R&R - A Double Edged Sword

In the comments of Sarah's latest post, "SweetestSass" asks a tough question...is it normal to have mixed feelings about and during R&R?

Completely normal if you ask me.   

When MacGyver deployed, I longed for R&R and yet I dreaded it at the same time. A big part of me worried that, if he came home, it would be distracting for him and his mind would not be centered where it should be - staying safe. Another part of me remembered how crappy the first goodbye was and really did not want to go anywhere near repeating that lousy experience, thankyouverymuch.

When it came time for MacGyver to actually come home for his turn at R&R, I was Sybil's twin sister. I didn't know whether I should scratch my watch or wind my butt. I was so incredibly happy to see him, touch him, and hold him. I about came out of my skin. But there were moments - more than I care to admit - where I caught myself watching the clock and calendar and almost looking forward to the day he would go back. I knew the next goodbye was coming and it was going to suck. Better to get it over with and start in on the second half of the deployment. No sense in dragging it out.

I worried. I worried that he would be distracted when he got back to Iraq. I worried that his mind would be on us and not on his mission. I worried that the second goodbye would be harder than the first and that the kids and I would not be able to pick ourselves up off the floor and go on. I worried that I wouldn't be as strong the second time around.

It took considerable effort on my part to smother that part of my brain. I'm not sure that it has recovered (which is what I blame my absentmindedness upon these days!). But I do believe that every emotion I felt leading up to, during, and after R&R was "normal".

However, like my husband always says, "normal is not only merely a setting on the washing machine, it's BORING."  He is so right.

Comments

[Bev]

Not only is it totally normal to have these feelings, I would worry if we didn't. There are expectations to R&R that you can rarely live up to in the short 15 days they are home. My DH came home for R&R and stated afterward that he felt like a visitor in his own home. Roles had changed, furniture moved, schedules were different. His suitcase sat in the entry for a few days until he put it in the closet so that he didn't think about going back every time he looked at it. BoyBoy wondered why his daddy still disciplined him - he thought R&R was all fun and games. The adjustment period was accelerated due to the short time frame and then you blink and it is over and you are faced with part two. We had the added issue of him going back to be told that he would be staying 15 months instead of 12 which made R&R all the sweeter. Bottom line is...try not to stress (HAHAHA) because it will make it harder to enjoy the time. Then, do just that - enjoy it. And then start planning for redeployment!

[Elisa]

Of course these feelings are "normal"; all feelings associated with deployment/R&R are normal since we ride a roller coaster from the first day we're military until the day our spouse's committment to the armed forces is done with.
Our R&R goodbye was worse than the first. You hope all over again it's not the last time you'll see, hold, kiss your love goodbye. You have that image of him walking onto the plane and it stays in your head so long, pushing our day-to-day thoughts out of the way so we can hold on to that image, that feeling of having him there with us.
But the great news is that R&R always means we're closer to deployment being over! We can focus on the events that mark and count the weeks/months until he's home again. We know that this goodbye, no matter how hard, is the last before a great big HELLO AGAIN! :)

[plibarmywife]

when we said goodbye the first time, we didn't know how lousy it was going to be! when we know we have to go from the lovely holiday of R&R to the lousy aloneness... it's worse. At one point during R&R I thought it was actually easier to have him gone. that waiting... waiting.. just sucked so bad, and I knew how bad I was going to feel when he was gone again. If I had known that three weeks after he left we were going to stunned with the extension news.. it would have been even worse.

LAW

[Sly2017]

Define *normal*. Now throw that out. Define *normal* in milspouse terms. Throw that out, too.
*Normal* is for crazy people.
Jus' my two cents.
Keep the change.
0>;~}

[sweetestsass]

Thanks so much everyone! Its good to know that the way I'm feeling is par for the course. I did talk with him about this, and it did feel good to just get it "out there". The early part of the R&R was jam-packed with travel, visiting family and friends 5 states away, fixing the washer,trying to get pregnant-lol, etc. and now all thats left is the countdown to his leaving. ouch. BUT, thanks for the encouragement and support, I've never been normal in my life, why start now? And we are past the halfway point, thank goodness for that as well....sure, this goodbye will be harder, but we've made it this far, whats a few more months?

[Penny]

I had those mixed feelings too. I was waddling around 9 months pregnant when he arrived. There were definitely those days where I stared at the clock and silently counted down to when he would leave. It was hard when he had to leave but he just kept telling to think of it as 'one day closer until I'm home' .. then they extended the deployments to 15 months.. oy vey..
I actually had a hard time once Homer came back, the first two weeks, only b'c I had it in my brain that he'd be having to leave again but all turned out well :)

[phyllis]

The first deployment I didn't even want him coming home. The kids and I were just in a routine and I figured it would mess the kids up. We decided the last minute for him to come home for RR. I had 3 days to plan a trip to DisneyLand. That was the best, we got out of the house and he didn't interupt our routine. It still sucked to see him off. That was better than this RR were we didn't go anywere.