From the Mailbag: Cutting the Umbilical Cord

Funny that Sarah mentioned this just last week.

An email from a reader:

I'm heading into our first war deployment.  Many of the other spouses in our FRG are first timers, too, and it seems that we are all having some similar struggles with our husbands.  We are about two months out, and while I have read a lot about anticipatory grief and all those other things that the spouses go through, I haven't seen much about the psychology and/or emotions that our servicemembers experience during this time.  Have other spouses found that their servicemembers have shorter tempers?  I'm not talking about major marital crises, but more petty arguments and disagreements over things that are usually easy to skim over? 

Do we all sort of need some detachment before the deployment so that it's not such a blow when they leave?

Thoughts?

Comments

[Becca]

My hubby has just checked out. It's still a few months before he deploys to Iraq but emotionally he is already gone, which of course has caused a lot more fights and hurt feelings.

[Butterfly Wife]

This sounds perfectly normal. Both parties probably just need to be aware of it, and when appropriate talk about it and the underlying fear and anxiety of what is causing the short temper.

[Stephanie]

I agree with Butterfly Wife - perfectly normal. Recognition and communication are key.

[Ramie]

Seems normal to me too...we do it all the time when DH heads out. Sometimes he gets months of notice, sometimes days....no matter which, it seems the "life cycle of deployment" always plays in.

Check with your family service center for a flyer called "The Life Cycle of Deployment". Our FCS passed them out about a year ago and it was so dead on that it isn't funny.

[MrsD]

Ramie,

Can you give us more information about the flyer you're talking about? I'd love to get my hands on one!

[smilesalot]

You can do an internet search for it. There are lots of copies of it out there. The first one that came up for me:

www.hooah4health.com/deployment/
Familymatters/emotionalcycle.htm

This is my first deployment. It's been spot on. Feels like it was written by a psychic sometimes! How else could they know all this about me/us?!

[smilesalot]

You can do an internet search for it. There are lots of copies of it out there. The first one that came up for me:

www.hooah4health.com/deployment/
Familymatters/emotionalcycle.htm

This is my first deployment. It's been spot on. Feels like it was written by a psychic sometimes! How else could they know all this about me/us?!

[liberal army wife]

totally normal. they are (and this is a great term for it) checked out. Head is out there somewhere, body is sorta kinda here. Drives me nuts, and lots of little fights (deep down, is it us saying, ok, fine LEAVE already?) how do they know, smiles? they've been there.

LAW

[ft riley army wife]

well things can seem this way at the start but wait until that 1st month passes u will look back to understand his maybe lashing out and even at sometimes endless affection is totally normal u can never prepare enough I hope u do get that packet so that u can fully realize that its not really marital problems but anxiety and just the both of you bein so nervous keep your head up for you and your brave one

[Erin]

I havne't had to do a deployment one yet, but DH and I bicker in general, so I paid particular attention prior to his leaving. I really trod lightly, knowing that I have the tendency to nag him and that would set him off. It would be really easy for me to do the "do you have this item packed?" routine and have him blow up.

[Elisa]

I remember that moment very clearly: when I realized my husband was pulling away before he deployed. I didn't know how to deal with it, so I let him. We're young and had only been married 10 months when he deployed. He was short-tempered and kept "needing his space" - more than usual. Kept disappearing into the other room instead of watching TV with me.
One night I spent an hour on our patio crying my eyes out. I didn't know what to do, what to say, how to communication how much I needed his affection and attention. When I walked back inside and he saw my puffy eyes and runny nose, he looked so scared. So I laid everything out, and it certainly helped. He confessed that he was holding back because it was already hard enough. Every tender/sweet moment was just another reminder that he absolutely did not want to leave. He had no clue how to handle a war separation. Neither did I! Our first common ground in a few weeks...
We held each other up during those last couple months; sometimes he held me, sometimes I held him. It's never an easy situation.
Just remember to love each other, be honest and always, always be patient. Deployment is a unique circumstance and no matter how we have handled pressure in the past there's no guarentee that's how we'll handle it for a deployment situation.

[Stevesprincess]

We both went through about a million different emotions a few weeks before he left. At the time I didn't know that that was a common reaction most of us go through, and it really scared me. Know we are on the less them 30 day count down to him coming home, and once again I am feeling about a million different things. I am happy, excited, and scared at the same time. This is the longest we have ever been apart in the last 17 years. We got very luck that he has only had to got to Iraq once since this all started. Don't get me wrong there have been other deployment, but this has been the longest one. Andi, I will keep you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers.

[GBear]

Papa Bear and I don't have to wait for a deployment to have issues with pre-separation anxiety. If he's going on an extended TDY, we have this type of issue - less so, but still there. Last time he was gone for over three months and we tried to catch ourselves if we felt this coming, but it's very hard!

At least there seems to be more awareness of this issue, which means we can try to deal with it! Also means we can try to 'be there' and be aware of other spouses who may be facing this issue!

[Jewel]

My husband and I both experience "checking out" before he deploys. His mind is already on his new deployed assignment and mine is on what I'm going to do to keep myself busy while he's gone. Bickering and being emotional are perfectly normal, but it's helpful to be able to communicate your feelings to your spouse so you both understand what you are thinking and feeling.

When my husband deployed this last time, the timing could not have been worse. Our son was ending his freshman year of college at a school across the country, so I flew up to meet him to help him drive home. Unfortunately I had to leave two days before my husband deployed and because my son and I were driving home, there was no way we could make it home before DH deployed. I was torn up inside just thinking about my husband leaving without his family by his side and I always felt he didn't get the proper send-off he deserved. I felt so guilty for the longest time until I told my husband my feelings. To my surprise he was glad we weren't home to see him off because leaving was hard enough for him to do without us being there too.

[Erin]

This is soooo normal in our household. We get in the dumbest fights a few weeks from when Scout leaves. And then once he's gone, everything is fine again. Although I know it's subconscious, it's easier to say good-bye to someone I've distanced myself from rather than from the Love of My Life Whom I Will Miss So Much.

[Kati]

My husband recently deployed (1st deployment) and he sure did "check out" about a month before he left. A friend of ours deployed to iraq about a month and a half before my husband left and i think thats when it struck him he'd be gone too. It was hard seeing him so out of it, and having to explain it to others. But he realized he was doing it and wrote me the loveliest letter about how he was being stupid for not actually spending his time left treasuring our time together. The last couple of days he was distant again right up until we were putting the bags in the car and he just grabbed me and held me for like 10 minutes. We both cried.