Confessions of a Lonely Spouse

I have a confession to make: I didn't like being stationed in Germany.

Most people consider travel to be one of the perks of military life, especially when they get to get stationed overseas for a while.  Most consider it a great opportunity and the highlight of their domestic life.  I just really didn't like it.  I found being in Germany inconvenient and burdensome.  I'll note here that I had already lived in France and Sweden and speak both of those languages, so it wasn't that I was some sort of xenophobic bumpkin.  I simply felt that our military presence in Germany was wasteful, and all the gas subsidies, bread factories, and astronomical recycling costs that our country had to foot the bill for were not worth our tax payers' dollars.  Being there was a burden on my heart, and I would've felt more comfortable at the dreaded Polk or Bliss.

But I'm so alone in that feeling.

I went to a dinner recently with several of the wives who lived near me in Germany.  And I grew weary of hearing over and over how much they missed and loved everything about Germany.  I hardly ever say anything because it's uncomfortable to rain on people's Germany parade, but I always feel so lonely when I feel like the only one in the crowd who thinks this way.

We spouses have a lot in common.  We all have PCS stories and Tricare woes, and many of them are so similar.  In fact, I had almost the same PCS story as Linda, where our fax didn't go through and our HHG never got sent.  We all can relate to so many of the same feelings and hardships, so it seems strange for me to feel so different in this one aspect of military life.  I often feel like the only wife who didn't like living in Germany, which is isolating and lonely.  In a sea of similarities, this one glaring difference is hard to swallow.

Sometimes we who feel differently from the spouses around us just need a safe place to say we disagree with the norm.  I don't like the uncomfortable moment that follows when I tell people that I didn't like living in Germany, but I feel like I can talk about it here where I have the power of the internet to shield me a little from feeling like an outsider.  Maybe you need this space too to talk about something in the military you feel differently about that you don't like talking about in person.

Whose parade do you need to rain on in private?

Comments

[LAW]

Not everyone likes the same places. I loved Germany, but then it's home. My grandmother was still alive when we were stationed there, and she lived near Frankfurt.

I find being in some military settings awkward, since I am of a different political leaning than many of the other wives and family members. And yes, that can be lonely, but I have found a few others "like me" out there, some in the Brigade and some in the Blogosphere.

But when push comes to shove, we do seem to stick together. I don't know if it's an Us v. Them, or if it's the herding instinct, but its also easier to be with others who speak the same language.

LAW

[MO]

My first year in AK was hard. I was basically shunned for not saying it was the best place in the world. I miss it, as it had grown on me and I made wonderful friends, but people should realize, not everybody likes the same things. Which is why we now have shopping malls instead of the local Merc. .. LOL :P

[christina]

Don't feel bad for not liking Germany. You have that right. When we first moved to San Diego, all I heard was how wonderful it is going to be. I hate it here!!! I have lived here for over a year, and have made not one good friend. I live in base housing. I hate it so much, and all people tell me is, it is because you don't have small children. You don't have anything in common with the other wives... really? Wow! I didn't know I needed to have small kids to make friends. I feel so isolated, and my husband has been deployed almost the whole time we have lived here. I don't care to ever live here again. Give me middle America any day!! Give me the south, but never ever give me San Diego again! Please never feel that you have to hold in how you feel, because if you don't like something for whatever reason, I guess you just don't like it. At least you gave it a shot. Good luck to you, and all of us, Christina

[PLC]

I undertand completely. We have been here at Fort Hood almost a year and I still don't see what people were talking about when they would go on-and on about what a "Great Place" it is and how much we would love it.Nope, not liking it at all.

We lived in Belgium for three years which was great (there were many days that I didn't feel that way). The opportunities to travel were really wonderful. But when people tell me they want a posting in Europe I try to tell them it really isn't all travel and fun. In most cases it means being a 9-15 hour plane ride from your family and everyone you know. I also agree with Sarah there is a lot of money being wasted. Just imagine how much it costs to get our household goods across the ocean twice!

[PLC]

I undertand completely. We have been here at Fort Hood almost a year and I still don't see what people were talking about when they would go on-and on about what a "Great Place" it is and how much we would love it.Nope, not liking it at all.

We lived in Belgium for three years which was great (there were many days that I didn't feel that way). The opportunities to travel were really wonderful. But when people tell me they want a posting in Europe I try to tell them it really isn't all travel and fun. In most cases it means being a 9-15 hour plane ride from your family and everyone you know. I also agree with Sarah there is a lot of money being wasted. Just imagine how much it costs to get our household goods across the ocean twice!

[Moose]

No you are not alone I had a friend when we were there that counted the days they would finally get to PSC back “home”. I personally loved it, but I had never traveled before my husband joined the Army. Maybe you didn’t like it because you didn’t look at it as a new adventure. You had already had that sort of adventure. . For me, I love Christmas stuff and once I discovered that the German’s have the same love I was hooked on Germany. And what little girl doesn’t dream of living in a castle- Germany has so many to visit that every weekend we were out exploring. It was fun. We lived on post and I worked on post so it was like living in America during the work week and taking a vacation to Europe every weekend.

