A 22.5-hour day

Recently I had the chance to be involved with a small-talk, side conversation with some senior spouses (O & E) and something started percolating around in my head (not too unlike the old Maxwell House coffee commercial showing the fresh perked coffee splashing inside that tiny little glass handle).  A smidge of the conversation involved how busy everyone was and all of the things that went into making everyone's day soooo busy.  Kids--to and from school plus after-school activities; family things--shopping, washing clothes, dry cleaners, trying to make nutritious meals without making daily trips to the commissary; church groups and the various clubs and committees there-in; and, support to their DH, not necessarily of DH in his job, simply the support of their DH, because he was dad, father, husband, bread-winner.

I asked what I consider of importance and have commented on in this venue a few times.  It basically went like this, "Since everyone is so busy, how do you reach out to the younger spouses, not just new in your unit, but new to our world, and see to their needs?"  The spontaneous answer was quite interesting ...

"They don't." And when I followed-up with, "Just how do the younger spouses know what to do and the protocols and the expectations, so that their pockets will have the tools they'll need to use to grow up to become, ... you?"  And the answer by committee was, "Somebody else will have to figure that one out because we don't have enough time."  I was floored, because I knew that wasn't the way they were brought up in our Service.  Fortunately for the most part, the gals I was talking to and the community of spouses they represent is only a segment of our spouse population.  But it's there.

When we can't make the time to bring along those new to the military way of life, then like any of the myriad gripes we have about the "next generation" just not getting it ... in this instance we just have to lay the blame on the obviously shortened 22.5-hour days.

Honest, I swear we used to have a solid 24-hours in each day.  I guess the only way anyone ever managed to do all of the things these ladies addressed as taking all of their time, AND STILL managed to help others, simply must be credited to having this longer, 24-hour day.

My heart goes out to their folks getting lost in the shortened day.  It really is too bad there's a segment of our spouse population that seems to only have a 22.5-hour day to work with.  Fortunately, most of us still have the full 24-hours to work with -- let's use it well.  Over & Out, MaintenanceToadOne

Comments

[Writing Military Mom]

Amen to that! I am always amazed at this phenomenon. Someone (many "ones") have helped me here and there throughout my life, and I make it a point to try to give back to the world. I guess no one ever learned about karma, huh?

Excellent point.

[SeabeeSeniorWife]

My father has always called it the "Me, My and I" syndrome. Where people are only interested in what is going to benefit them and then complain if no one is there to help them obtain these objectives. Why is no one there to help? Because everyone else is waiting for "someone" to help them. Not realizing that if no one steps up and does it, no one else will either. I see it every day in all parts of society and sadly it seems to be getting worse. And we are passing it on to our kids. Shame on us. It's almost like people want to be able to complain about the younger generation not "getting it" or doing it the right way, but who has reached out to them and helped them to learn these life lessons. It's a very sad society where no one will reach out to help someone else just because it's the right thing to do, no strings attached, no tangible benefits to them. Although they should realize that the gift of sharing your experience and knowledge with someone is very rewarding and can lead to some of the best friendships of your life.

Saying all that, I want to thank the Authors here at Spousebuzz who have willing shared their experience and knowledge with us readers. It is more appreciated than you will probably ever know!

[mismysailor]

I wonder where I'd be if those old school wives hadn't taken time out out their 22.5 hour day to hold my hand and kick me in the butt when I needed it. I know the tradition continues because this wkd I listened while a new wife spilled her guts between anguished sobs about her husband being gone for a whole two weeks. I handed her tissue then gave her the kick in the butt she needed before I sent her on her way so I could pick my kids up from school, take them to a Dental appt followed by Soccer practice!

[MO]

I have helped three newbies since being where we're at and I'm very proud of that. I make time for coffee, lunch, chit chat,etc. There is always time. I have friends who think they should learn the hard way, I don't believe in that. My girls run me ragged but taking the time out for somebody else helps me slow down a bit.

[Erin]

Thank you Toad!

I've gotten lucky so far, but I've had to find my resources, rather than being sought out by someone else. The internet has been a HUGE help for this. I'm eternally grateful to all of the more experienced spouses here at SB for throwing me a bone, and those that I've met on other forums.

I met a (very) senior enlisted spouse of Korea by mere chance online and she turned out to be the nicest woman that I could ever imagine. She has reached out to me, cared about what I had to say, provided me with info about Korea, etc. I can only hope that the rest of the senior wives I meet during our career are as friendly and supportive as her.

[Jewel]

I'm shocked and sadened to hear the response from those senior spouses. Although there were those rare exceptions, for the most part the senior spouses I've known have been very generouse with both their time and knowledge. I watched and I learned from them so I would be at least somewhat ready when my husband took his first command. I am grateful to have been mentored by some pretty terrific senior spouses. And I hope I've been able to pass along a helping hand and a little knowledge to some of the younger spouses I've had the pleasure of meeting along the way.

