Ours

I've had this conversation often enough that my head no longer spins around like I'm demon possessed.  I've also have many reactions to it, ranging from sudden understanding to complete and angry denials and a decision that I need to be "schooled" on the matter.

And it all starts when people ask what I "do" and I say, "We're Air Force."

Notice I don't say, "We're in the Air Force."  That's because I am not, my husband is.  He signed his life to Uncle Sam, I just married him.  But we are Air Force.  If that makes any sense - it doesn't sink in to a lot of people.

I move, too.  And let's just say that our stationings haven't all been glamorous and jet-setty (and notice I said "our" stationings, but I'll get back to that later). 

I don't deploy, but I muddle my way through deployments thousands of miles from family and people I know, taking care of all the boring and mundane tasks that keep my husband able to deploy with a clear and focused mind.

With the help of the correct power-of-attorney (and this takes trial and error, because you might be horrified to know that that standard POA the base issues you is NOT the right one) I've solved pay problems, successfully challenged an incorrect payment for TDY, and settled my crazy Mother-in-Law's house and effects so she could enter into a nursing home.

I follow base rules, join base organizations, take food to new mothers, babysit in emergencies, act as an impromptu counselor for my fellow spouses (and some active duty), and I stand with my hand over my heart at 5:00 when the National Anthem plays.

*WE* most certainly are Air Force.

There is not much counterpart for this in the civilian world (other than the police and fire-fighters, but for some reason I never think of them as civilians), and I think that is where the problem comes in.   Being a military family is an occupation in and of itself, with all the attendant (and unpaid!) responsibilities of a position on the GS scale.  More than some, in fact.  Let's face it, although it might make the workplace a more pleasant environment, there just isn't as much riding on the cookies that the wife of a Barnes and Noble manager might send in for the weekly staff meetings. 

There are those that I've spoken to who have taken it as a personal affront that I consider my role as a military family member to be a part of my husband's career.  And it is his career (not mine) - but it is also my life.

"You mean your HUSBAND is in the Air Force."

"Yes.  And I'm Air Force, too."

"Are you on active duty?"

"No, I'm a spouse."

"Do you work for the military?"

"Yes, and I don't get paid."

My husband finds this whole issue very funny.  He had one encounter where someone called him on the phrase, "We were stationed at..."

"You mean YOU were stationed."

"Well, you know, my wife did have to move there, too."

Yes, move there.  And do base clean up there, and counsel other military spouses there, and bake for people who have had babies or been sick there, crochet blankets for newborns there, babysit there, and support my husband in all he did there.

So I do think that gives me the right to say, "We're Air Force."

*UPDATE:  there have been some questions about the whole Power of Attorney issue.  Luckily, it's a subject SpouseBUZZ has visited in the past!  Although you need to check with your base Legal Office for specifics to your own situation, you can read up on the subject more here.

Comments

[Sarah]

Wow, I can't believe someone would argue this detail with you. Sad. That's how I answer the "what do you do?" question too.

One of my husband's best friends got out of the Army recently and started working for the same company my father works for. We had a good chuckle when I said, "I can have your wife talk to my mother to learn the ropes of being a Carrier Air Conditioning Wife." Ha. I don't ever remember my mom having a "Wife: the hardest job in air conditioning" bumper sticker :) I don't think it translates to the civilian world.

My husband and I have lots of military jokes in our house. Most wives are known as the Household6, right? But I'm definitely the 7; I *work* for a living :) And my husband always says he's going to put me in for the Combat Wifeing Badge. Both of us live, breathe, eat, sleep Army. So WE are Army.

[FbL]

"Let's face it, although it might make the workplace a more pleasant environment, there just isn't as much riding on the cookies that the wife of a Barnes and Noble manager might send in for the weekly staff meetings."

LOL! Though it of course lacks the physical danger that overshadows everything, a pastor's family deals with many similar things--frequent moves (at least in my denomination), high visibility, family activities reflect on dad, crazy hours (never really "off"), etc. And so we were a "Pastor's Family" and I was a "Pastor's Kid," both of whom are never mistaken for "one of us" in others' eyes.

