Relevancy?

Some of you out there remember when a representative of the Post or Unit Wives Clubs met you at the door of the TLF or maybe even at the billeting office when you arrived.  You were swept under the wing of someone who was there to help you muscle-over the obstacles of being at a new installation and getting your feet on the ground.  Over time, many of us old folk spouses were joyous as we watched the Mil Services institutionalize many of the Wives Clubs run, family support functions.  If for no other reason, to lend a link to common programs at all of the posts and bases.  We even assisted in ensuring that somehow, the “need” was properly defined and the programs were funded.  dMany programs of the FRG/A&FRC became high points and “best of breed” even when compared to similar programs off-post. And trust me, the FRG/A&FRC’s and their programs are (or can be) GREAT organizations, esp. w/ their Key Spouse/Volunteer pyramids, Hearts-Apart, and the way they strive to support those back home while keeping in contact with their loved ones while deployed.

Success!  Now, when we PCS from post to post, we all have an idea of what to expect and where to expect it to come from.  We knew that “Newbies” were kinda-sorta the responsibility of the unit, and its Key Spouse.  And our Wife/Spouse organizations began to look more social, and less service, oriented.  (Deep breath here)  We started focusing on “those that are here” and less on “seeking those that need us.”  Which led in my mind, to the proverbial “self licking ice cream cone.”  Our  spouse clubs began to exist for the members entertainment, because frankly, the “unit” was in large part responsible for taking care of spouses needs as it dealt with “the military” and besides, wouldn’t “they” ask if they needed something?  They have FRGs and Key Spouses, right?

You’d think that the resultant would be our Spouse Organizations would be chock-a-block with members having raucous times.  And with a rising population of male spouses married to active duty military members (~9-12%), you’d think guys would be more obvious.  So why is it, that most Spouse Clubs have memberships that are 15-20% of total available folks who are eligible to be members?  And as stark as that number, only 15-20% of these members even bother to participate on any regular or recurring basis. And if you see 1 or 2 guys, it’s a damn miracle. What’s up?  Why do maybe 100 of 500 ever join, and why do only 20 of that 100 ever show up? (go with my percentages here, don’t debate the raw “example” numbers …)

Are our Spouses Clubs still significant in their current configuration?  Are they meeting the intended needs of the eligible population, as set out in the original charters of old?  Are they supporting the spouses or satisfied with entertaining us?  Were you met at your new duty station by a member of the spouses club, and if so, was there ever a "second" meeting?  Were you immediately involved or were you left to your own devices? SHOULD the spouses club even be considering what I write here or am I just an old Toad, in a "time long forgotten?"

If I showed up at your door, <*knock-knock*> “Hi, I’d like for you to come join us in the Spouses Club—what can I do to get you to participate?”  What would you say?

What are we missing?  What would make a successful spouses club?  AND why aren’t there more men stepping up and getting involved? Have we asked them what anti-gravity force field keeps them away? Are we so involved with our own lives that it's just easier to let the Key Spouse/Key Volunteers do their things?  (and for the last stink bomb on this post, …)

Are the Spouses Clubs, relevant? 

Choose a question, any question --don't try to tackle them all, most are rhetorical; although I may allude to the fact that the baby may be ugly, doesn't for a minute mean it ain't loved.

Let the beatings begin!

Over & Out, MaintenanceToadOne

(Going to be at SB Live III?  We'll see you there!) 

Comments

[wineymomma]

WOW! Lots of rhetorical questions there!

When my husband first came on active duty I wasn't sure about participating in Spouse Clubs. The first experience I had with one was incredibly positive (a luncheon for newbies on base). There were lots of retiree spouses there and they were alot of fun!

When we got to our permanent duty station I was not active with the club. As I became more familiar with how things were run I joined and was on the Board the next year. I served on the board there for 3 years. At our next station I was on the Board for 2 years.

I was not met at either base by a rep. There was a rep at Right Start so I guess that counts.

The problem I have now is that so many people here live in town that it is next to impossible to get involved here.

