We Were Significant Others Once, Too

Although SpouseBUZZ is a place for military spouses, not all of our readers are military spouses. "Significant others" also lurk, read and comment here, and we're happy to have you. After all, before we became military spouses, we were significant others. I would have paid a fair amount of money to have had a resource like SpouseBUZZ available to me before I married into the Army. It probably would have helped me understand the culture a bit better, and avoid some of the more embarrassing situations I found myself in.

Several months ago, I wrote a post asking significant others to say hello. I've noticed that since then, many have kept coming back to that post and connecting with one another, which I think is great. One comment really grabbed me.

Already after 4 weeks I realize that I'm going to have times like this evening, melt downs because I feel lonely and scared most of all, because I haven't heard anything.

Reading through these posts I realize that I'm not alone, that there are others that are going through the same.

****

Most of all, I think I just needed to "vent", but I want all of you that share this situation with me to know, that I'm thinking of you, as well.

I will check back and read posts and post! Keep your heads up, everyone, and hang in there.

One of the main reasons SpouseBUZZ exists. For girlfriends or boyfriends who have found us recently, I thought I would open a fresh thread for you. Say hello to us, let us know who you are and how we can better support you.

Comments

[Joyce]

Moms of soldiers lurk here too. I have a son in the Air Force who is married with a beautiful wife and cute baby girl. So, I look around for ways to help/support them. I don't want to be the dreaded MIL. And a son in ROTC as a senior in college. Here is where I learned to properly wash and dry under armour, and diggies. As well as, here I learn what to send in care packages, as I have nephews also in the military. And y'all have also taught me what to say to military families. This is one of my favorite sites. I have so much to learn about the different ranks and insignias in the different services. Maybe someday have a tutorial on that. And would some patient military guy or gal explain why the need for officers and noncoms just 'cause somebody went to college? I am confused.

[Andi]

Wow - over 200 comments on the original thread and only one here? Where are our girlfriends? We want to know you....

Joyce - thanks for your nice words. We love military moms!

[Ashley]

I faithfully visit and read spousebuzz. And I am a "has been". My husband received a medical discharge for some very minor injuries after we were married. I was totally enarmored with the military life and my "war-time love story". After his discharge I felt like we had lost something. I come to this site and "remember when". My husband's injuries have healed and he is now eligible to re-enter, if he should chose, which he has. We are currently waiting on USAREC to give us the ok for him to re-enlist. While I faced the harsh reality of MilSpouse life the first time around (deployments, nights alone, etc) I still look foward to and feel a thrill inside of me when I realize we actually might be going back to then. So even though I am a "has been" I am also a "may be" and look forward to the day I can say with the rest of you "I am".

[loquita]

Well, I know Stephanie's not here because she got married since that last thread was posted. :-p
http://shewhowaits.com/index.php/2007/07/09/p291

I checked out the thread on the old post, and the comment that jumped out at me was from MG:
"Being the girlfriend can be rough because there are definitely no military privileges but we decided we did not want to get married for the wrong reasons and if we choose to get married it will be on our terms."

I feel like my LT and I are hesitating about getting engaged or married because we feel rushed by the operational tempo, and that we're anxious that we're not separating our real feelings from reactions to his deployments and homecomings. You just want to be sure that you're making the decision for the right reasons, and for reasons that will support your marriage in the future.

It doesn't help that he's leaving again in 3 months, and just got home from the last deployment 3 months ago. So much for dwell time, eh? I simultaneously feel rushed to get very serious about our future, and hesitant to have important conversations because I don't want to add to the stress of the deployment work-up.

I'm sure there are lots of you out there who can relate to this, which is why I love blogging and reading blogs. :)

[Kelly]

Hi everyone,
I am new to Spouse Buzz, but have loved reading all of the posts. My husband is currently deployed with a unit from another state, so I am all alone going through this deployment. I would love to keep in touch with others who are going through a deployment as well. "Civilian" spouses sometimes don't understand. Thanks!

