The Post I Ignored for Sixteen Months

This is one of those posts that I've put off writing for many, many months. It's a post which will garner a lot of discussion through comments and email, or very little. It's also one of those posts which may cause me to get into trouble with my husband. But hey, I'll take one for the team here.

It's a post about....

....SEX.

Well, sex and romance and intimacy, that is.

Nine days after SpouseBUZZ made its debut, I received this email:

I just wanted to say thank you for this blog site. This is the first time I’ve been able to talk to other women who understand what I’m feeling. I did have an idea for a topic however. I’ve been through a few deployments and I know the getting used to each other again is difficult, but sometimes the getting back to being intimate is a little rougher than someone would think. I’ve done some different romantic things for my husband and myself, but I would like to hear other wives comments about how they helped to make the transition easier. I’m not trying to make this a dirty or provocative thing but sometimes it’s nice to hear some new ideas for things I could do. For example when my husband got back from his first deployment I had rented the honeymoon sweet we had on our wedding night. It gave us a sense of familiarity and it put that whole romantic spin back on things. I would be thrilled to see an article and some other women’s comments on this subject matter.

And this happened a few weeks ago:

I know getting to know each other again (if you know what i mean) isn't the easiest thing in the world, especially when you have four children at home who haven't seen their daddy in six months either.

Throughout the months, we've continued to get email and questions along these lines, and clearly this is a topic of importance for milspouses. The SpouseBUZZ authors have had behind-the-scenes conversations about the value of this topic, and how to best approach it. We agreed it was a relevant topic considering, well, the obvious, but for the most part, we've stayed away from it. Sex and intimacy are deeply personal issues, and ones that each of us deal with differently. Our comfort zones are different, too. Given that, how do you tackle these subjects in a tasteful manner? Furthermore, there's always the possibility that the topic could get sidetracked and veer way off into some unintended territory.

There are many spouses, like the ladies above, who are seeking ideas and input from other wives who share this unique perspective. It's probably a safe bet to say that they also want to know they're not the only ones grappling with these issues. And they're not. How do you keep the flames burning? How do you make that sometimes-awkward period that happens during R&R and post-deployment a bit less awkward? How do you carve out couples time when there are children who want to cling to daddy when he returns? For purposes of this post, let's just stick to those topics and discuss how military life has an obvious impact on our intimate, physical relationships by virtue of frequent separations and homecomings.

I read this post yesterday, which reminded me of this post:

I miss my husband in more ways than one. And I am completely willing to admit that I am hitting my sexual prime just as he is gone for extended periods of time. And that is bad.

But I figure I know what it must be like to be inside the mind of an 18-year-old boy. My goodness, how do they ever getting anything accomplished? I haven't a clue.

Guard Wife had one of the funniest lines I've ever heard at the SpouseBUZZ LIVE event at Ft. Bragg. She talked about that awkward period when her husband redeployed and how she and her husband hemmed and hawed and talked about everything under the sun except what was really on both of their minds. Finally, she looked at her husband and said, "Let's just do it and then we can talk." Her line brought the house down. Everyone in the room fully understood what she meant, because so many of us have been there and, pun intended, "done that."

So, on the negative side, one word - deprivation. I think this t-shirt says it best:

On the positive side, we get second and third and fourth and fifth honeymoons. By my count, given TDYs and deployments, I've had six honeymoons. One milspouse author (trying to recall who it was) referred to post-deployment sex as "second honeymoon sex."

How do you keep intimate relationships alive across thousands of miles, long absences and war zones? Have you experienced that awkward phase mentioned above, or do you find it easy to fall back into a comfortable physical relationship with your spouse? I suspect the answers are as different and unique as each of us. But I also suspect that many of you, if past email and conversations are any indication, are very interested in this topic. Snarky (Sly - that means you) and serious comments are welcome. Considering the nature of the post, feel free to leave anonymous comments. Just please keep them on message....

So there you have it, the elephant in the room has finally been acknowledged. I suppose I'm punting here. I'm not offering anything, just laying out the topic for discussion.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go downstairs and explain to my better half how our readers have been clamoring for a post about this topic for months and how I really have to respect these requests and how I managed to write about sex without really writing about sex. Well, not in a brazen fashion, at least. I think he'll be proud of me. For being a wimp, that is....

