What have you done for yourself lately?
April 28, 2007|
Do you ever just get so tired that you can't go, you can't think straight and you wonder where the week or month went?
I know that our service-members often have jobs that make them feel this way, especially when deployed or training.
We as mil-spouses have a lot on our plates too. Does it sometimes just make you simply exhausted to think about it all?
Our family is on the post-deployment track right now. In saying that - I should be fully rested, brain fully functioning and singing a happy song, no? Well, I should at least be singing in my own head, I have a horrible voice. I just feel like I have been in fast-forward for so long now that I have no idea how to slow down, sit down and just be.
I just honestly think that the last few years, especially since deployments became so widespread, have finally taken a toll on me. You know, as a mil-spouse, you seem to just go and go and go. You do and do and do. Our lifestyle requires us to go and do and drive on.
The years have finally caught up with me though and I am feeling burnt out and that other word, tired exhausted. That leads me to question myself. What have I done for me lately? The honest answer is, nothing much. At least not lately. I did go to a cafe once a few months ago and sat peacefully while drinking yummy coffee. I also got a much needed face peel two years ago. That counts, right? Gardening is generally my bliss, but this year my yard is lackluster in comparison to previous years. Anyone that knows me personally and could see my yard right now, would be sure to say, "hey, what the heck is wrong with you girl?"
Do you find yourself just speeding down the highway of military life (and life in general) and playing the cards that are dealt to you without taking a moment to consider yourself and what you really need? I think a lot of us do that. It can be similar in the civilian world too, but because I am a military spouse and once was a career-minded civilian, I can truthfully say that the military world causes us to put ourselves on the back burner more than your average civilian.
Now that I am so tired, I sit here some days and try to figure out where the last few years have gone. What did I do during all of that time? I know that the time was (mostly) productive, even when my soldier was away, but I also know that I haven't done a lot for myself over the years. It is time for me to change that.
When you volunteer, work, go to school, parent, run a household, keep your marriage together even when worlds apart, run kids here and there, deal with medical issues, help your parents, help your friends, help your neighbors or even help strangers, you are a true superwoman. Pat yourself on the back, then go make a list of some things that you would like to do for yourself and forge a plan to make it happen.
In order to regain a sense of myself and take some needed downtime, I am going to try and:
Back off of volunteering so much, just for awhile. I love it, but I am tired.
Get a haircut more than twice a year and stop coloring my own hair.
Make an appointment to get an overdue massage.
Spend more time with my kids doing things we truly enjoy instead of things we have to do.
Hire a babysitter so that I can have date nights with my husband.
Just say no to meetings or other events that I don't really have to attend.
Take more frequent breaks from the news and the computer.
Go camping, hiking and fishing with my family.
Attempt to read all of the books that I have ordered so far this year - which are currently collecting dust.
Leave the dishes unwashed, the laundry in the floor and go sit under a shade tree. At least once a week.
Go back to having days that I do not get out of my PJs, order in and have a glass of wine while watching a chick flick.
Sleep more.
If you took the time to think about how tired you really were, would it send you into a week long sleep immediately? Most of you probably already have, but try not to let yourself get as run down as I feel right now. Think about yourself for just a moment and try to find something that will rejuvenate your energy supply.
This is going to sound terrible... I had to actually write appointments for myself on my calender IN PEN. Somehow, the IN PEN part made it impossible for me to disobey.
Without the scheduling, I always found something else I had to do instead of something I had to do for my own sanity.
Posted by: airforcewife | 04/28/2007 at 21:42
HAHAHAHAHAHH....that is what I did throughout your entire post.. It is so painfully true, that we get so caught up in doing everything we can for everyone that I often wonder how it is 11:30pm and yet, I have not done nearly anything that I needed to do today. My husband is on the downward slope of his deployment to Iraq. He has been gone now since July, and will be home at the end of June for a visit. I was supposed to redo the kitchen/sunroom, and "fix up" the yard....What have I done? Not much.. And even worse, what have I done for myself?...um.....I sent a care package this week...does that count? I got my three year old to play outside while I attempted yard work in between taking the shovel from my son who was trying to dig a hole through our paved driveway. I did my homework...I worked at my job...For myself??? Monday I will buy myself a pretty summer dress....maybe...?
Posted by: Deployed Recruiters Wife | 04/28/2007 at 23:33
This is the thing I struggle with the MOST in my everyday life.
We get in such a routine where we HAVE to take care of everyone else that we forget to take care of ourselves.
Great post, thanks for the reminder. ;)
Michelle
Posted by: Military Mommy | 04/29/2007 at 02:50
I have a big issue with this. i have 5 kids 6 if you count the husband..lol. 2 dogs 2 fish and i am forever doing chores around the house running somewere some is always sick with something. I never take any "me" time.. lord half the time i forget if i showered that day or not..lol. I plan on having scheduled me times during the deployment.
Posted by: Kel | 04/29/2007 at 09:15
boy, did THIS post hit a nerve. I have been trying, to no avail, to get some "me" time to recharge and rejuvenate. I was all set to go to a Women of Faith conference. But my husband can't/won't take ONE lousy day of leave (or a pass) to stay home with the kids on a Friday so that I can go. And of course there is the "expense" of the trip - I wanted to attend one in DC, where my friend is, but he doesn't want me to fork over perfectly good money for ME.
I've been resentful of him, because when he travels TDY, it is not to remote locations for training in the hot sun and desert conditions, wearing dirt and eating MRE's for a week or more. No...he travels for a few days to a week, for "missions" which allow him to stay in hotels, have time off during the day, and perform "missions" at night, for a few hours. He gets to go to nice places and I am stuck home with the kids. Perhaps I would be less resentful if he were in the sandbox, or training to go there, but he is not.
He then tells me that I should try to find something "locally" that I could go to. Sure, a massage, facial, spa day would be nice. But I need WAY more than that, particularly my spiritual needs. And he can NOT see that. And the more I think about it, the more I resent it, and the more I resent it, the more I resent HIM. NOT a good thing for a mil-wife. Any suggestions?
Posted by: Linda | 04/29/2007 at 12:22
Linda - I remember feeling JUST that way when DH was going on TDYs to San Fran, or Seattle... nice hotel, someone else cleaned the bathroom, he ate out... and I was stuck here, feeding an outdoor wood boiler, with a sick dog and commuting an hour and a half each way....
