Snowflakes

I finished writing my comment in response to AWTM's post on technology, and I started thinking about this monolithic thing we call Deployment.  We all talk as if it's one shared experience, and in many ways it is.  But I've come to think that deployments are like snowflakes: they're all snow, of course, but each one is unique.

My husband and his best friend were both armor platoon leaders in Iraq, which meant they technically had the exact same job.  Both during OIF II, both in the same battalion, both living on the same FOB.  But their snowflakes couldn't have been more different.  My husband was in a cormex, his buddy in a building.  His buddy therefore had internet access in his room and was constantly online, webcam roaring; my husband had to put on kevlar any time he wanted to see someone else in his own platoon, much less get to a computer or phone.  His buddy's area of operations was right outside the gate, while my husband had to travel miles and miles to get to his, often staying "outside the wire" for weeks at a time.  We're talking same patch on the right shoulder, same job, same rotation...and these two men couldn't have more different stories of what deployment was like for them.

It's easy for us to scoff at civilians and say they just don't understand what we're going through.  But don't you remember during deployment feeling like other spouses in the exact same boat as you just didn't get it?

My comment on AWTM's post was about how technology can create feelings of competition and resentment among some spouses. Some wives in our battalion would brag of how often their husbands called, as if it meant that their husbands loved them more. Others who didn't have the same amount of contact battled envy and resentment. And since every spouse assumes every other spouse has the same amount of contact, it was hard for some wives to hear about all these phone calls and emails that they weren't getting.  I had a wife come to me in tears because her best friend talked nonstop about how often she and her soldier communicated, and this wife hadn't heard from her husband in weeks.  She started to doubt their relationship because it seemed everyone else's husbands were always on the phone.  And her relationship with her best friend was breaking down because she felt like her friend was only making her agony worse.

It's hard when you're the one with little contact to listen to chatter of how often other couples are talking.  Not everyone has a webcam or nightly IMs, and when you don't, it's hard to suppress the feelings of jealousy and anger when your friends constantly remind you of what you're missing.  Or when they complain that they got cut off of IM after an hour of chatting, and you haven't had a single word from your spouse in weeks.  Then it's hard to not feel the schadenfreude when the same friend completely panics after two days without an email.  And then you feel guilty for not being happier for your friends, which turns into sadness, which turns into more deployment headaches caused by nothing more than competition with the one person who should be your closest ally in this difficult time.

It's completely natural for us to get self-focused during a deployment.  We worry about our own soldier, we want to hear from our own spouse, and we want our own children to see daddy or mommy on the webcam.  But I think it can't hurt for us to step back sometimes and ask our friends how they're feeling during a deployment.  Maybe your good friend is feeling vulnerable and sad today, and you don't see it because you're thinking about your own snowflake.  Maybe she hasn't heard from her husband in a while and just needs someone to acknowledge that it sucks.  Maybe she wants you to ask her when the last time she heard from her husband was before you launch into talking about the last conversation with yours.

My humble advice to anyone in a deployment is to be a bit discreet about how often you hear from your darling spouse, because not everyone is enjoying the same level of connectivity.  Remember that deployments are snowflakes, and yours might look quite different from your best friend's, even if her husband is the same rank, same FOB, same job.

Comments

[Andi]

Such a great point, Sarah.

[Butterfly Wife]

I'll agree too. Thanks for the reminder. I'm a phone tree caller for our FRG. This morning I got a call from a mother who was complaining that she had not heard from her son in at least a month and a half. She just wanted someone connected with the unit to talk to. She does not have computer access either so that doesn't help. She would definitely not be a person to whom I would complain that I keep getting disconnected when IMing with my husband nightly.

Otherwise I have no one to complain to except you all! So thanks for listening to me. Hope I'm not too whiney (I'll try to keep that to my blog.)

[Love My Tanker]

Sarah, wonderful post and your advice is so sound.

I have been on both sides of that coin during various deployments and never discussed with other wives in our units how often or how seldom I heard from DH. Simply out of respect for everyone, just as your post explains.

I have girlfriends that are at our old duty station going through a deployment yet again, we have since PCSd, but I try to honor their current journey when we talk and not speak of my own past deployment road and sometimes not even of DH's current job. They need me now and they need me to listen and sometimes to just send flowers telling them how much I care :)

[Shanna]

Great post and great advice! When I'm feeling down when I don't hear from DH in a while, I try to remember both of my grandmothers who had to go through WWII with their husbands gone. One in the Navy, the other in the Army. They were LUCKY to get 1 letter every couple of months and even then it was edited. I figure if they can do it, so can I.

[Aly]

great post - quite insightful. now if only i had spouse friends with whom i could have these conversations...

[Marine Wife]

Great point. I'd also like to point out that each deployment is different for each family. Circumstances tend to be different giving each deployment it's own personality!

[Sarah]

I'm glad this post went over well; I really didn't want to come off as preachy. I just hated when stuff like this seemed to tear apart spouses during the deployment when we should've been able to support each other without competition or jealousy.

[airforcewife]

Sarah, you made such an excellent point.

Everyone's deployment experience is different, even though we hold such a great deal in common.

The LAST thing we should be doing is competing with each other or expecting our experiences to be just like someone else's.