Comments

[Anonymous Please]

[Deep breath] - okay, here goes ... Hubby is a submarine sailor and is gone for months at a time. When he first comes home and we get together (ahem), there are some things he does that are different. I waited a couple of years to get up the courage to ask, but finally did ask where he got the idea to try this or that. And he would say something like, that he'd been thinking about it while he was gone, or that there were magazines in the bathroom of the boat. Then I would get the chance to say whether or not I liked it ... and we'd become comfortable with eachother again after talking a little. If I ever think of doing anything new or different, I suggest it or simply try it out after a deployment, when Hubby is willing to try anything once. :)

[Anon. Army wife]

We had no trouble getting back into the swing of things (ha!) and one reason we think that is, is because we talked about it when we he was gone. In our hundreds of e-mails we still talked about normal, husband/wife issues, including marital intimacy. We each read the same book about making sex better in a marriage, and talked over e-mail what we liked and didn't like, what we wished could be better or different, etc. Not the ideal way to talk about such an important topic, but it kept the lines of communication open, which helped when he got home because we both knew when and how and where, etc...

[Anon II]

My husband and I also read the same book while he was deployed. We both read, "A Purpose Driven Life" You might be surprised how a book like that is able to keep both of you focused on what's important and can impact every single facet of you life. It's nice to have discussions on what you've just read.

I like the idea of doing something together, though you are seperated. It makes us feel connected.

[She of the Sea]

Thanks for being brave, Andi. I'm looking forward to this discussion.

[airforcewife]

Yeah, "tasteful" would not describe anything I write about this!

The most important thing for reunion sex in the AF house was communication during deployment. Google chat was a good friend of ours, and before we had that constant emails and letters filled the void.

And it was a void. I mean, it was a void growing cobwebs and snapping people's heads off out of sheer frustration.

I like that t-shirt, I really do. I actually had a harder time relating to my civilian friends who were "too tired" or "not in the mood" than I did relating to my husband when he came home!

Tired? Not in the mood? Honey, let me tell you - when it isn't possible to get some, suddenly it's all you can think about.

Come to think of it, I'm kind of surprised we made it to the hotel room first...

[airforcewife]

Oh, I should probably also add that we've always found that it was absolutely of utmost importance that when AFG came home, I met him alone and we spent the night re-acquaiting before everyone else got to share.

With that out of the way, everything went a lot more smoothly for us. And when it comes down to it - he'll be living with me and waking up next to me for the rest of his life, it's best we get that smoothed over as soon as possible.

It's not everyone's ideal, but it is an absolute necessity for us.

[Another Army wife]

I was surprised when my husband came home at Ft. Hood and right there in the parking lot, he grabbed me and gave me a hugely passionate kiss. Surprised in a good way even though neiter one of us are big on PDA. But there were a lot of foggy windows in the parking lot, so guess it was going around. LOL.

And like Airforcewife said, some wives choose not to bring thekids to the homecoming ceremony and the hotel rooms in the area get really booked up. LOL.

[Tiffany]

That's awesome! I just bought the shirt. DH will get a kick out of it when he gets back from deployment.

[LoveAnArmyMan]

I recently found a web site that helped keep things "spiced up" while he's in Iraq. www.hoochymail.com For those who are unsure how to come up with "thought, etc," this provides great story lines and they can be as sexy or steamy as you can handle.

[Sly2017]

"Furthermore, there's always the possibility that the topic could get sidetracked and veer way off into some unintended territory...Snarky (Sly - that means you)and serious comments...."

Ya know, when I read that first part, I got the feeling that you had me in mind, which, of course, was confirmed by the second. I'm touched.....really I am. In more ways than one!
heh
Anon.Please, it's only kinky the first time....
0>;~}
Ruh roh!
And, afw, I agree with meeting them at the airport alone. Because it's just plain hard (I'll leave that pun dangling) to explain exactly why Mommy is wearing an oilskin drover's coat when it's sunny and 80 outside.

Ok, I'll go stand in my corner now....

[plibarmywife]

now this topic... near and dear to all our hearts. but seriously - communications helped! discussions about what we were both hoping for when he got home. Of course, we don't have kids at home, so THAT problem was taken care of.

