Anticipating the Worst

I knew exactly how it would play out. I'd gone over it a million times in my head. Sometimes during the middle of the day, sometimes at night when I couldn't sleep. I refused to be caught unprepared.

I didn't have to worry about a stranger knocking on my door. My husband did not deploy with a unit, he deployed as one representative from his unit. So, his Colonel would know before I would, and he would send my husband's co-workers to my door. He would probably come himself, even.

I would open the door and know immediately why they were there, but at least I wouldn't hear about it from someone who didn't know my husband. The news would be bad, but I had decided that having familiar faces, friends even, deliver the news would somehow make it less painful.

I would look at them calmly and say, "no." Then they would ask to come in.

Their wives would either be with them, or arrive shortly. I was friends, good friends, with the wives, and the husbands would know they would be needed.

I would clutch my dog and cry, but only briefly, because I would know that things needed to be done. I would also know that it would be important to me, as strange as it sounds, to accept the news as gracefully as possible and to function as efficiently as possible. "Don't fall apart, don't fall apart," I would repeat over and over to myself. "There will be time to fall apart later."

"Where is he?" I would ask.

If he was still in theater, I would want - no demand - to fly over and accompany his body back home. I would not want my husband making the journey home alone. I couldn't be there to hold his hand and tell him how much I loved him in his final moments and by gosh, I didn't want him coming home without me being with him.

I always wondered if the Army would honor this request, and finally decided that they probably would not. However, I would press and I would use whatever contacts I had, and I would tell them, "I don't care if I have to talk to the President of the United States, this WILL happen." Who wants to argue with a grieving widow, let alone a strong-willed one? Not a battle I expected to win, but one that I was going to fight. Sometimes my persistence can be an annoyance to my husband, but I knew that he would expect no less of me in this instance, whether or not he thought it was the best course of action. He would still be proud.

In the end, I would lose the battle because people would explain, in what they believed to be rational terms, why I couldn't go. I'll be needed here, it's dangerous. blah blah blah. I would relent, but make it crystal clear that I will be at Dover Air Force base the moment my husband arrives. They would say, "Absolutely. Of course."

People would be scurrying around my house and my friends would all have that look on their faces. That look that said they weren't sure how much pity or how much strength they should be showing. Who could blame them? What do you say to a widow?

I would excuse myself and go upstairs to make the dreaded phone calls. My dog would follow me upstairs and jump on the bed. I would pick up the phone and put it back down a few times. Finally, I would talk to the dog and cry a little more. I would tell him that his daddy loved him so much. Then, I would do what had to be done. My first phone call would be to my husband's oldest sister. His mother deserved to have the news delivered in person, surrounded by her other children. We wouldn't chat much, we would both know that we had jobs to do and we'd touch base later. Next, I would call my sister, which in some ways would be harder than calling my husband's sister. She would be charged with driving to my parent's house and telling them what had happened. I would tell her to tell them that I'm doing okay and I will call them later. For now, I had to do a million different things.

I would go back downstairs and tell the official contingent that they can leave, I'll be fine. The wives are here with me and that's all I need. I would then assign tasks. I would take out my address book, highlight people who need to be called, and ask them to do the calling. While they were busy with that, I would do the one thing I never wanted to do. Take out the little yellow envelope. I needed to review the will in case I was about to make decisions that were contrary to what we had discussed previously. I would review the will, very calmly, and find no surprises. Everything is how we had decided it would be.

I would make sure the CACO knew that he needed to get to work on arrangements at Arlington National Cemetery. And I needed to do the same, which reminded me, and I know this would be an unusual request - but our dog would have to present at the graveside service. My husband loved that dog with his heart and soul. 

The next few days would be a blur. I would be busy with plans and coordinating travel and lodging for both of our families and our out-of-town guests. My girlfriends would take me shopping for the perfect dress to wear, and it would feel comforting to be surrounded by them. I'd probably buy a new pair of very high black heels too. My husband always got a kick (no pun intended) out of my love for high heels. He would approve of this purchase.

Nobody would patronize me, they would know I don't like that. If anyone didn't know, my sister and girlfriends would be sure to let them know. My best friend, Cynthia - who has more energy than the energizer bunny - would be a Godsend. She would take charge of things that needed to be done, things that didn't require my stamp of approval, and she would handle them like a pro, as always.

