Re: You Want My Life?
August 16, 2007|
I just received an email from a civilian in response to my post below. I started to simply update the post, but then decided it would be best to devote an entire post to this email. I also thought I would get this post up now in case other civilians are reading, and have the same questions/concerns (sorry to hog the blog today).
Mrs. X had questions, and I assured her you would have answers. With the permission of Mrs. X, I'm publishing her email.
I am not a Military Wife, but I do read the SpouseBuzz blog. I am involved in Soldiers Angels, anysoldier.com etc in my support of the soldiers at war.
I tell you all of that b/c I do not want to be confused with the woman that emailed you after your "Wacky Civilians" post. I am sincere in asking my questions. Not being sarcastic or flippant in the least.
What is the best way for a civilian to respond to a military family? We have quite a few military families in our church. 2 men just returned from a 15 month deployment in Iraq . I know I have been guilty of saying to the wives that I don't know how they do it b/c I go crazy when my hubby is gone for a few days. However, I did say that I admire and respect them too. Now, I wonder if that is the wrong thing to say (not the admire and respect part, I'm sure they are okay, if not a little embarrassed with that).
Honestly, I just want to express my respect for their family and what they do for this country without offending them in some way. It feels like a tightrope and I guess what one woman would like hearing another wouldn't. But there has to be some things I can say that would be basically appropriate for most! LOL
It's like when my sister went through fertility issues. No matter what I said it was wrong~mostly b/c I am as fertile as a rabbit. She just wanted me to shut up and listen.
So, am I making any sense here? LOL I guess my main question is: what is the best thing to say/do when dealing with military families to express my support and respect?
I loved this email. First of all, I assured Mrs. X that nine times out of ten, military spouses will not take offense to civilians who engage us, no matter what they say (within reason). Even when they say, "I could never do what you do," we know better. We know that most of them could -- and would -- be able to function. After all, most of us were civilians before we were military spouses.
I was reminded of the time that I said something to a foreigner, something which was completely innocent, but later I learned it was a cultural no-no in his culture. He was gracious and didn't miss a step, and I'm sure he understood my intention wasn't to offend. Of course, later that evening, he belched loudly right in the middle of dinner. Something I wouldn't have done, but something that is a compliment to the chef elsewhere. I still laugh about that, and I'm sure he still laughs about my comment. So you see, there's nothing wrong with laughing about these things. It's all in good, not malicious, humor. Where would we be without humor?
I hope that civilians like Mrs. X aren't afraid to approach military families for fear of offending. The examples we've touched on here at SpouseBUZZ are humorous, and rare, and many times, we see the benefit to being asked questions. It gives us a chance to educate civilians about what our lives are really like, and that's an opportunity I love to take advantage of.
I suggested two things to Mrs. X. First, I suggested that she and her church plan a special function or dinner for the military families in their church. It's always lovely to have people go out of their way to thank us. I also told her that telling military families how much they are admired, along with a simple thank you, can go a long, long way. And, there is nothing wrong with saying, "I couldn't do what you do." I doubt most people would take that the wrong way. The point in my post was that rarely does anyone say they would want to trade lives with me, they usually just focus on the bitter part of this bittersweet life, but it's nice to hear someone go for the sweet part.
Mrs. X made my day - she cares about us.
So, what advice would you give Mrs. X on how she can best show her appreciation for military families?
Just saying thanks is fine and continuing any charitable activities involving the military is great as well. No need to walk on eggshells - we won't break (at least none of the spouses I know). I think sometimes people I know and work with are unsure of what to say or afraid to ask me about my husband's deployment and I always say "ask away, I'm not going to break down or lose it and I welcome questions." It's a way to let them know what it's like.
Posted by: Tracie (Navy wife) | 08/16/2007 at 16:39
How best to show appreciation?
Simple: Say so. Sincerely. Honestly. Without condescension or pity. There is no need to "empathize" in order to express appreciation.
Posted by: Sly2017 | 08/16/2007 at 16:51
"How best to show appreciation?
