Preparing our kids for separation

My question for this post: How do you prepare your children for separation (deployments, TDY, weekend trainings, etc)?

We have talked a lot about deployments and reintegration here on SB, but I wonder how other milspouses prepare their children when a parent has to "go away" for a period of time.  I think this is important due to my own "lessons learned" with my kids, as well as helping other milspouses prepare their children.  Especially new spouses, or spouses who have kids that are "at the age" where some preparation needs to be done.  We're all different and do things our own ways, but your "way of doing things" may help another milspouse.  So, please share your experiences.

When DH deployed to Iraq we told our kids a few months before he was due to leave.  They were quite young (1 1/2 and 4 1/2 years old), but we didn't know what to expect (from the kids) when DH did deploy.  We showed the kids a couple of different maps and pointed out where we were and where DH would be.  We tried to explain what DH would be doing (i.e. helping the people of Iraq, keeping them safe, making sure the "bad guys" went to "jail" where they belonged, etc.).  We openly talked about the deployment - we didn't hide it from them or tell them last minute.

After DH was wounded and he and I spent MANY months away from the kids, we realized they need to be "prepped" for ALL separations, even if I am staying home and it's just DH who is leaving.  My kids are 7 and 4 now.  They get VERY upset when we aren't home and they think we should be (i.e. late from work).  It really screws up their routine. 

Even though DH is currently in a non-deployable assignment, he is gone A LOT of weekends.  We usually tell the kids a day or two before: where DH is going and why, when he is leaving and is due home, etc.  It gives them (and me) some peace of mind. 

My 4-yr.-old daughter often asks, "Why does the Army need Daddy to go ______?" 

Me: "It's part of is job, sweetie."

Daughter: "When is he going to get a new job?"

Me: "When the Army no longer needs him or when Daddy is ready to get out of the Army."

It's interesting, to me, what goes through the minds of my kids with all of this "Army stuff."  We do our best to prepare them... and adjust accordingly.  Not always easy...

Comments

[AR]

The last time my husband was suppose to deploy, I made my kids a book about where he was going. We had a calendar that said about how long he'd been gone, maps of where he was going, things we could send him, things we'd do while he was gone etc. I gave my sons a digital camera to share so they could take pictures and send them to my husband.

My oldest asked me if daddy was going to die and I told him I didn't know. We've had the everyone dies at some point talk already. We talked about what we would do if that happened. We talked about how it probably wouldn't happen and we can't worry about it because worrying just makes us feel bad.

[MO]

My girls are 11, 8 & 9. We told them about the deployment, we told them how long he would be gone etc. We deal with questions they have when they come. Their school offers Club USA for children of deployed parents. I think it helps for them to go and listen to other children going through the same things that they are. Which is a big reason I drive them to school on post. This being our first deployment I wanted them around other children & teachers who understand the unique emotions these children go through. So they know they are not alone.

[Sly2017]

We've known for a year that this recently completed PCS would result in an immediate deployment for MH. It's been part and parcel to any conversation with "She-Who-Has-No-Off-Button" ever since we made the to decision to stay in and accept orders to a new base. We don't treat it as anything special or different, because it's not. It's what MH does. He's a Marine. They deploy, they go to war, they come home -- or not. Either way, it is what it is, and you deal with the "What ifs..." if and when you need to. We treat it as normal because it is. To treat it as other adds a level of anxiety that is neither necessary nor wanted. Worry, however uncontrollable, is still a waste of energy. I have enough on my plate and barely enough energy as it is somedays, I don't need to waste energy worrying about something I can't change.

[Vypergirl]

We started telling them about a month prior that daddy was going to be gone for ahwile and that he was going to help fight the "bad guys". I still get questions everyday about what is going to happen to us if daddy is killed or injured. I always tell them that we will be ok no matter what, even though we would be sad for awhile if that happened. I think trying to explain all the other emotions at this point would be over the top and that they would just worry more. His current deployment is the first one he has been on since Iraq and the kids were only 1 and 3 then. They didn't really understand. Now they are 4 and 6 and they get it. Mostly I just deal with it when it comes up.

[vertigoswife]

I'm not quite sure how you all do deployments, TDY with kids. Unfortunately the fact that my husband was home less than a year after a 12 month deployment and is now in the begining of a 15 month deployment is the reason we're not having kids. Kudos to those of you who can do it. i have the most respect for you all.