I would meet my husband's body when it arrived at Dover. I would run my hands over the casket, hug it even, but I would try to remain as composed as possible. The funeral and burial would go off without a hitch and I would say to myself, "a fitting tribute to a true hero."

A couple of days later, when everyone had finally left, I would be grateful. I would then admit that I was tired. Before sleep though, I would  pull out the little yellow envelope once again and reach for what I knew was there - the letter my husband wrote to me if the worst were to happen. Then, and only then, would I fall apart.

Who really knows if everything would have gone as I had imagined it would, but that's the way I imagined it.

Just like AWTM, I had imagined the entire thing. Not only imagined it, but planned it. And, just like AWTM, I had never once told anyone because I realized that it sounded incredibly morbid and irrational. Well, turns out it's not. Turns out, a lot of us do this, for many reasons. As for me, I wanted to be prepared, and have some idea of how everything would work if I ever received the knock on the door. In an odd way, it was a way for me to be in control of something beyond my control.

NavyChiefSqueeze's comment illustrates that some of us think we're crazy for going through this thought process. Nice to know we're not.

Join us tomorrow evening at 9:00 EDT on SBTR for a conversation about Anticipatory Grief with journalist, author and milspouse, Kristin Henderson, one of my favorite authors. It promises to be an emotional, but enlightening program and we hope you join us.

Comments

[Tracie (Navy wife)]

Wow Andi, that was a powerful post. You would be much more put together than I would be. I know eventually I'd be able to regroup and function normally but I think immediately, I would probably crawl into the corner like a 5 yr old and call for my mother and father. I haven't quite anticipated the full "what if" experience though, just snippets of life without him and it's incredibly painful to even think it.

[Andi]

Tracie - In reality, I would probably fall apart, too. I just imagined that I would react this way. At least it's the way I would want to react.

The two times I've had to deal with the death of family members, it usually fell to me to organize details or be the one consoling, so that others could fall apart. Plus, by nature, I tend not to show a lot of emotion in front of others. I like to do it behind closed doors.

I think we can imagine what would happen -- and do -- but who really knows how it would all play out in the end.

[Some Soldier's Mom]

oh, Andi. and for the MilMoms that read, we have the same thoughts... though I never quite let my scenario run to the end... I referred to that whole scenario in my head as "the dark side"... and when I found myself thinking on it, I would admonish myself to "not giving in to the Dark Side" and I would find something that required my full attention and thoughts -- even in the middle of the night -- just to avoid those thoughts. thank you for writing what we all fear.

[Semper Fi Wife]

I've done it too. It's not a fun mental exercise but I've done it.

I've never talked to Lancelot about it either. The only thing I've ever said is that if I saw the CACO's coming up the walk, I wouldn't answer the door. He didn't understand why. I told him,"Because until I answer that door, it didn't happen."

I've dealt with Gold Star families and am always blown away by the grace they show.
I don't mean they didn't cry or show emotion. The ones I know just did it in a way, hard for me to describe, but gracefully.

Some soldier's mom,
I am entering that territory now with my son. He is deploying next Spring. Contemplating the "dark side" is whole lot more hellish when it is your child.

[the10sgirl]

Wow, I've done this a 1,000 times too. So relieved to know I'm not the only one. Thanks for such a powerful, thought-provoking post.

[MrsD]

Oh my goodness. I had tears streaming down my face as I read this. I absolutely understand the need to stay in control. When I lost my first (civilian) husband (I was 27) they kept wanting to give me a sedative. I firmly refused. Afterall, how could I be in control of myself if I was drugged. I still feel that way.

[USMC SSGT wife]

Up until today...until this post... I thought I was terrible for trying to be prepared for the worst.
3 years ago my dad died suddenly and it was just such a shock. How I took the news was bad, finding out ove rthe phone from my brother and screaming, "NO!!" at the top of my lungs with my 3 yr old on my lap wasn't the best reaction. Cursing out God! So I try to think now about how it would happen, who would tell me, would it be a friend of his(that would be hard but almost comforting), or just some other marine I've never met. Would they really come to the house, I live so far away from where we are actually stationed, or will someone just call. What if I'm not home? Who would come for the funeral? Strange things go through my mind. I honestly have in my mind that he's not coming home. I feel so much guilt about it. I should be optimistic but I'm not. When my dad left there were so many signs in hindsight of course, that let us know he was leaving. His last visit to PI, his USMC tattoo he always wanted. Some old friends from the corp he hadn't seen in 40+ yrs came to visit the week before. Just all kinds of weird things happened. So now I look at the past year and the trouble and tribulations we've had and I think maybe this is it. We finally have worked through so many things. What if this is it? I have so many things on hold because I'm unsure of next summer or sooner I guess. He leaves this fall. We have 10 days left together in Oct after training. How do I use that time?