[Jennifer]

How funny, I feel that I get the opposite reaction from people when I speak of Germany. My husband and I lived there for 4 years, and it became home for us. We loved it, miss it, and we will always consider it home, even above the state we hail from. Sometimes you go to a place and you know that is where you belong - Germany was that place for me. However, whenever I mention that to people who have not been stationed in Germany, I get the strangest looks. Like they can't understand why I would prefer to live in a foreign country. I feel sometimes like they believe I have less patriotic spirit than others, because I don't want to live in the US. I have lived in New Zealand and South Korea as well, and while I enjoyed the culture of both countries, Europe will always call to my heart. It's not that I don't LOVE the USA, on the contrary, both my husband and I have dedicated our lives to serving this country, each in our own way. I just wish we could serve it again from Germany - after all, home is where the heart is!

[Emily]

Do NOT feel like you are alone in disliking Germany. My boyfriend is due to PCS back from Ramstein in July or August, and he's counting down the days. Sundays are impossible to get anything done, because everything is closed. Service for any technical is next to impossible to get if you live off-base...god forbid there be an emergency of some sort. Especially when someone (ahem) needs to go to the emergency room off-base because you aren't spouses yet and few people speak German. Yes, even in the KMC, there are Germans who speak only German. (The shock!)

The Autobahn is great, and he's a car nut so he loves being around European vehicles, but even that isn't enough to keep things on the positive side most of the time for him.

I came home from my visit, and breathed a sigh of relief that everyone around me was speaking English, that I could go to Walmart at 1:30 in the morning if I wanted to, and my friends and family were at most only two time zones away. Don't get me wrong--it was great to visit, and I love going to Europe for vacation. I lived abroad in Scotland for part of college, and even that took a little getting used to.

But as my boyfriend says...being stationed outside of the US gives you a greater appreciation for what we do have. Some people will never understand that, so feel fortunate that you do.

[R]

I have a different 'outsider' feeling. I am not religious at all, yet so many families in the military are. I recently put off getting together with someone I knew years ago at a previous duty station because they seem so much more religious now than before. I don't believe in god, and I'm afraid of getting in an argument over it.

[dizzylizzie]

hi R.,
me too about the god thing. it took my in laws about ten years before they realized just becasuse i dont belive doesnt make me a bad person. and its kinda strange too because i dont exactly mention to people upon first meeting them 'hey you know there really is no god'. i could know someone for months and the subject wouldnt come up, then one day it does and i never hear from these people again. and all i have to say is 'um..well..actually i dont belive in a god' really, thats about all it takes. and suddenly ive gone from 'that nice lady next door' to 'heathan'or 'anarchist', of which i am neither.
i cant tell you all the horrid names ive been called behind my back simply because i choose not to believe the same thing they do. i do my best never to bring up the subject but if i'm asked point blank, which, thankfully usually doesnt happen, i wont lie. i just kinda shrug and say 'eh..well..i dont believe in that sorta thing'. that statement is generally followed by the deer in headlights look on their part and change of subject on mine.

[Heather S.]

Maybe there are more of us "closet atheists/agnostics" out there than we thought. I can definitely relate...American society (not just the military) is so blatantly Christian. I think that it can be very hard to not share those beliefs. For a long time, I had perfected the "smile and nod;" but it gets harder. My poor husband gets tired of hearing "There are no atheists in foxholes." "Really?" he says. "Then where am I?" :-)

[Carole B]

Now I don't feel so bad for not wanting to go to Germany! My husband is about to complete AIT and we have orders for Baumholder. All I ever hear is "Oh, Germany, that must be so exciting, I would love to go there!" Are you kidding me? I'd like to visit and I'm sure it will be great, but what people don't realize is that this will be my first military move, and it'll be to a whole other country. I have no idea what I'm doing and no one to guide. I've packed up and moved to another state so I could be close to the hubby while he goes through AIT and so I could spend those infrequent weekend passes with him, but I live next to the base, not on it, so I don't have other milspouses to go to. I'm sure Germany is great, but frankly, I'd rather stay home.

[ArmyWife_Infantryman]

I would have loved to go to Germany or anywhere else across seas but I didn't get that opportunity. All the overseas orders my husband got were unaccompanied so the families couldn't go and we didn't even have the money for me to fly to see him or for him to come home for a visit. He went to Germany for 3 years before we met and said he would have loved to go back. Maybe someday we will take a vacation there or some of the other places he went. I would have rather been moved where he was than not see him for a year and they didn't have the internet access they get now, nor did we get to use fax machines so getting letters (usually 5-6 all at once because they took so long to get here) and 1-2 phone calls a month that were less than an hour(which cost $200.00) was all we had for communication.

I also found some posts we didn't like very well at the time we were there but when we moved to another one we found out that the one we just moved from wasn't so bad. Some of them we actually miss and plan to go back sometime and show the kids where they lived when they were babies.

I was 19 when we got married and wouldn't trade all those life experiences of military life. I am 35 now and after my husband retired it took us a few years to adjust to civilian life. It is a different world. You know military life but feel so disconnected when you go on post, at least the pharmacy lines have gotten a lot better than they used to be.

