Do you feel "left behind?"

When your spouse deploys or goes "away" (i.e. TDY), do you feel as though your spouse "leaves you behind?"

This is a question for anyone who is willing to answer.  Something I was thinking about today and wondered what you all think.  There is a purpose to my question, which I will kindly explain in a follow-up post in a few days.  I will not be giving my own opinion in this post - that will be in the next post.

Please answer "yes" or "no."  Then, if you feel so inclined, write something that justifies your answer (WHY you answered the way you did).  I appreciate it and I promise I will explain soon!

Thanks!

Comments

[liberal army wife]

No. He goes where he needs to go, and I go where I need to go. When it's together, it's wonderful. NOT that there aren't times, such as when I am dealing with something that he usually does (or it's REALLY heavy!) that I wish he hadn't had to go!

Now that he's home, and he goes on TDYs, I get lonely for him, but so far haven't felt left behind. If that TDY is to Italy... then we'll have to reconsider the answer!

LAW

[Reasa]

YEs when I have to deal with the Kiddos all day with no relief.
No because it is his job not mine and I have my own things to do.

[airforcewife]

Yes and No.

Yes, I am a driven individual myself, and sometimes being the one responsible for everything at home drives me batty (lets not even get into caring for a crazy Russian MIL during deployment, mmmkay?). I'd like to go save the world sometime.

No, because I keep very active while AFG is gone, and I understand that life where he is kind of stinks 99.99% of the time.

One thing I can say for sure, though, is that having friends who understand that I can vent to saves my sanity, no matter what mood I'm in at the moment.

[smilesalot]

Only when the ship pulls into an amazing foreign port and I get photos/stories of how fabulous it is. I've never traveled abroad and get jealous but I don't envy the hours, work & sacrifices that go into earning those port visits while on deployment.

[smilesalot]

Only when the ship pulls into an amazing foreign port and I get photos/stories of how fabulous it is. I've never traveled abroad and get jealous but I don't envy the hours, work & sacrifices that go into earning those port visits while on deployment.

[Ramie]

Yes, when he's in an awesome foreign place and seeing the sights. Partying on the weekends, reading a magazine without interruptions, and getting maid service in his 4* hotel (only happens once in awhile, but way more than I get!)

No, when he's in a foreign place and working his tail off and seeing crummy things. Missing his kids growing up, missing holidays and birthdays.

So, I guess my answer is sometimes!

[Jewel]

Nope, I don't feel left behind at all because I know he's out doing his job and doing his part to keep us free and safe. I'm much like Airforcewife in that I keep very busy when my DH is gone, whether deployed or just TDY. I have things I like to do and I enjoy having time to myself. That's why military life is so good for us and our marriage. Someone please tell me what I'm going to do when he retires??? ;-)

[Linda]

I feel VERY left behind. I suppose it's because of the kind of job my hubby has - he's a bandmaster/commander. So, he takes his band out on tours. And he goes to Leadership Training...and they get to go all over and play ceremonies. This winter, he took his band south...to Louisiana, Mississippi, Missouri, and Arkansas. They marched in Mardi Gras parades...and I couldn't help but feel jealous that he gets to spend time in great places. Yeah, he has to spend a lot of time on a bus going from place to place...and he works at night most times. But I often wish I could go with him. Family life here dictates otherwise, and I sometimes want some extra time to myself. People say to me, "well, what if he deploys? You can't get angry about that!". And they're right...because when he deploys, it'll be at the Army's request. Not a trip planned at his whim.

And I REALLY get angry at myself for feeling like that...the whole "it's not FAIR!" whine in my head sounds childish...but I want to know when does it get to be "my" turn?

[Lisa]

Yes, but I feel left behind in a different way. I feel like I'm not part of his daily life anymore. It's like he has a whole different life that doesn't include me, except through an occasional phone call or email.

[DL Sly]

Nope. Not in the least. I lived on my own for 10 years before meeting MH, so I'm quite used to being alone -- or not. Also, I have done my own fair share (and probably a few other people's,too) of travelling, so that has never been a big deal to me. In fact, sometimes after he comes home, it takes a while for me to regain the habit of talking to someone else again.

[sweetestsass]

Kinda. I don't feel so much that I'm left behind, but more like my "real life" is on hold until he gets back. Most of the things we enjoy doing are things we do TOGETHER, and its hard to get passionate about new hobbies, or things to do without him.

[sweetestsass]

Kinda. I don't feel so much that I'm left behind, but more like my "real life" is on hold until he gets back. Most of the things we enjoy doing are things we do TOGETHER, and its hard to get passionate about new hobbies, or things to do without him.

[sweetestsass]

Kinda. I don't feel so much that I'm left behind, but more like my "real life" is on hold until he gets back. Most of the things we enjoy doing are things we do TOGETHER, and its hard to get passionate about new hobbies, or things to do without him.