LAW
Posted by: LAW | 04/29/2007 at 14:09
Thanks for reminding me to get that massage I have been talking about for months.
Posted by: Butterfly Wife | 04/29/2007 at 17:25
Linda - there were times I actually felt that way, too. Then I realized that when hubby came home he was offering me chances to get off on my own and I wasn't taking him up on them! Even just a trip to the day spa made a much bigger difference than I thought it would.
Sometimes I think that our problem as military spouses is that we feel so responsible for the world that even when offered a chance to take time off we tend to pass it by (even when it makes us resentful) because we are afraid that everything will fall apart without us. And we often will come home to dirtier houses, kids who ate mac and cheese with hot dogs instead of a balanced meal, and in my husband's case - cake for breakfast.
But you know, my kids survived! And I was much better with them when I came home with a little bit of rest.
It really frustrated my husband when I did not take him up on even the small chances to get out. He could sense my irritation and the fact that I was overloaded and felt responsible and guilty, but also irritated that I wasn't letting him help.
When I finally did agree to "get out" on my own for a few hours, hubby was SO HAPPY. He even had the kids make "I Love You" cards for me.
Posted by: airforcewife | 04/29/2007 at 18:05
Why do our soldiers keep going somewhere where they arent wanted? Only a few want them in Iraq and Afghanistan. What about this new thing that has been decided? an extention of three months in a hostle environment. Military families have had enough already....we are sick and tired of being afraid of picking up the phone or even answering the door because of fear of bad news. Hearing from our loved ones is great....until you hear mortors being fired on their base. Whats sad is that i'm used to hearing that now, and that shouldnt be. What about the wonderful 2 weeks we get with our loved ones? By the time they get used to the time change, they have to go back...and God forbid you drop a plate or accidently slam the door....they run for cover, jump, or just freeze and have this look on their faces...I dont understand. I bet the president wont send his children over there for 3 deployments at 15 months a piece...then spend two weeks with them and cant spend time with them because they are too tired to play with the kids or have a decent conversation. Why doesnt this government care about the military families? I dont care what our leader says, THEY DO NOT CARE ABOUT US!!! they are pulling apart military families, but as long as they dont have family in harms way, why not? I am sick and tired of my loved one leaving over and over again. WHO WILL STAND UP FOR THE MILITARY FAMILY? Only God is hearing our prayers, not our leaders, remember they dont care.
Thank you for at least reading this, please dont disclose this address or my info.... I have enough to worry about, an extra three months without my loved one by my side, again, thanks to our leaders. Thank you for at least listening. OUR SOLDIERS ARE TIRED AND THEIR MORALE IS LOW, LOW, LOW!!!!!!! THEY ARE TIRED AND THEY NEED REST!!!! 16-18 HOUR DAYS 7 DAYS A WEEK ARE NOT HEALTHY AND IF THIS KEEPS UP, THERE WILL BE NO MORE SOLDIERS BECAUSE THEY WANT TO REST AND BE WITH THEIR FAMILIES....I hope that this touches at least one person's heart.
Posted by: SICK OF OUR LEADERSHIP | 04/30/2007 at 09:45
I too am a volunteer burn out. I didn't realize just how much of "me" I had given to different organizations, especially over the last few years, until we moved to a new base last summer and I was no longer a volunteer. I quickly realized how completely and utterly exhausted I was. Don't get me wrong, I loved every minute of my volunteer experiences and wouldn't change a thing, but I have realized it's time I did something for myself. After giving thought to what I want to do I found a part-time job that I like and that really suits me. I also love to read and garden and plan to do a lot of both while my DH is deployed this summer. I also make it a point to exercise at least four days a week. These are a few of the ways I've found to recharge myself.
Posted by: Jewel | 04/30/2007 at 10:00
WOW! Does life come at you fast? Now there is a question. I believe that every one of us has had one of those weeks (months,summers,years) that just flies by because you are so on the go 24/7/365 that you don't have time to breathe! Let alone do anything for yourself ~ nice or otherwise. Last week was just such a week for me. Looking forward to a weekend that was none the less jam packed with "must do's" I hunkered down and took it in stride. By the time last friday morning rolled in to town, I was truly exhausted. I still had a 4H function to help set up for, a bakesale to bake for, a full time job to tend to, then on saturday the 4H function itself, a fairgrounds cleanup day, company coming into town, and sunday the 'all knowing' REINTEGRATION BRIEFING over 50 miles away. As it often does, life got in the way ~ of even itself. Friday evening after set-up, after baking several dozen cookies, after clean up; I interrupted a would be burglar IN MY CAR. In addition to myself, this juvenile imbicil also burgled another car on my street, and so we were all up until well past 1am with the police, flashlights, and a strong sense of vengeance. The next morning (sunrise in particular) came far too early for the club function and during the course of the day, my youngest broke his arm. Yep, I said broke it. A couple of x-rays and a couple of hours later, we left the ER and I decided that what I needed was to SKIP the reintegration briefing the next day, sleep in the next morning, but go out and blow off some steam that night. I did go and have dinner, play pool and have a nice cold beer with a friend and felt better in the morning. Life come at you fast? Exhausted? Burned out? OH YEAH. :0)
Posted by: Just Snow | 04/30/2007 at 16:06
JSnow - jeeeeeeeez. I think life just kinda ran over you. I didn't break my arm, just got some caustic siding cleaner on it.. so I got away easy!
Dear SICK of leadership: I understand, agree and wish with all my heart we could sit and talk and vent. If you don't have a friend/someone you can trust, find a good counselor you can talk to. It helps relieve some of the stress and anger. No, they don't care, but we do. So c'mon over to my site, we'll talk. Anyone want to join in?
LAW
Posted by: liberal army wife | 05/01/2007 at 14:04
What I do for myself? hmmm i work out at least 3 times a week.. I think its the BEST antidepressant there is...!!!
and the results are wayy cool..
And at least once every two weeks I go out with a girlfriend for a way too expensive martini!!!
By the way I believe fishing for people to "come over to the dark side" on this site is insulting. Just a opinion you know what they say about them...
Posted by: deirdre | 05/01/2007 at 19:25
deirdre - the dark side??? oh please.