[wendy]

We are getting ready for a deployment and for our family (4 kids from 13 years down to preschool) we don't do all that much preparation. We don't hide it, but we also don't sit around talking about it all the time, either.

We'll have a family picture done before he goes. And we'll frame a few more photos of dad with each kid-o. I want some with him in uniform. He'll record himself reading to the kids and singing kids songs so that he can "tuck them in" each night while he's gone.

I remember hearing from a good friend that "how goes the Mom - goes the kid" or something like that. Meaning if Mom is confident and secure, the kids will mostly sail smooth through the deployment, but if Mom is a mess the kids will be, too. So I try my best to not be a mess!

I'm looking forward to hearing more of your great tips!

[Mel]

My daughter is almost 3 and Duckhunter deployed 5 months ago.

As a military family BC (before children) Duckhunter and I spent a lot of time apart TDY for him in the Army and then me for my civilian job. But we also knew that we wanted to ensure that our children would be comfortable with a grandparent if we went a way for a few days.

I started for myself being able to leave early on with overnight trips once a month for my job for which I was telecommunting at the time. It did make separation easier for me and having the confidence Duckhunter would survive. And he did the same.

Then we PCSed and knew we'd have a deployment as soon as he came out of the job he was assigned here to do. So we took a couple of 2 - 5 day trips w/o dd so she was comfortable with grandma or grandpa.

When it came time for the deployment we spent a lot of time together as a family - hiking, sleeping in, Mel-daughter time, Duckhunter-daughter time, and a couple of great vacations to SeaWorld and to Wymoing right before he left.

About 1 month prior to leaving, we told daughter that Duckhunter was going to Iraq to help mommmies, daddies and kids who needed help. Pulled out the map and used the Sesame Street DVD "Talk, Listen, Connect: Helping Families Cope with Military Deployment" video which got the conept to her.

i immediately got those photos processed and after he left daughter and I laminated a couple of her favorite photos and put them on her wall. She sleeps with one each time.

Duckhunter made book videos we watched and also sends her an email with possible with photos of what little bit of animals exist in Iraq. He also sents a series of emails wsince he travels around a lot I have coined "Duckhunter and Monkey Adventures" on my blog. He sent her one to match his.

Overall, we enjoyed our time as as much as we could as a family before he deployed. I have taken a sabbatical from working while Duckhunter is gone and daughter I took off for 4 months traveling visiting family in the US. Now we are back home for the remainder of the tour and she is in Montessori school to keep keep her social calendar filled and I am working on purging the house since we will PCS upon his return. But I enjoy the days with her, we say our prayers each night for Duckhunter and colleagues and openly talk about Duckhunter being gone. She asks how much longer and based off that she will say In X months, Mommy, Daddy and me will do this or that."

For me, I have also taken a couple of indivdual trips for sanity sake and agree with Wendy above - if Mom is doing ok, the kids are ok. I notice that when I have an off day, daughter has one. When I am on top of it, she is having a great day. (Sorry for the long input)

[m]

My husband is NG. The kids were used to him drilling and AT before the deployment. Their biggest issue was actually his civilian job, because he worked 3rd shift for a while and had to miss many of their activities.

We told the kids about the deployment not long after the orders came down. They were 4 and 6 at the time. Whatever they asked we tried to answer in a way that wouldn't upset them. Whenever the news mentioned Iraq/Afghanistan I always switched the station but that had always been SOP anyway.

It was actually tougher after he came home, because any time he was out of the room or if he just left the house to get a gallon of milk at the store they would flip out. They've gotten better at handling separation since but they still don't like it when they think he's gone too long.

Homeschooling was the smartest thing we did during the deployment. It kept us sane and when there were meltdowns it was easier to deal with than it would have been for civilians at school.

Unfortunately there wasn't much support from the FRG/FAC because of the politics and the rear det co, and the unit families were spread out so we didn't have too much interaction with other people going through the same thing. I wish there had more support through military channels, as the civilian community around here is pretty clueless to the challenges of deployed families. If it's available to you, use it. It just might be a lifeline for you.

Just be honest with the kids but don't give them anything they can't handle. Brief them on family opsec. Other than that, just try to keep a normal routine and communicate with your soldier/sailor/Coastie/Marine/airman as much as you can.