[Christine]

I would consider myself one of the "young spouses" and I've been so surprised by the lack of support/advice/contact in general I've experienced with spouses in my husband's unit. I couldn't even get a hold of people to offer to help out with anything needed. I honestly don't know what I would have done if I didn't have my mom to turn to for advice and support (she's also a military spouse who also is the director for an organization that aids the military community). I truly hope my experience is just a fluke.

The lack of support and response I've received was on our list of reasons why my husband and I decided he wouldn't reenlist.

Why can't you all be stationed where I am?? :)

[Erin N.]

I'm sad that those senior spouses said that. Thankfully, that is not the experience I have had. My husband's CO's wife called within the first few days that I was here and invited me out to the batallion function, taking place two days later. She has made every effort reach out and make herself and the rest of the ladies in the unit available. Now I'm getting to help out with organizing a list to contact the ladies we know are coming in soon. So thankfully, not everyone is like that!

[KL]

I'm not sure where I fall in the spectrum of "senior" vs "young" spouse since my husband has been in the Navy for 13 long years. I'm not sure I could hold someone else's hand since nobody ever took the time to hold mine. I can kick someone else in the butt and get them moving, but only because I learned to double-joint my knee and give myself that kick in the rear.

This phenomenon isn't new. There've been so many orphaned spouses along the way that it's really a wonder we haven't given up on the idea of a community altogether.

(Oh, and be careful how you toss around the "bread winner" label. Before the constant PCSing shredded my resume, I was the bread winner. I'm sure there are plenty of spouses who work full time in addition to all the other requirements the military lifestyle places in their laps, and there's every possibility -though it's not as likely since this lifestyle often requires we take the non-career jobs- they make more than their service member spouses do.... Hmm. Am I feeling bitter today or what?)

[liberal army wife]

when we moved here.. our "sponsor" was about to retire and couldn't wait to get out of there, and his spouse was already gone. We had to make the efforts , over and over and over, to get in touch with ANYONE in the unit. No, not welcoming or sponsoring at all. Even though we've been in a long time, the lack of contact is just abysmal. Sure wish it was different, but now that I'm back at work, I do still attend FRG meetings (one of 5 who show up) but there aren't a lot of unit functions, I have the feeling everyone else has just given up.

sad, isn't it?

LAW

[Semper Fi Wife]

I was very lucky as a junior spouse to have several very strong women take me under their wing. I think it's an important tradition and I try to keep it going.

Sad about those spouses though, Toad.

[Jewel]

My DH is Air Force and I remember about 20 years ago an Air Force blue-ribbon panel being formed to look at the pressure put on spouses to support the Air Force Family. In question were two officers' spouses that were asked to quit their jobs in order to support base activities. The panel found that spouses have the right to pursue their careers without pressure from the Air Force to fulfill duties and roles that historically have belonged to spouses, especially of senior officers. Now, I would not deny any spouse his/her right to pursue their own career goals, especially is this day and age when most families need two salaries just to keep the household running. But, I wonder...could this have been the start of the trend we are now seeing within the spouse ranks?

[ArmyReserveWife]

I am not sure how to respond to this, I thank God I have had wonderful mentors who have shown me the ropes. I do have a busy life, home schooling our 4 children, FRG Leader for dh's unit, normal household duties. But I cannot stand and say I have no time to be a blessing to others, God has graced me with this wonderful life and I would be so very wrong to not reach out to be a blessing to the others. It is a sad state of our senior leadership when they don't have time, and I do believe it is a choice, you can make time for the things that are important. There are a few of us out there that are willing to go the extra mile, and for those who want to learn will find us. To all you senior spouses who only have time for yourself, shame on you.

[airforcewife]

I think this is an endemic problem, really. And although the senior spouses should know better, it is not only at the senior levels.

Think about it - how many new spouses have we heard say that they married the PERSON, not the military? And while that may be true, the full truth is that it is a three way deal.

So, when you factor in that attitude, which started during peacetime and has had a chance to mature before being confronted by war, it's no surprise that there are spouses out there who forget their *responsibilities*.

Because you don't have to ask for something to be your responsibility for it to be so.

[Doing it all over again...]

As a senior spouse (21 years USN) and former 2 time COW (lovely acronym for Commanding Officers Wife), I have been on both ends of the giving and receiving. I’m shocked by the lack of support some active duty young spouses are receiving. As a senior spouse it’s our responsibility to lend a hand or ear where we can. Come on ladies remember when we were in their shoes. I probably wouldn’t be a senior spouse if someone hadn’t helped me. Now if we were discussing the reserve component I could understand the lack of support because this is something I have experienced due to the fact my DH has never been stationed close to home (for example he is currently deployed with an active duty command out of Norfolk and home is Atlanta, Georgia). I have not been contacted by that wives group and don’t expect to be.

[Bette]

I wonder also if there's a growing minority of "nontraditional" senior spouses. Given my age (42) and the length of my soon-to-be husband's career, I probably look like a senior wife. But as much as I'd love to help or mentor, I'm afraid I'm less clued in than the average 20-year-old spouse of an E2.

