The War Before

One of the hardest things for me to hear from people when my husband is gone or deployed is, "I'm sorry." 

I understand that this is because many people don't know how to respond or what to say.  And I do appreciate very much that there is at least an effort to reach out to me, even if the people reaching do not know really what to say, how to act, or what to do.

To be quite honest, it takes a lot of gumption for them to ask, because when AFG is gone my emotion roller coaster gives no guarantees as to what my reaction will be.  I might smile and feel loved, I might get angry at feeling like someone was casting me in the victim role.  I might not even be listening!  I do try to keep my reaction, if negative, inside.  It's just not fair to snap people's heads off when they might very well be trying to help.

Things happen during deployment.  Military families understand that, because we've all been there. We even have our own Murphy's Law for Deployments.  We learn early to laugh, curse, or kick a pillow and move on.  We have to - it is the only way to live.  Civilians with little exposure to or experience with the military life don't always understand this situation.  When I need to explain to them why I don't consider myself a victim of anyone or anything while AFG is deployed - even when his mother is naked and biting people, even when family members die, even when my car explodes in the Wal Mart parking lot - when I need to explain this, I explain to them about The War Before.

Both of my parents were active duty Air Force - my father is seven years older than my mother, and so he was in Vietnam before she even graduated high school.  But they weren't married yet, so those stories don't register with me like the stories my grandparents told me about World War II while I was growing up.

My grandfather joined the Army as soon after Pearl Harbor as humanly possible.  I never heard my Grandmother mention anything about discussion - it was done because it needed to be done and as we all know - when we say "someone" should do something, that "someone" is usually you.  My Pop was not alone, either, as most of his friends and male family members were busy raising right hands and signing on dotted lines, too. 

Eventually, before shipping out to the South Pacific, my grandparents were stationed at Victorville. 

They did not have base housing, they did not have a housing allowance.  They did not have deployment pay or email or even regular telephone access. 

My grandparents rented a tiny little house that wasn't very well built just outside the base.  The floors were made of concrete - no linoleum, no carpet, no wood.  Just concrete.  And the concrete wasn't laid very well, either.  It made little hills and dips and valleys in many places.  My grandparents didn't think anything of it, though - my Pop's first house, the one his parents lived in when they first came to California before 1920, had dirt floors. 

The night before my Pop shipped out, my Grandmother made the biggest and best dinner she could think of.  She cooked and cooked and cooked all day, cleaning and scrubbing and making that little shack shine.  My Pop contributed to the dinner by splurging on a bottle of wine that cost an entire dollar.

As my Pop walked into their house, something happened.  He tripped or slipped or got butter fingers.  Something happened - and the bottle of wine fell  and shattered on the floor.   

My grandmother told me later that she was proud of what they did next - they got down on their hands and knees and drank that wine off her floor (my grandmother has always had a house that is so clean even Howard Hughes would have felt comfortable there). 

She was proud - proud that she didn't waste that wine.  Not angry at the bad construction of the house.  Not outwardly inconsolable that her husband would be leaving (for over two years, although she didn't know it at the time) the next morning.  Not raging at the heavens that she was hundreds of miles from her family and would have to move everything they owned back over the pre-highway road system after my grandfather left all by herself.

I don't think I've ever in my life exhibited that much strength.

When I get very frustrated with  how life is going, I sometimes ask my Grandma for stories about her life as a wartime wife.  "How, Grandma?"  I ask her.  "How did you go for months without hearing anything from Pop?  How did you keep from going crazy trying to run a ranch all by yourself?  How did you cope with raising my Uncle when his Dad was gone for so long?"

"What else could I do?" my grandma replies.  "It's not like I had a choice about whether to make dinner or not.  The roof wasn't going to fix itself.  And besides - everyone else was living the same way, too."

Those things happened so long ago, many people don't have even a black and white photo memory of what it was like.  I can't even imagine - my experience doesn't even come close.

When I want to fall down in an unending fog and just give up, throw up my hands to the heaven and scream over and over again, I think about my Grandma, the military wife.

I have a lot to live up to.

Comments

[SeabeeSeniorWife]

AFW - great post. I was just discussing this very subject with a friend of mine this past week. She writes for the local paper and was asking me what is different now compared to past military wives during wartime. I think I will call her today and refer her to your post. You're much better with words than I am.

Although, I think there are some differences between then and now. Not that the wives of WWII had it easy by any means, but they did have a nation that truly supported them. As you stated, your grandmother was just doing what many others were doing. Almost everyone had someone in their family serving in the war. The American people of that time all made sacrifices together in support of the war effort. While I have been very fortunate to have been supported by friends and our community during our deployment, I know that many don't have that support.

