From the Mailbag: Range of Emotions

I'm an active-duty spouse, so I can't totally relate to how the other half lives. Although we can -- and do -- connect on many levels, there are differences. I found this email from a National Guard wife to be very interesting:

I would love to see a post talking about spouses like me. I live with guilt on a daily basis. It's a guilt few people can or will understand. My civilian friends get it least of all, but even my military friends struggle to understand.

You see, DH is in the National Guard.

Guardsmen, especially those with his MOS, commonly stay in the same unit throughout their careers. This means the soldiers get especially close as they watch each other go from 18 to retirement, through marriages and divorces, parenthood and even grandparenthood. And when a spouse gets involved with the unit, she (sometimes he) gets close, too. DH's unit has deployed twice now. DH hasn't deployed at all. The first time he had a medical condition that prevented him from going and this time the Army wouldn't let him. I'm sure most folks have a pretty good handle on how he feels about not going, but what no one ever talks about is how the spouse feels when his/her soldier doesn't deploy. The feelings are so very complex, I'm not sure just labeling them "guilt" really describes them.

First you have the sympathy for your soldier. He wants to go with his people and you love him enough to want him to have what he wants. Then there's the relief. Your soldier isn't going into a war zone. And the worry. Your friends ARE going into a war zone and the person you trust the most in the entire world won't be there to help keep them safe. And the guilt. Your friends' wives have to go through the sacrifice and you don't have to take your turn. Civilians will never understand. I get that. There have to be other military wives out there who understand, though. Surely, I'm not the only person in the world with these horrible conflicting emotions? I would love to hear from someone else who lives with this and how they manage their feelings.

Thoughts?

Comments

[Andi]

And I would add that although the active-duty lifestyle doesn't tend to leave us together for years and years as the National Guard lifestyle may, I think there are active-duty spouses who can still relate to these feelings.

Sometimes, for various reasons, active-duty spouses are not deployable, or are required to say back (Rear D, etc.), so I'll bet there are active-duty spouses who have experienced this range of emotions, too.

[DL Sly]

For the first 6 yrs of marriage to MH, he managed to stay assigned to PMO baseline at his duty stations. Even during Gulf War I, he was one of the 10% that stayed behind to guard the base -- because *somebody* has to and baseline was where he was assigned. He worked 18 hr. days, 7 days a week during that time, so I rarely saw him, but he still came home every day while the majority of his guys went to the sandbox. And I knew he was coming home safe and mostly sound (come on, this is MH, he married me. Need I say more?) every day, unlike the wives of our friends whose husbands had deployed. It wasn't until he was tabbed to go on an unaccompanied tour to Okinawa, (because his overseas control date was waaay overdue) that we were separated for the first time.
When 9/11 hit, though, life changed drastically for us. Being an MP, I rarely saw him as longer shifts and extra security meetings became the norm. Then one day, he came home with all of his deployment gear. I knew what that meant, and my E-ticket rollercoaster ride of emotions kicked into high gear. I didn't want him to go. But I also knew that this was what he was trained to do, what his job was. And, fwiw, he felt the same way. We had tried for nine years to have a child and finally our mini-miracle had arrived. He did not want to leave her. But, MH is a Marine. He wanted to go fight -- both to get some *payback* and to make sure that nobody would attack our native soil again. I understood those reasons and agreed with them completely. But, I didn't want to lose my husband, and I knew the chances of that were very, very real.
So, I've been on both sides of this coin. It doesn't matter whether active duty, reserves or National Guard, when it comes to deployment to a war zone, we're all in this together. We all ride the rollercoaster and feel guilty because of the times we *hate* it or just want to throw up. But we make it through and are stronger after the journey than we ever thought possible.

[TomboyWarrior]

Well, I've had the first two conflicting feelings you mentioned ... my fiancé is active duty Navy. He was going to go IA to Iraq, and then they canceled the orders at the last minute. Huge relief for me, but he was a little disappointed because he had really wanted to go ... and now (a couple months later) he is going crazy from boredom and monotony. So I definitely know about being happy he's safe on the one hand, and not being so happy because he's not happy about it.

Since it was IA, though, he wouldn't have gone with a unit at all. So I didn't get that aspect of it.