LAW
Posted by: LAW | 05/01/2007 at 20:54
I recently completed my Master's and I was looking for a job until I knew that my husband will be deployed next week. We decided that I should stay at home with my daughters because will not be easy for them that mommy start working and at the same time daddy go to other country. I think that it is difficult for mil-wifes achieving professional goals. Another thing is that the Air Force is downsizing which have created that many people feel displeased in their jobs. Sometimes I feel angry and I think taking my daughters and leaving my home, but then think that is not fair for my husband.
Posted by: Key | 05/01/2007 at 22:38
I totally agree with "sick of leadership" to a point. I would love nothing more than to have my husband home. But, I also realize that he has a job to do. I have to supportive and strong for him. I also agree with love my tanker. We do so much sometimes for everyone else. We are support for our children and our spouse and even at times the extended family looks for us to be strong for them too. I find it hard for some (civilians) to understand our life as a military spouse. After working full time and taking care of two kids and filling my days off with appt. and house work....Thanks for reminding me to take care of me and thankyou for this site.... to know that there are other women out there like me... In the same boat and are not just putting up a front at the FRG meetings like they have all together... all of the time..Please do not disclose my address or info..
Thanks
a tanker's wife too.
Posted by: a tanker's wife too | 05/01/2007 at 22:56
I'm sorry but "Sick of our Leadership". You sound like of those selfish people who say, "He didn't bother us so why are we there" Never mind that he (Saddam) killed thousands of people in his country! But he wasn't bothering us .. people like you only think of only themselves. I was born and raised here and we are very selfish people and we are used to all the freedom that we have, that a lot of us take it for granted. What's kinda funny is that if you said what you said and you lived in Iraq .. you would be killed or your husband would be killed in front of you. I'm sure you think like many others that we police the world, well we are a very large, wealthy country and we SHOULD help out anyone who is trouble. I bet if the President did have children to send over there - I bet he would. It is an honor to protect this country! If you are so tired of him leaving then you should either get divorced or ask him to get out. If this is what he loves to do then you should support him. My husband is on his 4th tour and it's not tearing our family apart. It's actually brought us closer and we realize how precious our lives our - we do what we can when he is home and enjoy that time we have until he's gone again. I guess I don't mind the soldier's complaing as much then as someone who stays in the US and has all the comforts of home, shopping and able to say what they want to say. I miss my husband but he has a job to do and I never complain to him or anyone else for that matter. I believe the government does care but selfish people can't see it that way. There's a lot of things that need to be fixed but nothing is perfect and nothing will ever be. Try to keep in mind that your husband is not the only one there and negative bitchy comments don't help anyone. If you need to vent then go see a therapist but don't bring everyone else down with you!
Posted by: marine wife | 05/01/2007 at 23:13
So yeah, I'm a new Army wife and not only is my husband deployed for almost a year at this point, and now extended, we live in different states when he is stateside. We travel back & forth to see each other until I'm done working here where I live then will follow him where ever the Army sends us. It's tough but I go crazy trying to pull patience out of the air to deal with all this. Thanks for listening ladies...
Posted by: Elizabeth (new) Army Wife | 05/01/2007 at 23:17
I have been taking care of everyone else for so long that I dont have any idea what I want to do for myself or who I am anymore. So many people are depending on me, how do I let them down. My plate is becoming a very small saucer. God is the only one that gives me relief and I havent been taking care of my relationship with him either. None of this is nothing you all have not experienced or are going through right now, so thanks for the vent.
Posted by: Superwoman | 05/01/2007 at 23:32
I am a soldier as well as a wife of a Service member. On top of it all I am a mother of 3 wonderful children. I do understand the importance of supporting your spouse on this mission they are undergoing in Iraq, sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs because I am so frustrated of having been forced to take on the responsibility of the household by myself when I have been so used to sharing in the responsibility with my husband. We were married less than 3 months before he deployed and it seems like ever since he left my whole world has been flipped upside down. I have been struggling with our finances and have been hounded by creditors non stop. I am out of my mind with stress and cant seem to get a break. I do not know when this is going to stop or if it even will. Thank you all for listening to me rant and rave about my problems. I really did need to release some of this tension.
Posted by: Soldier/Army wife/Army mom | 05/01/2007 at 23:40
Linda,
Dont let your heart be consumed with resentment. Please sit down somewhere that you and the Lord can connect in your heart, pray about it and then when he comes home again, tell him how you are resenting him and why. I pray that he opens his heart up and tells you that he wants to take care of your needs no matter the cost. Your spiritual relationship is what keeps you connected to your husband when you cant be with him.
God Bless you in all you do.
Posted by: Superwoman | 05/01/2007 at 23:46
Soldier/Army wife/Army mom
Thank you also for serving.
also, hang in there, I have been married for 13 years to my soldier and I am still struggling in every aspect of life when he is gone. When you can a minute to yourself(I also have 3, is there such thing as a minute to yourself?) think of your husband, your children and a pleasant time your are looking forward to again. Dont let these creditors work you up, One thing at a time and one day at a time. Venting is very good medicine, why do you think I am on here. Hang in there, you know the rules on military and creditors during a deployment, use what you can to keep you sanity.
Posted by: Superwoman | 05/01/2007 at 23:58
I am a new military wife. Just 3 1/2 weeks. I've been a single mom for 13 years...doing it on my own for quite a long time. My ex passed away 8 years ago and was not very involved other than his every other weekend before that.
Every mom...military wife...single mom...etc needs to be responsible for having their own "me" time. I feel that Love My Tanker is blaming the military. I know I'm new to the military but I do know civilian life...and it's the same there...make time for yourself...yourself...end of story...
Posted by: Cathy | 05/02/2007 at 00:04
Im within 24 hours of having my husband home for 2 weeks --stressed is not the word!! Nothing is done, everything is ready??? I don't know -at some point time will run out on trying to make things perfect... When he deployed I was in the Hospital (emergency surgery/ life threatening)he deployed 15 days into my hospital stay and I spent another 24 days in after he left. I thank god for my military family, my best girlfriend dropped everything --I mean everything (her family from Germany had come to visit) to come take care of me and my children. To say that we have alot on our plates as military spouses is definately an understatement. "Civilians" don't understand our bond, our drive and our sense of commitment to our [mil] family, friends and community. And most of all our support to our spouses who serve this country with pride and honor. We "overdo" everything because we know our children and spouses deserve "normal" whatever that is so we as military spouses over compensate for everything in life no matter how small the detail. I did go and treat myself today to a pedicure and manicure but even that was with my husband in mind -if you get my drift. So even something that should be relaxing has a purpose and ultimately we will all benefit from taking a little time for ourselves.
