When Goodbye Feels More Like Good Riddance

During our weekend in Virginia, Andi posted some of our "greatest hits" and one of my old posts prompted a new comment that posed a good question.

Armybrat AF Wife asks if any SB readers' spouses have "crazy coping mechanisms" to make it through a goodbye.  Now, she has me curious too.

In Never Used to Goodbye, I tried to categorize the various scenarios military spouses may face when the moment to board the bus/van/ship/plane approaches and we have to bid our spouse a fond adieu.  Armybrat AF Wife points out that not all goodbyes are surrounded by that poignant haze from a black and white film.

Your tales of deployment goodbyes have been breaking my heart. After many years watching my dad deploy with the Army and now 18 years watching my DH deploy, well, our goodbyes usually go like this... spouse picks fights with me all week (it's easier for him to go when he's mad at me), I try hard to keep my cool knowing he WILL fall apart once he must say goodbye to little people. The AF deployments are usually a "take spouse to airport moment" so we do the whole family thing and walk daddy to the gate, usually wait long hours until he can enter security and then say our goodbyes & watch daddy walk the concourse to "the big plane" (my boys like to watch plane take off)...there daddy goes to protect the world! I smile and comfort everyone, I do not cry, it's not what I do, I sometimes wish I could but I "need to get this over with", eventhough he has picked fights with me for days and said some really hurtful things in order to separate himself from said situation...I will not falter, I am the strong one, I was raised in a military family...this is what we do. And inevitably, the call comes once he is in place..."you couldn't wait to get out of the airport, could you? ... I bet you are glad I am gone"

I love my husband to death, I really do, but I just don't understand this whole senario. I always hear him say "I never have to worry, I know she can handle anything that arises while I am gone" (it's almost like a badge of honor) but after 18 years of marriage, he still longs for "the waterworks" when he deploys and returns.

I swear next time I will take his mother to the airport (no fail solution to waterworks)!

Any DH's out there with crazy coping mechanism's?

I know there are several arguments and nitpicking moments that happen in my house during the run-up to training or deployment.  It can sometimes resemble a bad reality TV show where people talk to the hand or worse, run around with the "Oh, no you didn't!" attitude. 

Sad.  Very sad.

But, I think what Armybrat AF Wife describes is another normal, perhaps even typical, scenario.  That pull for our spouses between wanting to believe we can handle it (so they won't worry) and wanting to believe we can't handle it (so they feel needed and missed). 

Her final question, though, about crazy coping mechanisms made me wonder if other milspouses see other behavior when the "game face" appears that makes them wonder if their spouse is unique in his/her coping strategy.

Here's your chance to share with your fellow milspouses.  You may have found ways around ineffective coping strategies or ways to deal with and understand them that could help a milspouse new to the military or to deployments. 

Comments

[D]

The more comments from the expierenced wives the better..PLEASE. My hubby just left for his first deployment on Monday. We've been married for just over three months but, you would swear with the way we were going at it, that it had been at least 30 years. Not pleasant. It definitely cured us of the whole "Newly Wed Syndrome" real quick. It was one of those things where he was going to find a way to be unhappy with me. No matter what I did, he found something wrong with it. Even though I knew what he was doing, I still lost my temper back at him a couple of times. Duh me. Any advice would be great : )

[Guard Wife]

You're human, D, not a saint so don't beat yourself up over losing your temper a couple of times. Chances are, if you'd not done that, the behavior on his part would have increased in trying to get a rise out of you.
The first year of marriage is HARD. Toss in a deployment and you have a recipe for all kinds of emotional highs and lows.
It doesn't make it ok or even right, but I know the deploying spouse does this as almost like an insulation of themselves from the emotion and taking their eyes off the end game.
I think the key now is to keep the lines of communication open while he's away and as time passes, you'll fall into more comfortable patterns of dealing with each other.
And, as for being a newlywed...even if it has been years & years, when they come back, you will see glimpses of that special time again. {{Hugs}}

[Slightly Salty]