[Jen]

I too am surprised by the comments of those spouses, but feel that I shouldn't be considering my personal experiences. We are at our first assignment and our first "real" unit. I have tried to connect and learn from the senior spouses and attend every event that I am able to. Yet, despite my best efforts I have not met one senior spouse even willing to truly speak to me beyond the cordial Hello. At every event the senior spouses sit in their own little corner and keep to themselves and do not allow others to envade their group. But if asked directly they would say they are available to help younger spouses but their actions show otherwise. It is a very sad sight to see, and frustrating to many of the new wives I have met and befriended along the way. In our unit all the new spouses come together to learn the system collectively since there is no one experienced to help us.

[KL]

I wonder... how is it the responsibility of a spouse to help another spouse? Sure, it's the right thing to do and a laudable effort, but is it really an obligation?

I don't think so. I'm not paid by the military, and plenty of service members have made it quite clear that we spouses are civilians with the "privilege" of being in the presence of the military. There is no incentive to make this obligatory, so it's not a responsibility. It's merely the right thing to do.

It's completely understandable why some spouses don't give their time to others. Our lives are already run ragged by this lifestyle. Who has the energy and time to commit to others when they can't even make it to an FRG meeting, have never met other spouses, are still three years down the waiting list for housing (where there *might* be a sense of community with other military families), and wouldn't know the military community if it paraded up their backsides?

It doesn't seem fair to pass judgment on a spouse who isn't available to be a mentor or hand-holder. Not everyone has the energy or the emotional fortitude to deal with other people's issues when their own lives require high maintenance. I didn't like being an orphan when I was a newbie wife, but I never expected anyone to come to my rescue. They were pregnant, dealing with major family issues, or trying to handle an upcoming PCS, and I was a grown woman with a car and a budget.

That said, if you do have the ability to go to a military function and give lip service to being of service, you should definitely pony up. But what about those of us who are in over our heads as it is? Just because someone's been surviving this life for so many years doesn't mean that person is any more capable of helping someone else through it.

[Christine]

I should clarify - I totally agree that just because you're a spouse does not mean you have to mentor other wives. As the breadwinner, my work takes a much higher priority than attending every KV or unit function (which are usually inconveniently scheduled during work hours). However, when I've called and left messages to offer to volunteer I don't get any calls back. It took me 3 months of leaving messages until I could even find out who my KV or Family Readiness Officer was.

I don't expect random spouses to come to my rescue; I do expect people who have volunteered or are employed to do such, to offer guidance, or at least return phone calls.

[Love My Tanker]

As a not too young - but new military spouse - I was very lucky to have a couple of senior spouses take me under their wings, guide me and simply be my friend. I love those ladies and they are still my friends, spouse heroes and mentors to this very day.

They were wonderful role models and helped my spouse learning curve. In turn, over the years, I have tried to do the same thing for younger and/or newer military spouses. I likely will never live up to the examples those ladies set for me - but I will continue to do the best I can by other spouses. Because it is the right thing to do. Because someone did it for me. Because I want to. Because I care about other people and want to help.

I am very busy and sometimes do not have time to do it all or attend everything, but the least I can do is reach out. Even when I am tired. It only takes a second to do and pays a lifetime of benefits.

I don't see it as my responsibility as a military spouse per say, I simply see it as the kind thing to do as a human being. I pay it forward as best I can. Not perfectly, but as best I can. It is the right thing to do.

[BBGirl]

I think one important factor plays into this new "Shorter 24 hour day" vs the way it was done in the past. Military spouses today are a whole new breed then what they were even 10 years ago. Many have careers, jobs and raise families and when the spouse is deployed they are playing the role of "single Parent" They get off of work and pic up the kids from daycare, fix dinner, go to bed and begin the cycle all over again not to mention sports, after school activities etc. There are not as many SAHM's in the military as there were before. To add to the new "Breed" is also the shift in roles as far as the military is concerned. You are seeing more and more male military spouses who are Stay at home dads or who also have careers of their own and households to manage alone. Society has changed as a whole and the military is not "Immune" to it's affects. Just a perspective to take into consideration. I am all for spouses helping other spouses though and would gladly do my part. That is why I am a writer, I blog and am involved in my local community both military and nonmilitary communities.

[AF Newlywed]

Hi Ladies,

I'm new to this site, just got married to an Air Force Officer in February. I can say I'm used to moving around since my father did 30 plus years in the Army. The one thing I'm struggling with is the lonlieness. I work a full time job, i've been doing it for 8 years, but now I work it from home and my new hubby works all kinds of odd hours. I'm in my early 30's we dont have kids yet, heck we just are now settling down in a house after getting married in February and dating long distance for 18 months. Any advice for a newbie here? :) I would be most appreciative.

Thanks!
J

[Melissa]

wow I am definately not a newbie and when I see a new military spouse I do take them under my wing and help them out as much as I can, I am however very skeptical of FRG and other things because I notice that sometimes they tend to only gossip or want to go out to bars I am not that way. I am just getting back into our FRG here and I am not dure how it will go here but I have spoken to a few new military wives and in general they are afraid and lonely, it is hard and if they feel shunned it can ruin a soldiers career. That is a hard thing for a family! Fr the newbie try the FRG, if it is all about gossip get out fast!