Simple: Say so. Sincerely. Honestly. Without condescension or pity. There is no need to "empathize" in order to express appreciation."
Well said. It really is that easy, and it makes a lasting impression.
Posted by: Andi | 08/16/2007 at 16:56
Well howdy Andi. I guess from my point of view, as a civilian, I tend to treat any military families I am around,...well, like family. My postition's a little unique being a PGR, and I do have a niece and nephew in the Air Force, but one thing I've found being around military families is that hugs and support are very welcome. ( Hey y'all, since Andi closed her blog, that means you're now gonna have to put up with me on occasion.) : )
Posted by: Solo | 08/16/2007 at 18:56
As you'll find out soon, Solo will be a great addition round these parts. He's fabulous...
"PGR" for those who may not know, is Patriot Guard Riders. See the link below for more info on this fine organization.
http://www.patriotguard.org/
Posted by: Andi | 08/16/2007 at 19:03
I agree with what everyone said about a simple thanks is enough. One of the best moments I've had since my husband deployed was when a woman at my local Toyota dealer took my hand in hers and looked me right in the eyes and said "Thank you for all you do."
And if Mrs. X wanted to do something a little extra, they could enlist their youth group to babysit every once in a while or some men from the church to do odd jobs for military families.
http://blogs.tampabay.com/standingby/
Posted by: Jan Wesner | 08/16/2007 at 20:43
I agree with alot of this you all say, but i kinda feel like i married my husband knowing what he does and i dont like it when people make a fuss about it when he is gone and say that they appreciate what i do. i feel that i just support him that is my duty to him. i feel he is the one that should get the praise for leaving everything behind.but a lot of times people want to go out of their way and he feels like its his job and it kind of embarasses im when people make a big fuss about him being gone or leaving he truly just appreciates the support and respect that most people give and so do i.
Posted by: kristy | 08/16/2007 at 22:18
Kristy...Ditto!!!
Posted by: Jewel | 08/16/2007 at 22:34
I noticed that during deployments I get a little forgotten about, most of the concentration is on my husband. Even family tends to do this (Probably unknowingly). They often forget the kids and I are going through this too. I would have loved to get a simple thinking about you, let me know if I can help card in the mail. The thought of someone else realizing how hard deployments can be comforting.
Posted by: Vicci Forguson | 08/17/2007 at 00:39
The best thing anyone has said to me was, "Thank you for all that you and your husband do." I also really appreciate any times that people take time to really listen. I do feel a lot of times like people feel uncomfortable if I talk about missing my husband while he is gone and then the listener tries to change the subject...I think to try to "cheer" me up. But I need to talk about him and to feel like he is still the center of my life...because for me, he is--always.
Incidentally, the two kindest things happened to me recently. I have some "Proud wife of a U.S. soldier" type magnets on my car. My brother borrowed my car the other day and came back to hand me a crumpled up piece of paper with a ten dollar bill in it. This had been placed on my windshield. The paper was a DQ coupon (awesome) that I will never use. I will never use it because the note on the back said, "Thank you for all of your sacrifice. Your hubby rocks!" signed with initials I did not know. This note is now right next to my ID in my wallet. I carry that evidence of support and love with me everywhere. It not only made my day...it made my year. Thank you, unknown civilian, for your extremely kind, unsolicitied, and sincere support and love.
Posted by: Heather S. | 08/17/2007 at 01:24
You all said a lot of good things. Today, I am feeling a bit like Vicci. Especially as a spouse without children. I think my own parents forget about me sometimes. :( Ultimately, this is why I blog.
Posted by: Butterfly Wife | 08/17/2007 at 08:10
Anyone interested in showing support for veterans, and who is interested in placing themselves on a support map that includes messages to deployed troops, PLEASE visit www.squidoo.com/usvia. The man who runs it, an Afghanistan vet, spends a lot of his free time updating this page in a continued effort to let the vets know they have incredible support.
There you'll find polls, a way to nominate someone you think has been exceptional in their show of troop support, and so much more.
There are NO solicitations for money made, and it's not a political page. It truly is all about friendly and energetic troop support.
