When things don't go according to plan

I know it isn't smart to imagine(plan on) smooth sailing and perfection when anticipating reintegration.  But even when things seemed on the right track, what happens when things go downward rather quickly?

Where there was once good nature and even temper, what do you do when faced with threats and ultimatums?  Absolutely not threats of physical violence, let that be clearly stated.   But how do you respond when the patience and understanding you remember has been replaced by a much shorter and volatile fuse you don't know how to respond to?

In advance of the upcoming appointments, I was hoping for some comments about anyone else who might find themselves having faced similar issues.  Or might just have something to make the whole thing gain a helpful perspective.

Comments

[Semper Fi Wife]

Well, without knowing exactly what's going on, you (the general you not the specific) definitely don't want to take the bait and escalate things.
The anger or frustration is really not directed at you.
That said, you should make it perfectly clear that you are willing to TALK about things but you are nobody's damnit doll. And sometimes, encouraging that person to talk to a chaplain isn't a bad idea either. That's one of the things they are around to do.

Ultimatums? I don't do ultimatums...

Hope that helps, WU.

[Cassandra]

One on the most helpful things my husband ever said to me was this:

"I need to talk to you. But I need for you not to be emotional when I try to tell you how I'm feeling."

It's very important to understand that I am not saying that you are being emotional.

But I have been married for a very long time.

I have gone through 3 one year unaccompanied tours. I have always thought that I understood my husband, and that I understood men.

And each time, I've been rocked by the realization that even in our rock solid marriage, disagreements can boil over in an instant and upset both of us so much that we are on the edge. Of what? I don't know. All I do know is that when you love someone, when they are your whole world, they also have the power to hurt you more than anything else.

One thing with men that I think we often don't realize is that they perceive the slightest negative thing we say as criticism. If we are unhappy - about anything at all - that is perceived as a criticism they need to solve. And they are hurt far more easily than they let on. They need for us to respect and admire them and most of them deeply fear losing our love, just as we fear losing theirs. But they are not very good at expressing any of this b/c it simply is not "done" for guys to admit any of this. It is not "manly".

I imagine that he is feeling very unsure right now, of his place in your home and in your life. And men react with anger and a need to reassert themselves. If you react with emotion or anxiety (as I would, since this is strange behavior from him) they will push back. He needs you to understand and accept him. Not his behavior necessarily, but him.

If you can, try to ignore anything negative that he does. JUST FLAT OUT IGNORE IT. I'm serious. And look for good or kind things that he does. Also, try in a positive way to let him know what you need from him. Lead him back to the way you were. That is what he needs from you. When he does something kind or good, immediately let him know how much you appreciate him. Find opportunities to tell him how glad you are that he is back. I know that with a new baby you are tired, and he is probably not doing his share (and that is probably part of the problem too - the baby is taking part of your attention that he would like to have - men get jealous, too!). But I was married in college and found that when I fixed my attitude, my husband turned his around. It isn't always "fair", but I have found that in marriage, often the woman leads the way. And it is leadership, and it is important. Probably the most important thing you will ever do, because your home life is central to everything else. It is the foundation upon which everything else rests.

Too many people forget that. Sorry this is so long, and I hope it isn't too preachy :p

[Cassandra]

I think what I may have been trying to say there (didn't do too good a job b/c I was in a hurry) is that he probably needs calm love and acceptance from you, more than anything else. That's really, really hard when you have a new baby and you're tired. And he probably needs to know that even if he freaks out a little, you won't. That you're still the same old "you" - someone whose love he can count on in a confusing world.

We are so used to looking up to men that I'm not sure we always understand all the ways in which they depend upon us, too. They can't articulate this because it's not acceptable for them to do so. We are so lucky that we are able to.

Anyway, if you want to talk, you have my email :)

[Andi]

I'm so glad you posted this. I've said it many times, but I truly believe that reintegration is one of the most difficult periods for military families.

As Cass said, even "rock solid" marriages are not immune to the challenges of reintegration.

No words of wisdom to offer here, just that it's a process and patience, as hard as it is for many (especially me), is so important during this time.

[Reasa]

We come back to the situation a day later after we have calmed down. It works most of the time and it allows Hubby to see it in a new light. Just the other day something hapened and both of us were not happy with the outcome. Decided we needed to stay away from the topic and end our evening on a good note. The next day while on the phone the situation came up in a joking matter but was resolved. We have to give ourselves time to cool off and it allows both f us to learn the triggers of what could set Hubby off. Sometimes it will never happen again or a trigger will take months to resolve.

As time comes closer to deployment and dates have been set it seems as if the things we had worked through before are coming back though. It is more often again and more unprediactable. We still try to pratice the samething but it is harder when I am not sure anymore what could trigger a negative reaction.

[NavyChiefSqueeze]

I just realized I need to get a new name here--anyway. Reintegration--I wish I had some wisdom but I just went through one with not much success. It has ended in divorce. Give him time and space--this is a must. Talk to other spouses for support. Do you best for him and you every day. Don't give up.

[SeabeeSeniorWife]

NCS-Sorry to hear about the divorce. Such a sad time for you I'm sure. My thoughts are with you.

We've definitely been experiencing our own reintegration issues and I'm really thankful for those that have words of wisdom to share. One of our toughest issues is that everyone else around us thinks he's alright and they forget he is just back from a war zone. He lost his temper at a softball practice the other day, it wasn't even bad but definitely out of character for him, and the others there looked at him like he was crazy. I spoke with one of the other coaches wives later and explained some of it to her and she still acted like he might go off the deep end or something. Civilian reintegration is tough, they think you should just snap back to normal in about a week. I think it makes those returning men bury their emotions even further because they don't want others to think there is something wrong.

