Good List

Rebekah Sanderlin nails it in her latest online article, The Worst Things You Can Say to a Woman Whose Husband is Deployed.  We've all been there (male spouses too, even though she writes it from the wife perspective).  Go read it!

Comments

[airforcewife]

Sarah, this is awesome. Totally awesome!

I so agree, and I love that she attacks this with a humorous twist. A big part of how I keep my sanity is by using humor - if I don't laugh, I'm going to cry...

Thanks for finding this!

[Ann M.]

Thank you for passing this along!

I'm never bored when he's gone because if I'm bored, then I'm thinking too much...and if I'm thinking, then I'm going to start crying...

[dual miltiary wife]

This post is soooo true. I was sure to pass the column onto my friends. Thanks for the laugh!! :)

[Guard Wife]

So right on! LOL I think if we all sat down we could come up with a very similar list. Another example of how we are more connected than not in our experiences.

[slickbug]

I'm sorry if what I'm about to say offends a lot of you, but I totally disagree with this article. My husband is on his sixth deployment and I am not bothered by people asking any of those questions. Furthermore, the list of questions basically implies that ANYTHING anyone says while trying to be sympathetic to a military spouse will be offensive. I'd rather not have civilians around me walking on eggshells. I've had other military wives make comments that were just as if not more offensive than any of these comments.

[mismysailor]

The only one that really gets to me is when they want to tell me about their spouses 3 week trip thru Europe, that makes me want to scream but I take the others in stride. There are those days where it's nice to be reminded that not everyone is cut out for my life.

[airforcewife]

slickbug - I'm not offended by what you said. But I DO get offended by several of the questions that were presented. I don't want civilians walking on eggshells around me either. And the last way I want to present myself is with a large chip on my shoulder.

I love it when civilians ask if, "Is there anything I can do to help?" and mean it. I also love it when they ask me if it would be okay if they send my hubby cards. If they ask me what it is like because they don't understand, I will explain over and over again quite happily. And if they ask me about something they've seen and/or heard to get my take on it (if they really want to listen) I think that's wonderful.

By the same token, when one of my good friends was diagnosed with a debilitating illness, I never told her, "I know what you feel like! This morning I woke up and my side was sore from sleeping on it!"

In many cases, it's not the questions asked - it's the WAY the question is asked. We have a problem with practicing basic politeness in our society now, a problem that is not only present in civilians. Just about any question can be asked, if asked in the right way.

[Jennifer]

A big AMEN to that! Another question that I got asked a lot from civilian friends was "aren't you mad that Bush sent your husband over there?" Mad at him for what? Expecting my husband to do his job? I don't know about the rest of your spouses, but I know that mine couldn't WAIT to get over there! He felt like he had been training for this forever, and he finally got a chance to do something! I have no problem with people asking me questions, but I don't appreciate people looking down on me for the way I feel. I have to be supportive of the war, otherwise, what's the point?

[angela]

My husband left just last week for Iraq. People often asked him if that is were he was headed? He would say that we like to call it backpacking through southwest Asia for a year. Hey their husbands go on cool business trips so why not mine?

[Molly Pitcher]

Here's another list that's been around for a while. Many of the entries are similar (shows these remarks are fairly common) but there are a few additional ones so I think it is worth reading both. I couldn't find a link to the original but I blogged about it last year: http://mollypitcher.blogspot.com/2006/03/what-not-to-say.html

[Michelle]

The one comment that sticks out to me came from a family member...and yes I am still holding a grudge 4 years later. We were stationed in Germany and hubby left for deployment. I sent out an email to family and friends after he had finally gone (we were back and forth for DAYS before he actually left, no surprise there!). I just said in the email that he had finally left and that the day had been hard for all of us. I got a reply back from his stepmom saying...and I quote...we are sad that he left, but now you (meaning ME) have a job to do too, and two kids that are depending on you, so be strong and it will all be ok...end quote. Ok, I may have been born at night but it was NOT last night...does she really think I am THAT stupid? We had been in the Military for 15 years at that point in time, and while it was our first deployment, we were certinly no strangers to him being gone. Some way to show your support...I KNOW I have a job to do, I have been doing it well for 18 years now. Hubby is getting ready to deploy again and now we live near them...I can say that it is going to be an interesting year while he is gone. Hopefully I will get no comments from the peanut gallery this time.