[(army) wife]

I completely understand how you are feeling, loquita. My husband and I began a relationship 2 weeks before he left for deployment, got engaged a month after he returned, and were married 5 months later. Some of the feelings that played into all of the that definitely came from reacting to the deployment/homecoming and the possibility of another deployment. However, if there is one thing I'm learning as a military spouse its that you have to be willing to be spontaneous and open to change because you never know when the Army will come at you next. And my husband and I just knew what we were doing was right for us, so why wait for that "perfect" moment that may never come along? Instead we created that moment!

[Stephanie]

Loquita, you're funny!

As for your situation, I'd tell you to just do what you feel is right. There is no reason you can't continue the relationship as a couple without the official piece of paper until you're both confident it's the right choice. It doesn't make you any less devoted to one another to wait.

[Heather]

Hi Everyone, I have been reading SpouseBUZZ for awhile but I didn't really feel right in posting because I'm not a spouse but recently I became a fiancee!! And I'm really looking forward to being a spouse. I've definitely enjoyed reading about other situations that deal with similarties and seeing what I need to prepare myself for. Plus I don't have cable so I couldn't watch Army Wives but I feel like I watched it through your threads.

[Heather]

P.S. Loquita, there is nothing wrong with staying a girlfriend. I know what you mean of having no privileges, because I was a girlfriend through his last deployment and I was so lucky I knew a wife otherwise I wouldn't have known anything. It does make somethings harder but he and I felt the same way we didn't want to get caught up in things and not focus on doing what we felt was right for us. We just got engaged a few weeks ago and we had been together for two years so do whatever is right for you.

[Mrs.LMJC]

Hi everyone
I am new to spousebuzz. I am recently engaged to my future husband. The only problem is he is divorced with 3 kids. It seems as if his ex is trying to mess up everything. she didnt want the divorce and she constantly calls and just cause problems. He pays child support, he calls his kids, and he visits when time allows it, but she just can't let go. She calls his chain of command and makes up stories, which indeed gets him called into the office. She thinks just because she have his children she still have all the privileges of being an army spouse. So she tries to use the kids id's to visit on post and many other things. I was wondering if there is anything he or I can do to make our life together run smoothly? I sometimes want to give up because its very stressful dealing with the other woman whose not even the other woman!

[Claire]

Hello! I've been here for a while, but this is the first time I've commented. My boyfriend is in the navy and we just survived his first deployment of 5 months. I just graduated from college and live with a couple girfriends, one of which is an Air Force wife. She's 2 months into his 3rd deployment since they've been married and lives with us while her husband's gone. I love SpouseBuzz because it not only helps me, but it helps me in comforting her at times (I'm not so good with emotions).

I'm in the unique, but wonderful situation where I get to LIVE with a military spouse going through the same thing, so it's really great! We are always making care packages or cards together and the whole apartment of girls (all who have military connections, though not a significant other) join in. I firmly believe that relationships with others in the same boat as you are so vital, whether it be in person or through internet networking. Thanks for all your help SpouseBuzz!

[CstzGrl]

I was one of those who kept coming back to the original thread and posting updates. It was so helpful reading everyone else's stories and provided me a lot of support those long nights of crying alone. However,this one will be my last post.

After 5 years of him being away more than home, not hearing from him for weeks at a time and not knowing if he was even still alive, and then scheduling, canceling, rescheduling and canceling our wedding again(three times total), my Coastie and I are going our separate ways. He wants to play commando as a boarding officer and not have to worry about someone at home, and I'm tired of having my life on hold, being a fiance alone and still-not-a-wife.

To all of you, I truly wish you the best. This just wasn't meant to be for me.

To Andi and all of the other SpouseBuzz folks, you do an awesome job of providing an extremely valuable resource, particularly for those of us who really have nowhere else to go. Thank you.

