The Military Teen - or Why is Electric Shock Therapy Not a Legal Childrearing Method?

I have a teenager.  Whenever I say that, it is usually with a look of apologetic dismay and an utterly defeated shrug of my shoulders.

I knew I was getting old when I finally realize that I don't really  like teenagers.  As "California" as I am, with my accent and use of words like "totally" and over-excessive peppering of "like" in my sentences ("like" is "hooah" for Californians.  It can mean nearly anything.  Army Californians have this great "like, hooah!" thing going on), the speech patterns of teenagers still overload my mental circuitry.

There are good things about teenagers, though; responsible ones make valuable babysitters - we call my 14 year old our "House Elf."  They are good for mowing lawns, too.   And I have to admit, being a military teenager brings with it a whole different set of circumstances that our extended families and school counselors often aren't equipped or ready to deal with. 

I'm going to go ahead and say it -  the best thing about being a military family with a teenager is that when your kid falls in with a bad crowd and starts getting into trouble, it's usually time to move again.  That solves that problem.

Well, not always.  But it REALLY helps. 

On the flip side,we often move just when our teenager has made some very good, close, responsible friendships.  And if our teenager isn't moving, someone else in their clique usually is.  To be a military teenager is to lose an awful lot of stability during the years when they often need it the most.

Those newfangled things which were just starting out when I was in high school are now full fledged and unstoppable trends.  MySpace can be an invaluable way for our on-the-go military brats to keep in touch with friends they went to school with in eighth grade, their friends from Mom or Dad's short school tour in ninth grade, and the church youth group they started in eleventh grade.

As I found out with my teenage daughter, however; even though the responsibilities present in being a part of a family that is sometimes single parented, sometimes dual parented, and functionally homeless quite too often for comfort can combine to make an incredible person; it also creates opportunities that military parents have to be very wary of.

That's right - we had ourselves a MySpace problem! 

Generally speaking, I have found that as a whole military families tend to crack down on rules and their children's  behavior to a greater degree than in many civilian communities.  My sneaking suspicion is that it has to do with our sponsor's responsibility for the actions of their Dependants.  For instance, in our house "time out" is just not comfortable.  We do "stand at attention".   In fact, we had a "stand at attention" incident during Sunday's Girl Scout Cookie booth at the commissary.  I got quite a few, "That's right!  It worked for me!" reactions and cookie sales were way up.

That's not to say that there aren't military families that don't abrogate their parental responsibilities - we've all seen the kids who congregate in the picnic area on the corner.  But on the whole, I'm more likely to find a reliable and well recommended babysitter on base.

But back to the MySpace problem.  Even with a network of "eyes and ears" around base to tattle on our child's extracurricular activities, it's easy to find a way to a computer.  And once on, it's easy to abuse the privilege.  And once abused, it can be difficult for parents to find out what's going on.

I wish I could end this post with some answers.  How to allow our military teenagers the freedom they need to use technology without abusing it.   How to instill the above average level of responsibility needed to be a military brat without resorting to tying them up in the secret dungeon under the base chapel.   Or the url to order the newest electric shock apparatus to condition them to computers like Pavlov's dog and the bell.

Like so many other military lifestyle conundrums, this one is purely trial and error.  No two families are alike, and with the infinity plus one situations that can arise from our chosen lifestyle we have to constantly improvise, adapt, and overcome.  Oh, wait a minute, wrong service branch!  But true for all of us anyway.

Perhaps I should put that poster in my teenager's bedroom.

Nah - the last thing I want to do is give her more ideas.

 

   

Comments

[SigGal]

OK - don't leave me hanging here - what WAS the MySpace problem? Shoot! Spit! Let us know already...lol

I surely want to hear all I can about it. I have a 14 yr old boy on a small Army base in Germany. Myspace is a great way for him to keep in touch with his friends back in VA that he may return to in a year. It is also a chance for him to make a royal ars out of himself in public! So, I have his password and I check it every night. I have deleted 2 "friends" out of about 100. Their sites were just too offensive (one racist remark and you are gone) and they were only really aquaintences. I have deleted a couple of comments he made and then made him explain to me why he temporarily lost his mind. Those discussions have been VERY important ones - lessons he'll not soon forget.