But I think I understand that "We are Air Force" thing. I work with a number of very young military wives. I find it fascinating and somewhat dismaying how few of them see their husbands' careers as a partnership, how few realize that their support (or lack thereof) for him can impact his career and even his safety. Fortunately, there are a few who have their heads on straight. But it's amazing how many think that his work is "just a job" and get downright hostile at the idea that they themselves have any connection to the military. I'm sure some fear being their identity being subsumed into his career, but I can't see how being so separate from it can be a good thing, either.

[Marine Wife]

Maybe it's easier to separate yourself when you haven't been in the life very long. But it seems to me that eventually the military permeates everything about your life. Like anything else, it has its pros and cons. And you know what? I wouldn't trade it for anything, despite everything!

[airforcewife]

Sarah, LOL @ the air conditioner wife sticker! That kills me!

FbL, I agree that pastor's families are some of the few civilian occupations that have an "unpaid family bonus" as a part of the job requirement. A lot of the same issues - a standard of behavior that is expected no matter what "everyone else" is doing, community participation... Pastor's wife cookies count, too! :)

But yes, believe it or not I've actually had the "what do I do" conversation several times where I've been gently "corrected" about my claim to being Air Force. Even corrected by an active duty member! I have a tendency to just start talking to people anywhere, so maybe that's why I've run into the reaction more than most.

[Pattie]

I am horrified about the POA. Could you email me with more information, please? We're near the end of his first deployment in our first year of active duty and your comment about POA is quite unnerving to me. Please help. :-)Thanks.

[(army) wife]

Could you give more information on the POA? We're preparing for a 2nd deployment and the more information we have to make this go as smoothly as possible the better. Thanks!

[SFC D]

Great post! My and I fir that category, WE are Army. On the POA subject, many places will not accept a General Power of Attorney, my guess is to prevent abuse. they require a Specific. I had to provide Specific POA's for vehicle registration and the IRS. The IRS POA is simple to get, your local JAG has it, takes about 5 minutes to fill out.

[Heather S.]

This post SO hit home for me. I get that response ALL the time. My husband and I decided not to re-up when his active duty contract was over so I say, "We decided to leave the army." When my husband was re-called, my life was turned topsy turvy and crazy (not to mention that I was homeless for some months). So, I say, "WE were re-called by the army." I also say, "We are going through a deployment right now."

But the reason that this post really hit home for me is that EVERY time that my husband's parents talk to me they ask me if I have or am looking for a job! EVERY TIME! I get so frustrated because they REALLY don't understand that I have a more than full-time job already. I'm not sitting around mooching off my husband and dining on lobster. I work hard to support him, to help the community, to volunteer with community organizations that support the troops, to be there when he calls, and to be able to drop everything the minute that he gets leave. I keep the household running. I'm in charge of keeping up relationships with his family. I counsel my family members. And I work hard to keep myself strong and healthy during this very stressful time. For me, that's enough. My in-laws completely don't seem to understand why I haven't gotten a "job!"

[Andi]

I don't even think twice, it's just natural to say, "We're Army." Haven't had any adverse reactions to that yet. It's a term that just fits perfectly.

[mismysailor]

I never say I'm in the Navy. I do say we're a Navy family or we've been stationed here or there but to say I'm in the Navy to me means I leave my family for months at a time, sleep in a coffin rack on a ship, I stand in line 2 hrs for crappy food or all the other things that being in the Military means. I understand where you're coming from but when people ask what I do I say I work at a bank. I send the packages when he's away and do the other spouse stuff that most of us do but I'm not in the Navy. It’s not just a job but it’s not my job at all.

[Robbo]

Great post. How many are in this siuation: stay-at-home dad (or mom) and Reservist in a different service than your active-duty spouse?

I'm a Marine, so I never say "we're Navy," even though our family goes where the Navy tells us.

As a Reservist, it's common to ask each other "what do you do?" since most everyone has a civilian job, too. My answer is usually, "raise our two boys," or an ironic, "I'm a Navy Dependent." And since I'm a guy, it usually gets a chuckle.