The fighting is natural. They all do it. No matter how much you try not to, you will still pick fights b/c you hate the situation and it's a natural response to argue right before they leave. Obi-Wan and I have a few deployments under our belt now and it never gets easier. The goodbye scenes have usually been on the ship and very brief, but when he went to Iraq, I dropped him off at the naval base to board a bus with several others. I don't have any crazy coping skills or even really good ones. I almost have to pretend like I'm not myself right before he leaves - like transport myself out of my body to deal with the fact that he is leaving. I can feel the protective forcefield going up around me and I try not to think of what is actually happening in that moment b/c if I do, I will have a very public breakdown and probably be hauled off to the looney bin. He tries to keep a brave face as well but I can see in his eyes the pain he's trying to hide. It is just as hard for him to say goodbye to me. We keep the actual goodbye very quick b/c any lingering causes potential drama to unfold.

And Guard Wife is right. The first year of marriage is hard enough without throwing deployment into the mix. Hang in there b/c you will get through it!

[angela]

We also fight about stupid stuff but he does something I find kinda strange. Before he leaves for anything he keeps so busy so he won't think about it. He was only back for 2 weeks this time before he left again for 7 weeks and we were in the car the whole time. He says if we stay home we will start to think about it and he wants to stay busy. Plus he says we can't pick stupid pointless fights with each other if we are fishing with the kids are out in public anywhere. I think if he stays busy it just keeps his mind off of it. I joke and tell him our checkbook suffers when he gets into his busy mood.

[95Bwife]

My husband can pack and re-pack fifty times to make sure he is completely organized and hasn't forgotten anything. He does this to keep busy, and I guess to start the emotional separation that you go through before they leave. Before his deployment we had fights, and he even suggested that this be a trial Separation for us, he didnt mean it but it did hurt a lot. We had been married 11 years and had 3 kids at this point, and separation had never even crossed our minds up until this point. we got passed it, and it hasnt come up again. Open communication was the most important thing when he was gone and helped us to realize the fights were a coping mechanism-and after that we didnt have so many.

[95Bwife]

My husband can pack and re-pack fifty times to make sure he is completely organized and hasn't forgotten anything. He does this to keep busy, and I guess to start the emotional separation that you go through before they leave. Before his deployment we had fights, and he even suggested that this be a trial Separation for us, he didnt mean it but it did hurt a lot. We had been married 11 years and had 3 kids at this point, and separation had never even crossed our minds up until this point. we got passed it, and it hasnt come up again. Open communication was the most important thing when he was gone and helped us to realize the fights were a coping mechanism-and after that we didnt have so many.

[liberal army wife]

I think DH started doing it... as soon as he found out he was deploying. I'm not really thrilled about it right now. I am trying to understand... but seriously folks, why is it that NOW if we do something he isn't totally thrilled about doing, or didn't actually ask to do, he gives me the pissy attitude and the "holy roman martyr" bit... sheesh. we have 4 months until he leaves. couldn't he wait for this until he's closer?

LAW

[armybrat af wife]

Thanks ladies...you have made me feel so much better now knowing that I am not the "lone ranger".

[army_wife]

D, I know what you mean. When DH and I first got married, he was deployed like 3 days later. We are now on our fourth deployment. I remember the first couple of deployments were very hard for me. I was young and inexperienced in general and I didn't think I could hardly stand to be separated from my DH for that long. But you know -- I didn't have a choice and I found out that, yes, I CAN do it. So I just wanted to tell you that it may seem impossible now, but you will surprise yourself about what all you are capable of handling. The biggest thing I noticed is that the closer my relationship to God got, the more ability I had to cope with deployments.

DH and I get into stupid fights sometimes while he's deployed. It's too easy to get sucked into petty disagreements when you miss each other and are grumpy and tired and overworked, etc. But each time DH is deployed, I notice that our relationship is more stable than the last time. We don't fight near as much now as we did before.

Before DH deploys, we usually tend to become semi-obsessed with packing as much "together-time" in as we can before he leaves. The closer the deployment gets, the more we can be found going out to eat, shopping together, playing mini-golf, fishing, whatever fun thing we can do together. By the time D-day hits, we're practically attached at the hip, sometimes literally clinging to each other most chances we get. It's almost like we're trying to pack in the whole year-plus's worth of togetherness into the few months (or however long) between Orders and Deployment. There are a few petty arguments that we have before deployments but I notice more of the clinginess anymore.