[MG]

CstzGrl Don't throw in the towel yet. Email me at
mjgb1056@bellsouth.net

[Amber]

CstzGrl, you've been thinking about this A LONG time. I swear you've probably knocked a couple years off your life just stressing about this guy lately. Its time to open a bottle of champagne to celebrate you're willingness to move on. I can tell by the posts you've written since I started reading, this conclusion has been on your mind a while. Who knows, maybe you will get back together one day and live happily ever after. Right now you need to do what is right for your sanity and live your life in a healthy way. Its going to suck BIG TIME at first, but the beginning of any new post-relationship life does. It will last a little while, but soon enough you'll realize you are sleeping better, and functioning better throughout the day. That too will probably catch you by surprise when it does happen :) Best of luck. You'll get through this just fine.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[loquita]

Stephanie - Just wanted to make you smile. :)

Heather - Thanks for sharing your story. I'm glad there are others out there who can't quite let themselves just go with the moment. I think I'm pretty good at rolling with the punches that the Marine Corps dishes out, but I can't quite give up my tendency to carefully and slowly plan my personal life. :)

(army) wife - Thanks for the input. I'm so happy for you that you got to marry your soldier. :) And I added your blog to my feed reader. :)

Claire - That is so cool that you live in a house with other people in your situation. Having an evening of putting together care packages sounds awesome.

CstzGrl - I hope you find the path that's the best thing for you.

[AirmansGirl]

I just stumbled upon this site a few months ago and have been lurking. My boyfriend is a Pilot with the Air National Gaurd and we've been dating a little over a year. I've never dated anyone in the military before, so this is completely new to me.

I am so proud of him though and want to support him in anyway I can. We only see each other about 5 days a month due to his missions and trainings. But I am learning to deal with the seperations, and it makes it easier to see how others are coping with it as well.

[Andi]

Thanks to everyone for commenting here. We're happy to have you and we love to hear from you.

[Koukla]

Hello to my fellow girlfriends of Deployed boyfriends!

I am hoping to find someone that has dealt with an uneasy R&R. I had known my Army BF for 5 intense months until he left for Afghanistan in January of this year. The months flew with incredible communication which supplie us both with great energy.

I saw him for 3 weeks for R&R and from day 3 (when he finally 'woke' up) he said he could think of the future.

I have read of "Harsh Start Ups" which set a negative tone for the entire R &R ---

Truth is- we had different expectations. I expected focus to easily be 'me'! But, he could take his mind of of his soldiers and mission.

He has been back in Aghan. for a month now and communication is very slow.

His last email was incredibly loving - so I live with hope.

Has anyone ever experienced a lousy R&R ?

Please, let me know. It is the most difficult subject to research and first hand experience would help me so much.

I pray for all of you and your men. May you all be blessed with all your dreams.

[Koukla]

TYPO!!!!!!!!!!

My BF could NOT think or talk of the future with me during R&R-

BTW, this is after a year of talking about the future and having a family.

Am I the only one to encounter this feeling of 'rejection'

I have done much research since he went back and realize that I didn't truly understand his role as a soldier . I, aslo, didn't make the extra, hard, very difficult (that is why this is tough!) effort to understand and look outward instead of inward.

I learned a lot---

Has anyone else out there learned this lesson as well?

Sorry for the typos.

[jes]

Koukla,
I have been on the receiving end of the 'rejection' more than once....it is soooo frustrating, because you just never know where you stand. EVER. I used to get loving, futuristic emails, and then, out of the blue, last week I got the "Dear Jane, Have a nice life" email. Shocking, to say the least. I'm so confused, also. I don't know if I should continue hanging on, and just hope he gets over it soon, or if maybe i should finally let go, because it's a reoccurring pattern with him and his deployments to Iraq. We've known each other for 9 years, and in my heart I know he didn't mean what he said in the email, but it's hard to know for sure. I hate the emotional shut out that comes so often. :(

[Koukla]

Hey Jes,
Thanks for responding. Well, first you have been with him for 9 years. Do you want to be married one day? Or, do you not find it necessary. I only ask his because 9 years is a long time to be with someone with being married- if your goal is marriage.

You should definitely take his email as face value. Don't second guess him. The, couldn't you say, you should second guess all the great emails?

