we would keep around until they disintegrated.

And as I was reading the comment that someone else's spouse burned their expressions of love to a crisp I must have smiled with relief that I was not the only one that had experienced this, because Seadaddy wanted to know what it was that made me smile. So I gave him the particulars. And he says in as much accuracy as time allows, "I love you Jenn, but I won't ever be able to make you understand. I needed to do that. It meant it was over. There was so much stuff and going through some of the things as I threw them in and remembering what they said and being able to know I was rereading them for the last time, I needed that. I can't ever make you understand."

But the truth is as soon as he said it, I really did understand. He had just never said it that way. It doesn't make me wish any less for his box to have more in it than it does. But I truly do understand. I am glad he got that moment to bring himself closure and assurance his deployment was over. And I am so glad he found a way to let me visualize what everything all of us sent meant to him.  I like that I can see him with a big box, going over things one last time before adding it to the flames. 

Plus it reminds me of the story he told me of a different visit to the burn bin and someone else's unopened can of potted meat loudly exploding and flying out of the bin past his head.  He told me he got a bunch of dirty looks from people in the area once they figured out it came from him and how he resisted the urge to go up to everyone and convince them it wasn't his master plan to make a loud boom on base and he was smarter than that.  I can *so* picture him all mad at the injustice of it all.  But at the same time knowing he had a great way to make his wife smile during the next phone call. 

So, what happens with your letters and cards once a deployment ends?  Does your spouse have a special place for them in your house or do they get left behind before the journey home?   I saw Toad is with me on the subtle as a sledgehammer assistance, but does anyone else give their spouse a little help with writing supplies?

Comments

[Laura, A Military Mom]

When #1 Son was deployed I kept everything, don't have a clue what he did with letters received. We did send Christmas Cards, Thank You cards and little extras with address so he could be on top of responding...sometimes it worked other times..who knows.

Going through my Grandmother's Bible I came across two letters she kept in there. A letter my Grandfather wrote to my Dad when he was leaving for the Army and a letter my Dad wrote when the Japanese surrendered and it was over. they are both great treasures and they really moved me it was an awesome insight into my Dad and Grandfather and I'm so glad that my Grandmother kept them.

[Penny]

You actually gave me a ton of ideas for this upcoming deployment. I know that Dh doesn't write (2 letters in 15 months! hehe) as often as I wanted so your ideas are fantastic and I'm hoping they work :)

As far as all the letters I sent him, he threw away a couple of the envelopes but he kept the actual letters. I might've threaten bodily harm if he threw them away though.. hehe.. Plus, they're more for me once he's back, I like looking back and reading them :)

[Leofwende]

When my husband did LDAC a couple of years ago, before we were married, I sent him off with a fistful of pre-stamped envelopes addressed to me and a notepad. I ended up getting about a letter a week, so that was a good idea. I forgot to send the same along with him for BOLC I and II last year, so I think I got maybe 2 letters from him during the whole 6 months. But a lot more phone calls, so there was that, at least.

[Andi]

I loved this post, partly because it points out something we've all come to recognize around here - each of us (and our spouses) respond to the same situation much differently. As Sarah says, "one person's weird is another person's normal."

I have several boxes that house every single letter, card or expression of love that my husband and I have ever given each other, since we were dating. With one exception - the tons of letters and cards he received over two deployments. I've never thought about it before, but I'm going to go ask him what he did with those. I actually have no idea....

[She of the Sea]

I have carefully saved every letter from the time when mail was our only communication. Now that we've added email, I fear that most of our conversations will be lost. Periodically I try to go back and print out the emails, but it has been four years since he got home and they are still in my mailbox. And he leaves after Christmas.

I guess I'd better get printing.

[Sarah]

Oh, wifeunit, I just LOVE this post. Love it.

OK, here goes.

The first time around, I left it up to him. Heh. About halfway through, I got irritated and made him a sort of Mad Libs letter to fill out: "Every morning for breakfast I eat _______. My favorite soldier in the platoon is ___________. I really hate _________ because of __________." And so on. It's a funny exercise, and he did actually fill it out for me.

This time around, I printed our home address on 25 envelopes and bought him a notepad and everything. His pace of letter writing was good at the beginning, and I thought he might need more than 25. But it petered out, and he sent a total of 10 letters.

Luckily, he did send all of them home the first time, and I just got a box full of all of them from this time. Your husband burned them? Oh my, I would've cried.

I put them in order -- I numbered them as I mailed them -- so I put them back in chronological order and filed them in a rubbermaid tub. I figure someday our adult kids will read through them when we die and think, "Mom and Dad were weird."

The odd thing for me now is to wonder how many different tubs of letters we may end up with by the time this ride runs out. We're on Deployment #2 with #3 coming on the horizon, and with his career field, I doubt it will slow down.

And you already know my problem with our household goods weight!

[Erin]

DH and I both saved our letters that we wrote while he was in BCT and AIT. I numbered them as they arrived, so I can go back and read them in order, if I want. We haven't had a deployment yet, so I don't know what we'd do then. I really would be devastated if he burned them though.

[Sis B]

Honestly, when you guys said that your husbands burned them, Soldier Boy's rating went up quite a bit that day.

I didn't think about it from your husband's perspective, though, and that explanation actually makes some sense. Not enough sense that I wouldn't have been hurt by it, but at least he didn't do it thoughtlessly. He didn't just throw them out with the candy wrappers, you know? It was a ritual of sorts. Not exactly one I would promote, but at least it was special. For him. At least. Right?

[mandyp]

I was just as shocked and hurt when I found out hubman burned his letters. It was similar, I never asked why because I was afraid of the answer. He returned from that one in June 2006. We are 2 months into #2, and I finally got the courage to aks about the burned letters the week before he left, and he told me about an interpreter who was caught hording the return addresses from letters and boxes. Hubman was in surveilance, and we had a not so pleasant breach of family security the year before he went on #!. Once he told me, I did understand.
He has been warned not to do the same this time tho, our Daughter can read and write, and he will keep everything for her.
I also print the emails. He does not usually write a new message, but replies to all of mine, so it is easy too print each exchange. I try and do it every month.

[95bwife]

My husband informed me that he did not keep all the letters and things that I sent him while deployed because 1. he didn't want someone else going through it if something happened to him (too personal)and 2. he didn't want to have to bring it all back home. I understand, but I have kept everything he has sent me, since basic training. And every now and then, I pull out the box and go through it! I can keep mine!