Looking back I wish I hadn't cried so much in front of the kids, but that was hard to do sometimes.

[m]

My husband is NG. The kids were used to him drilling and AT before the deployment. Their biggest issue was actually his civilian job, because he worked 3rd shift for a while and had to miss many of their activities.

We told the kids about the deployment not long after the orders came down. They were 4 and 6 at the time. Whatever they asked we tried to answer in a way that wouldn't upset them. Whenever the news mentioned Iraq/Afghanistan I always switched the station but that had always been SOP anyway.

It was actually tougher after he came home, because any time he was out of the room or if he just left the house to get a gallon of milk at the store they would flip out. They've gotten better at handling separation since but they still don't like it when they think he's gone too long.

Homeschooling was the smartest thing we did during the deployment. It kept us sane and when there were meltdowns it was easier to deal with than it would have been for civilians at school.

Unfortunately there wasn't much support from the FRG/FAC because of the politics and the rear det co, and the unit families were spread out so we didn't have too much interaction with other people going through the same thing. I wish there had more support through military channels, as the civilian community around here is pretty clueless to the challenges of deployed families. If it's available to you, use it. It just might be a lifeline for you.

Just be honest with the kids but don't give them anything they can't handle. Brief them on family opsec. Other than that, just try to keep a normal routine and communicate with your soldier/sailor/Coastie/Marine/airman as much as you can.

Looking back I wish I hadn't cried so much in front of the kids, but that was hard to do sometimes.

[dizzylizzie]

when our son was 3 DH deployed and we told him daddy had to go "Big bye byes" and we counted how many 'sleeps' until he came home. Big Boy is 8 now and DH will be home from his 3rd deployment in about 6 weeks. now of course as he has gotten older we have told him that daddy has an important mission to go do and help the people in iraq so they can learn to help themselves.
our daughter was just 3 months old when he left on this deployment so i keep a picture of dad as my desktop wallpaper and each day we say goodmorning and goodnight to daddys picture. again, used the daddy big byebye but at almost 18 months now, she doesnt really know what that means. i'm sure it will be a big adjustment for her when he comes home. "dad! how'd you get out of the square box?!" LOL!

[Cassandra]

This is very interesting.

I find I completely agree with Sly.

My husband is a Marine but I grew up in a Navy family. My Dad was in Vietnam and spent many long months at sea during my growing up years, so both war and long separations were nothing new to me.

I never did much with my boys up front. My philosophy was much like Sly's: this is Daddy's job. If Mom takes it in stride, there is no reason for the boys to worry or feel slighted because he is gone. Certainly we talked about it, and certainly I watched them carefully for signs that they were missing him or worried about him. But I didn't do much proactively because I firmly believe in not *borrowing* trouble. Children watch their parents for clues on how to handle major life events. If you are constantly telling them by your behavior that they are supposed to be stressed out by a deployment, or that acting out is understandable, they will be stressed out. On the otter heiny, if you show them that yes, deployments have their down side (after all, Daddy is gone) but he is doing something the whole family can be proud of, then they tend to buck up and concentrate on the positive side, and the time passes quickly. I think the younger they are, the less they ought to be told.

I remember hearing from a good friend that "how goes the Mom - goes the kid" or something like that. Meaning if Mom is confident and secure, the kids will mostly sail smooth through the deployment, but if Mom is a mess the kids will be, too.

So true, Wendy. My Mom is a gentle soul and such a worrier, but she was a tower of strength when my Dad was in Vietnam. I owe everything to her sterling example. She never let her secret fears touch my brother and I and so we had a relatively care-free childhood. I bless her for that - whatever bothered her in the quiet hours of the night, she gave to God and we never knew it. Instead, we grew up full of pride in our Dad, who was a hero in his big grey battleship off fighting the bad guys!

What a hoot :)

[Cassandra]

I have a question to pose to the group, because it is something I have often wondered about, and my perspective is probably different than many people's, since I grew up in the military, and moreover in a climate where little or no command support for families was available or expected. Very different from today.

Do you think all the support groups (family readiness, deployment outbriefs, etc) are helpful to you in coping with deployments?

If yes, in what ways?

If no, why not?

I will be up front. My husband is an individual augment. He is in Iraq for a year, and I often hear people say they are upset about the lack of support. This surprises me, because we have so many more options today than were available when my kids where young, or in my mother's day.