[D]

Thank you soo much for all of your responses. I do appreciate it. Armywife, this might sound silly, but thank you for bringing up God. Sometimes it's so evident that what i need to do is rely on him, but I miss it completely. : )
I think our main frustration with him leaving is that he is the "Get Busy" type and I'm the "Clingy time together" type. He feels like he's leaving too much undone before he goes and I couldn't care less about the bathroom being recalked as long as i can watch the sunset with him before he goes. lol. I guess we struggle with that on a day to day bases anyway. His upcoming deployment and the stress of it seemed to just magnify our differences. I am encouraged to hear that it does get easier though. Thanks : )

[Reasa]

I am with army_wife, the closer to God I am the better I am. The first two deployments we fought like cats and dogs for at least a month before and a couple of weeks after even. It was horrible. I was in tears every night and HUbby was consatly busy and wanting to be around everyone who wanted to see him. This last time we clung to each other til the day before and he packed that day. His parents were here for a little bit before he left and they probaly thought I was some crazed woman wanting to be with him everytime we turned around.

It was even to the point that we planned our day so we could take one car to work and school so we could have some quiet time to laugh and chat through out the day. We used up some gas but had many laughs. It seems that the more we laughed the easier it became to say "See ya" when it was time to.

[SB]

I just sent my husband on his 10th trip to the sandbox and it never gets easier. Things have changed a little - after 5 years of asking him to do his packing ahead of time so that we have the last few days together, he finally did it. Mostly because we have a toddler and deployments have become MUCH harder on my husband since our son was born, but also because he was only home from the last deployment for about 6 weeks - not enough time to unpack.

We still fight before he leaves - though not as much. I still cry on the drive home from base dropping him off. I still run on adrenaline for the first 2-3 weeks, and then I start to fall apart. I still get sad when I wash the last dirty article of clothing that he left behind, and I still make him put aside a set of pajamas that he's worn for a few days before he leaves so I can smell him now and then (it makes me cry just to write that - I miss him a lot today)!

Now, though, I spend more time being mad at whoever our CO is at the time, than at my husband for not missing me enough, not writing enough, or not calling enough. It's not always productive, but sometimes a little misplaced projection can be healthy!

[blueSchatzy]

We get really grouchy before he goes anywhere. I deal with him being gone by TRYING to keep busy... This has been the worst time for me out of any of his field problems and deployments. Considering that this has also been a "vacation" duty station for him and the longest time we have Ever been together without any real field problems etc.
I think I become emotionally detached (most of the time) and then some times I start crying. I put away all his things and then got furious at mo-in-law and my own mother for dragging his things out. It felt like they were invading something sacred. This is the one time that he has been gone that I have not been able to bring myself out of the ashes. I have not been able to cope. That is why I am so glad to have found you all. I can come here anytime and read all the stories and find some comfort in them.

[D]

K. The brain is still churning so I guess I'll add more.

I understand the ideal of these hubby's "detaching" before the deploy and sometimes things being done and said to take care of that emotional separation. I'm starting to wonder though, if he did it just to help me let go emotionally before he left...Only because he did such a good job of this.

I guess my main frustrations came in two places. One in the social and one in the bedroom. So, since the scenarios are different but feelings and actions are somehwat the same, I'll explain the social : )

The week before he left we had company all of but one night. I'm serious..Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday Saturday, and yes, the night before he left, Sunday. Now don't get me wrong, some of that was my doing, intentionally. I knew he would miss his friends and wanted him to have that time before he left. One of the nights, I cooked a meal (and I'm still new to the meal cooking thing) for 10 people! I invited over the closest of his friends and fed everyone. He didn't have to do anything other than sit and enjoy. It was a great night. He even thought to thank me for my efforts : )
So it brings me to this: Why did we have to have people over on his last night? Why would my husband of 3 months not want that entire night to Ourselves? Yes, I know the answer, to make it easier on himself by staying busy and not thinking about the fact that it was our last night for quite some time. But frankly, I felt smited.