[NCArmyWife]

I think I can relate. My husband has worked for the same company since he enlisted 4 years ago. These men have been to Iraq together 2 some 3 times. They have had their single days, dating days, and now introduced their wives to the mix. We are a tight knit group.

He is deployed now, and is injured. So now he sits on base "safe" while they rest go out over and over again. My girlfriend calls to say they are out again, and my husband calls that night complaining how bored he is and that time is dragging.

So I am a relieved he doesn't go out on missions any longer, but feel so guilty that he doesn't and the others do. I get phone calls several times a week and emails, and the others do not.

Then there is the fact that when things are really tense, and possibly really scary, that's when they send him back out because they need him. So then I'm furious. He's injured and not 100% not even 75% and they need him?! But then I'm back at the guilt. So yes I am there with you. Guilt has so many other emotions tied to it.

[Guard Wife]

I think those emotions can crop up even if your spouse did deploy but his deployment didn't take him into what's considered a "hot zone" even though bombs still go off & people are still trying to kill each other.
I don't think I judge others based upon their experiences, but for some reason, I think others do. I found myself not always mentioning where my husband deployed to because I actually had people say, "Oh, well, at least he isn't in X." Yeah, tell that to my kids or to my husband for that matter--I'm sure it helped him ignore all the events he witnessed when he was deployed simply because he wasn't in a particular region.
It's hard not to put these feelings on yourself, especially when others and their erroneous beliefs about your husband, his rank, his service, his MOS, etc. lead them to say or write ridiculously inaccurate and ignorant things.
I would just encourage you to keep your chin up. And, rather than shying away from those whose husbands are gone, I'd encourage you to extend yourself. Be upfront with your fellow milspouses and let them know where you are & how much running to the grocery or picking up their kids from school would mean to you. Or, turn yourself into Care Package central for your husband's unit. Continuing to serve can take many forms, even if it isn't with boots on the ground.
I have confidence in you. It IS difficult, but I think your heart is in the right place and you'll find your way.

[ArmyReserveWife]

I think there is guilt not just for guys in guard units taht can't deploy, but what about the guys who are higher in rank (04-06) with MOS's like Public Affairs. My dh is AGR, he commands a public affairs unit that will come up for deployment after he is gone. Iraq has been going on for 5 yrs+ and he hasn't deployed. He has gotten units ready to deploy, but sat on the sideline because he has gone to a headquarters or whatever. I think if we dig there are guilt ridden men and women out there who want to go but for some reason or another haven't.

I agree with Guard Wife, reach out with care packages etc....If the ladies dh can do things for the families of the ones who are gone. Being there for the families of his commrades is better than being with his buddies, IMHO (speaking as a spouse) his buddies can concentrate on the mission and they know that their brother is taking care of their own.

I know the guilt is not an easy thing to get through, but look at what he can do, not what he can't and maybe he will find the reason he didn't go this time.

[Slightly Salty]

When my husband went on an IA to Iraq for a year last year, he was in a safer position than most. He had a desk job and only went outside the wire once. So he was insulated from most of the dangers over there, although there were some close calls with mortar attacks. I wouldn't say that I felt guilty over him being in a safer position though. As a Navy wife who never expected her husband to be "boots on ground" in a war zone, the idea that he was even over there and not on a boat was enough to freak me out for a while. I felt relieved that of the IA billets out there, he got a "safer" one. But I did empathize with other Navy wives whose husbands went on more dangerous IA jobs overseas.

[Nonnie48]

My husband if Active Duty infantry. He had deployed once to both Afghanistan and Iraq but when it came time for his unit to do a second deployment to Iraq, he was scheduled to have surgery. And I think we both experienced the emotions mentioned. And I am sad to say I distanced myself from the other wives. I was so worried about what they/their husbands were thinking about my husband not having to go, that I didn't offer my support to them and missed out on deepening our friendships. And some may have "looked down" on me/him because he didn't have to go, but those few probably didn't know much about us and I could have just overlooked them.
It certainly is a difficult situation though. Who wouldn't be happy that their significant other did not have to be put in harms way? But how do you surround yourself with others that aren't so fortunate and not feel guilty? All I can say, is don't make the guilt unending by distancing from the others.