As for guys-most work full time. I think if we directed functions so that more could attend without missing work more men would attend.

[Kate]

I have only a minute, but I wanted to throw out a great idea I heard recently. I heard it from a Marine wife, but I don't know other groups are also trying this. They were posted in an area where the spouses were dispersed over a large geographic area (similar to DC). Instead of having individual unit groups, they had zip code groups who met once a month. I know that would change the dynamics of the group, but it may be a better solution to just abandoning spouses clubs when the potential members may live 100 miles away from each other.

Hope SpouseBUZZ Live is awesome - I'm sure it will be!

[Shanna]

MT, you're right, the baby IS ugly! When we got to our most recent duty station, not only did noone from the unit stop by, they completely forgot to introduce our family at the squadron picnic. They introduced the other 11 new families, but not us. Yet, our old squadron key spouse still sends me newsletters, updates, etc., even though I've told her we've moved. She says we're still family and always will be. Where's the old military I grew up in? I've done what I can to bring back the commaraderie, but some help is needed here, people!!!!

[plc]

Ummmmm, what is the Spouse Club?

[Tiffany]

As one of the key wives in the spouse club I have noticed an issue that may very well leave people out (unintentionally, of course). I am never made aware of new spouses joining the battalion, and I'm not sure who is supposed to be letting us know this. I can only hope that someone with more experience is made aware and passes the information on. I would guess that we'd need to find out from someone IN the battalion (like the FRO?), but I'm never made aware of it. I realize, however, that people are not continually joining and departing at all times, though.

Another issue is that we rely on the husbands (it's an Infantry battalion, so it is safe to suggest that it is the husband that is directly involved) to provide us with correct contact information for spouses who join the battalion. This information is requested and frequently brushed aside as "unimportant." Some husbands have even openly stated that they do not want their wives contacted, because they do not want their wives involved. Yikes! I wonder if the WIFE would like to be involved. Maybe, maybe not... but having the option would be nice.

It's also a little difficult keeping track of everyone and having participation when spouses move away during their husband's deployment, but in that case it is the spouse's choice to leave the area, a choice that is respected. The spouse group can then only maintain communication throughout the deployment and re-emphasize that we are here for the wife when/if needed. All in all, I think that spouse clubs ARE still relevant for those people who choose to participate. For the people who do not choose to participate and/or have a negative pre-conceived notion of the club (from rumors or previous experiences), I don't believe the presence of the spouse club matters one way or the other.

Wow! I just wrote a book! Sorry. :)

[Lori]

I married my husband after he'd already been stationed here for 5 years. Never was I contacted by any person on base. I think this situation needs to ba addressed because I never knew anything about spouse clubs or hearts apart or anything like that until being here for well over a year.

Much of what I hear about our spouse club is that it's very "clique-y" though I admit I don't know that from personal experience. I have no idea when they even meet or where I could find this information out.

I don't even want to get into the mess that is our key spouse situation :P

[InTheAirForceAgain]

Wow, those are some interesting and difficult questions! I grew up in the AF and my mother never attended spouse related functions. She always found her support in our churches, largely because there was less drama. So when I became a spouse, I was hesitant about joining an org. I had a lot of preconceived notions about the kind of women who participated. By the time we hit our third base and final training squadron I started attending. I'm happy to say that for the most part I have been proven wrong. I've met a great group of women who support each other and have really gotten to know the base and all it can provide.

That being said, we've really struggled lately with how best to run our squadron spouses' club. There are a handful of us that seem to be present at everything and another group who won't participate to save their lives, which is fine if that's their choice. So our goal is to get the new spouses as they come in. The SQ/CC's wife meets them at their training unit's graduation and invites them to the next coffee. Their husbands are given a flyer during their orientation with the hope that it makes it home. If we can get email addresses, we add them to the email distribution list and send them the link to our webpage. We're also starting a welcome committee to personally visit the newbies and bring them to events.

