Girlfriends, Boyfriends - This Post is For You
February 22, 2007|
Got an email from Maureen, the girlfriend of a deployed soldier.
I'm not a military wife, just a girlfriend, but I've enjoyed reading the posts and wonder if there is any place for me, here or elsewhere, to get and give support. This is my first deployment situation, bf is special forces in Afghanistan, and it has been sooo much harder than I anticipated. I would appreciate any help you can give me. Thank you.
Maureen - this is the place for you. Yes, this is SpouseBUZZ, but hey - "significant others" need support too. All of you significant others, this is your thread. Let us know who you are. Talk amongst yourselves. Tell us how we spouses can help you. Have at it....
This question is so directed to me! I was also "JUST" a girlfriend....never say "just", my boyfriend told me that having me as a girlfriend made his deployment so much easier than the previous deployment when he had no girlfriend, and no one constantly thinking and caring about him. My advice is to to read a lot of blogs and forums such as Spousebuzz. As girlfriends we have a lot in common with anyone who has a deployed loved one, be it a mother, brother, aunt, cousin or boyfriend. We care and worry, and yes, we aren't as much in the loop "officially", so sometimes it is nice to find someone who can commiserate on that level. However, you can get a lot of advice and support from spouses and mothers of deployed soldiers, to name just a few. Also, if you haven't already, you might want to get in contact with the unit's FRG, so that you may also communicate with other spouses of soldiers deployed with your bf's unit. However, I have to say I found a lot more support online than from the FRG. Good luck, and once again...you are not JUST a girlfriend, and I am sure your boyfriend would be the first to agree with me.
Posted by: CaliValleyGirl | 02/22/2007 at 21:02
JUST is not a word we use in this family, the military family. I'm an old warhorse, and I'm still learning after 20+ years of this life. so ask a LOT of questions, don't forget, there is NO stupid question. If we can help, yell. and get a book. A good one is Married to the Military. (don't worry about the pink camo, it's a great book) the listing of acronyms alone is useful!
good luck, and drop in a lot.
LAW
Posted by: LAW | 02/22/2007 at 22:16
I just read this post about military girlfriends. I am also new to this, as my boyfriend is now navy reserve after serving 13 years active duty. Deployment is not out of the question in the next 2 years. Actually he was to be deployed last year, but had surgery and was not medically cleared until March. So, I am glad to know that this site is here if I need it. I still cry everytime I read or hear something about the military. I dont know how everyone keeps it together.
Posted by: Bert | 02/23/2007 at 06:18
I am also a military girlfriend. My soldier and I have been friends since we were kids and have been serious for 2 years (planning a wedding for...someday after deployment). We are going through our second deployment and it hasn't been easy. He's only been gone for a week and the next 12-18 months look insurmountable right now. I don't consider myself "just" anything and you shouldn't either. It's hard work loving our men in uniform. My advice is to talk to people who know what you're going through. There's a LOT to learn about our situation, everything from taking care of yourself to supporting your man to the special stresses that come with homecoming... Hang in there. Somehow we all get through it.
Posted by: CaitieMac | 02/23/2007 at 13:38
I am so thankful this was posted! I am also a "girlfriend"...My baby leaves in just a few days. Its our first deployment. I have never been so afraid of anything in my whole life. I can't even look at him without breaking down in complete hysterics. He was gone for a week several weeks ago and I thought I was going to just die. I can't even begin to fathom how horrifying the next year is going to be. I can't sleep, and I feel like I can barely breathe, AND HE HASN'T EVEN LEFT YET!...
Posted by: TLChase | 02/24/2007 at 05:59
Hi all, I'm also NOT just a girlfriend. :)
My boyfriend and his infantry battalion are about 2 months into their deployment - he's a Marine.
What I personally struggle with as a GF - and not a spouse - is how to figure out what my role is in my BF's life. There were lots of posts a month or two back about preparing for deployment, but many of them were about preparing the household, or legal matters. As you all know, there's nothing "legal" we can do for our guys. Very frustrating!
Now that the deployment has begun, I found a new issue - communication. It's not that it doesn't happen enough, it's that my guy communicates with me more than he does with his family. I know his mom says it doesn't bother her, but I'm not buying that one. Does anyone else find themself in a strange position - where your role is very close to that of a spouse, but you run into trouble because it's not "official"? In my mind, if I were a wife, this communication thing would be expected, and accepted, by his family.
And there must be more than 6 significant others out there - let's get posting! I would love to meet you all. :)
Posted by: loquita | 02/24/2007 at 08:51
Agree with loquita - there has to be more than six of you out there....
Also agree that the word "just" doesn't apply.
Posted by: Andi | 02/24/2007 at 10:53
Hello! I'm the girlfriend of a Navy Submariner. He is based in Georgia, and I am finishing college in Indiana, so it's hard to find people to talk to who can understand what I'm going through. I love being able to read the posts on this site because I can relate to so many things, even though I am not a wife. Thank you all for your support!
Posted by: Katie | 02/24/2007 at 19:11
Loquita-when my son was deployed, he would call his girlfriend and not me... and yeah, I did resent it at first. But we reached an agreement, she would email or call and let me know that he was ok. I would do that for her when he called me. So ask his parents how you guys can work it out. remember, to her this is her baby, the one she changed the diaper of, the one whose scrapes she kissed better, and who is part of her heart and soul. I hope she can also understand that he is the other half of you.
Wondering... is there a place that Military.com has for parents?? I wish I had had someone to communicate with, who would have been able to understand.
LAW
Posted by: LAW | 02/24/2007 at 21:19
Hello! I'm the lucky girl dating my AF boyfriend, who is stationed at Ramstein AFB in Germany. We've been on and off for two years, and met while he was home on mid-tour from Korea. This website has been SUCH a blessing to me. We're in a transitional phase, as I'm expecting a proposal very shortly but until then we're still officially just dating. I'm very lucky that I'm close to his family.
We're dealing with his assignment overseas and the distance that comes with it, as well as the upcoming forceshaping the AF is doing. So where he goes is uncertain at best. At the moment, there is nothing that spousebuzz and the community can do other than keep on doing what you've all been doing. It's so nice to be able to read and see that it's okay to go a little stir crazy sometimes, or to get frustrated with the time zones, or not knowing certain information.
I was just visiting him in Germany over Christmas, but now that I'm three days out from when he has stateside leave, I find I'm beside myself with anxiety. What gives?
Posted by: Emily | 02/24/2007 at 22:29
Loquita, I know what you mean about figuring out your role in your bf's life. That's what I've been trying to figure out still. Sad situations kept us from getting married while he was stateside. And legally, the fact that we wanted to get married means nothing and we are still in limbo. The worst part of this is that I'm not really very close to his family. I can't wait for this deployment to end so we can FINALLY get married. This wedding's only been 10 years in the making...no big deal. haha
I am also trying to figure out what to say to his mother when I call her tomorrow. I don't want to make her feel bad by saying, "Oh yeah, he's doing well. I've talked to him a few times this week..." But I know she would want to know some of the information he's shared with me. It's pretty sticky. I don't need any extra stress these days. Any ideas?
Posted by: CaitieMac | 02/25/2007 at 23:22
Hi all! I was a girlfriend during a deployment, am now a fiancee, and will be a wife shortly before he deploys again.
Loquita, I second what LAW said - work out a way of communicating, some sort of expectation and understanding. I ran into the resentment from his sister moreso than his mother, but it's there from both, I think. It's totally understandable from their end, and I had to remind myself of that on occasion. I tried to forward emails and let them know I heard from him, but I found myself walking a very delicate line. Do I potentially create more resentment by letting them know I get an email every couple of days and they don't? Thankfully he kept a blog, so he would often update just when I was about to let them know I'd heard from him, letting me 'off the hook' for that particular time. It's really hard to be in your shoes. I think honesty is the key in this case - talk to his family, work out a system, and use your best judgement.
