The Mental Off-and-On

When a deployment is announced, we spouses put ourselves in a certain mindframe.  I am sure there are many ways of dealing with the news, but my personal way is to start to focus on the things I will do while he's gone.  I mentally plan a trip home to see my parents.  I plan to ask for more hours at my job.  I invite other friends to come visit me, since I will be all alone in the house.  I start to begin conversations with my husband with, "When you're gone,..."  In every way, I get myself ready for the big life changes.

And when the deployment gets called off, it throws me for a loop.

Twice in the past year and a half, my husband has been told he's deploying in two months and then been brought back from the brink at the last minute.  And while I'm certainly grateful that he's been home safe with me all this time, it's still unnerving to get yourself mentally prepared for a deployment that ends up not happening.

Even though it's good news, I sometimes have a hard time letting go of the mental plans I've made.  I've come up with all these fun activities to keep my mind busy, and I still want to do the fun activities.  Even harder is the process of un-steeling myself emotionally.  I get a month fixed in my head -- he's leaving in August -- and that's what I set my heart and mind on.  August, August, August...and as it gets closer, I get more prepared for him to leave.

And as happy as you are to hear your spouse won't be leaving in August, it's hard to undo the mental changes you've gone through.

And then it starts all over again when it changes from August to October.

It's hard, this mental off-and-on.

Comments

[Ramie]

I SOOOOO agree. It happens to us ALL the time....there's never been (in 12 years in the Navy) a deployment that has actually happened when they said it would. Granted, DH's field is pretty specialized and things change all the time for everyone in his field, but yeah, it gets old. He's been on the "hook" to leave in April for 4 months almost, and last week they change it to March 15th........and I'm guessing it'll change at least twice more before then!

[Jan Wesner]

Unfortunately, we're all way too familiar with this one. In my own case, Mark had at least two deployments to Iraq cancelled. And then the last time we found out he was going he was supposed to leave in six months, then it was nine, and eventually it was a whole year after we found out.
And in many cases we have a PCS move or a baby coming or a school graduation or some other life changing event during all this, too.
This is why we are a special breed. We are women hear us roar!

[Semper Fi Wife]

Sarah..now he has time to go buy you a new small bar pan..:)

[She of the Sea]

And people think I'm mean when I say, "Just go already!" I'm ready, often I've said goodbye, and you are still here.

One time, I actually told He of the Sea that he should NOT come home if the plane didn't take off. Fortunately, it did. Not my finest hour, I admit...

[SeabeeSeniorWife]

It is so good to hear other women feeling the same way I've felt many times. Being reserve and around mostly non-military people, I swear they think I make this stuff up when they ask when he is leaving, when he's coming home, etc. He has been on the "list" to go for the past four years on and off and then when he actually recieved word last year that it was definite, the leave and return time changed for months. I even had one friend say to me in a whisper voice when I couldn't tell her an exact leave date, "Oh, I understand, it must be top secret military information but you can just tell me, I won't tell anyone else". It was too funny.
Now that he's home, they ask will he have to leave again. I just shrug my shoulders and chuckle and say that I obviously don't have the military clearance required to access that info and/or the crystal ball!

[Val]

I am SO happy to hear someone else say this! I thought I was just mean. I have such a hard time shifting out of 'he's leaving I can handle it' and into, 'He's not leaving.'

[Mel]

We went through that with Duckhunter's deployment that just ended. I felt like a darned light switch!

[dizzylizzie]

a great big yepperoni here too. on his first deployment to iraq. TWICE they failed to get the orders cut in time, so twice everyone showed up to leave battle-rattle in tow, and twice were told to go home because the paper-workers hadnt gotten around to cutting the orders.
Welcome to the military. Hurry up and Wait.

[HH7]

Glad to hear I'm not alone. I always feel guilty and crazy for thinking that way but it happens every time no matter how well I prepare myself for the glitches. It's definately a mentally and emotionally grinding process to get ready for a deployment and by the time I've made peace with it all that's usually when the plans change and it's never easy downshifting and re-setting.

