Perspective

On my husband's last night home on R&R, we opened a bottle of champagne to celebrate our future.  We talked about where we'd like our next duty station to be. We talked about making the final payment on our car, the cruise we had scheduled for after the deployment, and my job prospects for the coming year.  We were in high spirits as we snuggled together and drank that cheap bubbly.  And then the phone rang.

My friend's husband had just been killed in Fallujah.

I've been lucky in my life that I've never lost someone too close to me.  I think often when we hear about death, we have an immediate sense of Life Is Precious that quickly fades.  When my friend's brother died, I immediately called my brothers to tell them I love them.  But the feeling of urgency goes away after a short time and we return to "normal."

I have never returned to normal after Sean Sims' death.

People die all the time in the civilian world.  I graduated from high school ten years ago. Of just the people I knew in high school, one drowned, one died in a gang fight, one got mistakenly shot by a hunter in the woods, one got randomly murdered for being in the wrong neighborhood late at night, one got hit by a car while he was jogging, one died in the WTC on September 11, one killed himself, and several have died in car accidents, including an old boyfriend. I know two people who have mysteriously disappeared without a trace. I know someone who has a brain tumor. We're all on death's doorstep, in one way or another.  But most people don't think about life's dangers every time they step out the door.  Few people face their mortality as often as we military families do.

After my friend's husband died, I thought about her all the time.  She was my anchor to Perspective.  When my husband's return date from Iraq kept changing and I was upset thinking we might have to cancel our non-refundable travel plans, I realized that my friend would give anything to have cancelled travel plans with her husband.  When my husband does something to really tick me off, I realize that I'm lucky to have a husband to tick me off.  Any time I feel like life gets to be too much, I think of my friend and how she'd trade places with me in a heartbeat.  Job troubles, PCS woes, toilets that don't flush: she'd take any of that if it meant having her husband back.

Being friends with a war widow has given me an enormous amount of Perspective.

Military spouses derive their Perspective from a variety of places.  Many spouses think about how hard it would be to be a Vietnam-era spouse, or WWII, or Civil War; we gain Perspective on our lives when we think of how hard it would be to do these deployments without email or webcams.  Andi wrote a post about First Ladies, women who face many of the same issues we do but with far fewer comrades to keep them company.  I have a good Army wife friend who repeatedly watches the episode of From the Earth to the Moon about the Apollo astronaut wives because she says those are the only spouses she knows who had it harder than military spouses; she gains Perspective from knowing that no matter what happens to her husband, she never has to face the idea of him orbiting the moon for eternity, never to return.  No matter where we get it, we military spouses are all privy to that Perspective on life.  We all know how precious life is because we stare loss in the face on a daily basis.

I wouldn't trade this Perspective for anything, even though I know it comes at a great price.  I can never imagine going back to a time when I would let cancelled travel plans ruin my day.  I choose to celebrate life's bumps and bruises because I am always aware that my husband is here to slog through it with me. 

Muddy boots, filthy PTs, and dirty TA-50 are a blessing to be cherished.  That's Perspective.

Comments

[Love My Tanker]

Well said Sarah!

I have had the same perspective of the years after losing friend's of ours in OIF. I am glad to say that I am still friends with and stay in touch with their widows and children. It does make you grateful for the little things.

They also give me strength when I think I have none. If they can go on and do wonderful things with their lives, I can pick myself up when I am having a bad day. Simply because, in reality, my bad day is nothing compared to what they have lived through and they still find the strength to live their lives to the fullest.

[MrsDdaland]

What I find interesting is that there is always someone we can think of who we think has it worse than we do. You both talk of widows left with young children as being your inspiration. Many years ago, I was a young (non-military related) widow left with small children. I was 27 and my children were 5 years and 6 months, respectively. I got through it by seeing the people around me who I thought were worse off than I was and by counting my own blessings. Sometimes I wonder if there is someone somewhere who has it "worst", then I realize it's all a matter of perspective. As long as you can see the blessings in your own life, there will always be someone you think is in a worse situation. We're all stronger than we think.

[Andi]

What a great post!

"I wouldn't trade this Perspective for anything, even though I know it comes at a great price."

Love that quote...

[deirdre]

My personal motto
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger..

[Sarah]

MrsDdaland, I understand what you mean. In some morbid sense, my friend is "luckier" than some of these other widows who gave birth while their husbands were deployed and whose husbands never even got to meet their babies. And I'm sure there's someone out there who has it even worse. You're right: we're all stronger than we think. And we're all luckier than we think too.

[Kel]

I think Women in general are strong military spouse or not. we are all very strong and can do anyhting we set our minds to.. as long as we dont take for granted the small everyday things that make life worth living.

[Amanda]

Fantastic post! I've been following Mrs. Sims blog for a few months now, and I have to say she (a stranger who I will probably never meet)has inspired me more than friends I've known for years. Again, great post - just what I needed to hear today!

[seabeewife]

My husband ia in boot camp for the Navy. I am going up to see him Feb. 9th for his grad. I am so proud of him!! But I am kinda scared too. I havent seen him in 9 weeks, how different is it going to be? And never having been to an event like this should I take our 2 small children with me? Will it be worth it for putting them in a car for 9 hours just to say bye to Daddy again?
Advice PLEASE
New Navy Wife

[Lyn]

I have a HUGE THANK YOU for you for posting this. You have no idea how much I needed this.
A few days ago, my husband was deployed. It's our first deployment together. I was pretty much. . Devistated..
After reading this, it did give me a whole new perspective. I leave his shoes by the door, his toothbrush on the bathroom vanity, and his iced tea in the fridge KNOWING that he'll be home in a short few months.
After all. . Everyday is just another step closer. .

[Erin]

What an inspirational post! My fiance and I have been together for three years, during which time we have probably seen each other a grand total of maybe a year and a half, and I don't see that getting any more often any time soon! Seeing that other people are going through similiar things makes me feel like I'm not alone and in turn, that knowledge helps me to look on the bright side of things. Thanks for the great post!

[jw9]

For all the women who wait

I do not know who wrote this but thought it appropriate for all the ladies who wait for their men to return.

One Flaw In Women
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
But they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
And laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
When they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
And cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
A birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
Yet they are strong when they
Think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
Can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
To show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have the compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their
Family and friends.
Women have vital things to say
And everythin g to give.

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

[marie]

My husband is set to deploy in March & left this morning for training in Texas after 1 weeks notice. Up until I found this site, just browsing the web for help, I was definitely in the 'sorry for myself' mode. After advise from another member about coping & reading through several blogs...I am inspired with the strength & loyalty I am encountering all around me. You are definitely helping others to stop & realise what they have instead of what they haven't. Thank you for sharing your stories...you have no idea how much this has helped me in just one day.

[Jennifer]

Great post Sarah! My husband served in Fallujah with Sean Sims (Sean was his CO), and I remember well the day he died. I remember how strong Heidi was in the midst of everything, and her courage under fire taught me a lot about perspective as well. Life can stop at any moment - so grab it while you can!