I hope you'll visit it.
Kris
Posted by: Kristen | 08/17/2007 at 08:20
My husband also gets embarrassed at expressions of appreciation, as do I at times. His reason is that he doesn't do it for the thanks, like an earlier spouse said about both her husband and her (doing her duty towards him).
At the same time, I've had wives tell me their husband has never been thanked by others & it would mean the world to him, though they might be embarrassed also. It's important to say. Even if they do feel humble about their job, everyone feels encouraged when someone notices a job well done. Everyone appreciates a sacrifice acknowledged.
Posted by: jras | 08/17/2007 at 15:40
I am always overwhelmed and humbled by the generosity of people toward my family while my husband is deployed. They always ask how he's doing, how my daughter and I are doing? They are awesome. Even people I don't really know but who have heard my husband is deployed, will come up to me and offer their support. As I told one such woman who said she was thankful for people like my husband who were willing to serve our country; it's because of good, caring people like her that my husband is willing to sacrifice for our great country.
I also want to send a thank you out to a woman in front of me in line at the post office last week. I was mailing two care packages to my husband and his friend and we were talking about the packages while we waited. She went to the counter and did her business, wished me well and then told the postman to put her change toward my packages. It was enough to cover the cost of sending one of the packages. I was blown away by this random act of kindness. I got so teary eyed that I think I embarrassed the postman at the counter. All I can say is God Bless that woman and thank you to her.
Posted by: SeabeeSeniorWife | 08/17/2007 at 23:56
SeabeeSeniorWife - that's a great story!
Posted by: Andi | 08/18/2007 at 09:19
Heather- i dont know if you have seen them or be interested but they have t-shirts that say proud us army wife and my husband defend freedom is the us army. i read your comments and saw that you had that sticker i got my shirt am our px before we moved and wear them at least twice a week.
Posted by: Kristy | 08/19/2007 at 21:49
I am a new military spouse and my husband is being deployed in Iraq. This is also my first time reading your blogs and I see that receiving warm concerns and supports from people around you really help you to deal with your separation sometimes. The problem is I am dealing with the separation pretty much all by myself because not many people know that my husband is deployed and I do not advertize it either. It's one of the reasons I am reading your blogs ...
Posted by: Han | 08/21/2007 at 13:19
It is always nice to hear thank u! My hubby has been deployed most of the 5 yrs we have been married...i know it is worth is when some complete stranger comes up and says "thank u and thank ur husband", bc they see the "1/2 my heart" sticker. To all civilians reading thank u for the acknowledgement!
Posted by: Brandy | 08/21/2007 at 21:47
Han- i have only known about this site for a coupe of weeks but i have found that any proble or concern that you have you can post and someone will respond back and it is always positive. it has helped me with my husbands deployement. only my family and close friends knew my husband was deployed we dont advertise it either we dont really want people to pitty us. him for going over there and me for being without him. but on here its not like that it really just support it kind of feels like close friends even though i dont know any of these people personally i feel close to them. on this blog you can say what you think and how you feel and you get a warm welcome. dont feel like just because you are new you cant ask questions or voice opinons because it really helps and you get good advice and everyone is kinda in the same situation so its not advertising it and you have some support. i know if you need any support you can always email me or anyone for that matter is welcom to email me masterk017@yahoo.com
Posted by: kristy | 08/23/2007 at 00:07
Han - We're thrilled to have you around here, and we hope we're able to help you get through the deployment.
As Kristy said, don't hesitate to ask a question or join in on the discussion.
Posted by: Andi | 08/23/2007 at 08:11
Mrs. X said that 2 people came back recently from Iraq. I think your idea of having a dinner for the military families is a good one but it would be extra special to honor the 2 people who came back at the dinner and ask them what the church can do for them (or others that are still overseas). Maybe they could make up a "coupon book" for babysitting services if they have children, to let the husband and wife have an afternoon or evening to reaquaint themselves with each other. Very important after a 15 month separation!
