From the Mailbag: Keeping His Chin Up When Yours is Down

An Army wife seeks advice:

I kinda need a piece of advice, how do you comfort a soldier who was just told that his stay in Iraq may be extended when you are just as heart broken as he is? I'm trying my best to assure him everything is gonna be ok, But I thought we had a couple months left and now it may be more, how do you deal with it?

I've never had to deal with an extension. My husband's first deployment was supposed to be a year, and it was. The next deployment was supposed to be six months, and it was. But, this Army wife brings up an interesting point, whether it's an extension or simply dealing with bad news. How do you deal with bad news when your spouse is half a world away? How do you keep his spirits up when yours are down? I suspect the answers will be as varied as our personalities. Some of us suck it up and mask our true disappointment in order to keep our spouses from worrying about us, and in an effort to keep them as upbeat as possible. Some of us don't hide our disappointment at all and choose to show our emotions.

What advice would you offer this wife, and how have you dealt with similar situations in the past?

Comments

[Sara]

Mark has never wanted me to hide disappointment or anger when it comes to things the military does. Putting on a brave face is all well and good, but thats denying whats natural for both people. When you hear that a deployment is extended, you feel grief and loss, and I think it has helped both me and Mark to cry about it (thats really me) and for him to get angry. Give yourselves time to feel whats natural. After we've done that, Mark will pick up and carry on without much thought to it anymore. I will probably still feel heartbroken for a while, but thats when I know its best to leave it alone with him. He doesn't like to reopen issues.

My point is, that you might be surprised how much your husband might need to get those emotions out for a bit. Or hear someone feeling the same thing he is.

[Ramie]

My DH does lots of shorter deployments instead of the big long ones....but he tends to get extended 3-4 weeks just about every time he goes out. I've never gotten my heart set on his return date, and we've never told the kids "daddy will be home on July 12th"....we give them a ball park date (sometime in july or august). It keeps our disappointment to a minimum and maintains our "roll with the punches" attitude.
That is NOT to say that I'm not disappointed that he'll be longer, but I try not to let it get to me. I give myself a few days to be angry, mope, and then the pity party has to end. My kids don't ever know about the extensions.....it's just not worth the trouble (they are only 5 & 2....when they get older, they WILL know).

Big hugs.

[Slightly Salty]

I try to hide it as much as possible b/c he knows I'd be disappointed without having to voice it so why bother.

[Penny]

This happened to us last deployment. We thought we were halfway there, then they extended the deployment 3 months more.

I think I cried when I heard the news, b'c my battle buddy broke it to me and she was in tears too. Dh and I 'talked' as in we IM a lot and I told him that, quite frankly it sucked. I was under a lot of stress and he suggested I take a vacation to Washington for a month and it was one of the best decisions we made.

The only thing I could do was keep doing what I was doing. Sending many many care packages, photos of the baby and most importantly, just having him voice his concerns and listening. I lived in a town where no one understood what I was going through and it was very hard for me but I had to keep going. I would go to the park alone and just have that 'me' time. It honestly seemed (and it was) like a long time but once the 3 months passed, we were back on track counting down. Do things for yourself that will help you destress and relax. I also suggest going to the SB events and hanging out here during radio shows and in the chatroom. It honestly helped me very much and just talking about other stuff to people who understood military life helped eased my mind. I also became involved with Soldier's Angels and since we get a list once a week (with the group I'm involved) I looked forward to it b'c it meant another week had gone by and it was another week closer to his return.

The 2 deployments Dh has been on, were supposed to be 12 months and they've been 14 and 15 months. I'm hoping this 3rd one will be 12 but I'm prepping myself ahead of time.

Overall, just make sure that you take care of yourself too. You'd be surprised what 'me' time can do for you :)

[liberal army wife]

the word extension still makes my heart sink, and my stomach do the flips. Our extension was due to the surge, and what made it worse.. they announced it on the radio BEFORE the troops were told. and how did we cope? everyone has their own way.. one woman told me her husband was glad to stay and she was glad he was glad- needs of mission etc (her friend told me later that she screamed and cried and yelled just as much as everyone else did!) From what I experienced and saw many of the other wives and parents go through, it had stages, just like everything else. first, for most of us was screaming, crying etc., then denial and hope that it wasn't really going to happen after all. Then the "official" word came out, and there was resignation/anger/resignation/and then we picked ourselves up, did what we call here "put our big girl panties on" and kept going.

the guys - I'm told they did about the same. and those in command, those older soldiers - kept an eye on the younger ones and didn't let them get into a deep funk.