Thanks for the article glad to see Im not the only over achiever.
Posted by: heav_hen | 05/02/2007 at 00:10
I'm all for everyone being entitled to opinions...but YOU, Marine wife, are being the bitchy one.
"Sick of our leadership" isn’t being selfish…she is being HUMAN. I also don’t agree with her opinions about our country’s leadership but I can understand where she is coming from and it’s only human to feel like she is feeling. There is nothing wrong with expressing her opinion and if that's how she feels, then I say AMEN to that!
She isn't being selfish and maybe your husband's absence isn't affecting you in anyway (in which case, more power to you) but it's her MAN and she has every right to vent, if she needs to. It’s her MAN and so she has EVERY RIGHT TO VENT! She isn’t going over there to grab him and bring him back…or concocting a plot to dis-arm and overthrow anyone, she is just venting.
I was under the impression that this forum was a place where you can share your thoughts with others that can relate... and not be criticized for your feelings. You might not agree with her but comments like yours towards her are not really necessary and are very rude. My husband is also away and I keep very busy with schooling and working full-time and then hanging out with the girls for a bite when I can ... but honestly, as a Navy wife, I sympathize with Army and Marine wives because we have it a bit better than you guys. If I had to stay awake all night, wondering if the love of my life will come ever home alive, I will loose my mind. I applaud them for what they are doing over there, in Iraq but there is nothing wrong with being worried. It’s a normal reaction. In her own way...she is reaching out to you (and people like you) and your manner of shutting her down is very unfair
You might want to take that communist opinion and “holier than thou attitude” back to YOUR psychiatrist! In case you haven’t notice, this is a democracy…and that includes freedom to be human!
Posted by: Navy bride... YOU know it! | 05/02/2007 at 00:28
I'm glad someone spoke up Navy bride because we don't need to attack anyone and rightfully speaking the President would not send his children as he nor any of his brothers served our wonderful country either. I agree we had to fight back when we were attack but as we've all seen it just seemed like we lost our plan/goal. My husband is currently deployed but I'm a Navy wife and I think we have it better than other Army/marine spouses so we can't truly understand the frustration of being without your man for 15 months. So thanks for letting us vent and shame on all for making someone feel like they don't have a right to do so, after all isn't that what we are about and fighting for for others.
Posted by: Navy wifey | 05/02/2007 at 01:47
Our life is not easy and yet i feel if i dont get hings done my kids will miss their dad more or im not doing my part. We've been in the military 8 years and he has being gone 4 we have 4 kids and yes im staring to loose the energy to keep on going and going. I thought it was just me ty for saying it OUT LOUD!
Im TIRED!
I want my husband, my lover, a nap!!!
Posted by: lucy | 05/02/2007 at 02:37
I'm an Army wife who has survived deployments as well. We have two small children, the youngest born right after my husband deployed. Being so far from family and not having the chance to get to know anyone I even drove myself to the hospital between contractions with my 2 yr old in tow. I think every one of us can understand not having time to ourselves. Honestly I can't even remeber the last time I was truly relaxed without feeling guilty about not doing the stuff I need to get done. I think we can all relate to there is not enough time for me, or financially we can't afford the trip to the spa(by the way what exactly is a spa?). Just like I think we all understand resentment, whether it is at our spouse, government, civilians, or just the world in general we have all been there. Or the days when I want to walk outside and scream ITS NOT FAIR! But we come to message boards and vent. Or to family and friends until they are ready to scream too( but for entirely different reasons) we feel a little better and carry on. I enjoy reading the boards because its a way to come together on common ground without judgement. I definately undersatnd the anger at the government sometimes and then I think that no it is not perfect, but when you think about it we are one of the youngest nations in the world and we havent worked out all the bugs yet. And even though I can't stand deployments I understand them. We have a duty as a free nation to help free those who suffer from genocide, cruel dictators, and simply the inability to be free. So yes even though it is hard on my family I am in complete support of what our military has to do, and what the spouses have to do. So thank you to the rest of the milspouses for staying strong for your soldier so he can focus on the task at hand and come home.
Posted by: Sarah | 05/02/2007 at 02:54
Oh my. this post got hot and nasty. We do have the right to give our opinions, remember that's one of those freedoms that we are all so proud of. And if someone in pain, who needs to talk, or needs to vent, does so here, she shouldn't be subjected to vitriolic comments. She needs to talk, she needs a voice and an ear to hear it, and to accuse her of being selfish etc., is a low blow she didn't need right now. I may agree or disagree with some posters, but they have every right to say what they want (oh, by the way, the Pres does have children to send, 2 of them, prime recruiter age.... if it's good enough for Prince Harry, why not Jenna and Barb???)
As for taking care of myself... today that really makes me laugh. Getting a house ready to sell, at work we have waaaay too many lawyers and no one in charge, so they make us NUTS, DH having a difficult time in the Sand... I finally decided to get some time with a Military Family Life counselor, took time off work, finally found the place... she thought I called to cancel and was about 390 miles North.. Some days I wonder if I am "meant" to just get through this by the skin of my teeth. I'm the one the less experienced wives and family members call to ask for advice, so I try to stay strong for them, as the Rear Det folks ignore us (National Guard, deployed) The migraine I woke up with this morning tells me that whilst on the outside I am calm and handling this, my body is telling me differently!
LAW
Posted by: LAW | 05/02/2007 at 06:48
Speak for yourself alone, Navy Wifey, when you speak of how easy you have it compared to Army and Marines. My DH is a U.S. Navy Corpsman currently in his THIRD deployment attached to a USMC unit in one of the most dangerous locations in al-Anbar province. Five years in, and he has never even SEEN the ocean except when flying over it to and from Iraq!
Posted by: Spike | 05/02/2007 at 07:24
As a wife of a Navy submariner, dealing with life while my husband is deployed takes on a whole new dimension. If I could talk to my husband about all the problems going on - like the new air conditioning system I had to have installed yesterday that isn't working today, all the issues at work, and the forest fires near where we live - I think I could deal better. If I could hear his voice and not have to rely on an email every 2-3 weeks, if not longer, I wouldn't want to cry every time something huge breaks (as it always does when he leaves). I try my hardest to hold it all together and I always make it through the patrols, but it doesn't always work. So, when my husband comes home from a patrol, we take a few days and go somewhere on a mini vacation so we can be together without the external noise of every day life and we can both detox from the deployment. It's worked thus far! And I am definitely looking forward to this coming vacation!