Only you know the truth. Give him time and you can talk to him when he comes home. Deployments don't last forever.

Finally, R&R - that is my question. Did you/ or anyone out there ever experience an "not so perfect" R&R?

My BF loves me, he expresses himself beautifully, but when he was home he kept asking me to understand that he can't sotp thinking of his battalion- that he needs to complete his mission- then come home and think of the future. I did not understand at that moment what he really, truly meant, until now.

I have read blogs, researched redeployments, etc.- anything I could get my hand on- this helped me see where I dropped the ball.

I just want to hear from anyone of you that have had not so great R&R.

Believe me, there was and is love and I believe in us.

I want to get feedback on R&R issues-

R&R Issues? Got any?

I would love to hear them.

[Cele]

I just recently found this blog and what perfect timing. My BF is in the Navy and we have a long distance relationship and have been going strong for slightly less than a yr. Things were really getting serious but now he has stopped writting, calling, with no notice. I know he was concerned with his upcoming deployment. It is to my understanding he had a bad experience with his ex with a previous deployment. I am assuming this rejection is not unusual. The average person would say he is breaking up with me but I have notice a relationship with someone in the military is far from average. I don't know if I should be healing from a broken heart or staying strong for my man until he comes around?

[Kate]

Hi Guys,

I'm a girlfriend... and here are my thoughts.

My Boyfriend- Ranger Man- and I just got through our first deployment together, and it was not all fun and games. I think that we expect the actual deployment to be hard, and then we kind of forget about the "real" hard part, which is the coming home part. As long as you approach all aspects of your relationship as a learning experience, being willing to learn from one another and listen to each other's concerns, it seems that a couple rocky homecomings are just that- learning experiences.

We all want to support our guys/girls, but something that is important to a girlfriend especially is to make sure that you are being taken care of too. We don't get tricare, we don't get on base housing, heck, we don't even get 100% assurance that anyone will even TELL us if anything happens to our guys (and that is the worst feeling ever!), so that means that someone has to look out for us, and sometimes that someone has to be us.

Soldiers forget what it's like to have a girlfriend sometimes when they're surrounded by all the male bonding and the stress and everything that war entails. That doesn't mean that we should make them go through it all by themselves, but it also doesn't give them free rein to walk all over us.
The "average" person has no idea what it's like to send someone you love with all your heart to somewhere you know people are doing their best to kill him... and then not know if you'll find out about something bad happening on CNN. But the "average" person also isn't clouded by love and concern.

How is that for not giving any good advice at all? I'm sorry if that muddied the waters even more, but I totally think that it's how you approach things and treat each other as a couple. Also, what are you willing to live through, what makes you feel loved and respected and validated in your relationship?

Sorry I can't help any more you guys... let me know if that makes it better or worse?

[amjh08]

My names Amanda, and I'm dating a guy named Travis, who is being deployed to Iraq in Jan. We've already talked about it, and on a weekly basis do so. He'll be in Communications, so I know he'll have a phone and computers around him pretty much 24/7...But it's still hard.I don't know what to expect, we weren't dating when he went off to Basic Training, we were just friends, but we dated before that, and then a (ex) friend of mine claimed that he was cheating on me, when in reality she wanted to date him..well...long story...But anyways, we just got back together a few weeks ago, And we only got 2 months left until he's gone for a year. I've told him that I don't really understand why he wants to do this, he just has told me he has his reasons..But I do understand that he needs to do this for himself...But a whole year? ...He gives me butterflies, and makes my heart skip beats, but it's not awkward around him. He's amazing, and he makes me have weird emotions I never knew was possible. We've always had a connection...But if something happens? What then? I actually just meant his mom for the first time last night, and then him and I went for a walk. I realized he's going to miss a lot next year. (I'm a senior in HS) My prom, 18th birthday, grad., going to college, his 21st b-day...And so my advice, the conclusion we came to, was that I was going to keep a notebook, and write down memories, since we don't know how long he'll be able to talk to me, or how often I'll get letters from him, etc, and I'll write down all the little things that happen in my life, and all the big things, and write poems and songs in there, and take pictures, and when he comes home give it to him...

