Anticipatory Grief: The Late-Night, Bad Dream Version

Last night before going to bed, I read some more of Sherman Baldwin's book. By the way, he'll be on SpouseBUZZ Talk Radio tonight at 9:00 EDT, so join us on the radio and in the chat room. During the night, I had a dream that my father had passed away. Sherman's book is about the lessons he learned from his late father, so I'm sure that prompted the dream. Disturbing, but it made sense. However, what happened next did not make sense.

When I finally went back to sleep, I then dreamed that my husband was killed in action. Now, I've planned my husband's funeral 100 times over in my head. Something that I realize sounds incredibly morbid, but also something that I know this audience can relate to, more than most.

Here's the weird part. I don't recall actually dreaming that my husband had been killed when he was deployed, only going over the scenario while I was wide awake, which I thought was bad enough, but the dream was far worse. 

In the dream, I received a phone call. Nobody came to the door. The dream was bizarre in many ways. I immediately broke down, then waited hours before I decided to call his family. When I tried to call, I couldn't get my home phone or cell phone to work. I picked up my husband's cell phone and tried to get through, but the call wouldn't go through on his phone, either. I even tried to get an operator to connect me, and she hung up on me! Finally, I sank to the floor and contemplated my loss.

My mind wandered between making a mental list of things I needed to do, recalling memories with my husband, having crying spells and thinking bizarre thoughts. One of which was, "I'm not in the Army any longer." Well, I'm not in the Army now, but we are an Army family. I remember reading the book that inspired the show, Army Wives. The character that Denise is based on had just found out her son committed suicide. One of her first thoughts was that she had left the house a mess that morning. It seems an unimportant thought to have at a time like that, but I can see where that would be a concern. So this morning I wondered if this was just a dream, like many others, that included silly and seemingly out-of-place actions, or something more? I suppose I've often wondered how I will feel when we have that retirement talk one day and I realize that our two decades-old lifestyle will dramatically change - forever.

The question that keeps nagging at me is, did I ever dream my husband had been killed? Ever? I don't recall doing that, and I find that interesting considering the amount of time I devoted to planning his funeral. Planning his funeral seemed perfectly normal and understandable to me, but dreaming that he died shook me to the core. And why would I dream something like this now? My husband isn't even deployed at the moment. Odd. But I am curious, have you ever dreamed of your spouse's death while they were deployed? And if so, which was worse, the dream or the mental exercise of preparing for the worst?

Oye! GBear has insomnia and I'm having bad dreams. I think I'll take the insomnia...

Comments

[Sara]

I've definitely dreamt it before, and I remember in the dream screaming out loud, not believing it. Crying so hard I made myself sick. And when I woke up it wasn't any easier. I was relieved, but I had to face the reality of what could happen, and knowing I wouldn't deal with it gracefully. I was actually crying in my sleep. The only thing that made me feel better was writing my husband an email to let him know how much I loved him and appreciated him, just in case something were to happen, he knew that he was my world and my everything.

[A Soldier's Wife]

Andi,

I have had the same recurring dream for 5 years now....much like yours....but it did not begin until after his first rotation.... The strangeness about it is that I'm there witnessing it...an actual event he told me about, saw the photos, only he wasn't the soldier that died that day, it was one with their 4 vehicle convoy...total 16 soldiers, and they were ambushed. It matters not whether he is home or gone now or how many times I have rationalized that it is simply my subconscious acting out my fears....or so my therapist told me, it remains to this day the one thing that plagues me.....and probably what adds to the chonic insomnia I suffer.

When I read Under the Sabers, it was shortly after it came out.....and I had so many friends at Bragg who wanted to talk about it....and I too understood both the CSM's wife's concerns you expressed as well as the Colonel's wife's about her house being straight before people started to show up....I worry when I leave home now that things aren't left in perfect order (I worry a lot, my house is seldom perfect), but my sister, who is the Executor of our wills, now has a list of everything she needs, in the event.....either if it were me, my husband or both of us...I truly do not think I'd be able to follow through on the plans I made for his funeral (thus we made arrangements in our wills for that too) and my husband would be lost where the house is concerned....and if it were both of us....that goes without saying.

And yet, the dishes are in the sink, my carpets need vacuuming and I have to leave with my teens to pick up school schedules.....

And so the dream still persists and I just work my way through it, whether alone, or with him by my side.

I think life is just a series of unfinished tasks anyway, if it weren't, what would we do with ourselves....tomorrow when the other shoe fails to drop?

[The Cat's Pajamas]

I've dreamt The Husband's death before. I dreamt that I was watching the news and they were reporting a plane crash and someone rang my doorbell and I just knew. I sat there and didn't get up thinking they'd go away. Eventually, I answered the door to find old friends in their uniforms (friends that aren't in the squadron anymore) and they were telling me. Still dreaming, I dreamt that I woke up and said, "it's all a dream. It's not real." then I rolled over and opened my eyes and one of the wives was there with me telling me it was natural to dream these things. Then I really did wake up... and I got as close to The Husband as I possibly could.