[sweetestsass]

Kinda. I don't feel so much that I'm left behind, but more like my "real life" is on hold until he gets back. Most of the things we enjoy doing are things we do TOGETHER, and its hard to get passionate about new hobbies, or things to do without him.

[jess]

yes and no. yes because i am lonley but who isn't.

no because i know he is doing his job, its unsafe for me to be where he is, and distracting for him to be doing his job w/ me there to take care of as well.

[Val]

Yes, but not in a bitter or envious way.

For me, it's more that he goes to DO something, and I stay and wait. So the *feeling* is listless and lonely and bereft, even though I know he is not leaving ME.

[aviator wife]

Yes I feel left behind. Even if he is going to a war zone. He is getting new experiences and I am left many times with the same ole same ole.

[Susan]

No, I don't feel left behind or even left out, but I do get lonely and miss him and would be disappointed in me if I didn't. We are reserves so it may be a little different for us. I pack him up roughly every 4th weekend and send him off and then 3-4 weeks a year for AT with an occasional extra few weeks here and there. I miss his help with the kidlet, but don't begrudge him for being gone, but, like I said, our time apart is minimal. It's him who feels as if he leaves me and he's the one who feels bad for not being home for bedtime negotiations and meltdowns.

[Christine]

While I don't truly feel "left behind" per se; my career, or lack thereof, feels left behind...

I agree with Val, I think I become jealous that he gets to actually go and do something he enjoys (somewhat), while I'm stuck behind in a job that isn't really going anywhere since I'm so open with employers that I have to move again in less than a year.

[wifeunit]

I don't feel left behind. At least not on this past deployment. We were able to communicate fairly well and I was able to keep him up to date with some slices of home. I would say I still felt very connected to 'us'. It will be interesting to see what the next deployment brings. Whether our next pcs brings a sea duty station or he volunteers for another IA to the sandbox or his command assigns him a different voluntold IA to the sandbox. I know how to process the deployment we just went through without feeling left behind, but I can't imagine a whole new set of variables will be able to be addressed in the exact same way.

[dutchgirl]

No, because my life continues on here and he does not have a job that I envy at all. We've always managed to stay fairly connected via email or IM. I think he felt more left out this past deployment because he missed so many of our daughter's milestones.

[Sis B]

No. I would feel left behind if he was going somewhere fun or doing something enjoyable. I do feel lonely, and tired, and annoyed, and generally overwhelmed at the responsibilities sometimes. But left behind? No.

To me, our paths diverge for awhile, but I'm not a sitting duck waiting for his return. I have to move forward in order to meet him on the other side.

[HomefrontSix]

Left behind? Not really. I can't say I'd ever want to be where he has to go.

Sad? Lonely? Definitely.

[Lee Anne]

Yes. Because it's an experience that comprises part of who he is, a part that I will never be able to fully understand. At the same time, he probably feels the same way about how I am and how I change while he is gone.

Good question.

[Kori]

No, I don't feel left behind anymore. Today, I understand the whys of his leaving. I know my way, know myself and no longer feel that I'm alone.

Hell Yeah...I felt left behind 12 years ago, when our journey began. I didn't understand the military lifestyle and didn't find my place in the society. I felt more that I needed him here with me to be included in the military life.

[Whitney]

No, I do not feel left behind. Sometimes, I feel as if I'm leaving him behind by changing my hair, the layout of the living room, etc when he's gone, though.

[Erin]

I don't feel left behind, per say, but my life is nearing the end of a chapter and I want to SPEED READ! I may feel left behind when he hits his next duty station, especially if he gets one I want to be at really badly. In the meantime, I don't feel left behind because we both have so much going on, yet we talk daily.

[wendy's tiki hut]

Sometimes, Yes.

The funny thing is, I think he feels left behind, too.

[Ann M.]

Sometimes I do, yes. It depends on where he ends up going because until he boards the boat, they're basically goofing around in a port for days. I think that I do occasionally get a little sensitive to the fact that I didn't get to deploy while I was in the Navy because I had gotten hurt. But I'd never hold that against him ;)

[Marine Wife]

No, I don't feel left behind. But I do get tired of being a single parent!

[Tressa]

Nope. Maybe I did early in our marriage. But now, I feel almost that he is left behind even though he is the one leaving. He misses so much that happens around us and we can never get that back. I am pretty sure that he would trade his port visits to be home with us. We do like the presents he brings home, though. LOL

[Crystal]

Since this is our first time, yes. I am fairly independant and if I knew for sure what was going on I think I would feel better. We just found out after my DH being away since Feb, that when he finishes AIT he is going to Korea and it appears that it will be an unaccompanied tour. Of course, until orders are in hand, we won't know for sure.