Posted by: Sarah | 05/02/2007 at 09:12
This is my first experience with military life and the deployment that came right with it. I am a 33 y/o soon-to-be Navy wife, doing all the wifely "errand" duties and providing the emotional support to my fiancé in Iraq. My faith in anything has never been tested like this before. I will always have his back and will never seek comfort in the arms of another man because he is away. I am very burnt out right now and not to mention emotionally exhausted. Sometimes I feel afraid and very longing for his companionship. I really, really have the utmost respect for military wives because their jobs are even harder than the men they are married to!
Posted by: Lorri | 05/02/2007 at 09:15
Linda, I'm so sorry to hear that you husband isn't supportive of your need to grow spiritually. Do you guys attend church together. If he is a Christian maybe you could remind him that the Bible says that The husband should love his wife as Christ loved the church. that means doing whatever he needs to do to for your well being. Even if it's not necessarily what he wants to do. As a military wife we often have to do things we don't WANT to do, but we choose to do them because that is what we signed up for when we married these service men and we help them by being there for them. Deployments are hard on our guys but I think they sometimes forget that it can get hard on us too. I struggle with loneliness and a sense of being overwhelmed often. The Lord is always there for you though and I recently decided to make a new start and dedicate more time to the Lord. My husband won't be back until March and I have decided to grow in the lord no matter if he decided to do the sanme or not. I will pray for you. You sound like you need encouragement. God bless you.
Posted by: Linz | 05/02/2007 at 09:42
I just wanted to say a few things...
1st, as this is what the posts started about... take time for yourself regularly... I can't argue with that. It is truer than you realize, until you do it.
2nd, to whomever made the comment about the president not serving his country... do your research. While he may not have been the greatest soilder to ever serve, he DID SERVE HIS COUNTRY... and before anyone gets holier than thou about it... all of you who are ENLISTED raise your hand... not many I see, so we are part of the military because of fate, not because we joined up...
3rd... right on Spike... yes, Army & Marines have it hard too, but NOT EASIER than us by any means. Being a Navy wife, for me specifically a sub wife, life is easy compared to no-one. When this war is over, your husband comes home, ours still goes out to sea... you at least know where your husband is (or a general idea), all I know is my husband isn't home... I see my husband for 6 months of the year if I'm lucky, and if he goes carreer, then that will be my life for another 15+ years... letters, phone calls, email, care packages, not really, we don't see those much, if at all. I've known a number of friends & family who have gone to Iraq or Afgan & we heard from them ALL THE TIME. I'm lucky to hear from mine at all while he's gone... found out I lost our baby & I still haven't talked to him, so he doesn't even know... so, in short, to say that Navy wives have it easier tells me you aren't a typical Navy wife, because you seem to have it better than most of us.
Last... Sarah, based on the 'wild fires' I think we live near each other... Georgia by chance? or JAX?
Posted by: akasha | 05/02/2007 at 09:45
I am a new mother, we just moved from my home country to the States AND my 3 y/o step-son is visiting for a few months...Can you say burnt out? Sometimes I really envy my husband, who gets his daily break from us when he goes to work, and his daily break from work when he comes home, and even then he doesn't really have much to do with the household. Granted, now that his son is here he at least spends quality time with him every night. But that doesn't relieve me, I still have the baby and the household...Luckily we just registered the kids at the CDC, him for full-time, just waiting for a slot to open, her for hourly care. I will finally, after 7 months, get some mommy-time :D
As for "sick of leadership", you're probably tired of hearing this, but it IS our spouses' JOB (some refer to it as their "calling"), and yes, being separated for such a long time is hard on all of us, but as much as I disagree with the war in Iraq and what lead to it (anyone remember WMD? It wasn't Saddam's dictatorship that started the war, it was Bush's claim of WMD...), now that the troops are there and in the middle of it, it has to be brought to an end. I hate to see my husband go again, I hate to live in fear the whole time, but I know I can do it, and with the help of others, I will do it with time for myself as well. That's what's so great about the military life, people helping each other. Thanks for a great blog!
Posted by: Petra - Army Wife, too | 05/02/2007 at 10:16
Akasha: If you're near Kings Bay NSB, then yep, we're in the same area. And thank you for representing the sub wives! I wish it was 3 days between hearing from my husband. And to have people ask "So where is your husband" or "When's he coming home" makes my heart ache because 1) I don't know and 2) Even if I did know, I couldn't tell them any way. Submarine life is so hard and I hope those who can communicate with their significant others on a somewhat regular basis appreciate how fortunate they are.
Posted by: Sarah | 05/02/2007 at 10:28
I am completely new to the ARMY family my wife is in basic right now. I am a stay at home DAD the first 3 weeks were the hardest (I am kind of a romantic and cuddley guy) and I miss my wife so much so do our boys they are 2 1/2 and 7 Mo. I can't seem to get any answers to the questions I have had for the RO about her pay our childcare or anything he has told me very little about the questions I have had. I have had a hard time finding info online. I live in INDIANA and I have found no help from anywhere except my family. I didn't know how I was going to get through it without my wife but I just pushed through and now I am OK i guess but I have not hardly had any time for me I ahve been out with friends 1 time in 6 week when the wife and I used to go out on a date night every week this is hard. and the 2yr. old is goibg through terrible 2's and really misses mommy. he knows where she is but doesn't understand why we can't go see her. Thanks for letting me vent ARMY HUSBAND!
Posted by: Dan | 05/02/2007 at 11:22
Fellow Sub and Navy wives, including Sarah and Akasha, I cannot tell you how HAPPY I am to read "Navy talk / Sub talk" in the comment section of SB! My heart just swells!
I heard it once said the lack of communication in the Sub world is brutal.
I would have to agree.
Thanks ladies for sharing and adding a different mil-life perspective to those who visit here.
When my hubby would come home from sea we always made it a point to "get away" even if for only 3 days. The Westin in Savannah is a great place if you are in Kings Bay.
My current favorite "What have I done for myself lately". Philosophy 3 in 1 Shower Gel/Shampoo/Bubblebath Frozen Lemon Custard. Its a little pricey, but hey we are worth it, right!? (and there is a difference!)
