Step Children

When I was little, I never dreamed of being a step mom. (Did anyone?)

However, when I knew that Scout was the man I was going to marry, it didn't matter to me that he had a daughter. I knew that my goal with Scout Jr would be to make her feel like she had won the Step Mom Lottery. Looking back, I was extremely naive; being a step mom is a cakewalk, but being a good step mom is challenging.

I feel like the military makes our situation a little more complicated. We don't get to see Scout Jr all that often for a combination of reasons (cough), but for the sake of argument, let's just say it's mostly because the Army has taken us to places pretty far away from her.

My biggest struggle is this: How do I balance fun with basic rules? I don't want her to feel like she has to walk into our house and automatically transform into someone else (particularly if she's not here all that often). I want her to relax and have a good time (but not at the expense of my sanity). Ya know what I mean?

For example, I cannot tell you how many times I repeat myself on a daily basis:

Scout Jr, come pick up your socks. Do not perform the Soulja Boy dance while your brother is sleeping! When I tell you, 'go to bed,' it is not a suggestion, it is a direct order. I don't know where your other flip flop is; if you'd clean up after yourself, you'd know! Flush the toilet! Don't slam doors, please. No, you've already had an ice cream today - eat a piece of fruit!

Is that all normal? I have no idea! Am I being too hard on her, or am I expecting what most moms or step moms would expect?

I'd be really interested to hear from any of you who could share some insight or suggestions!

Comments

[airforcewife]

The flush the toilet thing... I feel you. The final three do not do it either. I don't know why - how can they "forget" that? HOW?

The worst part is that I never know which kid is responsible for the issue.

The teenager no longer has a problem with this, but I can't remember when that happened. I think it's one small compensation for having a hormone ridden and dramatically inclined person around.

[dizzylizzie]

sounds like normal stuff to me. part of being a mom is wishing you had a tape player to just repeat what you've said without loosing your voice. we seem to be the neighborhood hangout so ive instituted a 3 person rule. no more than 3 kids that dont belong to me in the house at once. you'd be amazed how many times i'll count 6 or 7. heck, i can only remember half their names. on the better side of that, the boys LOVE to mow the lawn so there's never a shortage of lawn cutters. LOL!

[Linda]

It's really tough to be a stepmom. I WAS one, though I divorced my first hubby and therefore am no longer involved in either life (it was preferred that way by the boy's mom, actually...she HATED me...but we won't go into that).

It was hard to let J know that when he was with us, he had to play by our rules. His mom let him do most anything, gave him whatever he wanted, and overindulged him. We did not. When he was with us, he had to abide by our house rules. We laid them down straight away. J was told that he had to respect me as he would ANY adult...I was NOT his mother, nor did I want to take her place, but I was part of his life and he had to understand that if I told him to pick up his toys, he had to do just that, or suffer consequences (something he didn't get at home). His behavior really changed in his time with us. He learned how to interact with family members without throwing the "my MOM lets me..." card all the time.

But it took the better part of 3 years...and his mom didn't let us see him nearly enough.

Sadly, he's a grown man now, and he's made some poor choices. Wish I could have kept him in my life more.

[mismysailor]

I'm a Step Mom and it's a fine line to walk at first. I do have to start this off by saying I hit the step kid and ex wife lottery. I tell her all the time I'm so glad I got you instead of the other crazy ex wife model I hear so much about. The first few visits I would always ask myself is this something I'd ask/tell my kids to do. I know I love him and want what's best for him like I do my own so I don't second guess myself anymore. When he's here I'm not his Step Mom, I'm his Mom and I treat him as such.

[Laura, a Military Mom]

Erin...that's all normal stuff, I don't think they start to remember or hear until they are parents themselves.

dizzylizzie...our house became the house to hang out when Sons #1,2,3 were all home, I was glad that they were where I KNEW what they were doing and getting into. Of course, there was the time I came home to find 3 on the roof with the hose spraying anyone that came into range...I was afraid the police would show up any minute and give me a lecture on my kids and a ticket because we were in a drought on water restrictions! Great memories:)

[tara]

We keep the rules in our house the same, no matter what. Otherwise we would be crazy by now. I have 4 kids from 2 previous marriages and DH has a son from a previous relationship, so the kids are always coming and going at our house. They all know, that while we like to have fun, that the rules have to be followed. Sometimes, especially during the summer, we start to say oh we aren't going to have much time together, let's not be so hard on them. Bad, bad, bad thought. Chaos reigns at that point! So, just remind her like you do your own, that there are rules. She'll still have fun.