[Bette]

No, I don't feel left behind. I miss him, of course, but I had lots of practice being on my own before I met him, and I'm pretty good at it. It probably helps that he's an infantryman and never goes anywhere that I would consider fun. :-)

[TripleE]

No, I really wouldn't want to go where he's gone, but like Marine Wife said, I do get sick of being a single parent.
I think he feels a left out of so much that happened at home the last 15 months.

[Joanne S.]

Yes and no. I feel left behind for many of the same reasons others have listed, like not being able to experience new things and feeling like he is living another life without me. And then I don't feel left behind because he and I make every effort to involve each other in everything we can from the normal mundane things of what bills need to be paid to helping each other feel better after a good cry. I honestly feel like we are both "left behind" but, in different ways. For him, he is left behind in our family life...missing out on special days with the kids and watching them grow up and say and do some of the most memorable things. I may be missing out on being in a foreign country but, I do remember he's not on a vacation and he would much rather be here than there. When I tell him about something that one of the kids did that was so funny or cute and I see how much he wishes he was there for it, I realize that I am not missing as much as he is and I am thankful for my time with them. In the end we just want to be a family and we make sure we are one even when we're not together specifically so that NEITHER of us feels LEFT BEHIND!!!

[phyllis]

I feel the worst for the kids. I don't care about me I am an adult and I understand. I hate that my children miss their father and he has missed almost 3 years (2 tours) of their young lives. I feel bad that he doesn't get to see the xmas play or see our daughter crushing on a boy.(probably a good thing). I will survive the lonelyness. I will also go on vacation without him with just the kids so they don't miss the yearly vacation. I can't wait until he comes home. In less than six weeks he will be back and we will take a vacation together. So far we are thinking of the Grand Canyon.

[Erin N.]

Yes and No. Yes because he is going off to see a whole new place and getting to experience new things without me. And because I do feel like he has a whole separate life without me...like we're both missing a big chunk of each other's life and it's weird that that happens because we are married and supposed to be making a life together. But in a way I don't feel left behind because while he's gone i'm here doing my own thing and going on with my life with friends and work and all that. I agree with the person who said earlier that she thinks HE feels left behind. I think my husband thinks that sometimes too because when he comes back things are not like they were exactly when he left. The basics are still the same, we love each other, glad to see each other, etc., but things are different too.

[Andi]

I've never felt left behind in a, "Oh, he's gone and he left me here," but I have often used the term, "those left behind" to refer to the collective "hereos on the homefront."

[Pattie]

Not really. Sometimes it's frustrating when I have to do EVERYTHING myself, and inevitably something huge breaks, like the garage door. But life goes on. Like many others have said more eloquently, he has a job to do. He doesn't really get to go to "exotic" locales so it's not like I have to hear how great the night life in Paris is or something.

[Elisa]

I used to, but as I've grown through the deployment I realize that I really feel as though I've thrown him out into the world like a boomerang, and for the last 15 months I've waited and waited, looking up at the sky, wondering if it'll/he'll come back to me in one piece.

(And in a few - 6 - weeks, he will!!)

[tara]

I felt "left behind" when he first joined. We had just gotten married and even though he always talked about going back in, we hadn't really discussed it. So when he came home and told me he was going back in and would be leaving for boot camp soon, I was surprised and felt like I was "left". Now, it doesn't bother me. I have my career and the kids to keep me busy, so his being gone, isn't so bad. I think he feels worse about going then I do.

[HH7]

Left behind? No. Left out? Kind of.

[Mel]

yes and no
I didn't feel left behind when he went to JRTC or NTC because I knew he would be home soon.

I am beginning to feel a little left behind already with his trip to Iraq and he hasn't even left yet. I guess it is hard for me because as long as we have been together we have never been apart until this past year and it has been very hard for me. I am watching him retreat into himself and I feel like he is half gone even though he is standing in front of me. I guess maybe I feel left behind because I will miss the way he treats me.

[Butterfly Wife]

I've been thinking about this since I read it on Friday. "Left behind" doesn't seem to fit. Back in the early days of our relationship when he was doing drill and AT for the National Guard, I didn't feel left behind. With this whole 28-month thing we just finished, I didn't feel left behind. But as the end neared and he was on his way home, I knew that our old life was left behind, and the life I built for myself during our separation was going to be left behind. Yet, that is all necessary for us to move forward, so we can grow and learn from our experiences.

So, to answer the question, "no."

[angela]

I feel left behind by the military lifestyle. Past 3 years I have moved 4 times and it looks like we will move 2 more by the end of 2009. I stay home with kids so I don't have time to make friends and get a life going before we move again. He gets to leave the house and makes friends with everyone he meets and goes golfing, fishing and softball whenever. I guess it would help if we could just stay somewhere long enough for me to make a life for myself then I wouldn't feel left behind with this lifestyle.

[Fonda]

I do feel left behind...like his life is not here anymore, he has left me here...not because he wanted to but because it is his job. I miss him very much and I will be here supporting him and not telling him these feelings. I have to be strong and take charge.