[angela]

The more I think about it the really stupid questions came before he left. Are you SURE he is going? Did anything change since yesterday? Could they change their mind and not send him? How is it possible you don't know what day he is leaving? My mom called everyday leading up to his deployment convinced they had made a mistake. When she would call and say "Don't worry he could still not have to go" I would say "is the war over because I watch the same news station you do and I missed that this morning". I also love the why are you not more upset question. I have 3 kids I try to fall apart after they have gone to bed. People really don't get what we deal with. My 7 year old got in trouble with the police this weekend. Her and some of her friends(whose dads just got deployed also) went out and wrote on people's cars with rocks. Yes, my husband's name is forever scratched into other's cars and even my own. Well at least until I get the bill to fix everyone's car. My family has no idea what these kids are going through and they can't figure out why a kid who has never been in trouble before would do that. Everyone has their own idea, but it is because she is upset her dad is gone. If I hear one more time how could you let your daughter who is only 7 fall in with the "wrong crowd" I am going to scream. I wish our non military family would quit trying to analyze us and back off. Sorry just a little stressed right now with family coming to visit in 2 days.

[k]

Alot of times it's not so much the question but how it's being asked and by whom. Trust is a big issue and if I don't know the person I kinda want to know why they are asking.

Another wife & I were just talking about this the other day and comparing notes on which ones rile us up the most. Near the top: "Is he in danger 24 hours a day?" Hmmm let's review...he IS in a war zone 24 hours a day, insurgents don't take smoke breaks so there's always something to tend to, he dodges bullets and ieds, sometimes he has to wear full battle rattle just to get chow, and he sleeps with a rifle. I don't know, do you think he's earned his hostile fire & combat zone pay yet?

Also near our top: "when's he coming home?" Sometimes I just want to say "maybe never" just so I can watch the reality sweep across their face. It's mean spirited but dang it, when I have details I will share them, until then quit asking b/c I DON'T KNOW.

I also don't like when people try to talk politics. My husband and I are entitled to our opinion and I think we've earned the right to think what we want about this war. We don't need to justify our position or who we're voting for and why.

Sorry for the rant. It's been a loooong week and it's only Tuesday!

[Heather S.]

Thank you so much! This made my day. Sometimes I just need to know that I'm not the only person who feels sad, angry, anxious, slightly crazy during all of this deployment stuff. It really helped to hear that other people feel like many things people say to "be helpful" are insensitive. I have one to add:

When my husband finished 4 years of active duty, we decided to leave the military. I was so excited that my husband was moving home with me (we lived apart during his last year of active duty) and was sharing my excitement with everyone. My boss successfully and completely quelled my happiness by saying, "Yeah, but he could get called back in, couldn't he?" Wow. Thanks a bunch. Just what I want to be thinking about as we look forward to living together again. Ironically, he did get called back less than 6 months later. Understandably, I was upset. One of his family members thought that it would help to remind me that, "Well, he did volunteer for this, you know." Nope. Actually, he didn't volunteer to be involuntarily re-called and involuntarily re-classified to a job that he knew nothing about. Thanks for the sympathy, though.

Okay...enough of my ranting. It really does help to get these things off of my chest in a safe zone where people understand. Then I can go back to being strong and to appreciating the people who really do try to help, even if they don't quite understand.

Heather

[Tamber]

I can definitely relate to the frustration of hearing any or all of these questions, but I get especially steamed by the "you/they volunteered for this" comments. Yes, my husband volunteered to serve his country. Yes, I knew that I was marrying a Soldier. However for many of us, this is not the military we "volunteered" for. 12 years ago when he decided to join the Army, we were not a nation at war. Conflict in Iraq was the past, not the future. If you heard the word "terrorist" or "insurgent" you were probably watching a movie. I was clueless about what being a MilSpouse meant. When we got married, the deployments I feared were 6-month rotations to Bosnia or Kosovo. It is amazing how perspectives change. It is amazing how you learn some things the hard way, even in a peacetime military family.
I'm very proud to be a military wife. I am proud of all you MilSpouses out there, as well as your spouses. I am awed by those of you who chose this life AFTER the world changed on 11 Sept 2001. I like to think that, given the choice today, I would follow the same path, but I don't really know if I would. I know my husband would still choose to serve his country. You never truly know what you're getting into when you become a MilSpouse, but you guys certainly had a clearer picture of how hard it would be. Thank you for "volunteering"! :)

[Stacy]

My biggest annoyance was from my MIL. When my husband deployed to Iraq in Dec of '04, she said "now you know how Susie feels." Susie is my SIL. She and her husband *chose* to live apart (3 hours in distance) while he worked full-time and was getting his Masters and she stayed in her hometown w/ the support of her parents, sister, grandparents, etc, etc, etc. Um, yeah, that's the same.

[arangerswife]

This list hit home for me. This is the first deployment for my husband and I am tired of the "well-meaning" questions that come from people. I understand that my husband is doing what he wants to do. It is not up to someone else to tell me that they disagree with it. Yes, my husband truely "volunteered" to go to Afghanistan. Yes, I miss him every day. Yes, I am worried about him 24 hours a day. No, I do not want you to feel "sorry" for me for what I am going through. I do wish that I had a better support system since my husband is the only one out of his unit that is gone. No, you do not understand what I am going through. No, you cannot even comprehend the fear and the thoughts and the worry. As of today, my husband has been told that he will be leaving Afghanistan on April 13th, after being over there a year. I will believe that date when I see the orders. Thanks for letting me rant....it feels good to get some things off my chest!!