When my husband left, there was absolutely no support whatsoever either for him or for me as a spouse. No pre-deployment out brief, no command support, nothing. There is really no command presence at all - you are completely isolated.

Now this really does not bother me one bit. In fact, in many ways it makes it easier for me to deal with his absence because I just go about my business. The only part that is hard at all was the realization, shortly after he left, that I had no idea where he was or how to contact him if something happened. But I am resourceful and he had left me with a few names of Marines I could call if I got into trouble who would help me track him down because he is a good man and loves me.

Anyway, what do you think? And what do you think is a reasonable expectation on the part of military families?

[Cassandra]

...and actually I should clarify that. I think he had to go to some briefs before he left to get his paperwork in order (will, POA, living will, etc). It was just different from what an entire unit does when they deploy b/c obviously they are not going to roll out family services for one dude :p And let me make it very clear that I would not have expected them to!

[SeabeeSeniorWife]

Cassandra, I can only speak for myself but as the wife of a reservist, I was surprised at how little support the NOSC provided to the 8 men that left with my husband from his unit. We had a one hour brief on deployment day and then we get a follow up postcard from center ombudsman once a month. There is no support system for families/wives to get together and help each other. Personally, I thought I was well prepared for the deployment until they switched my husband location from a secured base in Iraq to a primitive FOB in Iraq four days prior to leaving. Then we received one phone call when they made it to Kuwait and then one e-mail over the next month from their location in Iraq. Two months into deployment, communications improved but it was nothing at first. We are located in a non-military area and there are no bases anywhere near here.

I realize that we are spoiled today by the immediate communications most have with their loved ones in Iraq. But when you don't have it and then realize you have no idea who to call or talk to for help/support, that's when I think you feel isolated and alone. I have no access to any of the other wives. I have no idea how they are doing or if they need help. I can only pray that if they really needed help, they would call the center ombudsman, if they can even find his last postcard with number.

I think there are some, like you, that are very strong and resourceful. I think maybe because you have a good family support system with a military mind set, you are very fortunate. There are many of us will weak family support systems and those around us that ask the most stupid of questions about the deployment. I can't tell you how many times my own family has said to me (in front of my teenage daughter) mind you. "Well, I'm sure he'll be fine and when he gets back he can just get out of the reserves, right". Or the even better ones share their political viewpoint with me about how wrong it is that we are even in this war and that we are accomplishing nothing over there.

Sorry, I'm just rambling on now. The short answer to your question should have been, No, we received little to no support and Yes, we would really have appreciated more. Thanks for listening to my rambling!! :)

[phyllis]

This is my husbands second deployment. The first one had multiple meetings with introductions and 5 of us in the area banded together. The FRG did do some stuff; 3 hours away. They were ok. This one is awful. One meeting no one attended and a disfunctional FRG. I did manage to meet a friend we support each other. I do feel a little stranded a military wife in the middle of civilians with no honor.

[phyllis]

I forgot, it drives me crazy when people talk bad about the war in front of me or the kids. I feel like asking them so your telling me my dh is not a hero and he is waisting his time away from his family. I am proud of him; but I do miss him terribly. He is a NG. I do get help from my parents and a very nice neighbor. This makes it possible to survive.

[Cassandra]

I wish I'd gotten back to this sooner. I can (actually) address the Reserve side of the house somewhat, although from a Marine perspective only. My husband had a Marine reserve bn. He was the I&I (the active duty commander advisor to the Reserve commander). As such, he is there FT but is not the actual commander.

Boy is that frustrating, but you know that going in.

Bottom line: it is the Reserve commander's job to establish family support in accordance with the service guidelines. I know that we went through hell trying to establish a FSupport system unofficially, but if the Reserve cdr and staff aren't on board with it, you are pushing a rock up hill. And frankly it was very hard to get Reserve families to volunteer to man it - everyone was very enthusiastic in principle... but in practice the execution was lacking. The active duty staff volunteered, but if the unit deployed, they weren't going! That was frustrating b/c I knew the BN would deploy eventually and the support would not be there (and very likely, neither would I). But, you do what you can. I think a very big part of the problem is that no one sees the need until it's too late, and then... it's too late.

We left the structure in place and had people thinking about it and meeting. I never did hear whether it fell apart after we left.

And I agree with Phyllis, the FRG/FRO is key to making it work.