My perspective: I kept him busy all week. My turn, for what I need. He's leaving and it's hard on him, but what about the fact that it's hard on me? Is that being selfish? He's going on a ship and working, every day, the monotonous shedule of a ship. I'm here, a stay-at-home mom, trying to pick up all of the pieces that get dropped with him being gone. Finances are the big one, yard work, the little odds and ends that you don't realize get done just because they notice. So, if i'm busy it should be easier right? Only, every time I'm doing one of "his chores" that are supposed to be keeping me so busy, I think about HIM.

Grrr. Do you feel the frustration coming out??? We spent a total of, I don't know, 3 hours alone and awake, together before he left. That doesn't work for me.

Okay, now that that is out of the way. BlueSchatzy, I'm glad you found this too. I guess one thought came to mind while reading your comment. It sounds to me like a typical burn-out. Not to belittle the way you feel. It's acceptable to burn out over too much house work, or the kids misbehaving or whatever, right? Then it should be okay to burn out over dealing with our husbands being gone too. You hold your head high, take over everything, cry a bit just to wipe the tears and keep going. Sometimes, the strength just isn't there to deal with the emotional roller coaster. (Not coming from a deployed husband stance but having a parent leaving and coming home repeatedly as a child) I guess I was saying all that just to say, don't be too hard on yourself for not coping as well this time. I'll be praying for you. : )

Sorry, long winded today.

[Slightly Salty]

D - I totally get what you are saying about staying busy but still thinking of him. When Obi-Wan left, I picked up where he left off on all his chores, at least the ones I could do. Taking care of the yard stuff and various other things around the house. Being busy definitely helped the time pass better but I would think of him too a lot while doing his chores and there was no way to avoid it. Sometimes I would break down in tears and other times I would just plug through it. It is very frustrating though. And as you discover over time throughout this deployment, a million different emotions will swamp you on any given day. Let them come, ride them out and move forward. I kind of think of deployment as a big boiling pot of soup or sauce and it has all these different ingredients in it - representing various feelings and emotions and they all come together in this steaming pot and sometimes bubble over when you least expect it. It just sucks - there's no pretty way to put it.

[Guard Wife]

D, let me play devil's advocate for a second...did you tell your husband that you wanted to spend that last night together and he told you, "No" or did you, like me, go along with things until you realized what it meant in the long run (3 hrs. awake & alone together) and feel like he hurt your feelings b/c he didn't act like it bothered him to do that?
I ask only because I've been married over 6 years and I *still* do this. I don't tell my husband what I want or expect and he doesn't even attempt to read my mind anymore.
If you two talked about this, you might find he would have rather been alone w/you too. And, if it didn't occur to him then, give him a couple weeks and I bet it will.
You could even say something like, "If we ever do this deployment thing again, there are some things I will want to see us do differently..." Like maybe have a cookout or something where EVERYONE can come on one day & then bid them goodbye so the rest of the time is for you two? Or, at the very least, spend the last evening together.
It's so hard when things aren't "normal" to know how to figure out what actions, words, or even inaction means.
I know I've gotten into trouble and arguments over not making what I want/need known, that's for sure!

[D]

Thank you Guard Wife. Unfortunately, we are still new to this brining two lives together deal. He was in the process of making a phone call to a friend to invite her over when I realized what he was doing. It wasn't discussed ahead of time. As soon as he got off the phone I asked what he was up to. He was inviting people over. He asked me if that was a problem. I told him straight up that I would rather have the night with him. He got irritated and said something about just not answering when they called to come over. It was dropped. Later I mentioned that I was disappointed that he didn't feel the same about wanting to spend that time with me.
Next thing I know, people are showing up and the 2 he was going to invite turned into 8. It was frustrating, but I had a couple drinks (maybe a couple too many) and went along with it. Figuring, eh, at least he was happy. : )

I think i will take your advice of discussing wants ahead of time for the next deployment. Thank you for that.

