The Hard Conversations

On Sunday, my husband and I sat down and went over our finances.  Normally this is his lane, but since he'll be gone he's turning the reins over to me.  He showed me how the computer program works and we talked about what we're going to do with his extra entitlements.  In the course of discussing our day-to-day finances, I asked my husband what he would suggest I do if I did suddenly end up with SGLI money.

We had a good talk about a couple different things I could do with such a large sum of money, and he pointed me in the direction of financial services and planners who could help me if I found myself in that situation.  I'm glad we discussed this, because I would have no idea what the best strategy would be.  And I certainly wouldn't want to have to figure it all out right in the middle of my grief.

After our conversation, I got to thinking.  In a sick way, we military families are lucky that we're forced to talk about things like this.  Because of the nature of our lives, we have to know some pretty morbid things, like our spouse's burial wishes or what to do with SGLI money.  We also have to constantly update our wills and childcare plans.  We periodically have to have these hard discussions, discussions that I am certain most other couples in our age range don't have very often or at all.  But this is a good thing.  This helps us prepare for the worst.  Our civilian friends can die too, in car accidents or tragedies, and their spouses might be left with many unanswered questions and a mess to sort through.  But because my husband deploys, I know where he wants to be buried, what I should do with life insurance money, and, in my relatively unique case, whether I will continue with fertility treatments if something happened to him this year.

I'm glad our lifestyle gives us the opportunity to have these hard conversations.

Comments

[MO]

You know I agree with you that this is a good thing. My father will not discuss any of it and he's not the only one, there are so many. Mav' and I know exactly what we want done with everything. It's good to know and it's a small comfort.

[aggie_mle]

Plus, by having these difficult conversations.. it keeps the thought fresh in your mind that you should treasure each moment with the one that you love.. i'm sure other couples that don't have those conversations, get swept up into "normal/everyday" life and start to take each other for granted. I always have the thought in the back of my head.. don't take him for granted.. he may not be here tomorrow.

[Reasa]

In a way this is funny because Sunday night Hubby and i had the same chat. We had just attended the furneal of friend of ours. He had everything planned and Hubby and I talked about what we had to do if the other died. We covered everything including the SGLI and Kiddos. It is weird talking about it but at the same time it is a comfot to know what Hubby would want us to do so we could be taken care of the rest of our lives.

[Tressa]

Your post got me to thinking and my DH and I talked a little about it tonight. It was a good thing.

[Some Soldier's Mom]

Andi once did a post about how she dealt with "the envelope" her DH handed her upon his deployment...

I believe the military provides access to free financial planning for a year (10 months?) if you have SGLI funds (although I have heard criticisms that they tell you that when they hand you the check before the funeral but never mention it again)

parents also must deal with these things on behalf of their children... having to ask "where would you like to be buried if something happens to you?" can crush a mother...

there are some good pre-deployment checklists out there -- this one from the Amer. Bar Assoc.

http://www.abanet.org/legalservices/helpreservists/forms/checklist.pdf

[Penny]

I was actually thinking about this, this morning. Dh is set to deploy again in single digit months and although we'd said a few things about the subject we haven't quite covered everything. We definitely do need to sit down and talk about this, as sad as it may be, but like the other spouses have been saying I would much rather be prepared then to have to worry about everything if it arose.

[HomefrontSix]

A friend of mine who lost her husband back in 2004 said that the best piece of advice was not to make any major, life altering, permanent decisions for at least a year.

Like Sarah said, trying to tackle decisions like that in the midst of overwhelming grief is not something most of us would be capable of doing. I am working on a notebook for our family that would include plans for what to do with the monies should I find myself in that situation. I can't imagine having to deal with this should anything happen to MacGyver.

[Melissa]

I am truly greatful for this post. DH is set to deploy in a month and we haven't discussed any of this and I know we should and I have tried in the past, but never has it be as relevant as it is now, I wonder if I had a list in front of us if maybe then it would seem more important to him. I hate to make him think I am not Faithful but some things still need to be dealt with. Again thank you!