LAW

[anonymous]

We do lots of sexy e-mails and the occasional naughty picture. So when he gets back, he's been thinking about it for a long while. (me, too). First time is always quick, but then we take our time.
I love when he comes home from a long time away.
Family KNOWS that they can visit AFTER A FEW days....

:)

[Guard Wife]

No need for me to be anonymous...I secured my first passport, took immunizations, and went overseas for the first time for a 2.75 day booty call, my friends. :)

You KNOW you must need some when your mom is offering to sew a name tape on a military-esque "uniform" you purchased from a catalog designed for dancers of the exotic variety (not sure HOW I ended up on that mailing list!).

It does make for an interesting topic!!

[Jan Wesner]

No need for anonymous for me, either. I write a blog for the newspaper where I work in Florida ... at one point while Mark was gone I wrote about how I was suddenly thinking about sex all the time ... how I suddenly thought the guy at the bagel shop was hot .. etc. .. I ended it with this line:
"It has been 202 days, people. I think you know what I'm saying here. I need a cold shower. Or something."

That post, with my full name and picture right beside it, has been in the paper at least twice. Most recently on Easter Sunday. Our Sunday circulation is more than 400,000!!!!!!!

Anyway ... this is something we are still struggling with. The honeymoon phase has passed for us, when it was all new and exciting and now it's just kind of, well, boring again ...

[Looking for Answers]

Okay, here goes my question. Hubby has been home two months and the first couple weeks were that second honeymoon thing but even then I felt a lack of intimacy with him. Sure, the sex was great and way over due but it's been like he's holding back his emotional side. I know over there they shut down their emotions and stuff but I don't know if it's just him or if others have noticed their hubby being sort of emotionally disconnected?? Maybe he just needs more time? The physical side is still good but I just know he's not "there" like he was before. After 15 years of marriage, I know him and I know when something just isn't right. I only really know one other military wife and she said she thinks she remembers her husband being that way at first but doesn't really remember. So some input from others would be nice to hear. Just hoping this is one of those things and this too shall pass?!!

[Perfectly Normal]

Looking for Answers - I think a lot of wives have experienced what you're experiencing. Different for everyone, but sometimes they need time to decompress and get used to being back in a home environment. I think when their optempo is so high in the sandbox and they come home to a different environment, although they are happy to be home, it is a big adjustment for many of them.

You're probably right, he may just need a little more time, but from the other wives I've talked to, I think this is completly normal. As hard as it is, I wouldn't take it personally.

[wendy]

I keep typing and deleting here...

first - Jan - I've got to read that article - I can totally relate! Do you have a link?

second - that t-shirt is awesome. I wonder if my mom will mind if I wear it as pj's when I come visit this summer?

third - we're not quite halfway through my dh's deployment and we've already been discussing the airport pick up - bring the kids complete with red white and blue matching t-shirts and flags? or go alone and avoid the squadron welcome party, timing it just right to pick him up at the arrivals curb at the airport and run away?

fourth - Looking for Answers - I just read a fascinating book about the guys returning from Iraq and the many ways it affects their daily lives. Down Range: To Iraq and Back by Cantrell and Dean. I am interested in reading some more of the books they suggested for families of veterans. Our library had that book and many others - there's a lot of info out that might be helpful for you (and me, too)

[Shanna]

I think it's easier if the expectations of intimacy are gone. The first few times, just fulfill the physical need then worry about the emotional side for later "rounds." A lot of times when returning, they're not ready for the emotional side of home life, so if they know it's not expected immediately, then reintegration in the bedroom is easier. The kids tend to zap the emotions pretty quickly, so I joke with my hubby for the first week or so that I'm just using him for his body. The closeness always manages to come back within a few weeks.

[Butterfly Wife]

Communication does seem to be key for me and Jack Bauer. After I wrote that "I figure I know what it must be like to be inside the mind of an 18-year-old boy," I still had several months left until leave. I let my active imagination go wild and wrote lots of naughty IMs to Jack. My husband and I have done a lot to improve our communication and connectedness on many levels while he is gone so the intimacy when he was home was wonderful. (Oh boy. Am I blushing here?)

But if there was one thing that helped me the most in dealing with the craziness I was feeling, it was certainly blogging about it and learning that I wasn't alone.