My son has personally met every kid on his MySpace. He is not allowed to add folks he is unsure of. I not only read his MySpace, I read all of his friends' profiles as well. I look at their pictures. Let me tell you, there is a lot for a parent to learn there about what is going on in teen circles these days. For us it has been a good thing - helps me to keep really close with his age group - I know the kids before they even step foot in our house. I think some of them would be shocked if they knew what I knew - but afterall, I only learned what I do from things *they* published on the World Wide Web or typed over the internet - which they are always being told is not necessarily secure. Even more telling is the IM conversations that I read daily as well. Kids these days seem to keep very few secrets from their friends. Everyone here knows everyone's business - who likes whom, who has slept with whom, who drinks alcohol, who throws up from it, skips school, cheats, smokes Marijuana, makes prank phone calls, steals... Yup, I know so much it is scary. My son knows I can read everything and I even posted this at our house where many teens hang out and use our computers. They still look for porn sites and talk trash over IM. Two kids are no longer welcome for sleep-overs because when they are in front of a computer they think it is a free for all. They were warned and given another chance to screw up, which they quickly took. I don't have porn blocked (we did before we moved - but haven't fixed it here yet) - so I use the history of sites viewed to see where they have been searching. I also have the ability to see everything they are doing in real time from another of our computers upstairs. Hubby is a computer geek and this has payed off for us.

Yes, all of this spying takes time, but in 4 years my son will be on his own. Those years will fly by. He is learning incredibly valuable life lessons right now - and he is so vulnerable with the changes taking place causing the teenage angst. He and I have a super relationship. He talks to me freely still, and from the questions he feels comfortable to ask me (like, "what was your first kiss like?" or "when is a boy supposed to have his frist wet dream?") I know he trusts me. I give it to him straight.

OK, this budding adulthood phase is scary. I was psyched to see a post about teens. I personally love them. I loved the first babysitters I had 13 years ago. My husband would go to bed and the teen and I usually would stay up talking. Sometimes I'd drive them home and they'd never get out of the car. I loved being a teen and I still remember what it was like. Well, sort of. I still can't figure out why they think Eminem is a genious - so maybe I'm not "in touch" as much as I would like to believe. And, maybe that is for another post!

So, tell us what happened on the MySpace. We moms of teens need to band together!

[Lemon Stand]

Oh yes, anyone who has a teen, whether there is a computer in the house or not, has to educate themselves on sites such as myspace (and many others). My DH has almost finished a network administration degree and the things he can trace on a computer is amazing.

It also doesn't matter how good your relationship is with your child or what kind of student or person your child or you are. At some point or another, they will be on these sites.

Teaching them to use this technology wisely is the same as teaching them to be safe and responsible in all things. It is the nature of the teen beast to 'test' those limits.

Just think what it was like for parents when cars were invented...

[Heather]

our best solution for computer/internet issues
We have 1 computer. That ONE computer is in a common area (i.e. the living room) and computer time is allowed in the evenings when EVERYONE is around.
Nothing naughty or sneeky can really happen when the whole family is in the room with you, and someone could look at the screen at any second.
Lack of privacy helps.
and like, Hooah for more family time.
(lol- gotta love cali)

[Amie]

Well said guys...My husband and I did youth ministry and worked with teens for years. And even the best ones will still try to hustle every adult around them. Don't stop at checking the myspace 'friends', check the 'friend's friends' too. Depending on your teens settings-his space could be opened to everyone. And it's always a great idea to keep the computer out in the open, never in their bedrooms, at any age.

[LAW]

My house ape is now 29. no myspace but he did have a computer in his room.... met one girl on line who was OK, and one at a concert who kept forgetting to take her meds and called at all times of day or night, and who we contemplated taking out a TRO for!

teenagerhood was pretty awful. actually.... like, completely and totally like a bummer ... (hee hee)He turned into one of those sullen nasty completely peeved types. his nickname used to be Sunshine, he was a happy sweet boy, then puberty struck. I am told my husband was not a joy either when a teenager. So if you have one who will still talk to you and loves to spend time with his family, be grateful!!

LAW

[HomefrontSix]

The upside to having a husband who is the Information Management Officer for his unit (he's in charge of the network and the computers and peripherals on the network) is that he knows more about computers than our kids do (or will). We will have software on every computer that tracks logins and passwords, sites visited, etc.

MacGyver has also talked about making it so that the ONLY way you can actually turn on the computer is to have the password for the USB cable (not sure exactly how that works).

My kids already know their way around a computer - we've taught them the basics and plan to teach them about internet safety as well as maintaining strict guidelines for computer use. My hope is that these efforts will keep my kids safe. It's a scary world in many ways though.