I think this is true in the case of a wife as well ... there's a line to walk. I'm not looking forward to dealing with that particular part of deployment again. This time I'll be in a different 'category' but I don't think the line will be any less difficult to tip toe on.
The not knowing was hardest for me while he was deployed. I didn't get any KV information (key volunteer is sort of the equivalent to FRG for the USMC), unit newsletters, etc. So, I got as involved as I could and joined a USMC family support forum. There was a general wife/fiancee/girlfriend forum, as well as one for his specific unit. I befriended a mother of a Marine in his unit, which was a great comfort. We let the other know when we heard from our guys, and just generally understood each other. I also joined an online military spouse forum and the benefit there has been invaluable. Even though I am not technically a spouse, these women know how I feel, what I fear, etc. and they opened their arms to me without hesitation. Don't be afraid to seek out support from those who have been there, done that.
TLChase - the anticipation is the hardest for me. It was absolutely terrible for my first deployment as a girlfriend when I didn't know what to expect. I still can't decide whether it's easier now having been through one, or harder since I do know what to expect. What got me through that time before he left was making memories. I took so many pictures he started to roll his eyes at me, but those sustained me and made me smile when I missed him most. I focused on making sure we were clear on our relationship, our expectations, and [usually] didn't hide my fear from him. Bless his heart, I don't think he knew how to take my tears, but he saw how much I cared and on some level I think that helped us survive as a couple. Communicate and try to enjoy as much as you can now. Then get through the days one at a time (or an hour at a time), as best you can. The time will pass. It always does. Sometimes it seems like it's at a snail pace, but it still passes.
Above all, try to keep your focus on the positive. Allow yourself those freak out moments, but when you get it out of your system, pick up and move on to something productive.
I'm babbling now, but it's good to hear from the 'other side' now and again! Thanks for the opportunity, Andi!
Posted by: Stephanie | 02/26/2007 at 00:07
Caitie - What I did was just omit how often I heard from him ... "Hey, I heard from him this week, this is what he said" was usually my tactic. (See above about the fine line - I feel your pain!) It's so hard to be in that position sometimes. WE know they don't love their families any less, but as a 'significant other' we are often more of a priority to contact because we foster a different sort of relationship, of closeness, and this can be understandably hard for immediate family to comprehend.
Posted by: Stephanie | 02/26/2007 at 00:13
I'm so glad to hear from some significant others!
I've felt like a fish out of water -- dealing with the same problems as a spouse would, but with only half a toolbox, since I'm persona non grata to the Army.
I've found online communities (SpouseBuzz included) that are very welcoming, but that hasn't always been the case in the real world -- at my sweetheart's age (and I'm even older!), most people are married with kids, and many can't (or won't) find anything in common with "just" a girlfriend.
Living in a military community this way can be hard, especially if the town's so small that all the amenities (decent shopping, recreation, gym, etc.) are on post. I don't have any easy answers on how to make it better -- I don't see the Army changing its attitude toward SOs anytime soon, so I'm working on changing *my* attitude. I'm trying to see this as an adventure and test of my creativity. And if anyone else has any advice, I'm all ears. :-)
Posted by: Bette | 02/26/2007 at 10:02
When I was a girlfriend, our command was in favor of adding gf's to the phone tree. I realize this isn't always possible, but it was a great way to get information while he was at sea and meet other wives/girlfriends. Later on as a wife, I had girlfriends and wives who lived out of town mailing me letters....I would then take them down to the off-crew building so their bf / husbands would get mail at the next maildrop. Also, don't be afraid to get involved when an opportunity opens. Hope that helps.
Posted by: Navy Submarine Wife | 02/26/2007 at 17:20
Thanks to all of you significant others for sharing your stories and letting us know who you are. It's been interesting to read your comments and I hope each of you feel right at home here at SpouseBUZZ.
Posted by: Andi | 02/26/2007 at 23:36
this is really helpful. I have an AF son "out of country" for 4 months, and a son-in-law in Army,eids, "out-of-country" for next 18 mnths. trying to get both wives to military.com, they think it's for a bunch of old retired guys rehashing the past. I don't know enough about computers to get them straight here to see how great it is! any suggestions i can try to email to them. they don't know what they're missing!! Thanks
Posted by: suzanne | 02/27/2007 at 12:18
My boyfriend, a 6 year army man and Iraq veteran once already left just two days ago... We have been dating for less than a year and I am worried about all of the same things that you all are. This is my first deployment and I spent these last two days crying and feeling bad for myself, but that is not what my boyfriend would want. I didn't expect to hear from him so soon but he has already called twice :). The first call I started with the usual crying and regretted it. I thought I ruined our first call and now he is going to be worried about me and not worried about what he has to do. The second call I had things to say and made him feel better about the first call. I just want him to keep his mind on his job and not worry about how I am doing. We all know they love us and we don't need to be upset when they call. I expected to be a wreck for weeks, but you need to think about them, not you. I am so happy that I am with him and can send him things and make his day better when he does call. I remember all of the good times and I am sure that he does as well. I am glad that I ran across all of you military girlfriends because I know the feeling of "I don't know anyone who is going through what I am going through." Well, now we do and helping each other through will help our BFs as well!
By the way, I cracked him up by telling him about a t-shirt I bought off cafepress.com... It reads "This area is secured by a US soldier." I think he was a little embarassed. Check out the site, it has some great t-shirts and clothes.
Posted by: Stephanie | 03/02/2007 at 21:30
I just noticed there is another Stephanie posting so I will add my last initial so we all don't get confused...
3/2/07 posting by Stephanie H
Posted by: Stephanie H | 03/02/2007 at 21:37
I'm so glad I found this post - I knew I wasn't the only one going through this and now I know where to find you. Like many of you, I've had my moments where I just want to lose it and cry, especially whenever I hear "Come Home Soon" by the Dixie Chicks. But then I pull myself together and stop feeling sorry for myself because I know he wouldn't want me moping around - that would only make it harder for him and he needs to concentrate on his job, not worry about me.
We've been together for 4 1/2 years now, and been trying to get married the last two. We actually had a wedding planned, invitations sent, the whole bit. Three days before our wedding he was deployed for a critical fill assigment and we haven't been able to reschedule anything since. I'm just hoping it doesn't take 10 years.
The one thing I have learned throughout all this is to be patient because everything is a waiting game - when he can take leave to come home for a few days (he hasn't been back since June 06), where his next billet will be...even when he can call me. What keeps me going is that he's only 3 years away from retirement.
The hardest part is knowing that if something does happen to him, and yes, even though he's a Coastie he runs that risk every boarding, I may or may not get a phone call because I'm not next of kin. The best he could do is leave an envelope with his Senior Chief with instructions to contact me.
Thanks, all, for giving me a little bit of your strength.
Posted by: CstzGrl | 03/04/2007 at 00:34
I, too, am an army girlfriend. My boyfriend, a special forces soldier in the army, just deployed for Afghanistan. It's amazing the different emotions I have felt since he left. Unfortunately I live in a city that isn't considered a 'military town'. I feel sad and alone and don't know personally know anyone in my situation. I wish there was more support for army girlfriends. It's not an easy time, but I wouldn't trade my man for anything. I'm glad I found this website. We ladies need to stick together!