And come March or so, if everything is still good, I'm going to ask his mom to help me get ready for prom, and whatnot, have some type of weekly or monthly thing with his family, because He's extremely family oriented...And I don't have that type of relationship with my family, and I wish I did. But he liked that...

I just don't know what else to do. How can I help him get ready for deployment?? Any advice??

Email me-or post on here- amjh08@hotmail.com

Thanks!
~Amanda

[Cele]

I think it is clearly not an easy job being a military GF. I guess it is just one of those things we do for the one we love. Kate what you stated was just the truth and a great point to make.I have decided to wait things out.I know my guy and I have a feeling he was sent on another unexpected job. Sometimes I think as we are learning to adapt to a military relationship we can worry too much.We all know with the military things sometimes happen without much notice. As a GF we don't get to always know what is happening with our guys when they are away.My take is these guys really need our support and every little bit counts. Sometimes all we can do is wait as patiently as possible, because only time will tell.- thanks to all for the support

[Koukla]

Kate-
Your email was poignant. Thank you for your insights. In no way did you muddy the waters but cleared them to the fact that it is about listening, growing, understanding eachother as a couple. 'Couple' is the key work here. Also, your point of reintegration is very important because it is extremely challenging. I have never known listening to be as hard a skill as needed to understand our boyfriend's experiences. And, again, right on about knowing what one needs to be honored, respected and validated. I hope and think that the strength and energy that all of our boyfriends receive from us, via emails, letters, care packages, should validate the love between each other. As for Amanda, be yourself, keep an open heart, and do not stop reaching for your own personal goals. Go, become your dreams. The stronger you are the stronger all else will be. It is amazing to read these emails and realize that Army wives and girlfriends are the hardest jobs in the military and vital to the missions.

[Andi]

Ladies - I'm enjoying reading your the perspective of a girlfriend. Want you to know that our radio shows are not just for military spouses, girlfriends and significant others are more than welcome to listen, so feel free to join us, I think you'd enjoy them.

More information below:

http://www.spousebuzz.com/blog/2007/10/knock-knock-any.html

[amjh08]

Koukla-

Thanks for your reply, I always seem to be forgetting to continue reaching for my goals, while trying to help someone elsewhere in life. Always a good reminder to hear it, maybe I should print off a quote of some sort about it and post them on my door and on my car visor, etc.

Thanks again!
~Amanda

[MG]

The posting is great. I first came upon this site in May of 2007. I was a girlfriend and already went through an Iraq deployment and now 6 months later going through a 1 year remote.

Now I am a wife and can only share with you to support your
man/woman. My thoughts have not changed. We had a beautiful wedding on Fort Lauderdale Beach but that was only a ceremony. We knew that no matter what we faced from the Military that we would handle it with maturity and minimum drama.

I can share with you the pain, anxiety, sadness, loneliness....but if you are with the right person...it is all worth it!!

I don't care if we are girlfriends or wives...this is very tough to love and support....we each need to decide how tough we are???

[milspousetobe]

Hello Ladies,

I've been reading throught the posts for the past few days. I didnt want to feel like a lurker so I firgured that I would post and let you know that I'm here and that I'm listening. My fiancee grew up an "AF brat" who is going to enlist as soon as he's finished serving the Lord on his mission. (He's a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.) He grew up on military bases all over the U.S. and spent about half of his life overseas on AFB's in Germany, England and Japan. So, I'm already marrying into a military family. But thoe more we talked to more he came to realize that's exaclty what he wants for his children, the childhood that he had. I love him more than anything and I honestly can't wait to be his wife. What I really wish there was was a list: what I wish I knew before I became an airforce wife. I've lived the same house since I was three, and have only really travelled to Disney World! I know that I can't really be ready for whats about to happen in my life, but at least I can do a little research.

love,
milspousetobe

[Koukla]

MG-

I came back to this blog today to find some strength and I found it in you. It is hard to imagine that "pain, anxiety, sadness and loneliness" are feelings that come with deployments of boyfriends, but they do and it is so hard. Thanks for sharing your experiences; somehow it makes me stronger on my journey.