And I am sure AWTM and Sarah can attest to how seriously the deprivation affected my mind. At the Blog World Expo, the three of us were walking along and I was checking out everyone. There was a guy across the room who caught my eye, "Hey isn't he a dead ringer for Jude Law?" AWTM and Sarah stopped walking, stared at me in disbelief gave a resounding "No!" But they were sympathetic and understood why I thought that. I needed Jack Bauer to come home. Soon.

I definitely need one of those t-shirts. For those who like to play milspouse poker, how do you like this hand: in the 27 months separated, 2 back-to-back deployments, first stretch was approx. 161 days, then 252 days, and today is 112 days with approx. 50 to go. Now that's serious deprivation for a woman in her mid-30s.

[Deltasierra]

I found that innuendo-laced and completely-up-front-bare-faced-honest handwritten letters to each other set the fire for us, as well as the occasional suggestive IM and naughty picture. ;)

I totally LOVE that shirt, and was trying to decide while he was deployed whether I should buy it, but I couldn't think of a place I could wear it, other than to bed. I might still get one, though, before he deploys again (if he deploys again). It's just too funny!

[Sly2017]

Can I get one with the *i* changed to an *a*?
Jus' axin'...
0>;~}

[Jan Wesner]

Wendy - here's the link to that particular post, and a second link to a long compilation of my blog that appeared in my paper, along with a huge picture of me. Yikes!

blogs.tampabay.com/standingby/2007/09/warning-adult-c.html

tampabay.com/features/humaninterest/article427247.ece

And as for the pick-up with or without kids, my husband would have been really upset had I shown up at the airport without them. But, later, when we were home, I sent them outside to play and asked a neighbor to watch them. I mean, we only needed five minutes!

[armywife]

me and my husband have been going threw a divorce for 5 years now and he has and out side child so when he ges from iraq he tells me he will be knoken on my door. when he came from korea, i fell for him but he fells that he has to be with this other women so i really dont no what to do because like i said when he made it home from korea it was great

[tankerswife]

Oh my. What a pandora's box.

We've never really had a problem in that dept. Actually, as odd as it may sound...these deployments have helped. It seems that in every other area of my life I've always been rather straight-forward and up=front. Except the bedroom (or any room where THAT happens). And although that didn't seem to hinder anything, being separated has made me do some extra work, so to speak. It was SO much easier to let the naughty, flirty, whatever out through email and letters than it was in person. Eventually, that comfort spread to real-time, face to face. (Ahem) And I'm pretty sure that Hubs isn't complaining about that.

As for the picking up aspect...this time is the first time we've ever gotten a hotel room (out of 4 deployments and all the R&R trips in between). Hubs has always bowed to my worry about our kids feeling deprived of his home-coming. This time though, they're old enough, I hope, to understand that sometimes Mommy and Daddy need time together.

The only "problem", such as it is, that we've ever had concerns the plans we made... what we were going to be doing that first time or two. And it NEVER turned out that way. I think this time, we've finally decided to let the fates handle it and go with the flow. ahem.

So, since we're doing the hotel thing, I'm thinking, some sort of alcohol (we're not really drinkers per se, but sometimes it's just called for), some fruit and cheese to snack on (gotta keep the energy up), and candles (have to smuggle those in).

So I have a question then...what do you do for yourself in preparation for the return? I'm going to have almost everything done. Mani & pedi, hair styled, and a new dress. I'm even going to try one of those body wraps that are supposed to help you lose inches, at least for a couple of weeks. This is the first time I'll be putting quite this much effort into it.

What do all of you do? Or not do, as it were?

[Erin]

Andi, I'm so proud of you for starting this! *hugs*

We're sexual beings as women, as humans, there's no need to beat around the bush (LOL).

Webcams really help with maintaining intimacy, as do those emails. Funny that someone mentioned Hoochymail.com - even if you don't take them too seriously, they're really funny to read! Both of us are self-sufficient adults, if you know what I mean. We're open about our sexuality with each other and as time got closer to my visit, I called him when I was making "special purchases" for the trip.