I also tell those that say "I'm Sorry" to not feel bad for us. We chose this life of military service. Even though we are only a reservist family, it has always been a big part of our lives. While we have always prayed for peacetime and no deployments, we have always considered it an honor to be able to serve this country if needed. I was definitely never as strong as your Grandma while my hubby was deployed, but I never felt I was a victim. In truth, I felt very proud that he was doing his part to protect and serve his country.

[Kasey]

This was beautifully written and made me tear up a bit.

[She of the Sea]

AFW - I love it! I feel exactly the same way about my grandmother. I can't even imagine their lives. What a beautiful story. Thank you so much for sharing it with us.

[Elisa]

What a beautiful post.

My best friend's mom went for about a year during Vietnam without hearing one word from her husband. I think of her every time I wonder how much farther I can go. (My husband is deployed for the first time and I'm 1000 miles from home).

But like you said, we laugh, curse, kick a pillow and move on. And just like your gram said, there's really no other choice. We chose to marry into military, and this is our situation so we just get up and go.
And the love we military families get to experience in our marriages (most military marriages) is worth all the tug and pull wars/moves put on us.

[David M]

The Thunder Run has linked to this post in the - Web Reconnaissance for 03/19/2008 A short recon of what’s out there that might draw your attention, updated throughout the day...so check back often.

http://thunderrun.blogspot.com/2008/03/web-reconnaissance-for-03192008.html

[Laura, a Military Mom]

Beautiful, just beautiful. Makes me want to go home and reread the letters from my Dad to my Grandparents during his WWII experience.

[Ramie]

What an awesome post. Thank you for the reminders that life really isn't that bad. Hubby left on Monday for another deployment (4 months they say, not holding my breath).....and while everything is good so far, its early in the ballgame. I'm going to bookmark this post to refer to on hard days (yes, I have a list....).

Thanks!
Ramie

[J]

SeabeeSeniorWife, you are not "only" reservist. You are Navy.

We are NG, and have been through a deployment.

Active, NG, or Reserve, we are all the same. Deployment is only a matter of time for everyone.

Thank you for your service, ma'am, and please thank your husband for me. Hooah.

[Semper Fi Wife]

Sly and I were discussing this last night. It's not a matter of having a "can do" attitude..it's a matter of having a "gonna do" attitude.

Marvelous post, AFW.

[Tressa]

Beautiful post.

[Penny]

This is an absolutely beautiful post. I got the "I'm sorry" a lot too but after a while it made me uncomfortable for people to be telling me that. The story about your Grandmother is very inspiring and I'm also going to bookmark to keep reading back on it :) Thank you for sharing :)

[shantel harris]

i was wondering if you could help. my husband is stationed in germany and i have orders to join him april 13. however the army is telling him that they wont ship anything of mine. have you ever heard of that and is there anything i can do? please email me back at lofallinve6705@yahoo.com

[Krystal]

Wow, I didn't know anyone could put it so clearly in so few sentences how some of us feel. My husband is leaving for his second deployment and everyone tells me they are sorry he is leaving, but I chose to be here, I knew what it takes, I'm willing to be the one who stays at home proudly and 100% supporting those guys.

None of my family except for my grandparents served in the military so my parents and friends always ask "How do you do it?" And just like you said your grandmother said I just do it, I live my life like everyone else because for me deployments are normal life too and moping doesn't do anything for me, it doesn't bring him home, it doesn't fix the sink, etc.

Thanks for the beautiful post.

[Krystal]

Wow, I didn't know anyone could put it so clearly in so few sentences how some of us feel. My husband is leaving for his second deployment and everyone tells me they are sorry he is leaving, but I chose to be here, I knew what it takes, I'm willing to be the one who stays at home proudly and 100% supporting those guys.

None of my family except for my grandparents served in the military so my parents and friends always ask "How do you do it?" And just like you said your grandmother said I just do it, I live my life like everyone else because for me deployments are normal life too and moping doesn't do anything for me, it doesn't bring him home, it doesn't fix the sink, etc.

Thanks for the beautiful post.

[Frances Harper]

I just became a widow of a navy veteran of ten years. He died of heart problems when he contracted Scarlet Fever and was sent South "for his health". He was on board the ship that picked up the first astraunaut. We received a small stipend for his disability since the disease was not documented properly while he was on duty. We became disabled four years into our marriage and at that time he was a retired veteran.

[Guard Wife]

Super post, AFW. My grandparents were the exact same way. My grandfather was in the Navy & my grandma was left home alone with three little kids--my dad was a newborn. Hard to imagine the differences and yet, some things do stay the same.

[Chrissy]

This post summed up what so many of us are feeling. My husband is returning from his second deployment in three days. During both deployments, I was not in a military community and most people did not understand the pride and honor we feel while our husbands are deployed. What many don't understand is that we do not have the luxury of being upset and we know that for the safety of our husbands and the men they fight with, we need to be strong. That's our duty and we do it with honor and dignity. Thank you to all you wives who support our military, past and present.