[MG]

Koukla,

Thank you for your kind words. I think we are all in the same boat no matter what our situation is....we are missing our other half.

I am very proactive on communications and know that most times we have to be the cheerleaders even though we need someone to cheer us up.

My husband (one month)is 750 miles north of the artic circle....talk about being isolated and that is what I have to remember..
I can get in the car and go to the beach and clear my head, where he is sitting on a glacier and has no where to escape...I think that is what happens...these guys are in a place that they are protecting us but they have no where to go and experiencing things that we cannot imagine.

So when they act out of character or pull away from us we just need to stand by them because that is what Love is really all about...being there for them!

Another thing we need to remember....
Always think the best not the worst. We as girls... way overthink things...these guys are thinking how lucky they are to have their women back home and we are thinking they are not thinking about us...this is definately a learning experience and can only make us stronger.

[Natalie]

Hello,
I have actually just discovered this site and I am having the toughest time dealing with my boyfriend's deployment coming up in December.
There are of course the feelings of anxiety, fear and helplessness but more than that... the military has a history of infidelity on both sides and my boyfriend is no exception.
On his first deployment to Iraq his then wife cheated on him which resulted in a pregnancy midway through his year and half deployment.
How can you reassure someone who's thousands of miles away that you can make that type of commitment?
I will be faithful, especially to a man who's risking his life day in and day out. How could I not?
Anyway, we haven't been together all that long, and seems insurmountable and difficult. At least I'm not alone.

[victoria]

natalie,
Hey natalie I know exactly what you are talking about. And it is very very hard, to reasure them. I know i have problems with it everyday. We had not been together very long when he left. Waiting can be very hard, and i have found myself having doubts about his truthfullness to me, there is no need for it though. Stay strong and hold it out. We are 10 months through and 5 left, I can not wait. Although every month brings around new fights and new problems. It is not easy but it is worth it. Dont stop your life when he is gone. I did and it has created more problems then good. If you go out continue to go out, email him every chance you get and try your hardest not to miss his calls. GOOD Luck to all. this will be over soon

[Victoria]

Another thing we need to remember....
Always think the best not the worst. We as girls... way overthink things...these guys are thinking how lucky they are to have their women back home and we are thinking they are not thinking about us...this is definately a learning experience and can only make us stronger.

THANK YOU MG....I just read what I reposted...i am having problems with this myself, that really made me think...THANK YOU

[MG]

You are Welcome. I just came back from oversees for 1 week seeing my husband. He is in a situation that could make any female wonder what is going on??? We just need to trust them, love them and be there for them. I can tell you that these men want to be with you!!

[Sarah]

hi everyone! I used to post on the last thread alot last year. My boyfriend deployed again yesterday and this was the first place I thought of. MG you were always giving amazing advice, it is good to see an old friend on here. This deployment comes much easier already than the first. We finally live together now, where as we did not on the last one. And the communication expectations are different. He is in the navy, I have toured the ship, I have toured his state room, and his working conditions and respect his situation so much more now. I am glad to have this forum to vent on again. It sure is quiet around here and I look forward to keeping in touch with my fellow girlfriends to help pass the long months ahead. Talk soon. Love Sarah

[MG]

Sarah, Welcome back. I am so happy that you are happy. That is all we can do is be at peace when they go on these deployments. We have 10 weeks left on a 1 year deployment and I can honestly say that we are solid because of our communications with each other. There are so many emotions that most don't understand when being pulled away from "life as you know it". I can honestly say that I am humble, stronger and so compassionate to what the
military families sacrifice for these great men/woman to protect us. Stay in touch!