My DH and I had to discuss it, I'm the one who told HIM! and we talked about our reactions, we've learned over these many years to not let things fester. Neither of us likes the "oh, buck up" speeches, and I know myself well enough that I let myself have a complete meltdown. That one lasted a bit too long, and I dug my way out of it slowly - by staying in touch, by making myself get up and do things, making myself go to work, shop, see people. Our NG unit did have counselors available. If your unit has one, or you can use Military OneSource to find one DO IT!! it helps you, and without you being strong, you can't help him. For me, denying the hurt was toxic, it helped to let it out.

Hope that helps.. and yeah, extension - does SUCK!!

LAW

[Angela C.]

I just got word about a month ago, that my husband'd tour is getting extended (only by a month) but this is out first deployment, and were newlyweds. we're both very young so this sure has been an expirience. when my KV called me and told me i was absolutely hysterical. and i was pretty down for a few days.

when my husband and i were able to talk about it i just told him to keep his head up and i understood that they needed him more then i did. The fact that i have to rest of my life to spend with him, and the fact that his buddies and the civilians where he's deployed need him most. that what he's doing is beautiful and courageous, and in the end it will make us both stronger, and that it will be that much better at the homecoming.

and sending him alot of junk food wouldn't hurt =p

[Penny]

Angela C. , my Dh told me he was surprised at how many and what sort of things I ended up being able to fit into the flat rate boxes.. lol

[Jen]

I was the one that told my husband that he was staying an extra three months due to the surge. It was not a good moment for us, because up until that day, we thought we were under that magical "100 days left" and then, he was right back to six months left. And having that whole mess of the way it was leaked didn't help.....and his command not addressing it, but I digress.

Basically, I let him vent, and kept my frustrations in. He knew I was upset, but it didn't help him any to hear HOW upset and lost I felt when he was even more lost. He needed me to be strong for him - even when I felt like I couldn't be. Sometimes, that's just what a military wife's gotta do. We find the strength somewhere - for our husband's, for our babies, for our parents, and for ourselves.

[Sis B]

Soldier Boy and I make horrible, inappropriate, morbid jokes. The worse the humor, the worse our situation. There are times we complain to one another, but the truly awful stuff we make fun of. We're kinda twisted that way.

[HomefrontSix]

I'm in Jen's boat. I broke the news to my husband because of the leak at the Pentagon. funny thing was, he said he preferred hearing it from me. Said it made it easier to handle.

The best (and really, only) thing I could do was listen. He wasn't sad as much as he was disappointed and angry. I really wasn't sad either - since the beginning of the deployment, I had a feeling an extension was coming. But we were both angry. VERY angry.

The thing that helped most for us was being able to vent. We'd talk about it on the phone if and when he called (which wasn't often) and we made sure to write about it to each other in emails. Getting it out helped a lot. I made sure not to direct my anger at him in any way. For the most part, he did the same.

I think it also helped that I assured him we would be ok. Some days I was lying - I wasn't sure we were going to be able to endure another 90-120 days of being away from him. But I knew in the long run, we would be ok. We had to be.

Let him vent. Don't take any anger or frustration personally. Reassure him that YOU will be ok. That you miss him but you understand that this is part of the job. That you're there for him in whatever way you can be. And that you'll still be counting the days and hours until he's back with you, even if that number just got bigger.

And like SisB, we do gallows humor quite well. I think most military families do. Which is why the civilian side of the world doesn't always 'get' us.

[ArmyWife0909]

I told DH about the last deployment AND the extension. We had just returned from our honeymoon when I heard about the deployment. He had joined his guys out in the field and he happened to call the day it was announced in the news (gotta love it!) He was most annoyed that it took the Battalion Commander 2 weeks to officially notify them.

After 3 months of his 3rd deployment I found out the count would start all over again with 12 months left instead of 9. DH took it in stride. I try not to show much negative emotion on the phone - I save the crying for after we hang up. If he can't physically console me there's no point in making him feel any worse. I can't say my way of handling situations is the best, however.

[mapms]

When frustrated or angry write a letter,get it all out, don't send it... put it in a drawer. When he comes home you can share or not. Sometimes he needs to know what you were thinking, but it is way easier to deal with when you are together. Once the anger is in the letter it will be easier for you to talk to him.