[Navy Wife for Life]

It is so 'comforting' to know that my H and I are completely 'normal'. When we were in our first 3-4 years of marriage he was sent away constantly, he is a pilot, and it seemed like all we did was fight, fighting when he left, even fighting when he got back! Now, even though we are not married that long, its going on 8 years, we have grown to handle them somewhat better. The fighting/arguing is almost gone, although we have one here and there. So it does or can get better, I think I finally gave in to the fact that it's not going to change, he is going away and nothing will change that, so I think I have just come to accept a lot. Right now he is on a 15 month deployment, it's is the biggest test of all, I think he is is suffering just as much this time. Usually the pilots don't get such a bad deal when they are gone (a huge source of pre-dep. fighing because it was like he was going on a tropical vacation, and I have seen the resorts where he was 'stationed'), but this time not only is it 15 straight months, but he is truly getting the taste of being miserable too! That should help in the future as well!! I hope the newly married adjust as soon as they can because it does make it a bit easier stress-wise, and like I said, if he is your mate for life, it will happen again, and sadly there is nothing you can do. Just try not to fuel the arguments with him! He cannot fight with himself! Oh and for those above 'planning' their days before the deployment, my H and I ALWAYS sit down and make a very detailed plan (my prompting of course) and we agree which nights are OURS and which are open to friends, etc. The other key is letting the friends know about your pre-deployment schedule and that you do have some private days/times that are off limits, and I even take the phone off hook, turn cells off etc. so no one can sneak in. Good luck to all out there.

[Ann- AFspouse]

I just discovered this site and wish I had something similar in the "early years".

I was an Air Force brat, and have been married to an Air Force Pilot for 21 years. He deploys next month for four months. It never gets easier. I have been lucky in that the Air Force tends to have frequent, but short deployments. In the eary days is was gone two months, home two months.

Civililan friends don't understand how that works. How can married people surrive with one gone half the time? That's miliary life. We do it because we have too, and in time, that becomes our normal.

The best "coping talk" came from the base flight psychologist at a spouses of the deployed pot luck dinner. He explained the distancing (those fights over nothing before leaving) as a necessary coping mechanism. Getting ready to lead separate live for while. Most importantly, he explained why my husband seemed excited and (yes!) happy!

I didn't marry just any man, I married an Airman. Military Service isn't just any job, it's who they are. Separating the person from the job isn't possible. He spends a majority of the time training and getting ready, now he gets to actually go do it! He starts making lists and packing the day orders come in.

Is that annoying? Yes, but now I understand. The time appart makes us appreciate each other more. I usually do big projects while he is gone. They have ranged from cleaning out the closets, to painting the house. It is usually those things that take a while and always look like a tornado hit the house while I am working. Things I can't do while he is home.

The best coping mechanism? E-mail! We didn't have it the first 8 years we were married. I was lucky to get a post card. With the email, I would get long interesting letters all about his day. We actually communicated better when he was gone.

Am I upset he is leaving? Yes. Am I terrified about where he is going? Oh Yeah! Will making him feel miserable and guilty about leaving make either of us feel better? No.

Get to know the other spouses. They have great advice, as they have ALL been through it. Know where your important papers are, understand which bills need paying. Expect that crazy things will happen because he is not there to deal with it. Some examples: water dripping from the ceiling, car trouble, a garage door that jams trapping my car in the garage, kids with chicken pox, and 3 times- preparing for a PCS (he would come back just days before the movers).

He will miss birthdays anniversaries and holidays. He will miss first tooth, first steps, and the first day of school.

You will be stonger and more confident, and every return will bring you closer together.

[army_spouse]

Weird... I was just told about this site yesterday and what happens? DH explodes! We've been married almost 5 years and this is our 2nd deployment. First 15 month. I've read through all the comments and like the others it's nice to know I'm not alone. Although doesn't make it much easier to not take the nasty comments and treatment. Most of the time I really and truely just calk it up to him being there, dealing with all the stress alone and those extremely long missions! They over work them so much that they can't see straight and frankly I'm tired of it! Hence the reason he's getting out! He'll have 10 years under his belt and we are both spent! I love him so much that I'd be lost with out him so when he decides to pick a fight as bad as the one today I usually just don't even respond. I don't want to give him more ammo. He'll get over his problem and tomorrow will be a new day. When he was gone the first time and turned into this man I didn't know my mom put it best. She said "He's over there fighting for his life scared 24/7 just suck it up and know that he loves you with all his heart and when he gets home everything will go back to normal" It does ever time. When he was home for R&R both times it was like nothing happened. In fact it was better then before he left. This past R&R was so amazing! I think that's why it's so hard to take now. After such an amazing R&R all I want is to continue the bliss we were in and not go back to reality.