Posted by: Kate | 03/13/2007 at 23:06
I'm an army girlfriend too and my boyfriend has been deployed to Kosovo for awhile now. Hes supposed to come for a break in August and I think I can make it. Well, I thought I could. I haven't talked to him in over a month and I have no idea what to do. All these "what ifs" are running through my head. I know how much the army changes people and I'm not sure what to do. If anyone has any insight I'd love to hear about it. Things are getting tougher as the deployment goes on and in less than a month it'll be our one year, but I don't want to have to celebrate it alone. Any words of encouragement would be really helpful. Thanks guys :)
Posted by: KK | 03/22/2007 at 14:01
I am a girlfriend of almost a year going through my first boyfriend's first deployment since we've been dating. He's been gone for 3 weeks now, and I finally decided to reach out tonight and try and find people to talk to. I had all of these things planned I would take care of while he was gone. The increased exercising for one has gone out the window already with the amount of comfort food I've been downing. I feel like I'm going through a break-up. I come from a military family and work in a military environment so I feel like I *know* the way I *should* be behaving and supporting him, but I don't think I'm doing a great job. I don't want to burden him with my rough days at work or the nights I've cried myself to sleep. But is not sharing just as worse? I don't want him to feel as though I'm not sharing with him. Being a girlfriend has been hard. I moved my things out of his condo because now I'm going back to living in my own condo while he's gone. I keep thinking maybe it would be easier if he'd left *our* life, instead of feeling like we were going our separate ways as I packed me things out of his home. I'm sure it isn't really though.
Posted by: CW | 03/27/2007 at 22:31
kk- my boyfriend is about to be deployed to kosovo and i just have a couple questions about that specific location, you said you haven't heard from him in a month.. i heard that communication was really good there.. but maybe i heard wrong... do you know how dangerous the work is there or anything like that? people all say it's better than iraq and it's peace keeping but what does that mean? i also hope you hear from him soon and you can for sure make it. I also think you should celebrate your one year anniversary.. go out to a resteraunt by yourself if your comfortable, or bring a close friend and eat a meal that you love.. then give a toast and tell him you love him.. it will make you feel like the day didn't go unnoticed and i'm sure your soldier would want you to have that celebration even if he can't be there. hope that helps and thanks for any info you can give
Posted by: Erin | 03/28/2007 at 23:58
My boyfriend is curently deployed to Afghanistan and has been gone almost two months. I am currently going through many changes, in mylife including family deaths and sickness. Dealing with the deployment has been harder then I expected. We have only been together a short time but friends much longer. I talk to him far to much, which makes it hard. Is there anything I can say to him to try and stop the pain of talking to him? I know I am one of the lucky ones, to talk to him regularly, but it does not make it any easier. I just dont know sometimes I am so afraid to screw things up and hurt him. Any advice send it my way. Thanks for all your posts, they really do help.
Posted by: vic | 03/29/2007 at 22:55
I know how you feel. My boyfriend just got to Afghanistan. It's a lot harder than people expect. You know and because we don't have the title wife people usually forget about us. It's like we don't matter we have no say. Which really hurt's because we are the one laying in bed alone everynight wondering when they will be home. I haven't slept since he has left because I am so worried. It really hurt's my felling when people say oh well your just a girlfriend not a spouse. We are the last to know everything and anything. I know how you feel. I grew up in a military family and you would think I would have learned by now. But god is watching over all of our guys... God bless ...
Posted by: amber | 03/31/2007 at 14:41
Hey, I am not "just" a military girlfriend. We are all considered our soldiers other half no matter what label we might have. We are all going through the same things especially emotions. I come from a HUGE military fam including both my parents who are veterans. I agree with calivalleygirl, my boyfriend loves the fact he has someone here who adores him and thinks about him 24/7. It deff makes it so much easier for them and the more they think about you, the quicker time goes by for them. Unfortunatly I have been going through the hardest point in my life. My brother was deployed to Iraq and was there for 3 weeks and has recently been seriously injured. He has a serious brain injury. He is in a coma and its the hardest thing to experience. My boyfriend was deployed 3 months ago. They are really good buddies. They are both in the same unit in the 82d airborne/ ARMY and went through everything together since they trained in PT! I guess I could call my self a very strong person because I am here for my brother physically and for my boyfriend emotionally and mentally. He is supposed to come home in August and I can't wait! I am so excited. I met him through my brother and it actually wasnt planned in any way. Its kind of funny because we both didnt want a relationship and when we met we just fell in love. Its soo unique to me but he is just amazing. I know that he will be ok and so will my brother. Its been 3 weeks since he was injured and still considered critical. He is not awake but we pray. My boyfriend found out in Iraq and called me as soon as he did. He was devestated on the phone and I felt horrible. Im sitting in a hospital room with my brother fighting for his life and at the same time Im on the phone with his really good buddy also my boyfriend the love of my life. It deff has not been easy!!! I have to say I am lucky becuase his family adores me and already considers possibilities of me being their sons future. I have to say we are all blessed in different ways and being involved with a soldier is the best thing that could have ever happend to me. Our men are just AMazing!!! I could go on forever about everything but I do believe this is where I am supposed to be and it is all deff going to be worth it in the end. Hang in there ladies! It deff is a waiting game and you need to be tough for your man becuase they feed off of your positivity! xoxoxoxo
Posted by: 82dairbornegrl786 | 04/05/2007 at 13:51
Hi to all "JUST" girlfriends, I was happy to read your emails...cuz I can empathasize. I feel lost and in a weird place. 1 month prior to my man getting deployed he started texting me everyday to come and see him before he deployed to Iraq (we dated 10 years ago-hadn't seen each other in 6 years) so he convinced me to see him 3 days prior (he is one of the loves of my life, and I didnt want any regrets)...and I did for 6 hours-that is all we got!! It was like we never left each other and saw each other yesterday....now I have been his lifeline and support-emails everyday, weekly carepackages etc...I am just frustrated cuz I just wish we had more time together before he left so I felt more secure with where I stand. I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place...he says he's finally ready to settle down and I am one he could see himself with-we are getting to know each other again....but what do I do? Not date anymore (feel guilty) or just go about my life and see what happens when he gets back?? So confused being in such a gray area.......
Posted by: Kiki | 04/18/2007 at 02:02
PS. By the way, I love this man, want this to work with us, just fearful that after all this time because we just got reunited that he is going to come back and things just don't happen....do you guys have any tips to keep solidifying the relationship while he is gone since I am so new to this whole thing?!! Thanks for any input, it is so appreciated!!
Posted by: Kiki | 04/18/2007 at 02:16
So, its a great day. I just found out this morning my bf is extended, I have not gotten to speak to him since I found out, through email. Why does this happen, i dont know what to think. I cant even start counting down a year yet, 15 months 2 down, 13 more to go, I thought we had actually made a dent...yea i was wrong, his r&r is realy to, just around the 5 month mark...I mean come on does this ever get any better? if it is not a fight it is, something else...just had to vent, and did not know anywhere else to vent to...
Posted by: vic | 04/18/2007 at 06:15
This was really nice to find this site. I am also a girlfriend and made it through the Iraq deployment and now in Greenland for a year. He left a week
ago. I am a very strong woman but felt I had the wind knocked out of me. Glad to know I am not alone and having normal feelings. Being the girlfriend can be rough because there are definately no military privledges but we decided we did not want to get married for the wrong reasons and if we choose to get married it will be on our terms. Unfortunately wives can visit but girlfriends can't. Not fair, but then again life is not fair. Something I have realized is that these are men of honor serving our country and as long as Uncle Sam is paying their salary, their first committment has to be to our Country and second to us. I am just very proud to be able to stand by the person that can make this strong committment to his country. Stephanie H, we are in the same boat, 2 years from retirement. From all the post I have just read we all are in agreement that:
This is tough
They do have to focus on what they are doing.
Happy faces must be worn
They do Love Us
We will be here when they return!!
Hang in there Ladies.