I had a hard time explaining this phenomena to friends and family while waiting to hear that our unit was extended. The writing was all over the wall, we all knew it was coming, we just wanted to hear them say yes it's going to happen. When they finally made the official announcement there was definately a strange sense of relief. Not that any of us wanted them over there any longer, or at all, but at least we had a better idea of what we were facing. The uncertainty of it all is enough to drive me bananas.

[plc]

I am kind of embarrassed to say this...but...we were really counting on the extra income to pay off some debts. So when deployments get rearranged to does that extra money that I had so many plans for! New dining room table, save up for a new car, etc, etc ,etc. Plus when my husband came home to tell me about a delay in deployment he was upset, he did sign up to be a soldier after all. So I get to put that in the emotional mix as well!

[dizzylizzie]

i hear ya HH7. 32 days before they were due home we got the "official" word of the extention. before that, all the 'army people' would say was 'as of right now we are not extended'. which sort of gave us a false hope that it wouldnt happen. week after week, month after month they kept saying that. then BLAM! a month before they were due home we get the official word. talk about deflation! we thought we'd skirted it.

insult to injury; me and the kids had bought the stuff to make their homecoming banners the previous weekend.

on the bright side, finance didnt forget to keep his paychecks coming. the first tour it took about 3 months before he started getting paid. not just for his deployment $ but his whole paycheck period. so we had no income for about 3 months. the second it took about 2. at least on the third they decided to keep him on the payroll. that's always nice. we like to eat.

[Reasa]

I alost had one of those moments today. Hubby called and said that he had a 90% chance of not shipping. I told him he could not come home tonight if he did not ship. I worked to hard to get to the state of mind of handling it all. Good thing for him that he did ship today.

[Sarah]

PLC -- The money is also something I start scheming on when he leaves too!

HH7 -- "The writing was all over the wall, we all knew it was coming, we just wanted to hear them say yes it's going to happen." MAN, that's exactly where we're at right now. Good or bad, we just want the decision made!

I love SpouseBuzz commenters; there's always someone who gets it!

[plibarmywife]

This ---- well... we might be... we might not be makes me crazy. As my sainted FIL used to say "either poop or get off the pot" (well... he said something akin to that.. but we don't want to shock the kiddies.) Yes, the $$ helps, and it is enough to drive me to drink when it's yes/no/maybe. Something that is often forgotten - the families have lives too! Trying to get time off to go to farewells/homecomings.. ain't always easy! Some companies are better than others.. some could give a rip. I have heard of some very large chains of discount stores that have fired people when they insisted on going to farewells/homecomings.

Reasa - yeah, I hear ya! you get to the point of "ok, I'm ready, finally, to accept that you are going, I've made my plans, I even planned my crying jag and pity party.. So LEAVE already"! when they show up at the door with... maybe next week, the limbo is horrendous.

LAW

[HomefrontSix]

I don't limbo very well. And I'm not very flexible in real life so the whole "Semper Gumby", while a nice thing to strive for, is not something I'm good at.

I'm a planner and, in order to plan, one must have firmness with regard to dates and such. The whole "up in the air" thing about drove me NUTS.

And I"m glad to know I'm not the only one thinking "just GO already" when the time comes.

[tankerswife]

We didn't have too much of that when Tank left the first time on active duty. But now that he's a contractor, its actually worse. Now we have the DoD telling a civilian unit when to leave and not leave. Yikes.

I'm so totally on board with the "Go Already" mentality. People thought I was hard, and crazy when I'd say that it was actually harder for me when he was travelling back & forth between home and the east coast in the weeks running up to finally leaving. They couldn't understand that it was hard to schedule things, to get into a groove. I'd fill weekends not expecting him home and then he'd pop home. Thankfully, he's better at it than I am. I don't know how he does it, but he's so much better at reintigrating even for a weekend than I have ever been.

[DeAnne1233]

I know exactly how all of you feel and agree with you.

Another thing I find maddening is while they are deployed, every single thing that can go wrong does, virtualy at the same time (IE: car breaks down, issues with school, pay problems that I should be able to take care of with 3 POA's *General, PSD, Housing* and yet for some reason PSD says that it requires a sponsors/mil member's signature, household appliance breakdowns, kid troubles, neighbor issues, health issues, ER vsits, migraines, flus/infections/surgeries, offered housing so that you are left to move alone, changes in deployment schedules and communications black outs, etc).