All in all my best coping skill is to just dig deep and realize that he loves me no matter what and he's just having a hard day.

[Guard Wife]

Glad you found us, army_spouse. I think you offer a great persective to those who might be facing the same kinds of hard feelings that you are & that the "this too shall pass" attitude is a good one to adopt when those rough patches come.

I'm glad you two had such a good R&R and I look forward to reading a comment from you when he's home. :)

[kay]

ok, i have a wierd question. i have only been married to my husband for four months. i turned 18, got my liscense, got married, moved out and graduated high school all in 5 months range. my husband is in missouri in ait. we will be going to germany in late december. i feel really odd about everything. i cannot explain it. almost like i am dreaming, or i maybe am just in shock. for the most part i hardly cry. i am very upset, but i dont cry, its the strangest thing. i am terrified to leave my home in california, i have never even visited europe, let alone lived there. i just feel so everwhelmed and i have always been able to let out frustrations by crying, but i simply cant cry anymore. my husband seems really hurt when i tell him i sometimes feel like im dreaming a nightmare, haha i guess for good reason. but weve always been able to talk to him so now i am scared to hurt his feelings :( geeez i need help. lol does anyone know whats wrong with me and my wierd emotions????

[Guard Wife]

Kay, you're not weird at all.

You have crammed a TON of living into a very short period of time and it's scary. I can't imagine doing those things now let alone when I was 18. BUT, I do know there are some folks who have or who are now. In fact, Sarah, one of the other authors here lived in Germany when her husband was stationed there. I will forward your comment to her & perhaps she can provide you with some specific information.
I encourage you to keep the lines of communication open with your husband and also to just devote yourself to getting your new life together underway. One of the best ways I move past paralyzing anxiety or fear or whatever is to just START whatever it is I'm scared of doing.
Don't be scared to talk to your soldier, but also realize that he is likely feeling a little uneasy too. If you let him know you're in this for the long haul & you support him, it goes a long way to helping him be a good listener.
Don't hesitate to e-mail me if you want to, okay?

[kay]

aw thanks. i know this will get better. and your soo right. i really just need to start going on this lol. i am terrified to say the least. but i know my soldier loves me and i love him. we communicate very well together, ive told him everything i feel, and he told me he feels the same way sometimes. thank you so much for your support. it feels good to know others have done what i am doing and im not alone. for a while i thought about not moving and staying in california, but i realize that it might be worse feeling like i am being left behind by him. so i have made the decision to go, regardless of what happens im taking the plunge haha. i guess it'll be a good learning experience? he he

[Ronda]

This has so helped me with understanding my husband , he is going on his second tour and is moody,sarcastic and sometimes very mean (nothing physical). I dont want our kids to see him acting this way before he leaves, I also dont want to make him feel bad about it either. I couldnt imagine leaving home for 15 months and not knowing what he is facing.

[Patti]

I just found this site. Thanks so much for sharing. Frankly I'm scared to death from some of these posts. I am new to military life (Navy Reserves) and spouse will deploy for first time (was active back in 80's when we did not know each other yet). I pray we will not be at each other's throats before he goes but I'm afraid I will upset him with all my crying. I don't know what can be said - it's just gonna happen and we will be miserable and I won't want him to go and then he will get mad at me. It's going to be just awful. I don't know how you all do it. My kids are grown with kids of their own. I'll be alone in the house...sucks

[Iko]

It feels so so comforting to know that there are so many other people who are feelings what i'm feeling.

My husband of 2 months recently deployed. Its only for 4 months, we have daily contact, and we knew about the deployment 6 months ago. But instead of him picking fights and starting lame arguments with me, it's completely the opposite. He's the calming influence, and i'm the one struggling to learn how to deal with the seperation. He's been gone 3 weeks, and we've (well, I've) already had fight number 3. At least i'm aware of what i'm doing and why i'm doing it now. That helps alot. Thanks for sharing guys, Im not in a position where i'm getting much 'official' support, so forums like these are so important to me :)