Posted by: MG | 04/18/2007 at 17:33
Dear Military Girlfriends,
I am new here hello. My friend of one year and boyfriend of 5 months is expecting to be deployed for the next 18 months. Its been so hard just thinking about where we go from here. He has a 2 year old son from a previous reletionship that I am growing attached to and will be staying with my boyfriends mother, in a town 3 hours away in a place I have never been before; he will be away from me for the next 18 months. I am a stranger to his family only because I just got out of a serious 5 year reletionship one year ago...my soldier has been there for me every moment of my heartache and has mended my heart.altogether, it has just gotten serious and i wanted to meet his family when i am more comfortable with getting to know his son and spending time with him...(dont know if that makes sense)in a nutshell i am just getting over being extremely close to my last x's family... slowing he is discussing leaving now, and wanting to one day be married and have a home together and me be the mother to his son....For the next 18 months i will be completely alone...without him or his son. What scares me the most is he will probably keep in touch with his family more then me. Which is understandable but him and his son have become my new family, i come from nowhere no family and found that in them 2. He wants me to handle his accts and money and with his family not knowing me personally i believe this may cause conflict...? I have no clue what to do...should i stay by his side as a friend or as his future wife he is all i care about, How does this work gals? can he call me? can we write? can we email? i have no clue i hate to discuss this stuff with him direction PLEASE! he only has 18 months left in the military to be done...he has decided not to reenlist what does this mean? will he still be called...? Its just so hard to ask him all these things because, he wanders off into someting else....thanksss all
Posted by: Jazzys venting in cali. | 04/18/2007 at 17:58
Jazzy, That is a positive if he asked you to handle his affairs. Just respect what he ask and stay by his side.
I was able to receive email and phone calls from Iraq and also Greenland. The frequency depends on his job.
Don't second guess yourself and just follow your heart.
Posted by: MG | 04/18/2007 at 18:06
Jazzy,
I can totally understand your uncertainty and where u stand and what to do....I am in the same boat. My guy and I dated 10 years ago and 2 months prior to his deployment he insisted everyday to see me before he left...and I finally did 3 days prior....it is very confusing....As a woman with some excellant advice from this site said to me...just be there for him, write alot and just be there for him...just love him and let him know u are there....you will get ur answers!! Me, I haven't gotten a chance to talk to him, but we were emailing everyday...with all the chaos that has been going on...haven't heard much from him in the last few days...which is hard...but i just keep sending emails and packages....make it fun for yourself...that is what is helping me....being creative with your carepackages...knowing I am going to make my man smile during a tough time...Hey I have an idea...lets brainstorm some fun creative ideas for carepackages, besides the usual stuff....that will make them laugh, think we are crazy, but they love cuz we did it for them!! Put out any ideas you have...I know, it makes u feel good doing something for them....
Posted by: Kiki | 04/18/2007 at 21:35
The thing the got the most attention going to Iraq believe it or not was different types of coffee. Also NURF toys to relieve Stress. Just a couple of ideas!
Posted by: MG | 04/18/2007 at 22:11
great ideas...I sent a nurf football...I will have to remember that in regards to the coffee. I also just found one of those 1 cup of coffee filters that u put on top of ur coffee mug...thought that was a good idea as well...I heard another idea that the guys love is sending them ur pillowcase with ur scent on it. Each night go to bed with ur hair a bit damp and then ziplock it....a little piece of u...
Posted by: Kiki | 04/18/2007 at 22:49
You are so correct. Anything you can send your perfume on is great. I used to send a card every week to count down and would spray it with perfume!!
Posted by: MG | 04/18/2007 at 23:27
Thank you ladies, your compassion has actually calmed me a bit more. I just cant stop thinking about how we wont even be under the same sky…..kiki I would love that idea to brainstorm carepackages. I think that is going to be a fun thing for me to keep my mind occupied, I love to create things for my boy…he is always so appreciative of it……thank you. K.i.t….-Jazzy
Posted by: Jazzys venting in cali. | 04/19/2007 at 10:45
Jazzy, a bit of advice from someone who handled much of her boyfriend's finances for the year he was in Iraq: If he's going to have you do anything major, get a specific power of attorney (a general power of attorney might not cut it).
If something comes up while he's gone, the JAG can draw up the paperwork for him and he can e-mail you a .pdf.
On a more general note to all you girlfriends: Hang in there! Not having acknowledgement from the military can make things harder, but it doesn't make things impossible. You can do this.
Posted by: Bette | 04/19/2007 at 11:44
tHANKS bETTE! that is great advice, i think we have came to an agreement now, that i wont be handling anything major just saving the funds would it still be safe to go that route? ( get a specific power of attorney )
Thank you! hE'S STILL HERE GALS...HOW DO I MAKE THE BEST OUT OF THE TIME WE HAVE TILL HES GONE? ANY IDEAS? I WANTED TO ENGAVE SOMETHING WITH A MEANING FULL QUOTE...ANY IDEAS, MORE SO A QUOTE SAYING TO RETURN TO MY ARMS, I LOVE YOU...IM HERE FOR YOU...ECT... THANKKS!
Posted by: Jazzys venting in cali. | 04/19/2007 at 13:52
Jazzy, There is a great website PersonalizationMall.com
The have a wonderful selection of things that he can remember you with. I got my bf a rug with an ocean and a big heart with our names in it. Also a wood frame with our names engraved that says "If I know what Love is it is because of you". They have a little hershey kiss made from crystal and you can have your initials and date so he can put it next to him at night. Everything is very reasonable and ships quickly. My bf just received his shipped goods yesterday and he said he felt so much closer to me since he put the stuff in his room.
Posted by: MG | 04/19/2007 at 15:42
Jazzy, the only time you'd get a specific power of attorney is for something like buying/selling a car, house, etc., so it's not something people normally do ahead of time. For just handling his everyday finances, you should be OK as is. Online banking makes life so much easier! :-)
Posted by: Bette | 04/19/2007 at 17:26
Vic,
You are so right when u said send lots of emails that it really means the world to them...I hadn't heard from my guy in 4 days...so I just kept sending emails everyday....I just got an email from him saying exactly that-he was so happy to come back seeing all the emails I sent him...that feedback was all I needed...I feel alot better. So thank u...it helps!! Here is another idea as a keepsake for ur man Jazzy and all....making up personalized dog tags that they can wear on their chain so it is with them always....
Posted by: Kiki | 04/19/2007 at 22:35
I seen a beautiful tiffany & co dog tag chain i was thinking about...i know he will cherish it! So, gals what about your guys, mental stability when he returns has anyone expierienced a change? Personally i already feel my guys a lil to the left. But thats what i love about him, i am just so nervous it could get worse...give me feedback...thanks and happy friday all...
Posted by: Jazzys venting in cali. | | 04/20/2007 at 10:54
jazzy...
I have noticed a large change, and he has been gone two months. But it is to be expected. Just know that when he changes it is not your fault, and he does love you. Things are hard just cause of what they go thorugh.
hope that helps a little...just expect change.
Posted by: vic | 04/20/2007 at 11:00
Hi All...I too have noticed a change and my guy also has been over there 2 months...he is a bit disgusted, somewhat frustrated, and more appreciative of coming back from missions with emails and care packages from me...which makes me feel better...but yes, I can sense a change...not major, but definitely a change...Jazzy, I say go for the dog tags, he will be always able to wear it close to his heart...
Posted by: Kiki | 04/20/2007 at 17:20
What a difference a day can make. Just got the follow-on for next tour. Overseas again. Just got proposed to??
Have to share a little bit of background. Was married to my soulmate for 24 years. Corporate America Diagnosed with Cancer at 44. Never thought I would ever marry again but I do love this military man! Any Advise?
Posted by: MG | 04/22/2007 at 01:20
Wow congratulations!! That is awesome!! explain to me what a follow on for next tour means. I say go with ur heart and be happy u got a second chance!! Run with it...life is too short! I am envious and happy for u!! congratulations.