[Jan Wesner]

You know, I never really thought about it until I read this post, but I have never once in my life said "We're Army." Before I started blogging, I rarely even called myself a "military spouse" or an "Army wife."

If people ask why we've moved so much or something like that, I say "My husband's in the Army."

If they ask what I do, my answer depends on the situation and my current status. I will sometimes say "I stay at home with my two kids" or "I work at a newspaper" or something similar.

Butit never would occur to me to say "We're Army," nor would I want to.

I'm married to someone in the Army, but I don't feel at all like I'm in the Army, too.

http://blogs.tampabay.com/standingby/

[P]

Robbo- My older brother is an Army dependent who likes to refer to himself as a "kept man". You should consider trying that one the next time the Marines in your reserve unit ask what you "do" :) He's a six foot- something black belt who gets some interesting looks for the comment.

[Andi]

P - That's funny.

afw - Last night I was talking with a friend of mine about this very topic. She asked me had I ever been to a promotion ceremony where the husband (assuming he's married) didn't thank his wife, sing her praises and say he couldn't have done it without her love and support. No, come to think of it, I haven't. That's when she said, "there's a reason for that."

Yep, she's right.

[P]

Andi- Yes it is funny, but also a terribly disturbing thought at the same time. I mean, he's my older brother :)

[liberal army wife]

WE are Army. I'm moving- cause the Army said we are. I'm giving up a job - cause the Army said we are moving. When I was having surgery, the anaesthesiologist was Air Force Reserve. When the nurse helping me asked me something about my husband, I said "We're Army". She said no your husband is, and the AF Reservist said NO - THEY are Army... then he explained why there is that phrase and that he and his wife were Air Force. When an entity takes over your life to this extent, the word is WE. Marriage is a partnership and being Army means there are 3 in that partnership.

LAW

[liberal army wife]

One clarification. I don't say "I'm Army". I'll say "I'm a paralegal, an Army Wife, a grandma etc." BUT I will say WE are Army. Make sense???? If not... ah well, I'm trying to still make sense of the whole thing.

LAW

[airforcewife]

LAW, I think that the "3 in the partnership" quote hit the nail on the head.

YOU ROCK!

I did try to make the point above that I do not EVER say "I'm in the Air Force", because I'm not. Nor do I say, "I'm Air Force", because alone I am not. Alone I am a military spouse.

But together, WE are Air Force. Because it does take both of us.

And Robbo - you're cracking me up! The mental picture I have of a Marine telling people he's a Navy dependant is the best thing ever. I'll be smiling at that all day.

Between that and the black belt "kept man"... This is definately going to be a good day.

[Rick]

Ha, this is too sweet. My mom recently moved in with me and since she's been retired for a few years now and receives a portion of my dad's A.F. retirement she refer's to it as "Her A.F. retirement check". I had to think about this at first but having grown up a brat all around the world in the 60's & 70's and watching her support my dad and take care of us, ( 4 brats), in strange countries with limited resources and no family nearby to help or even counsel, as a quick call home to mom was not possible back then, I had decided she was right. After that, when I introduce my mom now I tell people she's "Retired air Force". And I can see she's proud of that. She's earned it, as ya'll are earning yours now. Bless you all.

[Navy Wife Wendy]

I myself don't recall ever saying "we're Navy", when someone asked me what I do. Having an identity away from the "military" is something I hadn't thought about till now, but I guess I have both sides. Im very involved in command things and other military related projects, however I still have a regular job and work with many people who have zero connection to the military. When I'm asked that question, I tell people what I do and if they ask about my husband......well then, I say "he's in the Navy".

[AmandaRodrgz]

This is mildly off topic but I thought you guys might want to check out the article posted on MSNBC about "The burden put on military families." and please tell me I am not the only one DISGUSTED by the spouse begging for sympathy.

Here is the link:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20822561/

[Melanie]

Great post! I enjoyed reading all the comments.

I always say "We're Air Force." I've only had a few people try to correct me, but since I'm a veteran myself I just laugh and tell them old habits die hard.