[SigGal]

Some more thoughts. My kids are my world. I have health issues that give me more than enough time to stay close to what is going on in their lives. I recognize other parents have to work full time or have more children/responsibilites that make staying on top of things such a challenge. In a way my ill health is a blessing, because it forces me not to get overextended with volunteer or social obligations - two things which in this military life (hubby is in command) could absolutely fill my calendar if I let it. It has become easier and easier to say "no" as I have my health condition to put out there and say "I can't" - so leave me alone". I joke that I have no life - but actually, I have a wonderful life. I have a teen to keep me absolutely focused on what is important in my household! His sister is 3 years behind and I'm ready for her as well. She doesn't like the term "Tween" but that's what she is.

No matter what restrictions you put on the teen, it is their job to see a way around it. I'm glad someone with years of experience in teen ministry stated that even the "best" kids will do this. Parents shouldn't feel like failures on these things. The failure is if you close your eyes to it or stick your head in the sand during these trying years. If you don't let them have a MySpace account or use IM, they will most likely do it somewhere else. That would, of course, limit their use of these things, but it also means that they are getting less guidance from their parents about it, because it never occurs under their parent's supervision.

I would love to see some more information here for those who don't have the time like I do to read all of the IM conversations or check the computers after my son's friends have used them. What security/spy software do the computer geek moms/dads recommend. A couple of you have mentioned that your hubby does this kind of thing at work or is getting a degree in the IT world. Do you recommend any software that will capture those passwords/login IDs? How about the program that watches every keystroke and saves it to a file. We had that once, but the file got so big the computer would run out of memory regularly. I heard a mom say her children's keystrokes were emailed to her daily. That would be better, because that file, however big, would be stored on a server until you download it. Then after you scan for anything you may need to address with the teen, you can just delete the file.

Any recommendations for the busy ones?

[HomefrontSix]

SigGal ~ Let me ask MacGyver if he has any product suggestions!

[freelancer]

Hi, everyone. I am a writer for Military Spouse magazine (and a military spouse) who has connected with numerous military spouses via Spousebuzz for different stories that I have written (the difficulties of combining a milspouse lifestyle with a career; homestaging etc). I am currently writing a story about the pros and cons of MySpace for military kids. Though I have posted requests for interviews on dozens of sites, I have heard from only one parent/military child. My deadline is fast approaching and I would love to interview any or all of you who have posted here - SigGal, Homefront, Law, Amie, Heather, Lemon Stand - about this topic. Your discussion is EXACTLY the topic of my story. If you would like to be interviewed by phone, PLEASE contact me through my work email, which is canwrite4u@yahoo.com. In my research, cyber-bullying is being mentioned as a bigger problem than sexual predators, though the issues involving MySpace/sexual predators gain all the media attention. Thank you. I hope to hear from you soon.

[Outraged]

I am a person with a mental health condition. While you are raising your teenager (I have raised two boys into adulthood, one of whom is in the Navy), I am facing the stigma of having mental illness. I work hard as a volunteer for my support group. How dare you make jokes about electroshock therapy! In the past, it was a very harsh treatment and used to sedate and punish people. Today, the procedure is much gentler and can help people with severe depression when all else fails. Really--I want to know: why did you think making a joke about electroshock therapy is funny?

[Michele Pearson]

My name is Michele Pearson and I'm a Producer with The Montel Williams Show. I'm working on producing a show in New York on March 28th. I'm interested in covering the topic of the war from the perspective of teens and military families. We're interested in hearing how the war is affecting the lives of teens today and what things military families may need assistance with etc. We're also interested in hearing from teens that are interested in joining the military etc. If you know of someone who may be interested in speaking with me, or have suggestions on where I should be researching for this topic please contact me. My toll free number is 800-987-5446 ext. 392.

Best,
Michele Pearson
Producer
The Montel Williams Show

[airforcewife]

I would respectfully urge anyone considering an appearance on the Montel Show to check this: http://www.spousebuzz.com/blog/2007/03/another_reason_.html

It describes the appearance my hubby and I made in the audience of the Montel Show, when Montel ambushed a group of military spouses under false pretenses.

Further, other military spouses have reported having their own comments and observations cut to fulfill an agenda.

[Someone]

Being a military teen myself, I think I understand your teens dificulties. In the very least, I can help you understand what they're going through.
Look at my blog, http://something2say.net/ maybe it will help.