[DTDTDT]

Hi,

I am 35-year old single woman. I finally met a great guy who is attractive, honest trustworthy, smart, very committed. He told me when we met that he was probably deploying and we dated 8 months before he actually went overseas. I really trust him but I feel really alone because I never knew anyone in the military before and his reserve unit is about 800 miles away (he has a crazy commute one weekend a month.) So my boyfriend has 45 other guys and girls that are with him over there and meanwhile i have no one, really. So it is good to have this forum because sometimes it feels like I am all alone. I mean, what are the rules? Everyone says to send him care packages, and then he tells me they get too many. And what happens when I am "mad" at him, do I tell him I am mad, or do I just be silent and wait it out? What if I am worried about things, do I share that with him or d I let it go?

Anyway thanks for a great forum. I am learning a lot reading your posts.

DT

[Koukla]

Dear DT,

I met my army officer 5 months before a 13 month deployment which just came to an end in Feb. of 08'. I had never met a man as smart, kind, trustworthy, as well.

Our relationship was extremely good for the first 8 months into the deployemnt (Afghanistan). Then things went sour. I can tell you one thing I learned from this experience. Do not wait to tell him how you feel, at any time. He might not want to hear it, or be able to handle it, but you will regret it.

We broke it off last Tuesday and I never had the opportuniy to say all I had to express. At the end, I feel that I have no one to share the glory and pain of the 13 month deployment I shared with him. Do not let things go, share with him. You do not want to lose the communication between you.

During a deployment, every soldier changes, every family member at home, changes. If he is the right man, you will be the first one he runs to, you will be there to greet him.

Put yourself first, because he will put the military first.

Demand the best. Does he deserve you? I am sure you have been waiting for an incredible man....but, being a soldier does not make him man. You, as the loved one at home, will be doing the hardest job in the military. Remember that.

I do believe that if he is the right one for you- you will grow and become closer through this deployment.

I will pray for you, and listen, 35 is young! Do not focus on your age. You have many years ahead to find the right man and have a family.

[AFGirl]

My guy is leaving for a 4 month deployment in Kuwait this Sunday. We've been spending every second we can together before he leaves and enjoying each other's company very much.

Since we learned of his deployment, however, he has said that he doesnt think we should be officially together while he is gone. I have continued to disagree, saying that I am strong enough to stay here at home and wait for him. I love and respect the man more than he understands.

This past weekend, however, he had read some text messages in my phone that male friends sent me that he did not approve of. I am not, nor would I ever think of even having feelings for anyone else but him. As a result, he has removed our official relationship status, but continued to act the same as before.

Do you think he has done this as a prep for his deployment? I don't know what to think...

[Koukla]

AFGirl,

I truly believe you "love and respect this man more than he understands", it is undeniable, your actions speak clearly, loudly. My question to you is, is he returning the same love and respect? You should know that he wants to keep you close as possible and can't wait to return home to you.

I am not an expert in relationships, but have been in your shoes. It is natural to push away from each other before a deployment, to pick fights. Sounds like a bit of this is going on between you. At the same time, you need to put yourself first. You are willing to wait for him but he is telling you he is not. He is saying don't wait for me. This is a BIG concern, a RED flag. When a man loves a woman he will hold on to her, deployment or not. He is in the military because he choses to be, it is a job, just as important as a teacher, plumber, doctor, or designer. My advice is keep him accountable as a man on all levels.

Four months is not a long time at all. Why wouldn't he want you to wait? Military couples, married or not, get through 15 months.

I realize I am the realist here. I speak through experience. Love and respect is something earned, not given because someone's a soldier. You can be a great warrior but not so hot of a husband/boyfriend. Understand this. It is so easy to give all the benefit of the doubt to these soldiers, especially at a time of war.

Take care and don't stop striving for your best. There are many awesome, loving, smart, kind men out there! Go for your dreams, work hard and surround yourself with incrdible family and friends. The next 4 months will fly by!

Koukla

[Sarah]

AF girl
I agree with Koukla, it is very important to focus on yourself, and 4 months is no reason to end it. If he is the one he will write you as much as possible, call if he can and want to know just as much about your life as you do his. No relationship should be one-sided where you are begging for attention. Follow your heart on this one. What do your gut instincts tell you?
Good luck and be strong,
Sarah

[AFGirl]

Thank ladies! I really do believe that he was simply getting nervous before he was scheduled to leave. We barely skipped a beat after our "argument" and spent the last of his days before deployment together and happy. He's in route to Kuwait as I type. Yesterday, he called at every stop and sounded very excited about what he's about to do.