So after preparing yourself mentally and emotionally for deployment, you are left at times overwhelmed and wishing he were here to help with at least some of it. If you are extremely lucky, you get a good command, good ombudsman and a good family support group. The not so lucky ones are left frustrated and feeling alone at the worst possible time. I've experienced both in the past 18 years as a Navy wife and beyond that as an Army brat.

This makes my favorite double meaning shirt "I Was Issued" very apropos.

Just know that none of us are alone in our feelings. All we need to do is reach out our hand to the approprite person and this is a good outlet for doing so.

[Angie the Moody Wife]

I have been an Air Force wife for nearly 20 years and I understand the joy and dissapointment that you experience when a TDY is cancelled. But why do you change your plans? If I plan to take a trip in August, well I go in August whether my husband is home or not. Even if your husband is at home, there are times when you just need a vacation. Time away from this wonderful and hectic life that we all lead as military wives (spouses). So, take time to yourself...you are not being selfish and I promise you that your husband can and will survive for a little while without you.

[HH7]

Angie,

I have thought on several occasions in the past of just following through with the traveling I have planned...but then I start thinking that we already spend so much time apart as it is. He misses out enough on the things that are going on. Between field time and deployment time there isn't much me&him time. I think I'd feel guilty for leaving him behind.

[Kelly]

This is my husbands first deployment in 14 years but he has been on TDY's and a school for 3 months, which I hated!! So when he told me he was going deployed to the desert for 6 months I bawled my eyes out for days. I cried the day he left and I haven't cried since! I somehow got it in my head, that it's ok, I understand (finally) why he has too go and like Sarah said, I had mentally planned all these cool things to do wtih my kids, and shop some, and just almost take a vacation! People keep telling me, wait the for meltdown it's gonna happen! Oh unless something big happens it won't. When he was in school last year for 3 months, I had plenty of melt downs! But I feel so much more confident and relaxed. It's nice to have just a little break. I love my hubby more than anything, but I think any two spouses need alone time, but when your actually together it's harder to see that, you just want to be together, but when you are apart you realize that alone time is good too. Now I don't know about 15-18 months of alone time!! 6 months is good!

[Shain]

Ohhhh, the wave of emotions that go through you when you hear that word...deployment! Ladies, I recently saw a wonderful gift item to give your husbands, and that your husbands can give to your kids or parents, that will always keep you near him while he's away, and a reminder of him will always be with you. It's called the friendship stone. A beautiful Tiger's Eye stone, highly polished, that shines from within (I've seen and held it from a friend that was given one). She said she keeps hers in her pocket and every time she feels it, she feels her friend's energy and thinks of her smile which brings a smile to her. She said it helps her get through hard times. Check it out; it could be just the thing to help get you all through those tough times apart. www.thefriendshipstone.com

[Shain]

Ohhhh, the wave of emotions that go through you when you hear that word...deployment! Ladies, I recently saw a wonderful gift item to give your husbands, and that your husbands can give to your kids or parents, that will always keep you near him while he's away, and a reminder of him will always be with you. It's called the friendship stone. A beautiful Tiger's Eye stone, highly polished, that shines from within (I've seen and held it from a friend that was given one). She said she keeps hers in her pocket and every time she feels it, she feels her friend's energy and thinks of her smile which brings a smile to her. She said it helps her get through hard times. Check it out; it could be just the thing to help get you all through those tough times apart. www.thefriendshipstone.com

[Shain]

Ohhhh, the wave of emotions that go through you when you hear that word...deployment! Ladies, I recently saw a wonderful gift item to give your husbands, and that your husbands can give to your kids or parents, that will always keep you near him while he's away, and a reminder of him will always be with you. It's called the friendship stone. A beautiful Tiger's Eye stone, highly polished, that shines from within (I've seen and held it from a friend that was given one). She said she keeps hers in her pocket and every time she feels it, she feels her friend's energy and thinks of her smile which brings a smile to her. She said it helps her get through hard times. Check it out; it could be just the thing to help get you all through those tough times apart. www.thefriendshipstone.com