[Sandi]

"I cannot tell you how many times I repeat myself on a daily basis...Is that all normal?"

Absolutely! Here's proof.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxT5NwQUtVM

[Lori]

I'm a stepmom too. I married my husband and he had 2 boys from a previous marriage. They shared custody until he deployed and certain things happened and now we have sole legal and physical custody. So in the boys' mind, I AM mom. They've been with me constantly since they were 5 and 7. (It's now 5 years later)

They live here full time, they see their mom during supervised visitations only. It's difficult having to deal with her via email and her not paying child support and planting things in the boys' heads when she's on the phone with them. And then there are times when they act horribly and I think "If they'd been MY kids...If I'd have had them since birth..."

Being a stepmom is tough no matter what situation you're in! All you can do is hope they grow up and take what you taught them to heart!

[Erin N.]

I have been on both sides of this issue...I have seen my mom as a step-mom and I have a step-mom who I absolutely HATED the first 16 years I knew her. Being a step-mom is tough, no two ways about it. I agree with the person earlier who said you should never tell your step children to do anything you wouldn't tell your OWN children to do. That can be a real sore spot. I see the role of the step mom as being a bit more of the "fun mom" than the biological mom. Really, the job of disciplining (in my opinion) when step-kids are older should fall on the biological parent. That way, the step parent doesn't always have to be the bad person. Also, make sure when you get after scout jr. that you are doing it out of a real desire to prevent harm/actually teach something, not just because you hate the fact that she reminds you of another woman in your husband's life. That can cause issues as well. Basically, just do your best to be fair and treat her as you would treat one of your own children. But maybe not as strict if she's only there for a short period of time. You don't want the only memories she has of dad and step-mom's house to be rules and regulations all the time. Eventually she won't want to come back if that is the case.

[ArmyReserveWife]

Not being a stepmom myself, but my dh is a stepdad who adopted my girls. I would say that if you treat Scout Jr just like your children you have with Scout, and that she sees there is no difference in your discipline of her or the others that goes a long way.

[tad's tibbit]

I joined the stepmom club 10 years ago. Thankfully my husband and I have, basically, the same thoughts on disipline, ect.. though I too have the spoil-the-child-to-stick-it-to-the-ex ex factor.
I agree with the treat them like you would your own. We have joint custody, and three boys along with my stepson. He sees that all the boys have to follow the same rules and that seems to help.
Doesn't stop him from doing the whole whine, gripe, blah blah blah, yada yada yada... Darn teenagers lol

[mary]

I joined the step-mom club 17 years ago and raising my husbands two sons was the worst part of my life. Why? because althoug the BIO-Mom did not want want them to live with her and never took them for long periods of time as they interfered with her single life...I was the step-mom that got blamed for anything and evreything. I was the one that sat up with them when they were sick, made them do thier homework and who taught them manners and respect. But I am the bitch now and after having to put up with the miserable teen years they are now buddie buddie with the Bio-mom who can enjoy the fuits of my labor now that they are grown up and she is a success after living in school for many many years while I made the sacrafices, she has time for them. I will tell anyone now, if you meet a man who has children and you fall in love, run like hell if he asks you to marry him!

[Dawn1001]

I am the step mom of a 4 yr old little girl...complete angel when she's here obey's the rules and everything...BUT last weekend she blantently told me that the only reason she doesn't want to come here is because mom tells her daddy is trying to take her away from mommy every friday before the driver picks her up...also mommy doesn't tell her what to do, and school and here they always tell her what to do...well now the driver is REFUSING to bring her here because both driver, Child Protection worker, (the agency is involved with the mother and has been since the first of 7 children removed from her care was born)... This has turned our world upside down...including my 2 children that live here with us...a 4 yr old and a parent who doesn't parent...and now CPW's who are letting a 4 yr old run situation. She's a 4 yr old adult who detirmines everything at mom's, and she doesn't like to come to daddy's because there are rules to abide by...it's so frustrating, it's come down to this...We either don't have any rules for her when she is here or she doesn't come. and the Child protection agency doesn't seem to see anything wrong with that...we will not be bullied by a 4 yr old but we sure do miss her :( I don't know what to do anymore...any advice???