With all of that going on it's hard to get lost in the shuffle. But there are still those that choose not to get involved for whatever reason. They're the people we want to address next. We're looking for ways to change our org to meet more people's needs and involve more people. It's a long road with setbacks every time someone PCS's but it's definately worth trying! I think these orgs are still needed to fulfill the support role, especially during deployments, but only if they function in an effective manner.

[Jenn]

What is the difference between spouses club and FRG?

[MrsD]

As a National Guard FRG (which I assume is synonymous with "Spouse Club"), we face many - though certainly not all - of the same difficulties as those attached to active units with a few additional ones thrown in. Our largest difficulty is, of course, distance. We are spread out over an entire state, with at least three of our members living in other states. Added to that are the families of our single soldiers who are sometimes located several states away. Having an active National Guard FRG is a definite challenge.

I read with interest the "zip code" idea above. I'm going to play with that one in my mind to see if it could be adapted to our situation. Another idea I've been kicking around - not so much for right now as for when our soldiers deploy in a few months - is to literally move our meeting around. I don't know how open other armories would be to letting us use their facilities once in a while, but I'm thinking on it. I'd love to hear any other ideas that are out there.

InTheAirForceAgain, you have hit the nail squarely on the head. In any organization you will always have those who get things done, those who don't want to be involved, those who want to complain and those who will go along with whatever is being done and help out IF THEY ARE ASKED. It is always a challenge to keep any organization from seeming like a clique. I happen to be the one who puts out our newsletter and in every single edition I stress "this is YOUR FRG". If anyone else out there has any other ideas on making their unit's FRG/Spouse Club more inclusive, I'd love to hear them.

[Marna Krajeski]

This is a great topic for discussion. Our FRGs/spouse groups definitely need to monitor changing conditions and adjust if we're going to stay relevant.

As far as male spouses not attending, that's a challenge. To draw a broad generalization, women seek alliances and emotional support. Men seek information. In one spouse group I belonged to, the leader proposed this solution: The meetings started on time, and the business part of the meeting (announcements, schedules, information, questions, etc) finished within an hour. Sometimes there was a special program afterwards (bunco, gift exchange, etc) which you could stay for if you wanted. If not, you left--no problem. This worked out pretty well for everyone.

[MO]

1: nobody has ever contacted me ever until my spouse became an officer.

2: Being a member of a board for a spouses club at one time I would have to say they need to get with the times. Spouses are younger and younger and most of these things ask you not to bring your children. That's fine but why not make two meetings, mommy picnic's outdoors, how about something better than boring menus, I could go on and on but I'm sure you get the idea. Let's get with the times!

3: New members are not greeted by these clubs. You go in and it's like ooookay where do I sit, does anybody even notice me. It doesn't exactly make a gal feel welcome, hopefully they are not new to the military.

4: For FRG's it is not the leader's fault or the commander's why nobody shows, it is all the "rules" that say what can and can't be done that really makes it rather boring for anybody to step up and new ideas being looked over.

It's all about keeping up with the times and we all know how the Military does not do a good job with that. With that said I am in no way talking about traditions here, I think the deep rooted traditions need to stay. Does that make sense?

[Jenn]

My hats off to those of you who are actually doing something with your FRG's. I was at the Buzz live yesterday and one thing someone mentioned was that we dont have to do this alone. That is good and all but what about when their isnt much of a choice? This is our first official duty station and we have been here for almost 3 years. I didnt know what a FRG was because for our Co their wasnt one. I ended up in the hospital for 8 weeks on bed rest with my triplets. We lost one of them and now have my wonderful twin girls. The entire time my husband was trying to deal with day care for my other 3 children and work. They didnt let him off for anything. I didnt hear from anyone in the unit the entire time I was there. I had nurses tell me that other pts have had their Batallion Chaplan come to see them but not for us. 3 days after I got home with the twins they sent my husband away for some training for 2 weeks. I lost it and called the chaplan. He was so upset that he didnt know about any of this. All in all it wasnt a good thing that I called him. My husband got in so much unofficial trouble with his chain of command. We are still dealing with it 2 years later. After this I told the chaplan, co commander and any one that would listen that I was willing to try to help get something going with the other spouses. Nothing happened. And now 2 years later there still is nothing. I tried to talk to the new comander and still nothing. Now they say this lady is in charge of FRG and I talked to her to make sure my info was right. They had one meeting since my husband deployed and that was at some resturant that we had to pay for ourselves and with 5 kids I couldnt do it. I even called the Batallion commanders wife and she didnt realize that nothing was happening and said she would work on it and that was 3 months ago. Still nothing. So here I am feeling like I have been proactive and still nothing. I would like to have the support closer than a 19 hour drive but I am starting to think that wont happen. If anyone has any other ideas let me know. Its not like its a small post either.