[The Cat's Pajamas]

Oh my goodness! I just read ASW's comment. The house! I actually started doing this 5 years ago when I married The Husband. I was worried that I would die in a car accident or something and I started making sure the house was put together before bed and then when I left in the morning, I'd make sure everything was put away. My reasoning was: if The Husband died during the day I don't think I could handle coming home after finding out only to find his blue coffee mug in the sink or a pair of boxers by the bed. It would kill me. So I've almost always made sure things were in order. It's crazy!

[Ramie]

I've had the dream (when DH was deployed).....in mine,the clinical counselor assigned to our command (1000 Navy on a large Army base) called me to tell me to be watching for the black car. I KNOW that no one calls and they just show up, but there ya have it.

All day, the day after my dream, I spent looking over myshoulder. Everywhere I went....even to my girlfriends house, who's a civilian and lives in the sticks.....it was the most miserable day. To top it off, my MIL, who's a major worry wart (to the point that DH doesn't tell her where he's really at when deployed) was here staying with me and the munchkins for a few days. I couldn't talk about it with anyone (til I went to my gf's), because i didn't want her to overhear me.....So couldn't have coped with her questioning me too.

The day after was by far the hardest part.....I believe I woke myself up before I was able to get to the part about the black car actually showing up, because I don't recall that now.

When I talked to DH about it a few days later, he apologized profusely for putting me in the situation.....then I felt horrible because he felt bad. He didn't put me here...I signed my name and joined this willingly (although, sometimes I look back and see how naive I was!).

It seems to happen to way too many of us, but it's so natural with everything going on too.

HUGS

[MilWife]

Wow...wierd. I have never had a dream about my husband being killed until about three days ago. He is currently deployed and I missed a call from him by about one minute, grrr. He left me a voicemail saying he was going out on a mission and would give us a call when he got back in. That night I dreamed he was killed in action. The really weird part was that somehow I saw it happen, like a vision??? Then later "they" came to our home to tell me. I think I also received a call ahead of time to let me know they would be coming. I was so disoriented when I woke up because it all seemed so real. I finally heard from him this morning and all is well...whew. I hope I never have that happen again!

[Ms. MO]

I have nightmares all the time, before, during and after deployment. I have dreamed that I too was a soldier, I had one where my youngest daughter and I were visiting him in Iraq and bombs were going off all around us. You name it and I have had the "dream".

[airforcewife]

I have had that dream, but it was overshadowed by another thing. I once woke up in the wee hours of the morning with a complete panic attack that I could not identify. I've never had one before or since, and it was awful- sweating, couldn't breath, dry heaves, etc.

When it finally calmed down, I recorded it in my journal - including the time and I *jokingly* (because I didn't want him to worry) told AFG about it the next time we talked. It turns out that at the same time I was having that panic attack, he and his guys were taking fire.

The funny thing was, I found that oddly comforting. Not that AFG was taking fire, but it made me feel like we have some special connection - like I would not be out of the loop if something happened.

I know that's probably silly. I know the two things are probably completely unrelated. But that coincidence made me feel... less alone. Like I had a connection that distance wasn't going to change.

[Erin Rages]

Bleck. I've had a terrible dream like this before. It was strange how absolutely devastated I felt in the dream - almost like I couldn't imagine it feeling any worse if it had really happened.

[Erin Rages]

Bleck. I've had a terrible dream like this before. It was strange how absolutely devastated I felt in the dream - almost like I couldn't imagine it feeling any worse if it had really happened.

[gold star jessie]

Trust me. It feels worse when it really happens.

I had the assorted deployment dreams but they were always very vague, I could never remember the details. When it happened for real, I woke up in the middle of the night unexpectedly. I spent the day cleaning my entire house without knowing why, and opened my door to the Class A's just as I finished. I have later learned from others who have lost spouses and children, that they also had a compulsion to clean that day.
Like AFW's experience, I find strange comfort in that connection that defies both distance and death.

[Joan D'Arc]

I've never had a dream that DH was killed (that I can remember) but I do occasionally have dreams that he has "left me" (not always for another woman) and I wake up crying. It's been off and on for years! The weird thing is that DH and I have a great relationship and I have never once actually thought he would leave me or cheat on me or anything of the sort. When DH is home and I have one of these dreams he wraps his arms around me and holds me until I go back to sleep. But when he's not home, I wake up crying in a panic until I figure out it was just a dream. I haven't had one of those dreams in a while, but I feel like my world ends when I do. I don't even want to imagine how I would feel if I dreamed about DH dying. Gosh, Andi! My heart goes out to you! (and those of you who also have had that type of dream).

[Andi]

Thanks for weighing in, everyone. As always, nice to know I'm not the only one...