Posted by: Kiki | 04/22/2007 at 06:04
Thanks Kiki. After he gets finished in Greenland he is going to Germany. Some people don't get one great love and I know how lucky I am to have 2. It still seems crazy as I have been widowed for 5 years and just never thought I would marry again. Need to process for a few days. When I was in church this morning I found myself asking God if this is really what he wants. I try to sit in the back seat and let God drive down the path of life.
Posted by: MG | 04/22/2007 at 12:23
that is the best attitude to have and u will feel peace with ur answer....good luck!!
Posted by: Kiki | 04/22/2007 at 16:52
Hi again...u know how u asked if we noticed a "change" in our guy...I didn't think there was much of one, but now he seems more withdrawn...a little bit distant compared to usual...is that the kind of change u have been experiencing??
Posted by: Kiki | 04/22/2007 at 22:01
He hasnt even left yet and he is so distant....he plans to place me as one of his beneficiaries...this makes me so nervous, he is just doubting he will return as the months have gone by he has lost so many friends, i cant imagine how his family will feel he is making this step...i am just a girlfriend once again... :( although, i am so proud he would do that for me, i refused it because, i am so scared he going to just give up......i just feel so numb not even my comfort he accepts....at the moment...
Posted by: Jazzys venting in cali. | 04/24/2007 at 11:02
Before my bf left, he got very distant, and he tried to push me away. That is also what he tries to do over there, espcially after the loss of a good friend. Mostly I see a rollercoster of emotions...worse than pms...one day it is amazing he is loving, and happy. The next day sad and depressed. I am finally realizing how much he needs support, so i learn to go through the motions. I wish all of you luck...just dont forget as is said many times, they do care, and they are fighting for something they believe in, so we must support them
Posted by: vic | 04/24/2007 at 14:10
I 100% agree with you Vic. The moods are different with each email...all you can do is be consistent...supportive...strong...and just happy when you do hear from them....don't be insecure..or have them worried about u....they have a job to do and you don't want him distracted...it is so hard....but I tell you...after a rough few days on a mission...my man tells me how happy he is when he sees all the email from me....just keep loving him when he is distant...it is his way of going "in the cave" to make it a little less painful....cuz they do care so much!!
Posted by: Kiki | 04/24/2007 at 19:15
Hey girls. You have NO idea the comfort I have found in your posts. I have been looking for just Girlfriend posts all over and this is my new sanctuary, it just seems like when they hear you are a girlfriend its like, Oh, as if they already feel like it won't last because of the deployment. My boyfriend is in the Navy and left two weeks ago and the anxiety before was horrid! But now that he is gone I am struggling with the lack of communication. I feel like I am sitting here pining for him and caring and I am searching for some sort of acknowledgement from him. I am babbling I know, but just realize how much I appreciate all these posts. Let's stick together :)
Posted by: Sarah | 04/24/2007 at 23:50
Sarah,
I am going through that same anxiety myself at the moment!!He leaves in a week and he is a mess and i am dying inside and trying to stay so strong, he told me once he needs a women who will be strong when he cant...esp. if he ever got deployed. he is so distant and i am thinking doesnt he want to be closer then ever? but i forget how men typically are. I thank all the women who are here and whose words have brought me comfort as well. The descions he is making at the moment i am wondering is he doing this to keep me by his side? because i will be here reguardless. i try so hard to show him this..with him being so grumpy and expressionless its getting so hard, he is becoming a stranger to me, and its just so hard to know i will be missing a complete stranger.....
Posted by: Jazzys venting in cali. | 04/25/2007 at 11:06
Jazzy
Hang in there, I went through the exact same thing. It is kind of like a test...will she stay with me if i do this. Just hang in there, he will come back to you, and he will show you how much he cares...just stay strong, and you will not be missing a total stranger, beacuse he will still be the man you love.
Posted by: vic | 04/25/2007 at 12:28
Jazzy, I can relate! guys just deal with pressure different than girls. We want to melt into his arms and cry and he just wants to get on with it and not drag it out. But I guarantee its equally as difficult for him to leave you behind. While my bf was packing to get on the ship we didn't say two words to each other and it made me mad at first. but then I realized just having me there even in silence made it better for him. So hang in there and realize we all just deal with things differently. His grumpiness is just frustration I am sure. I am here for you if you need to vent :)
Posted by: Sarah | 04/25/2007 at 18:24
Hey Girls,
As I said earlier, he is just temporarity in his cave to deal...TRUST ME, TRUST VIC, once he is gone, he will start missing you and be a mush,sentimental, and to be honest, I have learned more about his wants, his dreams, his needs and what he wants when he gets back...than I might have if he was here...it will be an emotional roller coaster, but in some respects, you will become more intimate while he gone than while he is with you....TRUST ME ON THAT. So hang in there girls, be strong, your men will be back, they just got to get thru this initial transition!!!!
Posted by: Kiki | 04/25/2007 at 19:47
Thank you Vic, you are totally right. He has already after being gone less than a week started to sendmore emails and actually call. Its nice to know that we are mutually missing each other :)
I sent my first care pkg today, Im terrible at baking so I sent Chips Ahoy haha. It def helps to be distracted by things like what to send in the next one, etc.
Posted by: Sarah | 04/26/2007 at 12:26
Dear everyone,
I found this forum today and am happy there is a place like this. I have found myself in a sudden involvement with a guy who will deploy to Afghanistan next month, and it is so difficult to sit back and try to be strong and patient! If anyone can have some advice or just commiseration I will love to hear it. My situation is a little weird and so it leaves me completely not knowing where I stand. We met only a couple weeks before he was activated, spent an amazing week together and then off he went for training. He came to visit on a 4-day pass and things got even more intense. Since he left I get messages all the time that he "thinks we might be in love", that he wants to be with me when he gets back, etc. BUT-- he is so distant over there on base and because we did not have more time together I always wonder where I stand! Recently I made things heavier than I wanted by bringing up our frequency of communication. Now his loving messages are not coming as often and I am driving myself nuts wondering if I ruined something and am frustrated because we cannot interact in person on a more laid-back level! What do you girls think? If a man is sending you messages that he would like to start a family with you and that he is falling for you, do you think I should just be patient and believe it? Even when he is not as in touch with me as I am with him? I know the training load is heavy but without any concrete understanding of where we stand, it is hard to not start feeling doubtful. He is strong and practical and I am not as disciplined as him. He was always saying he adores me but since I acted like a stupid girl getting frustrated that I wasnt hearing from him, I don't hear him saying that to me anymore. If any women with more experience with military men could give me their opinion, I would love it. My biggest question is, if a man is sending you messages all the time about maybe making a family together, about wanting to live with you/be with you when he gets back from deployment, but then he is so very distant sometimes, is it something to worry about? Maybe he just likes the idea of having a girl pining for him while he is away? Or is that absurd? I'm losing all my rationality because I think I have fallen completely in love with him. Thanks in advance and warm hugs for you all. --Chloe. p.s. sorry for such a long post!
Posted by: Chloe | 04/26/2007 at 13:13
Sarah...
I am glad you heard from him. It gets better it really does...sending packages helps, I find myself sending them almost to much lol..if gets expensive. Being in the military myself, I am unable to bake but when I get home this summer I will. Try the choc. chip recepie on the back of the bag..that is usually really easy..i am sure he will love the chipsahoy though...keep strong girl...Post any ideas for packages you have so we can all share.
The dollar store is great, send a gag package with random stuff it will make your guy laugh.
Posted by: vic | 04/26/2007 at 14:00
I am a military girlfriend as well. My boyfriend just left a few weeks ago to go to Iraq. Its his first deployment. Its really hard! When he was stationed in Ft. Lewis, WA, I at least got to talk to him. I havent heard from him, and have been told that I wont here from him till 2-4 months from now. I cry so much because I miss him and love him. I dont have anyone that I can really talk to that will understand where I am coming from. Alot of my friends call me crazy, for putting myself through all of this. But they dont understand how much my boyfriend means to me , and how I would go to the end of the world for him. I am just looking to meet people who are in the same boat as me and understand where I am coming from.