[Andi]

USMC SGT wife, your quote, "Up until today...until this post... I thought I was terrible for trying to be prepared for the worst." is what this post is all about.

There is no reason we should feel "terrible" or ashamed for our thoughts while our spouses are in harm's way.

AWTM and I know these are issues which are difficult, but also issues that we never seem to talk about openly for fear that we would be seen as weird or morbid.

We were thrilled to read about anticipatory grief in Kristin's book, and it began a conversation that neither of us had had before. Both happy that the other felt the same way. So, we thought, "how many other military spouses are thinking about this but are afraid to talk about it?" How many other military spouses think something is wrong with them for thinking about such things?"

I think we have our answer - a lot - and we want to assure other military spouses that they are not alone, this is perfectly normal.

Hope you will join us tomorrow evening when we talk about this with Kristin.

Make the most of the ten days. Make memories...

[NavyChiefSqueeze]

Andi,
You and your plan sound so very familiar to me, because, as I said, I've had those thoughts and planned those details. I know, for me, in stems from wanting to be in control, and at a time when the situation is just uncontrollable, I want to be prepared.
Again, thank you all for bringing this to light. I cannot tell you how much better I feel--and to think I just stumbled on these blogs!

[Amanda]

Wow. Its good to know I'm normal. I've thought about this a lot too. My husband is currently serving in his first deployment, in Iraq. More times than I can count, I had had this very conversation with myself. I was always ashamed and slightly alarmed that I had even had these thoughts. Thank you for sharing, I'm glad that I'm not the only one.....

[Amanda]

Wow. Its good to know I'm normal. I've thought about this a lot too. My husband is currently serving in his first deployment, in Iraq. More times than I can count, I had had this very conversation with myself. I was always ashamed and slightly alarmed that I had even had these thoughts. Thank you for sharing, I'm glad that I'm not the only one.....

[Heather S.]

I really needed to hear that I'm not the only one who thinks about this. Thank you for sharing your very personal thoughts and feelings and letting us know that we are not alone. This post came at a good time for me...I was just beating myself up the other day over imagining the grief and the details of the process. I'm wondering how prevalent this is and how it might help us psychologically sometimes. And where the line between being prepared and dwelling on the worst-case scenario lies.

[Andi]

Amanda and Heather - I was happy to read you felt relieved after reading this, which was the whole point in writing it. We're not weirdos, after all. Well, at least not in that sense - ha! These feelings and thoughts are perfectly normal for military spouses.

NavyChiefSqueeze - Me too, it gave me some sense of control in an out-of-control situation...

[navywifemeg]

Oh Andi...I was in tears by the second paragraph. I too have had similar scenarios play out in my head. I have this overwhelming fear that we are too happy together, that something bad is going to happen because we found such happiness so young. It scares me more than anything.

[Heidi]

WOW, that is powerful. I too had planned how it would be but it turned out to be totally different . . . no matter how prepared you think you are you just are not. Hate to hear your personal blog is closing:(

[kyle]

i always did that too. what would happen if I got that news, where would I be, how would i feel??

And I got that news, and it was NOTHING like I had thought. It was painful, it was horrible, but in ways I had never imagined. The worst isn't the notification, it's when they leave you alone afterwards. It's after the funeral when everyone goes home and you sit there not knowing where you're going, what you're doing, how you're going to get out of bed the next day.

Thinking about it helps, but I don't think we can ever fully prepare.

[Andi]

Heidi and Kyle - Thanks for offering your perspective on this very difficult subject. I cannot thank you enough for the sacrafices you and your family have made on behalf of our country.