Gold Star Jessie - I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Brandy]

I am in tears reading this article and the accompanying comments. I had a dream no two days ago that my husband (who is deployed right now) died, but he wasn't dead. I woke up and spent the whole night trying to plan his funeral and grieving. Only to realize that I can't plan his funeral because he won't tell me what he wants and I can't decide between a million things for almost as many reasons. Then there are all the stories about US soldiers being killed over there and I think waiting for that call, hoping it never comes is harder than any dream.

[old army wife]

I think I had the dream once this last spring, but I don't remember the details. Just waking up in a panic, crying.
I can identify with AFW, I had the same panic attack one night when DH was in Desert Storm and something had happened to him at that moment.
I had a day during this deployment that was in a way a close call and it was almost like a dream and won't soon be forgotten. Our FRG leader and the call leaders for our company called all of the spouses from our company one day about mid-afternoon and told us that there would be an 'emergency FRG meeting" the following afternoon. THe call leader that called me told me she didn't know what it was about and that the FRG leader refused to tell her when she asked. Well, being married to this man's Army for almost 20 years and this being our 5th deployment, I knew what it meant. Someone in our unit had been hurt or killed in an attack in Iraq. And even though I knew that if the other families were being told, then the families of any KIA's would have already been notified, I was still a nervous wreck, thinking that it could still be possible that my husband could be injured and it could be longer before I was told, provided he let anyone tell me. Not an hour after the call I received, my door bell rang. My heart nearly jumped out of my chest, my legs were so weak that I nearly fell down the stairs going to answer the door. It turned out to be a friend dropping off some hand me down clothes. After she left, I went straight to my computer and emailed my husband telling him about the call, that I knew what it meant, told him that I figured since I hadn't seen a chaplain and casualty affairs officer on the porch yet that he was at least alive, but hoped that he was uninjured. He called me about 12 hours later to let me know what had happened and that he was okay.

[MrsEMO]

I'm a 20+ year Navy Wife and we have the dream too. I've had the dream every since his first deployment, but it has definitely worsened since the Cole. I've discussed it with my counselor and he told me that lots of wives probably have the dream but never talk about it. Since he told me that I've talked to the other wives in our support group and found out I'm not alone. I think one of the hardest things is waking up with your pillow soaked and spending the day waiting for the doorbell to ring. You know in your head that it's probably not going to happen, but getting your heart to agree is something very different. The fact that we have each other makes all the difference in the world and that's what gets us through each day.

[Petra]

When the current deployment started, I would dream about the unmarked car every night. I'd come home from shopping, or I'd just get up in the morning and be still sleepy, or I'd be over at a friend's house and see them stop at my place...The worst is the feeling of helplessness I get. The knowledge, that there is nothing I can do. I can refuse to see them, talk to them, but I can't make the reason they're seeking me out go away. Then I wake up and panick, pretty much the same, about the house needing some cleaning and how I should have it all sorted, just in case. But I never have, and maybe it's good that way, too. We certainly picked a life that keeps us on our toes, but for my part, it makes me appreciate everything so much more!

[DLM]

I had a lot of bad dream when I was little when my day went away. I got used to it by the time I was 9 but, I have been distant from my dad. We never liked each other I wasn't that close to my mom or dad. He got out of the Army When I was 10. Now, I find my self married to a Navy hubby. I never had bad dream when my hubby went out I always said he was so safe he is on a ship. Now, I am so scared. I have been having this dream that I see him at the end of the bed. In my dream he comes to me and says please make sure the kids don't forget me. He goes on to say make sure that I make STEAK AND FRENCH FRIES AND BROWNIES. Those are his fave foods. I like the brownies too. I wake up in a panic and send an email to him and wait for him to call. I call him and leave a message on his phone too. I am going to need month to catch up on my sleep. I heard someone post they have a counselor. How many people have one? Just checking. Maybe I need one to talk to about my dreams and stress.

[Army wife experienced]

Ok, a dream or two is one thing. If it persists and you are constantly thinking about this,anxious, have insomnia or nightmares for weeks, get some help - so you can rest your brains and get some peaceful sleep! Im sure your spouses left you with the "run down" of where the papers are, what to do if he is killed or captured and who to contact for help. Cross that bridge if/when you have to. Mental health care is part of your benefits- use it and stop tormenting yourselves.

[Stephanie]

I have dreamt alot about my husband dying actually. I kept wondering if I was going crazy, and thinking to myself, that maybe him dying was all I was thinking about. This is my husbands first deployment. I can relate to the whole planning of the funeral. I know what he wants, and I know that is how I have to do it. I am not sure if something like that were to actually happen, if I would be stable enough to deal with something like that. How would I cope with not being an army wife? I am acustomed to this life in the short time that I have been in it, its easy to follow, and as much as I would like to say that, I would be more worried about his death, I find myself thinking the same. Im not in the Army anymore. Is this normal, is it something I should be seeing a counselor for?