Posted by: ashley allison | 04/27/2007 at 21:14
Hey!
Okay, Ashley, to reply to your post, you cannot listen to people who aren't in, or involved with the military who talk about your relationship. Our relationships are completely different due to the circumstances in the military. My friends say all the time, Oh I could never do that, I freak out if my boyfriend is gone for a few days! Well, ours are gone for MONTHS, we adapt. The great thing is, if its meant to be, this will make us stronger in our relationships. My boyfriend and I refer to these deployments as "The Ultimate Test". If we can make it through this, we can certainly make it through the hard times when we are actually together. Same for you. Vic on here is the best at advice! Read what she has said, and its true, be patient with the times he is short, and cold. Its an extremely difficult on both parties, but its great to have something at least to vent onto such as this where people actually UNDERSTAND what you are going through, because most of the time your parents, your siblings, your friends don't grasp exactly what you are going through.
chloe.. for your situation the only option you have is patience. live your life as you would normally as much as possible and only time and the waves of emotions that you two endure together will tell if you two really are meant to be. Imagine yourself in his shoes. Its extremely hard to show affection under the circumstance, and try to understand that he cannot keep reaffirming his love for you everyday with is job. Only time can tell, and your support and positivity will most likely make him miss you more.
Those are totally just my opinions, Im new to this myself but maybe we can all learn from each others ideas.
PS in a previous post someone mentioned putting a pillow case with your perfume into the care package, what a hit, he loved it! The little things that make people happy :)
Posted by: Sarah | 04/29/2007 at 20:21
hey there Sarah....the pillowcase was my idea...glad it was a hit! just sent mine out the other day...anyone got some more ideas? These fun carepackages is what helps keep me going!
Posted by: Kiki | 04/29/2007 at 23:53
my guy just spent his 25th b-day over there so i sent him .a singing candle and cupakes(the kind in the package) they were a hit, he loved it.
Posted by: vic | 04/30/2007 at 06:24
thats such a cute idea Vic! Im sure he will uv it! We cant send homemade stuff like cookies....right? Im bumming right now....I was @ a patient of mine house-fell down a flight of stairs and broke my right wrist and am bruised all over...talk about feeling even worse than I did!
Posted by: Kiki | 05/01/2007 at 02:40
Kiki...i am so sorry to hear that...get better soon...YES YOU CAN SEND HOMEMADE STUFF...they love it...cookies make it there ok, just put a piece of bread in the bag...have a great week all
Posted by: vic | 05/01/2007 at 07:12
Kiki, Sorry about your fall.
When my bf was over in Iraq I would freeze the cookies for a few days and then ship. Just another idea. Also I sent alot of crystal light. They have tons of water but it is a nice treat for them to put a little flavor in it. mg
Posted by: MG | 05/01/2007 at 08:33
Crystal Light, Great Idea thanks MG!
Kiki that SUCKS about your wrist! Is it your writing wrist? Do we need to send YOU a care package too?! =)
I am creatively impaired if you will, so keep up the ideas. I sincerely appreciate them, and don't claim them as my own when he loves them, so you all are being credited =)
Have a great day ladies!
Posted by: Sarah | 05/01/2007 at 09:18
Hi all....thanks so much 4 the emails and words of kindness...yes it is my writin hand and next week will know if i need surgery or not....it could be alot worse! Thanks 4 the update re baked goods! i thought u couldnt send them....here's another idea...4 selfish purposes...send a disposable camera so he can take pics of himself 4 u!....my guy had fun doing it and im waiting 4 them now!! ANY games....lol i just sent a whiffle ball set cuz my guy loves playin baseball...anything that will b fun....silly putty...sent water pistols...etc..
Posted by: Kiki | 05/01/2007 at 19:17
i am so glad to have found this site. i thought i was alone. my boyfriend left 2 days ago for iraq, and i've been going back and forth with bouts of denial and crying sessions. he was my high school sweetheart. i've loved him for 10 years, ever since the day i met him. but about 7 years ago we'd drifted apart. we moved on, both in other relationships, long ones. but we found each other again. after one failed marriage and one dead end relationship. the day we decided to get back together, being on opposite sides of the country, he got the order that he was being deployed. my heart broke. when he returned home from training, i moved in with him. 3000 miles from everything i know. we spent 3 blissful weeks together, although most of it was just getting ready for him to go and me to be alone in a place i don't know. and now he's gone. now i wait. i'm not sure when or how he'll be able to get in touch with me. just the last two days have been miserable, i don't know how i'll get through the rest of the time. but i have to. i love him and he wants to marry me after he comes home. we didn't do it before because he didn't want our families to think it was for the wrong reasons. so i'm very thankful i can come here and people understand how difficult this is. when i find out where i can send things to him, i'll be using some of your care package ideas, and i'll keep coming back. i need to learn how to be strong so that he can be stronger. i can't let him worry about me.
Posted by: Jennie | 05/03/2007 at 01:40
Jennie, That is alot to go through! I think you have found the right place to vent though. Its a tough situation. My boyfriend and I don't even live together, we have been doing long distance for over a year, and we try to spend a week a month together, which didn't always happen. Its hard when you are used to having someone as a positive part of your life everyday to just go away. The best thing you can do is be strong, let him know you care. You guys will appreciate each other so much when he gets back and you get married for all the right reasons!
Posted by: Sarah | 05/03/2007 at 15:20
hANG IN THERE JENNIE...WE ALL CAN RELATE... U R NOT ALONE...KEEP URSELF BUSY, VENT HERE, SEND CARE PACKAGES...IT GETS A BIT EASIER EACH DAY....
Posted by: Kiki | 05/03/2007 at 20:35
Sarah, thanks for the response. Kiki, good luck with your hand. I know all you girls must be so strong to deal with these deployments. To feel so proud of someone but to miss them so much at the same time.
Maybe you girls who have more experience with these things than me, since I am newer to this, can give me some reassurance. Things seem to be okay with my guy, he deploys in about 2 weeks, and got one last leave and is coming to visit next week! But while in the past he has always had such loving words for me, in the last 2 weeks I have had NONE of that. I am trying to tell myself it is because he is in deployment-mode now, and can't concentrate on pining for some girl. Is my thinking correct? It is hard to be a girl and have the age old worries, "is he using me?", "does he just want sex", since this is a newer relationship and without the regular reinforcement of his loving words my mind starts to wander to those things. Before he was talking about families and the last 2 weeks it is mostly about blow jobs! Sorry to be graphic! But do you agree I should just be patient and understanding and understand that his number 1 focus needs to be his deployment and not his feelings for me? And feel secure that those feelings are still there, but that he can't concentrate on them or give them too much attention?
Posted by: chloe | 05/04/2007 at 10:28
Hello... this is my first time on here... Im seeing someone thats going through special forces training right now.. could someone please help me out and tell me what its like out there... do they have access to phones and the internet and such during SUT training... much appreciated...by the way... I am just starting to understand the depth of all of this.....
Posted by: sibrin | 05/04/2007 at 17:28
Chloe- by the way.. I just looked at your post.. my guy got a bit like that with sex on his mind just before he left for his SUT training because he's going to be away for 7 weeks straight I think.... but i think thats just their way of coping....
Posted by: sibrin | 05/04/2007 at 17:37
Sibrin...