[Lisa]

Good Evening Sir

We met recently when you came to the spouses club to talk about spousebuzz.com. I have noticed that it is very difficult to contact the spouses on the base. While we do attend newcomers briefings, rarely do any of the spouses attend with the incoming military members and we are never notified when someone arrives at the base in order to welcome them. We do hand out flyers at events, as well as the Heart Link seminars, and most of us talk to the ones we meet around the base telling them about the spouses clubs but our membership has been dwindling and we really aren't sure what to do to increase membership. I personally have greatly benefited from the spouses club and I have enjoyed every minute of it. I really enjoy all of the activities and the friendships I have formed there.

I am also a key spouse for several organizations on base and when I asked the commander about greeting incoming spouses of our new military members, I was told that it was the job of the sponsor. I wish there was an easier way to meet new spouses and welcome them to the base. I know how important it is to feel welcomed and to feel like you belong. Thank you for the post.

[passion4quilting]

WOW.. Sorry i'm late to the ball.
It's hard to hear people have had bad experiences. Wish we could figure out how to help everyone across the board...what is relavent to each service and situation. Stories like Jenn's are what I strive to avoid. Your insight is ALWAYS appreciated. My veiw is if you want something good on your base, installation, post, organization, wing, group, squadron then you have to get involved. It starts with you!

[MaintToad1]

ALL -- thanks for writing in! And P4Q, thanks for digging us out of the archives as we move pretty quickly thru the active pages around here. In fact, most of yall may not wander back but I wanted to say, Thanks! For bringing some of these issues forward, for telling me some of your tales, for gracefully acknowledging the baby could be prettier -- but it's still ours.

My apologies for confusing some of you as I was trying to get as much out as I could which sometimes works sometimes not. The gist of this discussion was about Spouses Clubs, ESC or OSC. And how they've changed as the FRGs and A&FRCs have institutionalized programs that spouses used to do for other spouses.

ANYway, let's trek thru this and I'll revisit with more thoughts later.
Toad

[Michelle]

Like Lisa said, few spouses come to the newcomers' briefings - even overseas. With POI issues we have no way of getting the spouse's info unless the military member provides it to welcome them.

It is easy enough on the officer side of the house in the maintenance world to know when a newbie is coming in with a spouse because there are so few of us. We can easily extend a welcome and an invitation to the the next OSC and/or squadron/group spouses function. But, when there are upwards of 500 airmen in a squadron it is truly a challenge to reach out to all spouses. And, not every spouse you reach is going to appreciate the gesture.

In the end though, I think the spouses' clubs are still relevant if for no other reason than for what they give back to the community in the form of scholarships and philanthropic donations.

[sandra motte]

My husband retired after 24 years of service. I have a stroke at 60 years of age. We lost everything we gotten from our years in service. Even though we receive a retired pay we receive a very low income from our social security and disability payments we cannot make it fom payday to payday.Our country does nothing to help our men after they are through with them.

[sandra motte]

My husband retired after 24 years of service. I have a stroke at 60 years of age. We lost everything we gotten from our years in service. Even though we receive a retired pay we receive a very low income from our social security and disability payments we cannot make it fom payday to payday.Our country does nothing to help our men after they are through with them.

[mm]

After being the only volunteer for 10 months at a A&FRC, I am seeing a few changes and 2 more women have volunteered to help. So there is a tiny light at the end of the tunnel. We are handing out flyers with our info at squadron picnics trying to get more volunteers.