Posted by: Navy Wife | 05/02/2007 at 11:51
Is there a point to us fighting over which branch of the military has it harder? I've always thought that the only way you could survive being a mil spouse was the support of others living the "same" thing. Of course all our situations are different. But to say that any are worse or better is ridiculous. Any time the one you love is away from you, that is the worst. Any time they are deployed and you can't get information about where they are or how safe they are, that is the worst. Pain is relative to what someone has experienced. Its not fair to claim your pain is worse based on perception. The worst pain for any person is equal to the worst pain for someone else even if the situations don't look like they should merit it. We should all stand together and support each other through any and all deployments in times of peace and war so that our military families are a representation of solidarity instead of separation based on branch or mos.
Posted by: Marine Wifey | 05/02/2007 at 12:30
Holy Honkin' Horns Batgirls! I think this train jumped the tracks!
LAW ~ ~ Hang in there, because as we all know, it WILL get better. You know what they say about that which does not kill you. Just remember not to ask God for patience or strength. He will send it! I asked once as a young, single mother for the patience to deal with my two beautiful baby girls and now I have all the patience in the world for two children, but have four! :0) Hoping to bring a smile to your face, until the time comes that you can find one for yourself~
Snow
Posted by: Just Snow | 05/02/2007 at 12:35
Just Snow - I know I'll get through this... but I may be even greyer when I do.
Marine Wifey - thank you, I was trying to find a nice way to say it. Ladies and Gentlemen (Hi new army husband, pay issues WILL make you nuts) ahem. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! thank you, now that I have your attention. We are MILSPOUSES. the in fighting "i have it worse than you" that needs to stop. We are all in varying degrees of crap. Yes, even an Army Wife like me knows about Subs (Father in law - Sub commander) Marines are having it lousy, and so are the MN Guardsmen right next to them in Al Anbar. Army deployments extended. So enough already! WE need to hang together, WE need to be strong for our troop, hold onto EACH OTHER for support and never let the civilians see us blink. (well, ok, let the civilians see how bad it can be, it makes them appreciate us more) But for heaven's sake, let the Army/Navy crap lie, (until the A/N game anyway) As for the political, well, if you don't want an opinion, don't ask for it. Freedom of speech - one of those things our troops put their hands up to protect, remember???
Sorry... getting off the soapbox... thank you for your attention, carry on.
LAW
Posted by: liberal army wife | 05/02/2007 at 12:53
I hope I haven't offended anyone by saying that Navy wives had it easy. They don't.
But, being a navy wive, I do get a little peace of mind knowing that he is safe on a ship somewhere, as oppose to actually being out there in the middle of everything. Of course it's a matter of opinion...
My heart and prayers go out to all of you brave military spouses and your families because women like you all make me proud to be a military spouse.
Posted by: Navy wife...YOU know it! | 05/02/2007 at 12:56
can anyone tell me where to go for pay info, I am running out of money and so far nobody can help I have to have food for my boys. I can skip a meal or two but the boys can't. where is the best place to find out so I don't feel like I am fighting to feed my family.from New ARMY Husband
Posted by: Dan | 05/02/2007 at 15:03
Hello Everyone,
I feel so out of touch with the military. My husband is active duty and stationed in DC and the kids and I live in Dallas, TX. I like to look on the website sometimes and read posting from other military spouses. I understand everything everyone has written. I have been there and done that. Matter of fact still is. God Bless you all!
Posted by: Annette Graves | 05/02/2007 at 15:24
Hey Guys!Heads up and keep smiling!I have been an Army wife for 22 years.Hubbie is now deployed to the sandbox.Am home with a 16 yr old son and 5 yr old daughter.He has been active duty and Resrvist, I've been to quite a few posts or bases and moved (basicly alone) a lot.I would not trade my life for anyones.I know most civilians have no idea of our lives but I try to volunteer at the school when I can and find a good church.You can usually find help there(stay-at-home-Dad)or they will help you find help.I have been in that situation.This is a great place to help vent.Feeling very alone in central Florida...
Posted by: Karen Miller | 05/02/2007 at 17:38
After reading my comment again, the end remark "there is a difference" doesn't in any way refer to Navy life, but to my over priced 3-1 Philosophy shampoo. It's like a little "splurge" everyday! If Im off base with this...please excuse.
Army Dad, Love my Tanker is wonderful, she will point you in the right direction. ;) Hang in there! Thanks for sharing, you came to the right place!
Posted by: Navy Wife | 05/02/2007 at 17:57
Yes, this also strikes a nerve. Dh has been in the Army for 20 years, and I can't even REMEMBER the last time we took a family vacation. I think it was back in the early 90's. Since then all we've done is move, take 30 days off to move, unpack, get established, and then it's back to work again for 12 hr days nonstop. My dh is very devoted to his career and doesn't take much time off other than for holidays, and then it's spent catching up w/ relatives.
I am SO absolutely burnt out as a military wife. And now, for my reward, we are facing a deployment this summer. Dh will leave me w/ a wild 15 year old and a special needs autistic 5 y.o. son. and I will be attempting to start a second career in nursing at the same time.
I feel sometimes the military is asking me to do the impossible. Then again, they're truly asking our soldiers to do the ultimate, w hich is to sacrifice their lives, if need be, for the country. I just feel that our civilian counterparts just don't do enough. Too few are being asked to do too much. This country needs to buck up and either pay us more, or give us some relief, in the way of more personnel. It's not fair to many of us to sacrifice as we have for the past 10 years w/ Desert Storm, Iraqi Freedom, Afghanistan, etc. Way too much. When I talk to civilian friends about what we're going through, I just get blank stares. They just don't get what we're doing FOR THEM so that they can live the life they do.
Sorry to be so bitter, but again, too few doing too much.
Posted by: J | 05/02/2007 at 18:24
I want to thank you for the response I got. Like I said I am completely new at this and I am trying to work through it. I have talked with Love my Tanker and she gave me great info thanks again. I knew it was going to be hard but I didn't think that I wouldn't get the answers from the RO that I got which was nothing he was so helpful before she left for basic but now I can't hardly get a second of his time.
Posted by: Dan | 05/02/2007 at 19:31
For myself, I have stopped feeling guilty about spending some "ME" money. I broke down and registered my three year old into the hourly daycare on post and take him there once a week for 4-5 hours. I go and get a pedicure after running all my errands. I treat myself also to a Starbucks Frappacino and enjoy those 5 hours to MYSELF to regroup my thoughts!