I dont think they have phones, I am in the army and everything i have heard about special forces training, there are no phones, I will ask around. It is like a harder basic, so he is trainning all the time. I think you can write him if he has an address, not sure though. Good luck
Posted by: vic | 05/04/2007 at 17:41
Thanks a lot for that vic.. no i dont think he has an address...I feel a bit silly being on here.. especially as my guy is still in training... To be honest... Im from new jersey and I moved to england to get international work experience... I cant explain it.. i never thought i would be in this situation... and didnt think i could deal with it... but maybe this SUT thing is a good learning ground for deployment in the future... Im going back home on business next week.. and his mom has asked for me to call her.. will be the first time.. im indian (of the asian nature) by the way.. yes yes very unusual apparently... coz he says he doesnt know of any indians in the SF... how do you cope? and btw.. I just was reading through this.. and you ladies are amazing.. if this thing goes any further.. which at the rate we were going seems very likely.. im completely nuts about him.. I am going to be constantly on here.... so vic where are you right now...
Posted by: sibrin | 05/04/2007 at 17:49
apologies vic.. another stupid question- they are obviously not allowed to use cell phones during SUT training then?
Posted by: sibrin | 05/04/2007 at 18:10
Chloe, I am LOL cuz I can so relate to u regarding the Sex thing and all r wonderins since it is a "newer" kind of thing.....just bear with it 4 a while....it changes to more intimate "feelings" & thoughts once they r gone and start missin u....one day while I was going thru that with him I finally turned it around on him and straight out asked "what am I to u?" If all I am is a ---- to u, let me no cuz I want more in my life than that....it was perfect cuz he was over there 4 a bit and it really opened his heart 2 tell me what he wanted....so b patient it will change...So girls...U must send disposable cameras over....Today I got my first care package from my guy...with the camera and 1 of his army shirts that smelled just like him....the pics and his shirt brought tears 2 my eyes...it was the best gift!! Trust me...getting it sent back will make ur day....Hang in there girls!!
Posted by: Kiki | 05/04/2007 at 18:27
i have found this site comforting. Im just in the beginning stages of the military. My bf is shipping to boot camp in 2 wks. Problem is i think im more interested in us staying together that he is. He is a little lost in life right now and i think that is why he joined. He actually wants to go to Iraq. Im not so sure why. My question is....should i stick it out and see what happens? Do they really miss home and the people there and what is it like for them?
Posted by: nicole | 05/05/2007 at 15:17
So girls what branch of the military r ur guys in and where are they based over there?
Posted by: Kiki | 05/05/2007 at 15:45
I JUST found out that Justins deployment is extended ANOTHER 6 MONTHS! How do I cope with this, its neverending! He says "I understand if you want to move on with your life since thats so long". Am I supposed to just believe that he really means that and is losing hope in us or that he just wants me to be happy... I dont know. I wont see him now until June of 08! How is one supposed to continue a relationship of that nature when I am not allowed to know anything going on in his life and he is not a part of anything I do here. ITS SO HARD. Do I bear through it, or give up? I dont want to give up but I also dont want to wait for someone for over a year and remain true and faithful only to have it end when he does come back because he lost interest, know what I mean. I am so confused, i so dont want to lose him, but I dont know if I can be alone for over the next year, AT LEAST.
Posted by: Sarah | 05/06/2007 at 03:19
Hi Sarah,
Im no expert and I have not gone through any of this yet but when you get a chance to talk to him next why dont you ask him to explain to you why he wants you to move on- whether he feels guilty keeping you hanging or if it is because he doesnt see it going anywhere? It is hard, I am sure, I dont know how I am going to deal with it when I am in that situation- I hope you dont mind me giving you advice.....
but if he is feeling guilty about keeping you hanging on... then you know what to do.... take care
sibrin
Posted by: sibrin | 05/06/2007 at 12:12
Sarah-doesnt he get leave for at least weeks at some point? Even if u have to meet him somewhere like europe...so u can get answers then? My guy is also goin 2 b there till about the same time but gets leave in dec. find out about that...hang in there...i know this sucks!!! Im sorry about ur bad news....
Posted by: Kiki | 05/06/2007 at 13:07
Hi Everyone,
This is my first posting on the site. I am an Army girlfriend and I'm struggling just as so many of you are but I've found great comfort in reading through your postings.
My biggest struggle right now is that I haven't heard from my guy in Iraq in the last four months. I heard from him pretty regularly for the first four months of his deployment. This is his second deployment but my first so I'm not sure how he handled the last one. I'm not in contact with his family. I continue writing letters, sending packages and emails and try to be supportive but it there are days when it really bothers me.
I've made up my mind to stay the course until he comes home as "normal rules of dating" sort of go out the window during deployment and we didn't really have time to prepare for this one before he left.
I have the feeling that he needs to pull away from me to get through his days there. He was very stressed out the last time we talked and doesn't seem to be handling this deployment as easily as his last.
And to make matters worse, his wife left him during his last deployment to Iraq a few years ago so I'm also sensitive to that fact and that he might be dealing with some of the aftermath of that.
I'm wondering if anyone else can shed some light on things or if anyone else experienced this? I think it would help to know that I'm not the only one that has had to deal with the sudden and long lack of communication.
Thanks,
June
Posted by: June | 05/06/2007 at 18:33
Good Morning ladies.
My soldier leaves for a 400 day deployment in 2 weeks. He has offered me all these things such as a home, to look forward to a car, a stable life things i never had. But, now time is running out and i am trying to be clear with all these things how does he want our reletionship to grow? the money he gives me what do i do with it? basically how is this going to wrk. i need guidence how can i approach this subject in a better way? he sees it as i am not believing in us..its not that i just want some understanding. He has a child and the mother of his child left him after his last deployement...i am scared to understand that situation as well....HELPPP i just need some better wording here...
Posted by: Jazzys venting in cali. | 05/07/2007 at 10:53
These recent post have been so sad. You all love these men so much and don't know what to expect. I think they are just really SCARED. They want to serve their country and do what is right but really not sure what they are about to face. My advise would be "HANG IN THERE". I will share something with you that happened to my son. He joined the Army last July. I went to his Basic Training Graduation. During my visit he told me that after he had been in basic for a short period of time they brought them all into a room and locked the door. They said that because of the Israel breakout that their training after basic was condensed and they would be going to war. He said most of the guys started crying including my son. He said the hardest thing was, having to tell me. If you read a previous post of mine I was married for 24 years and lost my husband at a young age to cancer. I have a wonderful military man in my life now who I have gone through a tour in Iraq and now Greenland. I can understand the separation anxiety...it STINKS. I think if you take a day at a time and be there for your man... allow God to handle the rest. You will find Happiness!
Posted by: MG | 05/07/2007 at 17:16
MG...U give wonderful advice...I 100% agree...they r scared-so just love them-support them-and be their happy place-something that brings them happiness and incentive-god has a plan 4 all of us...we have little control in this situation...just love them and with time u will get your answers...hang in there!!
Posted by: Kiki | 05/07/2007 at 23:29
You are all so right. I just have a tough time being the girl back home who just nods her head and smiles, not that that is who I am, but its just as scary and hard on us I think. i feel awful bc we literally just got into email FIGHTS. he says I am mocking his duty by asking him what I am supposed to do while he just keeps re-deploying, and he will continute to do so even after his contracted time is up. He loves his job, so I dont feel sorry for him. Not saying that I should. I am just having a really diffucult time not knowing where i fit into the future. I do feel bad for getting mad via email. Maybe the just even the attention and drama received over email is the most attention total i have recveived in the last 4 months so maybe I actually like it. That sounds so terrible. I just dont know if I can commit to a lifetime of sitting at home waiting when I know he will keep signing up for it. I dont know, Im so confused!
Posted by: Sarah | 05/09/2007 at 04:02
Sarah...u have every right to feel what u do...don't deny urself that! Maybe when u communicate ur feelings online also suggest a solution that he can maybe compromise on...so he can do something to help relieve ur anxiety? Tell him what u need from him to get u thru this as well...so he doesnt feel bad and helpless and guilty that u r feeling this way....it just sounds like he is getting defensive because he doesn't have a solution for u...come up with one for him that will make u happy and that is realistic for him to follow thru with! In the meantime...if this is his career u have to dig deep in ur heart and figure out if this is the life u want...hang in there sarah we all are here for u!