My trip to Korea resulted in more intimacy than it did sex, although that was a component. I went with the flow, as others mentioned, and we spent a lot of time cuddling and just laying together in bed, watching tv, etc. We didn't have any lofty expectations and we just enjoyed each other's company. We haven't been through a deployment together yet, so I don't know how it would differ then.

[Sarah]

I think Erin makes a good point about intimacy vs sex. Even though the pressure builds until you think you can't stand it anymore, the minute my husband was home, just touching him, holding hands, sitting together fulfilled a lot of my needs. And my husband felt the same way; he said that sometimes in Iraq he would fantasize about just lying in bed together, holding me. It's the intimacy that really counts, I think.

[cdgin]

When DH came home from Iraq I met him at the airport alone. We did the hotel thing-had our own time togeather and then surprised the kids at school the next day. I think that worked out nice. Everyone got to have their special time w/ Daddy.

[mismysailor]

We wrote open ended letters while he was gone. I would start a story then he would finish it and vice versa. It helped cause like others said emails turned into things about the kids, house and work but when mail call came and he saw the red envelope he knew what it was.

[Jess]

Thank you so much. Eventhough this is my husband's sixth deployment, I always get really nervous right before he gets home. We've always had a great relationship, in that way, but it's not something we ever really talk about. I used to be more vocal about everything but since he never really liked to talk about it, I've become more closed off. Therefore, while he is gone, we never really mention s-e-x.

I am at day number 92 of his latest deployment and he is coming home in 9 days.

It's hard for me not to mention it in my emails or phone conversations when, right now, it's all I can think about. I never thought to do the hotel thing but with two small kids at home, it's a really great idea. I just don't know how he will react. Should I?

[Sly2017]

Jess,
Oh most definately! And don't forget the champagne, it's a day to celebrate.

[Jess]

Thank you Sly. I just might have to. Oooh, champagne, definitely.

[Marine Wife]

Just saw this large wooden sign at our Spring craft fair: "Do Not Disturb...My Marine is home"

When the yellow ribbons are out around here (we don't put them out until reunion is imminent), neighbors know not to come knocking...

[armywife]

My husband is currently on his 3rd deployment. But this one is 15 months compared to the other two being 4 & 9 months. So even though we've never had any problem in the slightest reconnecting physically or emotionally, I am a little nervous about this time. It has been SO long! But at the same time, I have never experienced the level of desire I have recently. I can count the days on one hand until he gets back and I'm so anxious about it!

[mrs 13Delta]

My husband has been gone for 5 months and we have another 10 to go. We have been married a little over a year and are a young couple. We talk freely about sex, and the things we fantasize about. We have had our share of problems prior to deployment. During his basic I hated that he was so distant and couldn't understand all that macho military stuff. Now, I just pray that he is ok.

I wonder if maybe we focus all on our physical relationship in fear of our emotional one. My husband is a very out going and loving guy he is the morale booster, but its hard for him to talk to me about anything serious. I am worried we will spend R&R never having a good conversation.
I mean don't get me wrong, I plan on taking full advantage of our beach house (which will be vacant). But I want to make sure he is ok and that our relationship is ok as well.

Is there anyway that you ladies know of to let him know I want more than sex from him? Or do I have to tough it out until he comes home for good?

PS that shirt is amazing, its exactly how i feel some days!!!

[Grace]

I know this response is really late, and that I'm also a relative mil-spouse newbie (1.5 years), but I would like to add my experience.

Me and my husband have always been great at letting each other know that we are still desired and loved even when we are thousands of miles apart, so that hasn't been an issue. The issue has been at the "reunions".

I remember how awkward and almost business-like the first encounters I had with my husband were (to me, not so much him) after basic training and tech school. So, decided that I would learn from these experiences.

When I made plans to visit him in Italy where he is stationed, I told him that he should give me a few days to warm back up to him this time, and don't expect anything please. Turns out this was a huge mistake. While I was warming back up to him, he had turned himself off to me. He felt that I was off-limits, and it ended up being a huge blow to our love lives.

This last time when I went to visit him over the summer, I decided to just go with the flow. I told him I may want to, and I may not, and I won't know until I get there, and that took a lot of pressure off of both of us.

In this area, at least for me, it was/is a live and learn, trial and error proccess. I hope our next reunion goes well. It will be our longest time apart yet, about 10 months.