Posted by: Kelly Minor | 05/03/2007 at 00:42
I try so hard to have "Me" time. Sometime's I'm more able to do so than others. But no matter what is going on or what day it is, once the kids are in bed for the night I will do nothing but stuff that I want to do. I've been at this military wife thing for 9 years now and i've learned it's the only way to survive. Currently my hubby is serving in Afghanistan and this is how I get by. I found that I enjoy cuddling up with a good book for an hour or so before I go to bed or taking that long overdue soak in a hot bath. To me these are the important things. When I get so over stressed and extra busy my kids notice and say "Hey mom lets just sit down and snuggle awhile". They are only 6 & 8 and they keep me grounded. It's all part of being a team and remembering that your only as strong as your weakest link!
Posted by: Karen | 05/03/2007 at 10:06
OK .. it's me, Marine Wife. Navy Wife .. I hear what your saying and I do understand where "Sick of our Leadership" is coming from too. I am just so tired of all the negativity my husband is a Gunnery Sergeant in infantry and at times it's really hard. There are good things that are going on over there that no one hears about and it hurts me and it's really hard to stay strong when other spouses in the same situation start getting angry and blaming our government. I have to believe that our government is doing what's best for us - if I ever lose that feeling I will probably explode. My husband is currently in the reserves and has been gone more than half of my daughters 6 years on this earth. I know what people and/or the President said about WMD but they are not going to tell us the truth - at some point there was WMD because he (Saddam) killed thousands of his people and you can't do that by just thinking it. I went and read back what I wrote and I'm sorry to "SOL" but it sounds like she really needs to talk to someone professionally. As probably do I since I am pretty numb to all of this.
Sorry to get off the subject of what this article was intended for. I do have 2 children that I'm currently staying home with (will go back to work when hubby comes home) and do I ever need a break! I have no family, few friends and don't have a base near me so everything falls on my shoulders. BUT I will be going to Germany to meet my husband in a couple months while he's on his R&R and the in-laws will be watching the kids! That will be lots of fun. Take care everyone and hang in there.
Posted by: Marine Wife | 05/03/2007 at 10:32
Marine Wife... I agree with you in so much of what you have said. This is their job and what they love to do. They enlisted for a reason no matter if it was for college money or s sense of duty the fact remains they signed that dotted line knowing the end results would/could be the same. My hubby is in the National Guard at this piont but we have done the active duty thing as well. It's hard no matter which branch you are in. I hear enough negative comments from people who have no one in the armed forces serving in these places and I feel I don't need to hear them from fellow spouses. It sucks being apart and the fear we face each and everyday when the phone rings with that unknown # or someone knocks on the door and we don't know the car sitting in our drive way. But my husband is always telling me about the children he plays with each and everyday. About how appreciative they are when we send over toys, balls, pens, & paper for these kids. They are needed where they are at and they believe in why they are there no matter the cause that put them there! My hubby does intend to get out after this enlistment because of the stress that it puts on our family but while he's still gone you won't hear a word from either of us about the govt who ordered these missions or the politics that sent him there. It's our life and you get out of it what you put in!
Posted by: Karen | 05/03/2007 at 10:54
new ARMY Dad: I feel the same way I believe that there is a reason for all of this and I get si tired of all the bad news and none of the good !!! In some way I feel like the press is misleading the American people because all they talk about is death! I know that isn't all that happens over there. I hope that the people will someday understand what it is that our soldiers are fighting for!!!!!
Posted by: Dan | 05/04/2007 at 11:12
This article struck a note with me because my soldier is coming home after a 12 month deployment this month. The crazy frantic whirlwind is about to change again. But my son-in-law will pass him in the sky as he deploys for the first time. It is a crazy life, I make it through one day at a time. But the FRG leader who has it all together is working her stress out trying to help the other newer family members in the unit. Which is my point, as a FRG leader - I have made every mistake in the book. Why not have someone else learn from it. We don't have it all together trust me we just know what to expect next, if when it doesn't happen.
Posted by: Another Karen | 05/04/2007 at 13:15
Hey Sarah... Kings Bay would be it... email me destiny_star_59 at yahoo dot com... never hurts to have more local support.
Posted by: akasha | 05/04/2007 at 22:53
I am a prior Army brat, and now an Army wife. Reading these posts have definitely been interesting. It started out by us talking about how we can relieve stress and take care of ourselves. As military wives, it is especially true that we put some time aside to take care of ourselves. It is not selfish. It is necessary! My hubby always tells me that I should take care of myself. He says that he believes that you can not take care of others efficiently if you don't take care of yourself. As women, we tend to try to be martyrs and we exhaust ourselves. Our husbands don't need to be doing their job, and worry that we are home falling apart. My hubby joined the Army last June. He has almost been in a year. He went to Basic and AIT, and then came home for a month. Then, he went to Korea and will be back in November. In an 17 month period, we will have been separated from eachother due to military assignment for 16 months. We have already been told that he could be home for a minimum of a month, and then he would be deployable. Of course, I hope that it wouldn't be the case. As much as I dread that possibility, I know that I need to just worry about the present. Hope for the best, and prepare for the worst. Communication is the biggest key in keeping a marriage strong during a separation, whether short or lengthy. My husband and I make a conscious effort to make sure that we stay close. Intamacy is not just about the physical. Of course, as military wives, that part of marriage definitely gets limited because of military separations. My husband and I strive for emotional, mental, and spiritual intamacy. Each day, I just fall in love with him deeper and deeper. No, I didn't just get married. But, my hubby is my best friend and the love of my life. Military life isn't easy, but I believe you learn to manage. While he has been gone, I have been going to college and taking AFTB classes. And, I have managed our money and gotten us out of debt (as of October of this year). I believe that staying busy definitely makes the time to feel like it is going faster. But, sometimes it is good to just sit down and take a break. As an Army wife, one of the most important jobs that I have is to support and encourage my hubby. The separation is just as hard for him as it is for me, if not harder. I appreciate his service to our country. I will be honest I don't agree with everything our government does. But, no matter if we agree with the war or not, ultimately we need to support our troops no matter what. Yes, my hubby has not gone to Iraq yet. But, he is still serving our country overseas. Also, as military wives, we need to quit comparing who has the worst end of the deal. We need to encourage our fellow sister military wives. Everybody has hard times, and rough days. If you don't, I would like to know what you are smoking. LOL. Because, it means that you are in serious denial. Life is not perfect, but trials are make us grow stronger in our marriages, families, and personally. All our service members (Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force, Coast Gaurd) are serving our country and doing their part. They deserve complete respect, whatever way they are serving (Active Duty, Reserves, National Guard). As military wives, it is the hardest thing to do let our loved ones go to unknown or even dangerous places. I think that we need to encourage each other and not degrade each others' opinions. Every person in the United States is entitled to there opinion - Freedom of Speech. If you don't believe me - read the Constitution. We are all human, and deal with things in different ways. Whether our husbands are enlisted or officers, we need to encourage eachother. They are all in this fight together. In doing so, we as military wives, will be able to encourage our men much better. It is bad enough that we have people who out right protest what our service members do. Our soldiers are doing the best that they can in the situation that they are placed in. The encouragement and boost in their personal morale needs to come from home - us.