Posted by: Kiki | 05/09/2007 at 12:11
Ok So I need some MAJOR help. I have been with my boyfriend now for 6 months. He has been deployed to Iraq for about 3 weeks now, and I am completley miserable. He will be gone for up to a year. While he was home for leave before he left, we went to visit his family for the first time in Wisconsin. I live in Virginia and therefore am not close to his family for support. While we were there, on April 16th, the shootings at Virginia Tech occured. I am a sophmore, soon to be junior there, and I was completley devistated. He had to leave two days later, so the rest of the time we had together was very strained. I lost some friends in the shootings and it was very hard to deal with everything at once, and I am still not ok. I am very lucky, because he is a good at communicating with me. Sometimes I worry that all of my problems are just one more thing to add to what he is dealing with, so I feel guilty for talking to him about it. My closest friend has recently stopped talking to me because she feels that I am being a baby about the whole situation (him being gone), and that he is not the right one for me anyways. Don't worry, thats actually makes me feel comforted that she doesn't like him, from the choices that she makes in her own life. She doesn't understand. So therefore, I have very few people to talk to and no one that understands. I am an overworrier about EVERYTHING by nature. You name it, and I worry. Does anyone else worry that when your boyfriend comes back, that things won't be as they were before. I mean I know they won't and that it will take time to get back to semi-normal, but what if he decides that he doesn't want this anymore. We talked about marriage and our future alot before he left, but we never discuss it anymore and its hard because I still want to be able to look forward to those things, but I am no longer sure that I can.
On another note, thank you so much for this discussion board. I am so glad to have people to relate to and talk with. A girl really needs her friends when the going gets tough, and I am running out of people to talk to. Thank you very much for this. I would appreciate any feedback, oh and I love the ideas for carepackages. Another idea is a coffeepress. They make coffee without needing an outlet, and are fairly cheap. He can use that, and you can send him his favorite coffee too!
Posted by: VTJenni | 05/11/2007 at 01:51
Hello all, I'm new here. Kiki, I am an alumnus of VT and my brother goes there now, so I can totally relate to you on that level. My boyfriend (also a VT alum) deployed on the 27th to top it off. I am also a worry-wort so I can relate to the anxiety. Luckily I am in medical school so I have PLENTY to distract me (haha, should be doing some studying now..), so that would be my advice is do your best to try to limit your time spent worrying, give yourself so many times a day where you are allowed to.
Another idea that has REALLY helped me is to journal everyday life, I "talk" to it as if I am talking to him and it really helps! I then of course will send it to him (don't have an address yet). I understand about the friends thing, it is really hard to find people who understand, I go to a sort of anti-military medical school so not a whole lot of people
"get it" you just have to try to reach out. I recently started volunteering at Walter Reed's rehab clinic and I cannot tell you how great that makes me feel!! I'm also planning on volunteerin at another base by tutoring some children there. So that's another piece of advice: volunteer in the military community.
I hope that helps!! Best of luck! :)
Posted by: sara | 05/11/2007 at 16:22
P.S. My boyfriend is a practical joker type, so I am planning on sending him a sandbox toy set; I think he'll get a kick out of it :)
On a more serious carepackage note I am planning on sending a DVD with some of our "couple pictures" set to a song; it was surprisingly easy to make! (Windows Movie Maker)
Posted by: sara | 05/11/2007 at 16:26
Thanks Sara. Its hard because all of this is new, and I guess after a while it will get easier. Im in between a summer internship and school right now, just being a bum for a few days at home, so that makes the worrying worse. Being away from school for the summer will help with all of that mess. I will do my best to stay busy. Your right, that always does help. Thank you for listening and respoding, it makes me feel SO much better already.
I sent my first care package today. I have a question. He wants me to send his favorite kind of chewing tobacco (I don't like that he does it, and I am already working on him to quit, but right now with him over there, its not the best time to force him to stop). Do they have regulations about sending that stuff through the mail? I am always worried about what I can and can't send. I did it anyways, so I guess well see how it goes.
I just got off the phone with him. Hes happy and safe, and just got his liscense to drive the truck from the barracks to work. Hes stationed at Camp Bucca.
I cannot tell you how relieved I have been the past two days to just be able to type what im feeling on here and know that people will understand. Thank you so much everyone for this. And sorry I type alot, Im a talker too, and its nice to finally have someone to listen.
P.S. Another good idea for stuff to put in carepackages. The dollar isles at target when you first go in the store always have really corny but cheap things. I got him a bucket and shovel. I always joke about if he gets bored, there is pleanty of sand around to make castles. The funny thing is I know he will actually do it now :) Keep sending the ideas, I love it.
Posted by: VTJenni | 05/11/2007 at 17:58
hey!!!!! i been dating my bf for almost 2 yrs and i love him to death. He is in Us Army. 2day he left to fort hood texas and i cant begin to tell u how much i miss him. I am gettin used to the fact of him leaving all the time but its still hard. Hes been thru basic training which i was luck enough to just b without seeing for a month and a half cuz he came down to his home town on december then 14 days later he left again back to south carolina he grad and left to virginia he came on april for 4 wks which they fly. It went by so fast, it suxs!...now i wont b able to see him for 7 months cuz he doesnt have any days off :(
All i gotta say is by there for ur bf, husband watever the case may be. Listen to them and comfort them. They dont want use suffering because then they suffer and then they cant concentrate on wat their mission is and that aint good. Don't give them drama!!!!!! Just be a good g/f...even tho sumtimes it may seemed as this is all pointless cuz u hardly see them trust me if u love the guy ur with u rather see them for a cpl of days then none. Stick wit ur man, love honor, cherish him!!!!!...They need our love and support. Also when they are home dont push them away, b wit them as much as u can because once he leaves u dont know when hes coming bak..so value the times u have 2gether. These are things im shareing with u gurls because i've learned them. Best of luck to all u woman.
God Bless
Posted by: Rosy | 05/12/2007 at 00:49
VTJenni, sorry I didn't direct the previous post to you in the first place, I thought the names appeared at the top! oops, beginners mistake!
Anyways, I am not so sure on the chewing tabacco, my suspicions are that it's ok since he is over the age of 18, it's a legal substance, etc. I'm so happy that you got to hear from him!! I know it's always the highlight of my day :)
From the emotions I have gone through I think the sadness comes in waves and eventually they will come further apart (but never going away).
Good to know your taking my advice to heart, you'll make the world a better place like your boyfriend is trying to :)
Again, best of luck, us hokies and Army girlfriends have to stick together!
Posted by: sara | 05/12/2007 at 01:48
sorry i'm chatty, he couldn't talk this morning ... i need a better outlet - here ?
i only said things to make him feel good the nite before he left then he sent me rounds of kisses and things on and on online - i said "loving your feeling, i am (yoda)" and "miss you much, i won't" "with me here always, you are"
i am so grateful for this deployment - it changed our whole situation - made us closer even though he is farther away - we are bonding
Posted by: kitten | 05/13/2007 at 02:54
cool rosy - thanks for that
if he was in the house - i would NEVER push him away - i know of people who do that and it kills me that people waste time that we would die to have
it has been 16 months since we've seen each other in person and it will be 11 months before he comes back to me - webcam would make me crazy - he did it once and i recorded/copied frames of it the whole time :)
we are closer every day even tho we have been at a distance - i have given him what no one else has: TIME
and i would never make him choose me or work
sorry i go on and on about him - we have been doing the distant thing for 2-1/2 yrs and only seen each other 2 weeks out of that (and that was after my workday -
6-10pm)
Posted by: kitten | 05/13/2007 at 08:23