[LAW]

glad to hear I'm not the only agnostic around. the overtly christian makeup of the service makes me crazy. I have also found that when I am backed into a corner and have to say that I don't "do" religion/church, the look changes from friendship to "what kind of person ARE you?" The same one you liked a few minutes ago! As my "nickname" implies, I'm a liberal too... oh I am SO persona non grata at some of the functions, believe me!

LAW

[Tamber]

I have lived in Germany for the past 3 years, and we've extended for a few more. I love living here. There are days that I long for the convenience of a 3 a.m. trip to Walmart, or actually getting to shop on Sundays. But the experiences we've had here far outweigh the small annoyances. Having said that, I understand that Germany is not for everyone. I'm sorry some of you were miserable here. I have been miserable at posts (that shall remain nameless) that others rave about. We're all different.

The reason I'm writing is for Carole B. If you do come to Germany, please, PLEASE, try to like it. If you come with the attitude that you will hate it, then you will. It is NOT the US. It makes me so sad to see families that come here expecting it to be just like home. It is not. So then they are miserable. It is not THAT terribly different, but there are some things you just have to accept. Like no shopping on Sundays. The best thing you can do for yourself is to go off post. Enroll in your post's newcomer class. Learn how to use public transportation. Learn some German. Even a slight knowledge of the language makes all the difference in the world. Get involved in your FRG. I can guarantee some of the other spouses will be German, and can help you get around. Travel! All of Europe is literally at your doorstep. (Especially in Baumholder, you are close to Frankfurt Hahn airport and can take super cheap Ryan Air flights all around Europe). Please do not come here expecting to be unhappy. Because then you will be.
I hope this doesn't come off as preachy, because that is not my intent. I just see so many soldiers and family members here who are miserable, but when you ask them what they've done to acclimate themselves to the country, the answer is invariably nothing. If you try, and you still hate it, that's ok. But please at least try. :)
Viel Spass!

[kiki]

ok, I really don't get what you all are talking about. I'm a christian and though the military might appear to have christian values (thank God for that) I haven't found a whole lot of christians around here. There's hardly ever an frg meeting in which you don't hear swearing or people complaining about the absence of alcohol, even worse is when they serve alcohol and make attendance mandatory. My husband rarely has christians in his chain of command.
I was born and raised in Germany, a post christian country, and you can live there for years without ever hearing God mentioned. But you also get to see how sad a society like that is. Just look at the expression on their faces. Rom 1:20
Going back to Germany would be hard but like any other location you have to make the best of it. Get out and enjoy the culture, the countryside or travel Europe. There are beautiful places over there. Plus it's quite easy hopping on a space a flight back to the east coast. And should your husband have to deploy he will be only 2 timezones away and appreciate the short flight to see his family for r&r. Phil 4:11

[salty girl]

I am fairly new to baumholder germany. I have plenty of mixed feelings, there are steps you can take to make your life easier ahead of time like; making sure you have a stateside licence , post your resume on cpol early, it takes forever to get lined out for a job. definately get info on buses and trains . there is a language barrier you just can't gap till your here. frg might not be fun but it's painless and can be a great tool for meeting people. I have no kids so it frees me up to explore daily , I have yet to make any good friends . I would love to meet more chics from my area so if your here, and you wanna check stuff out email me . good luck all. just remember you are in charge of your own destiny

[Sunfl0w]

I love Germany, but hate Baumholder. I have spent a large portion of my life trying to get out of America, but was depressed for probably the first 6 months I was in Baumholder just because of the location. It is far from any civilization. I am lucky because I am attending Uni here and was able to make friends outside of the military, which is nice because I have no affinity for the military mentality or lifestyle. To each his own though; Germany is not for everyone and the less you try the less you will like it. The one piece of advice I have for anyone coming over here is don't be afraid to leave the damn base and actually get to know your surroundings. Also learn the language, you should not have to rely on people in their own country to know your language.

[Cris]

I'm new here to baumholder, a little over a week now, and admit, it's different, but not so much. As in any new place, I have to adapt to my surroundings, and I'm trying. I know that if I try, then I will have a more rewarding experience. Once I learn the place a bit better, and maybe some common German phrases, then life here shouldn't be to bad. My husband and I would like to take advantage of day/weekend get aways with our son while we're here, so any suggestions would be great !

[Becca]

I am on my way to Baumholder and I would love to know someone by the time I get there. I have never been overseas and there is always the fear of deployment.
I am scared stiff of offending someone, not finding a church, not knowing any of the other wives, my son not having much to do. AHHHH!

[prdmom]

I love Germany but hate Baumholder. I am not a newbie to Germany or living here. My Mom is German and I have family here. WShat I hate the most is this post is so small and everyone seems to think they know everyone's business when in fact they don't and thus giving room for gossip. I don't go out much on post, only when I NEED something then its straight back home. Heck, for the most part I shop in Ramstein or Vogelweh. I avoid this place as much as I can. Not to mention they are not at all family orientated here. Garrison Commander leaves something to be desired and we need a new one.