They come home, and sometimes it feels different.

When I ask my fellow wives "how are things going?", when their loved one returns from battle.  I am not trying to uncover any gossip or dirt. 

I seriously  want to know. 

When my DH came home, he seemed quieter, more contemplative, didn't seem to require much sleep, and well it took a while for us to learn our new dance. 

I really am concerned about my peers as a community. 

Reintegration to me, was much more difficult than the deployment.  Most of that was internal as well.  I did not know how to manage my expectations.  My DH was really thrilled about being home, his safe place, we were what he went to bed dreaming about. 

But the expectations that we build, can cripple that. 

I always think it is imperative that I ask my friends, and peers how they managed to come together again as a family. 

And although I find some of the advice, and stories helpful to me, I always think they need to be heard on a grander scale.  We are the best resource for one another. 

When I ask some folks "so how is it going?", and I hear "fine".  I am thrilled, but I always want to know what the secret is. 

Because things are not always fine immediately for everyone. 

I would love to hear how our readers  managed reintegration.  Did you just take your time, and fumble through, did you need the assistance of a Chaplain?  Maybe you went on a marriage retreat?  What advice would you give a new wife?

Comments

[Reasa]

Take your time. Nothing needs to be done right now. The Man or Woman you married is still in there, just love em out.

I prayed and cried alot. This time around, if it ever ends, I know not to expect to much from Hubby. It is easier for him to show the Kiddos and know they just love him. For us as a couple, it is a little weird, and alot harder. We want the same person to come home or be at home but alot changes in a year or even four months. Just be patient and love speaks volumes, even when nothing is being said.

[She of the Sea]

My advice (which you must remind me to take) is to not have any particular expectations and most importantly, not be surprised if you have negative emotions. Sad, angry, frustrated are all okay ways to feel. It doesn't mean that you don't love your spouse or that you are a bad person if you are feeling less than happy, happy, happy.

[LAW]

it's a whole new world, when they come home. and it's neither better or worse, it's different. That dynamic you had before they left - not going to be there in every way - you've had a year or so (either more or less) of new experiences, new problems/happiness that you didn't share. As a fellow blogger said, you can't always be farting rainbows and fairy dust. R&R is a holiday, reintegration is real life. We had a PCS to accomplish and that added a lot of stress, but also it was a full tilt whirlwind, and we didn't have that settling back in time.

I will say - it was after he'd been home about 2 weeks, I remember thinking... isn't it time for him to leave again? multiple deployments, schools, TDYs - we were living our lives in 2 week together increments. I found it easier to email him or IM him my thoughts.. face to face was wierd! so we got over the rough patches and survived it.. we'll do the same this time, [knock wood]

LAW

[GM]

Time is probably the most important thing ever! :) Before DH came home, I started a notebook of kids quirks, so that they would all re-adjust well. However, I forgot to keep a Me Quirk notebook. On my part it's been a huge adjustment going from being the one who's done EVERYTHING for basically 18 months, to having him home and wanting/trying to help. He's been home for 10 months now and I would say that we are 80% on our way towards figuring out our roles and how to be the new "us".

I have to agree with LAW though--DH is in school these days and he's home more now then he has ever been and I find myself longing for field time. :) Ha!

[USMC Aviator Wife]

we are 8 days in the reintegration, and I think that what works for us is that I have very low expectations for him for the first month or so. I don't expect him to help or do things here at home and when he does it is an amazing surprise. More then anything I hope that he spends time with our kids, because that makes getting things done in the rest of the house sooooo much easier. He spent the last 7 months worrying about himself mainly and then us from afar I don't think it is reasonable for him to transform to #1 husband and family man over night.

[p]

My husband has been home 3 months and it officially sucks. I caught him on dating web sites and he is blaming the military, yea right. Their is no trust and the deployments do not help. I have no idea what to do with him. He claims just looking.