Posted by: Darlene Tipton | 08/25/2007 at 23:55
I dont want to drag this on, Im not sure if this is even the right place to be displaying my story. I've been married to my husband retired Army for 27 yrs. When we met he had just become medicaly retired. I never experienced the pain, loss, lonelyness & worry that you all have. My problem began years ago. We havent seperated in the terms of living under the same roof. In every other way we have. 1 yr ago I met an Army Srg. who had just returned from his 2nd ture in Iraq.(15 months). When he returned his wife met him with " I don't love you any more I'm with your best friend & want a divorce" Within a few months she had her own place. He was and still is devistated, they have been married 30yrs. He has now thrown every second of his life into the Military. We have become close friends. Maybe my feelings are stronger. I have so much respect for the pride he has in what he does. Am I wrong for thinking he should take a min for himself once in a while? The last few months all he has talked about is trying to get deployed a 3rd time. Of course I have been upset when I think of him leaving. He was hurt the last time he was there. Now this is where the major problem comes in. 2 weeks ago after only having a motorcycle 2 months, he was in a serious accident. Many broken bones including his back. I want to be by his side help anyway I can. It seems that the nearly ex wife has been going by to see him. I'm not a home wreaker if thats what he wants he has my prayers. He has told me from the beginning she only wants money. I don't know her and I'm not one to judge. I am hurt, angry and scared for him. He won't let me see him at all! We have spoke twice since the accident. He won't return calls, emails or text messages.Should I stay away and just pray for him? I do love him. He has a long road of recovery ahead. I would be there every step of the way. With him being so into what he does (in the Military) he has the attitude he can do things without help. It's different then being with a civilian man. As for my husband, we are divorcing not because of this situation it's just time. Please anyone help me decide what is best for him & I. I'm so worried about his condition.
Posted by: Sandy | 01/08/2008 at 01:35
Ahh the military life huh? That sure can be tough, and the military life can added stress to any marriage.
If you or anyone ever need support because you may be heading down the road called divorce, swing by our web site Divorce Recovery Suite. There's a live chat where you can speak with others going through divorces. Stop and say hello!
Posted by: ThomasM | 09/27/2008 at 20:14
Ahh the military life huh? That sure can be tough, and the military life can added stress to any marriage.
If you or anyone ever need support because you may be heading down the road called divorce, swing by our web site Divorce Recovery Suite. There's a live chat where you can speak with others going through divorces. Stop and say hello!
Posted by: ThomasM | 09/27/2008 at 20:15
Ahh the military life huh? That sure can be tough, and the military life can added stress to any marriage.
If you or anyone ever need support because you may be heading down the road called divorce, swing by our web site Divorce Recovery Suite. There's a live chat where you can speak with others going through divorces. Stop and say hello!
Posted by: ThomasM | 09/27/2008 at 20:15
Ahh the military life huh? That sure can be tough, and the military life can added stress to any marriage.
If you or anyone ever need support because you may be heading down the road called divorce, swing by our web site Divorce Recovery Suite. There's a live chat where you can speak with others going through divorces. Stop and say hello!
Posted by: ThomasM | 09/27/2008 at 20:15
Ahh the military life huh? That sure can be tough, and the military life can added stress to any marriage.
If you or anyone ever need support because you may be heading down the road called divorce, swing by our web site Divorce Recovery Suite. There's a live chat where you can speak with others going through divorces. Stop and say hello!
Posted by: ThomasM | 09/27/2008 at 20:15
Ahh the military life huh? That sure can be tough, and the military life can added stress to any marriage.
If you or anyone ever need support because you may be heading down the road called divorce, swing by our web site Divorce Recovery Suite. There's a live chat where you can speak with others going through divorces. Stop and say hello!
Posted by: ThomasM | 09/27/2008 at 20:16
Ahh the military life huh? That sure can be tough, and the military life can added stress to any marriage.
If you or anyone ever need support because you may be heading down the road called divorce, swing by our web site Divorce Recovery Suite. There's a live chat where you can speak with others going through divorces. Stop and say hello!
Posted by: ThomasM | 09/27/2008 at 20:16