I think it's worth noting that both of you said reality is much different than what you thought it might be, and that you can never really be prepared for the worst-case scenario. I've always had the feeling that I went through this thought process more as a means of trying to control the uncontrollable than believing that events would unfold just how I had imagined they would.

God Bless both of you.

[NewGuardWife2007]

USMC SGT WIFE-Thank you for your post!! I'm newly married, new to the military and my husband is at Dix training for his 1st deployment. It's been 6 wks since he left and he should be home for 4 days, in another 6 wks before he goes to Iraq. I am constantly struggling w/in myself to stay positive, but I feel like I'm failing. We are in our late 30s and waited our whole life to find the happiness we have found. I am scared to death of this whole thing. How do you quiet all these negative thoughts and still remain positive and hopeful? Sometimes I feel like there's no way he'll ever get thru this. He's an MP and I know it will be extremely dangerous, every day. He says he married me because he knew I was strong and I could handle this. I am strong and very independent, but this "anticipatory grief" is ROUGH!!! I've jumped into reading all the books I can about dealing w/ deployment, but nothing seems to quiet those morbid thoughts that are always there. I'm lucky in a way that my husband tells me everything he can. Sometimes, that can be bad too. Too much information can be tough on my state of mind. When he says things like, "if anything happens to me, don't let them forget about me, forget about who I am". This kind of talk absolutely kills me and sends me into tears. I manage to keep it pretty positive on the brief phone calls we get, but secretly, I'm having a really tough time adjusting. Our whole life together is new so all the 'firsts' will be delayed until after deployment. Of course, a big part of me feels like my fairy tale just won't be real until he gets back next year. It's hard to really believe we have a future together until we get thru this deployment. I know these thoughts are bad and I have to be positive, but my scared-to-death heart is over-riding my brainpower.

[Jen W]

Andi, I read this post when you first posted it and read it again today after seeing it on military.com. I too had played out the scenario in my mind, perhaps in a sense to better prepare myself. I've had to bury two parents and four grandparents so I figured if something was going to happen to him that would be it. Maybe I felt like I could have some sort of control over the situation if it did, even though I probably would've reacted much differently.

What I didn't mentally prepare myself for was for my husband to be wounded. Ironically only two days before, I happened to be watching the episode of Army Wives where Trevor was wounded and Roxy gets the notification phone call. I had just driven almost 1300 miles with my kids to spend some time with my family and as I was watching that I turned to my mother in law and said, "that's the call I worry about." My mother in law silently nodded in agreement. The next night my husband happened to call, which was rare because phone calls were few and far between where he was. We had a great conversation and I thought it was such a great way to start off my week. The next day is when the call came. It took me a good 8 minutes (it seemed like so much longer) to actually get words to come out of my mouth. For the hours afterward it was surreal and I felt numb. To make matters worse the rear detachment messed up the notification process so my in laws on both sides got all the information and whomever called refused to speak with me. It took almost all afternoon for rear d to realize that they had made a mistake, after swearing that my husband had the contact info backwards. When they realized they were at fault I got a snarky, could care less kind of apology from them.

It's been 8 months and is still a long road to recovery. The IED affected our whole family but I'm so grateful it was a phone call and not a knock on the door.

[ProudWife]

I'm coming across this posting a year and a half after it was written - I can't express the relief I'm feeling that maybe the thoughts I've had aren't so abnormal after all...

My husband is with the Guard and didn't deploy with his unit but on an individual tasking. I don't really know other military spouses and haven't had anyone to bounce some of these sort of thoughts off of.

I'm very thankful someone took the time to share their thoughts. It feels good to know (in an experiential way) there are others out there who understand.

[SwordsmansWife]

I totally worry that I won't be able to handle it or keep the family, house, etc. running like he and I could together. The worst is the worry about the kids. Little girls need their daddies...Thanks Andi. SpouseBuzz was created for this reason. I don't feel so alone anymore...

[Blondambition]

I am just discovering what it's like to feel this sort of grief before deployment. My son is only 19 and has been called to Afghanistan on an individual tasking. I thought, if he would go, he would go with his unit (Air Force) but he is going into an Army unit which I did not expect. I am, on some days, overcome with morbid thoughts, and other days, trying to deal with other peoples questions about his upcoming deployment with forced optimism. Glad to see I am not abnormal with all these feelings.