[HeatherL]

Wow- This is EXACTLY what i needed to hear today. Things have been so rough latley, This week i have had a car break down, my son's first birthday, a cold, and the bank account is empty.... My husband doesnt call home often, We havent spoken in two weeks, and then this morning my friend tells me her husband (same EVERYTHING) is calling home every morning. Talk about a blow!
I hadn't thought that maybe their "snowflakes" are different- Thanks for lending me a different perspective, Maybe i'll put my carton of ice cream back in the freezer and stop feeling so sorry for myself! ;)

[Robin]

What a great post, Sarah! I remember having these same feelings during the deployment. My best friend was one who heard from her husband usually daily, while I sometimes went weeks without talking to mine. Same company and everything. In fact, sometimes what it all boiled down to was different personalities. But I understand that about my husband, and I appreciated every call or email I got from him. But some days, the days when I really needed to talk to him or have someone to vent to, it was really tough to know that many of his soldiers were calling home frequently...usually because HE made sure they called home.

[LAW]

my friends know that we try to IM in the evenings (his morning, he gets up early to do it)but we paid the extra $$ for the internet access in his room. They are all on the same base, one of the others also has acces in the room, but one doesn't. My friends will ask that my husband tell their husband/son to call/write...

But I also don't like it when I get the "well, he's not really deployed... he doesn't go outside the wire a lot...." That's his job. He's very good at it, and he works very hard at it, 15 hours a day.

So the advice to remember that we are all having a different deployment, is great.

LAW

[Sarah]

Robin: I should've also added that my husband's friend is chatty while my husband most certainly is not. He hates the phone even in peacetime :)

LAW: You're right that all jobs during deployment are different, and the guy manning the radio on the FOB is needed just as much as the guy kicking down the door.

[Navy Wife]

Trying to relate this post to the "Submarine World": If a sailor from my husbands boat showed up on my door step with a letter "smelling like the boat", I learned to be discreet. Chances were there had been no mail drop. That sailor had usually been BSP'd off or knew the sailor that was. For whatever reason email really never worked for me while he was at sea...so I know the feeling of other wives getting tons of email and my inbox barely "trickling" with msg's. Great post Sarah.

[Robin]

Sarah, sounds like our husbands are alike in that aspect. Whenever he goes TDY he usually stays "too busy" to call home. The last time I finally told him that I expect him not to call much when he's deployed for combat (there are more important things for him to worry about in my opinion), but when he's TDY in a hotel with his cell phone, there's no reason he can't give me a quick call. He did much better last time. :-)

[Margaret]

AMEN!!

I had a wife call me and ask me how many times I had talked to my husband b/c she had not talked to hers in a month. Her husband was my husband's lieutenant and I knew there was no reason for him not to be calling her. I did not inform her that I had talked to my husband every night that week. Instead I emailed my husband and asked him to get his lieutenant to call his family. I don’t know why he did not call her – it was none of my business.

Since I was in charge of the phone tree - there were other times I emailed the master sergeant and would ask him to ask a certain soldier to call home b/c a family member was worried. Annoying to him – probably. But at least the family members felt like they had an avenue to get messages to their soldiers, and know that they were okay.

[LAW]

Margaret - my husband is the one that gets asked to get the kids to call home. He has been known to ask the guys... have you called home, before Valentine's day he reminded them to send flowers (one guy actually told him, "my wife wouldn't care about that stuff...")

He reminds them to call Mom as well as the girlfriend... reminds them to send a card, or an email.

LAW

[Deirdre]

Excellent post!!! Before I learned about the complications of deployment, I accidentedly told people when I have and haven't heard from DH, Now i say O every few days no matter the truth. I dont want to be the one that causes problems because so and so didn't call so and so...Or e mail or whatever...There are times I do not hear from him for days or a few times weeks. I have learned to wait for it... And call the right friend!!!

[RedLegMeg]

Great post Sarah, so very well said. It's a reminder to us all that there are always reasons behind the amount of communication (whether frequent or infrequent) we receive from our spouse and side-by-side comparisons just don't work.

[US Navy Wife]

Thank you, Sarah. My frustration is that my husband tells me that his internet access is spotty, at best. So, I get no emails, no IMS, no pictures, no nuttin.

I do get a phone call about every 10 days to 2 weeks.

Imagine my frustration when I read blogs originating from the same FOB, with pictures and almost daily updates. How is this possible with flakey internet?

Because of your post, Sarah, I've decided that the snowflakes are just a little more dense the blogger's side of the FOB, and flurries on my husband's.

Thank you. You may have saved my marriage. We're 6 months into this and the contact is the least amount ever. I wear his wedding ring on a chain around my neck and lately it's been bugging me that he didn't take it with him.

[mismysailor]

US Navy Wife sorry during this deployment you're getting snowed on!

[Wendy]

Well said! Each soldier is different, each living quater is different. My husband has internet in his room so I am fortunate to hear from him. The only thing about that is though, that like today for example, he told me he'd IM me because it is maintenance day (meaning they wont go on patrol)but it is now 9:39 at night (4:39 am his time) and I have been checking yahoo messenger ALL DAY and still nothing!! He's always punctual about his IMs!! So, not hearing from him....I get a little tense!!! Maybe they did a surprise raid or something???? I'll wait until tomorrow and see ......
Also, I am a reseervists wife and there are no other army spouses I really know well enough to compare stories with. I pray a lot! LOL

[Laura Roberts]

Actually they can be on the same FOB and have different internet access. I run servers so I know. The one he has access to could be having problems and going down all the time. The environment there is not a friend to the internet servers they use.

On our last deployment I got spoiled as my DH was able to call every day...we'd talk for an hour. We had webcam, internet, and chat.

This deployment I'm having withdrawals. No cam, no internet. Few emails, and when the phones aren't down...short calls. So yes, it's different everytime, and the mission right now is always changing on them.

I agree with not talking about how much contact you have. It may cause unnecessary hurt. Thank you for posting this and reminding us all.

Hang in there .... we can do this.

Laura