Personally, my hubby is still choosing to deny anything is different and he continues to keep a distance between himself and everyone else. But I'm trying to take the advise of others and hang in there by staying calm and loving him until he's forced to let down that barrier. We'll see how it goes. I'm pretty stubborn and don't intend to lose him without putting up a good fight first.

[Cassandra]

I like the time and space idea.

It can be hard to be the rock all the time. Sometimes when your husband has been gone for so long, you have both been waiting for the other one to get home so you can release all this pent up emotion. I think that may be part of the reintegration stress - I know it was for me.

I kept crying for no reason when my husband first got home. I didn't cry when he was gone, and I was happy when he got back. But even after three months, I still cry for no reason. It is just pent up emotion from a whole year when I was afraid to let myself cry.

Maybe that is part of what he is experiencing?

[liberal army wife]

the short temper was not something I was used to - he was always the calmest of people. I usually solved it by trying to remain calm (but I'm Italian... it's hard) once or twice I did have to snap back that I was NOT to be talked to in that tone of voice, nor was I to be ordered around.

There were a few yelling matches, that we walked away to our separate corners and came back later and tried to discuss normally. He needed to understand that while he had changed, so had I and we needed to find ournew normal. It helped that I had had some counseling before he got home. The honeymoon period may have morphed into a "I don't need to tip toe anymore" period. But rules have to be set down, and discussions need to be held on what is and isn't appropriate in your situation. Counseling , by someone who understands military to avoid the whole translation routine, is key.

And knowing that somewhere under there is that person, the one who you aren't recognizing right now. calm, understanding and love... and then some firm rules and discussions, coming from that same place of love and understanding.

good luck, I'm pulling for ya.

LAW

[GuardWife 2]

Reintegration is the part I think is the hardest.

Don't forget about Military One Source. They have tons of resources, including free counseling sessions for both you and your Soldier (if they have finally gotten to the point that they realize it will be helpful).
They are available 24/7
800-342-9647

[plc]

Be open minded and willing to go with the flow - My husband spent for of his 18 day leave working on the car. After the first day I realized it was what he needed to do to deal. Let me tell you it was very hard not telling him he was crazy for wasting his R&R. And the amazing thing was he didn't even realize that he was doing it. We could have easily paid someone to do an oil change and put new tires on the car. But it seemed to calm him and give him a feeling of purpose, like things would be taken care of while he was gone. When we planned his R&R I did not plan on large portion of it taking place at car stores, and in driveways. But looking back, it was well spent time because it made him feel good. I guess it would be like me scrapbooking?

[plc]

4 days of his 18 day leave - not "for"!!

[kirsten]

echoing the counseling suggestion

(though we only had one session all together with the same counselor the kids & I had been meeting with while he was gone) please also consider www.giveanhour.org they will provide up to a year of free counseling for ANYONE (wives, grandmothers, girlfriends, whoever, not just DoD ID card holders)

We found our counselor through the website (just type in your zip code).

otherwise time, space, a calm listening presence help.

I didn't take my hubby to Disneyworld with the family, I took him hiking in the mountains while the grandparents came and got the kids to/from school. He started talking about Iraq after a couple of minutes on the first trail (had been home for several weeks before we left) and kept talking most of the time we were away.

Good luck, it's not easy and you are not alone.

[hope]

Hmm... this kind of thing can surely throw you for a loop, even if you were watching for the signs. It was easy for me to fool myself into thinking that perhaps DH was just having a bad day... when really, in our case, the loss of patience and irritability were really the first symptoms of something much more, which turned out to be PTSD. DH and I are both getting counseling now, but I wish we had pursued this much earlier on because we are hanging on by just a thread at this point. Your post sounds as if you and/or your DH have already made some appointments to help out... and that is a huge step. I hope the best for you!

[aircrew fiance]

A Chaplain recently wrote about transitioning from theater to home, taking a look at the battlemind skills that get Soldiers to war and back and how those skills must transition from the battlefront to the homefront.

Its worth checking out:

http://thebayonet.com/articles/2008/06/13/community/spiritual/spiritual02.txt

[Bonny]

When I read this the first time, I had to step away from the computer. I didn't come back to it for a few days. It just hit too close to home. Even though my Hubby has been home since 2006, we have only just worked out some of the kinks that pre-deployment, post deployment and reintegration have given us.

Where there was once a kind and understanding man was now someone I didn't recognize nor was I sure that I wanted to get to know this person. What was I supposed to do? In any other situation, I would walk away from someone like this but this person is my Husband.

Try as I might, civilian counseling did not help. This was after I begged him to go. We tried separate counselors but that also didn't work for us. How could we work on problems when we weren't even in the same room?

The last ditch attempt was the marriage seminars that were offered. It was only a weekend course, away from home, and kids were not allowed. Neither one of us had much hope but it actually saved us. It wasn't so much therapy but a time to reconnect and really listen to one another. Sure, we both knew how to talk, and loved doing it. What neither one of us was doing was listening. We were both concentrating on what to say, and getting our points across that we couldn't understand what the other wanted and needed.

The one thing that we learned was to listen and then parrot what was said. This made us talk, listen, stop, and process the conversation. Yes, things took longer but things were much clearer than before. If there is still love there, he will stop and respect the conversation,no matter how he may have changed. He finally realizes how he sounds and why I react the way I do. I now know what is going through his head and why he says those things.

Another deployment is looming, and I am dreading it. Not so much for the issues of the past but for the simple reason that I will miss him. We have come a long way but we still have a long way to go, and I am glad that he will be there with me.

I don't know if this has been any help but I hope you now know that you are not alone. As you can see from the other posts, we all have our share of problems and issues. If you see even a glimmer of the man you once knew, hold on and don't let go.