I do agree, no woman should ever beg for attention. Relationships are not supposed to be one sided and definitely not that difficult. I refuse to put myself in a relationship with that much diffuculty. They are supposed to add to our lives, not take away. I do, however, realize that a military life-style is not an easy one....but I also believe that nothing worthwhile is. : - )

Thanks again for your support. This website has shown me that I'm not alone. There are other women out there who have been through, and are going through the same things that I am.

[Koukla]

Hey AFGril,

You sound strong and happy. I am so glad that things are settling in with you. Keep him close! Email him every morning- even if it is just a hello, I love you.

I wish all your shared dreams come true. He is a very special guy...and very lucky to have you. I am sure he feels this.

It is a tough place for a soldiers to be today, deployment after deployment. They need to stay connected to the reality of life's incredibly special offerings, like love, family, marriage. With this I say, keep yourselves strong in eachother's hearts.

[Lou]

I just stumbled across this site while trying to get some sleep....I had just drifted off and the phone rang, of course I was thrilled to hear my best friends voice on the other end of the phone! I'm not sure what to say, I'm feeling lonely right now, it's been just under a month since he left for Iraq...I have been really proud of myself, he's thanked me numerous times for being the one thing he can count on to be strong and supportive of him, which makes me feel good because I do try my best.

I've been spoiled, he has a position where he's at a desk, with a phone line (we both have DSN lines for work), email, and we've spoken or emailed nearly every day, which I know is no where near the norm for most, so I feel bad even posting on here. I feel like I'm wrong to feel lonely when I do get to have so much communication with him...though it is the first time I have ever been through this, we've been together about a year and a half now.

So all that said, I've enjoyed reading all your posts, and am compiling lists of things to send him and his guys and gals... suggestions welcome, the BX where he's at is amazing and I've sent some snacks of the non-melting variety and letters but always looking for new ideas :)

I do feel better now, after typing that all out. I hope that all of you get the chance to hear from your significant others soon, that email or phone call is just the best feeling next to seeing them. I pray for all of you to have strength and courage, and I thank you for giving me something to read and respond to.

<3, Lou

[Koukla]

I came back because I was curious. Hey Lou- you will really like this site. I hope more significant others join the conversation and create feedback for you.

I love the fact that you refer to him as your best friend...as you should!

You sound solid- awesome- you will get through this with great communication and grow closer....just my intuition :).

[Danielle]

This site is amazing. I'm currently an ARMY girlfriend and an Airman (woman) myself. I've been pushing through my boyfriends basic training and this site offers so much encouragement. It just makes me realize that this is something i need to get used to, because there are a lot harder things that our relationship will be going through such as his deployments, my basic training and my possible/eventaul deployments. Being a military significant other or wife is a completley different experience than any other relationship as a civilian and it's a rewarding one. Even though the distance is a sacrifice, the wait is always worth it, it brings you closer and you know what they say...absence makes the heart grow fonder which is definetly true in the case of military families and relationships all over this world. I give so much credit and respect for being able to make it through these situations. If you can make it through this... you can make it through anything. :)

[Danielle]

I am a "Significant Other" and I was overjoyed to find this site. I only wish I had found it earlier. My fiancee is stationed in S. Korea until Nov. 30 and I think that this site could have helped me get through this alot easier. Ive been with him since the middle of high school and right out of high school he left for basic, then he went on to Korea. This past year hasnt been easy in the least, we have fought more this past year than ever before. but we made it through and now the next hurdle is coming up..
When he is deployed next summer, I sincerely hope I can find as much strength as you all have. I dont know how you do it, Ive been worried sick every minute of every day for a year now and he hasnt even been in any real danger. I think all of you should be considered the real heros here.