[liberal army wife]

the "he volunteered" is one of those responses that makes me seriously question my rules of being a lady. But I also don't relish spending time incarcerated! Since we are National Guard, that difference in when we signed up (and YES I said we, this was a joint decision) and now is 180 degrees. The younger troops have it much rougher, and many of their wives are so bewildered. Those troops signed up for college money, bunked at the armoury one weekend a month and "played army" up at the local Camp once a year, bungling in the jungle, not taking showers and generally having a high old time. YES, they trained, but they still considered it to be something they did very part time, it wasn't their whole life!

unless they have/had boots in the Sand, they don't understand. the 3 week fishing/hunting trip to Canada? let's see... Bambi isn't armed, I don't think they are getting mortared daily, I don't think they are working 14-16 hour days, in battle rattle, separated from their families for 18 months already with the prospect of 4 more... so NO, you don't understand.

getting off soap box now.. carry on.

LAW.

[CaitieMac]

I just got a phone call from one of my mother's friends earlier tonight. I should have let the machine get it! She was saying that she heard that my bf was deployed and it must be a tough time right now for us. Before I could say, "Thank you for your concern, but we're doing ok." This woman jumps right into a diatribe of her political views. She seemed confused when I didn't take the bait and said nothing in response to her obviously enlightened thoughts. I just said, "OK, well I'll give my mother the message. Take care." Click! I'm sorry, but my boyfriend's deployment is not an open invitation for your ranting, lady! It doesn't help. One way or the other, it really only annoys me. If you want to offer your support or show a bit of concern, fine, but I really don't care about what you have to say about the war or your voting record.
Sorry if I'm rambling, but she really pissed me off. It would be one thing if this was the first time this has happened, but there are a LOT of people like her out there! Grr! Isn't there someone else they can bother for the next year?!

[Air Force mom]

I'm not sure if I should be writing on here because I'm not a military spouse, but an mom. I liked this article for the most part, but like a few who have commented, we have heard these same questions, from MILITARY SPOUSES in regards to our son being deployed. More than anything, there was a great lack of interest in what our son did in Iraq while stationed at Balad and under attack 2-3 times a day. Their questions were not only inconsiderate coming from people you thought would understand, but their comments of comparison were even worse. "At least he's only your son and not your spouse...at least he doesn't have to be gone as long...at least he is on a base...at least you didn't have to raise kids by yourself...he is certainly not in as much danger as MY spouse was." And the list goes on. Like anyone who has went to war, my son only slept a few short hours a day, had to wear his body armor, slept with his gun, went to the hospital for being too close to a blast and another time for having cancer causing agents sprayed on him while working on a jet, lost a pilot from the unit they were deployed with, missed his family and friends, missed the United States, but was glad and proud that he was serving his country so that we could sit here and listen to the garbage that people have the freedom to say. No one from his family but his brothers, and his mom and dad were at his send off or his welcome home. Nobody greeted him when he came home as he was the only one from his hometown and it obviously was too much bother even by the other military families whom we supported when their loved ones left and came home again. No, you are not alone in your feelings but we all can also be quite similar to the way we feel the general public feels and communicates in a way that we feel they may not understand, to each other. It is so important to remember that no matter who the soldier, whether they be a spouse, a mother, a father, a son or a daughter, or where they are stationed, we are to be in this together and there is a sacrifice on everyone's part. But when we start focusing on the same love for our God, our country and our families that our service men and women have, we will truly understand the meaning of sacrifice and maybe our jobs supporting them won't seem quite so bad. We are very blessed that we have a God who holds us close through all of this and no matter what happens, He is there to get us through it if we allow Him.

[Laura]

I thought that was a cute list of phrases. I know people are trying to be nice and trying to find the right thing to say, so I am understanding when most of those things are said to me. My husband is currently on month 15 of a deployment to Afghanistan. Every time somebody tells me "at least he isn't in Iraq" I explain that just because the media doesn't cover everything happening over there, doesn't mean it isn't happening and that I would pray for him just has hard if he were in Iraq as I do now.

A lady at the ticket counter at United Airlines in Atlanta chose to argue the point with me after I offered my military ID before getting my boarding pass several months ago. She said, if your husband in Iraq? I answered, "no, he is in Afghanistan." She said, "you must be very happy." My daughter looked at me and I at her in amazement. I asked the lady what she meant, and she explained that it is dangerous in Iraq, but not in Afghanistan. I politely and quietly stood there until I had my boarding pass in hand, then, I informed her how many men my husband's unit had lost several men in the last 4 weeks and that it would probably be beneficial for her to understand that we have military members serving around the world who are in harms way....not only in Iraq or Afghanistan. I walked away and never looked back, but she was still arguing her point I was halfway up the tunnel.