Posted by: ras4ever | 05/05/2007 at 15:43
I came late to the military life. The favorite thing that I used to tell my husband is all of the uniforms look the same. He use to get a little upset at that but they are. All solders basically protecting the world from evil. Just in different ways. Sorry if this upsets anyone but I don't know if any of our positions are that much different. We all have spouses that go away for long periods of time to protect the civilans who don't understand and have no concept of the sacrafices that they make. I MISS MY HUSBAND AND I WANT HIM HOME. I bet all of you do to.
Posted by: phyllis | 05/05/2007 at 18:14
I'm so glad I got to know this site. I'm also a navy wife, and like some mentioned, I don't think we should think of who's in a worse situation or better. We're all burn out with day to day activities, especially if you have kids (I have 2). And it's true that you forget about yourself. My husband suggested that maybe I should go back to school. But I've been taking care of my family, that even he says go ahead and do something for myself, I really don't know what to do. It's like I lost myself. It's ok to feel resentment (I do) and I know it's' unfair to blame anyone, but venting is not bad. Anyway, I know I'm not making any sense, but, I'm also in a situation where I'm so tired, frustrated, angry, resentful, and any negative feelings you can think of. But at the end of the day, we're in this situation and we just have to accept it. I mean, everyday of my life I asked myself, why is he doing this? Why is his country more important than his family? (I mean at least, that's how I feel sometimes, and I don't want any holier than though making comment about this, that's what this site is for, express your feelings!). And to top it off, we're in this IA, that we don't know who's our contact person (OMBUDSMAN), navy IA assigned with the army that's way out of our area.
Posted by: Dina | 05/07/2007 at 14:01
Hey New Army Dad here and I would like to say that even though I am new at this I feel the frustration and the lack of help. I have had no time to myself I can't even get family to hardly watch the kids while I go to the doctor. I has been hard on the kids sense there mommy went to Basic but with love and understanding we are almost through this part next is AIT but that is only 7 weeks and I was told she could have her cell(that will help all of us). I am glad that I found this site it let me know that I wasn't the only spouse out there that has to do without so the kids can have what they need which is love and attention. My kids are 2 1/2 and 7Mo and I am a stay at home Dad so I completely understand about not having time for anything but them. They are my life and I wouldn't change that but I wish I had more time for me. That is the only thing that I would change. I LOVE my wife with all my heart and I am so PROUD of her this is something that she has wanted to do for a long time but never had anyone that would support her through it. Now she is doing what her family said she could not do thay said she wasn't strong enough to do it. I have FAITH in her and nothing that anyone says can change that. Thanks for letting me vent alittle.
Posted by: Dan | 05/07/2007 at 17:26
Dina - I am also glad you found this site. This is a good place to vent and to get some support. Do you mean your Navy poc or the FRG leader of the Army unit your husband is attached to? If you are not sure of your POC, try contacting your husbands unit and have them figure all that out for you. They have a POC here that organizes mail drops to send to the guys in DH's shop on a regular basis, maybe they have someone like that in your DH's Command. Feel free to email me if you don't have any luck.
Posted by: NavyWife Wendy | 05/07/2007 at 17:35
Thanks, Wendy(NavyWife). My husband already asked him skipper, and nothing happened. I'm surer we're not in a unique situation, but, my husband is in Sacramento det. re-assigned to San Diego, IA thru the army in East Coast(funny, he calls himself Narmy now). I'm not really worried about mails and stuff like that. It's just that I don't have an actual contact person. I'm not even sure what det. is he supposed to be connected now. I know his unit where he is now, but it's so messed up. I'll take you up on your offer-what's your email address?
Dina/Narmy Wife
Posted by: Dina | 05/10/2007 at 12:28
I truly don't know what to do with myself since my love(hubby) left me. I try so hard to focus on other things but I can't. I miss him so much. It's hard knowing that he's there and I'm here.But, I will continue to pray for him and all the other husbands too. That was a load off too and I'm glad some one care about the spouses. Thanks!
Posted by: caprece30 | 05/19/2007 at 22:30
Hi Everyone,
I am not yet a spouse but may become one, so forgive me if I should not be on the website. I am just looking for somewhere to turn and for some serious, solid advice. I am a 34 year old, highly educated woman living and working in NYC. I have a lot of good family and friends here and have lived a life that is very different from a military life. I fell in love with a Marine Corps officer (major) and he just got back from deployment in Afghanistan. I have to say, I am terrified about the life of a military wife - moving around so much, having him be gone all the time. Can someone please tell me what it will really be like to be married to an officer in the marine corps? I know he wants to become a battalion commander. On top of everything else, he is a horrible communicator and keeps everything inside. He had two tours in Iraq on top of the last tour he just came back from. I am just so lost and confused and really need some honest advice. I need to know if I can even consider living this life. I feel like I have been living in denial about it for a long time but I love him so it's hard not to. Thanks
Posted by: glenn | 12/11/2007 at 12:49
People come on. I know that it is hard but as I have been told many times "you knew this was going to happen when you married him" Yeah I am sick of it also but the bottom line here ladies/gents is
1 Buy big girl Panties
2. Put them on
So you can deal with a lot of S&*@
After 18 years it does not get any better and yes I know you need to vent but don't trash other people. We are all in this together. We all have a "sister" bond that is closer then anything you could ever have with someone other then a Military wife.
Posted by: Proud Army Wife of 18 years | 07/13/2008 at 15:13