Dancing...

Come a little bit closer
Hear what I have to say
Just like children sleepin
We could dream this night away.

~Neil Young
Harvest Moon

This past week while in Texas, I listened to the new generation's concern .  I looked out and saw young faces.

I remember being that young.  It is a different World now. 

They are the "information generation", these young  and brave spouses.  They get information FAST, some of it accurate, some of it inacurate.  Some of it painful.  The information is NOW.  Sifting must be done FAST.  This is new territory, and they are pioneers.

Desert Storm does not seem so long ago to me, even though it was.  And as I told these ladies about the 3 phonecalls in 9 months, and the fact that there was no e-mail, only snail mail.  Oh, and the snail mail was not always so reliable.  But I still have the letters.  The sweet dusty letters, in DH's hand.  Notes proclaiming his love, and intentions for me.  When I said "3 phonecalls", the attendees looked at me in shock.  Desert Storm does not seem so long ago, but by technology standereds, it may as well be hundreds of years. 

You see alot of or soldiers have access to phones at every second, and some of them use them often. 

We,  have "a dance" after 16 years of marriage.  A dance that is not perfect, but it is ours. 

The information.  Over the years, I have come to learn what I can handle and what I cannot.  SO I sat on the panel, and I listened to the young wife stand up and tell me, she talks to her Husband as much as she can, but sometimes, the information is too immediate, and too much for her.  She mentions a phonecall he makes during a mortor hitting his area.  My mind freezes while listening, and I look out into the crowd.  I see other wives nodding, like "I have had that phonecall". 

I do not want that phonecall. 

I immediately try and process this. 

I have never gotten that call.  I do not want that call.  I think I may go insane, if that call ever comes.  We have a "don't ask, don't tell policy". 

My Daddy used to tell me, "Never ask the question you do not want to hear the answer to".  I have learned to live by that. 

Is this your dance?  Nope, probably not. 

We are all playing differently and making up rules as we go.  Do I want to know what went on while my DH was in Iraq?  Sure, I really want to hear it, all of it.  But this war is not over yet, and I would venture to say he is going again.  Can I sleep at night knowing he is driving, and IED's are going off?  Yes.  I can.  I know what happens in Iraq. I keep myself informed.  I admire all of our soldiers that put theur lives on the line daily for us.  However, I am not sure if I am ready, or if I will ever be ready to hear THE STORY that proves our luck. 

But our dance is our dance.  He has great military support around him, he is involved at his Chapel.  There is a price I pay and the cost is a bit of guilt I carry for not being quite ready for "his stories".  I feel weak. Like I have let him down in a way.  But, it evens out.  He too has his own guilt, missing time, missing Birthday's anniversaries....he too has his own guilt.  And I do not think either of us would ever use it to hurt one another. 

And somehow this dance of ours, after almost 16 years, it is smoother than it was 10 years ago.  We try and carry one anothers weight when the other is tired.  We take turns leading one another, when  the other is too tired.  Maybe we should learn a new dance, but for now, I like this one.  It is easy for us, and we know the steps, we know when to back off, and when to lead. 

So my question to our readers...

How are you handling information, and communication, now that it is so easy?  What are your bounderies?  Are you happy with the boundries?

Comments

[kettadora]

Hubby just left a few days ago for the box. In preparation for this deployment (2nd to Iraq), we talked a lot about the new options available, especially cell phones. In the end, we both decided that foregoing the cell phone is best. We worried that we would both depend on it too much and then if something bad happened and I couldn't reach him, that I may react worse.

For now I am content to know that there is no way I can call him. It makes it easier to accept that he's not coming home and that he is far away, fighting for our freedom.

We did make the choice to get him high-speed internet in his room. The price per month almost evened out to what he was paying at the internet cafes last time, and this way he doesn't have to wait in line or get booted off after 45 minutes.

I still send snail mail, but he never writes back which is fine by me. Whatever makes my soldier happiest is what I want him to do.

[Stephanie]

I've just gone through my first deployment (thankfully a short one) with my boyfriend. It was his fourth deployment and second time in Iraq.

He was not on a large base with access to phones or internet cafes, nor did he have 24/7 'net access in his room. I received four phone calls in four months. Much to my surprise, we were usually able to email several times per week, sometimes several times a day. There were weeks when I would not hear from him for days, and more than once I wondered if I'd become spoiled by the frequent emails. It was almost a double edged sword since I worried when I hadn't heard from him, knowing he would usually at least send a few words in an email.

We didn't really discuss the specifics of the events going on around him, though he kept a blog and posted some generalities. He did call me after a friend had been killed, which was much harder than I had anticipated when I heard the emotion he was trying to hide.

I've been told snippets of some events since he has been home but, like you, I'm not sure I want to know all of the specifics just yet. He'll be going to Iraq again; I'm not sure I want specific stories replaying in my mind as I'm lying in bed wondering if he's safe and counting the days until he's home.

[Chelsea]

My husband has been in Iraq for just over 3 months. Due to where he's stationed, I get 1 phone call a month. I don't get emails because there is no connection usually and I know my husband well enough to know I'll probably only get 1 or 2 letters for the entire year long deployment.

It was extremely tough at first. Especially since I was expecting the here and now as so many new wives do. However, I learned how to adapt to the month long 'silence.' I stick to the mantra "no news is good news." It keeps me grounded.

When the calls do come, I cherish them. Those 45 minutes are all I get for a month and I want to hear everything. I want to hear everything. I process it all later when I can't talk to him. I think of the stories and the news and it keeps me going to the next call.

[Recruiters Wife]

The dance..the dance...The dance we do consists of going our entire relationship without missing a single day of at least saying hello.. He trained in Wisconsin for 2 1/2 months, and we talked every day-even when he was out in the field..The day was going to come, and it made me sick to think about it...he flew out to Germany-I talked to him, he flew from Germany to Kuwait-I talked to him..Then the days passed, and I heard nothing.. I had accepted that I would not know the next time that I would talk to him, and like many I tried to think that no news was good news, after all-he was waiting in "safe Kuwait" until his year long journey into Iraq. THe first couple of weeks in Iraq I only heard from him every couple days. Then he finally moved into his room where he has the internet, and now we usually at least get to say hi at least once a day...But I too feel spoiled, and when I don't hear from him after his day of searching for IED's I get nervous. Would it be better not to be so privalidged? Before he deployed we agreed that he would tell me everything.. It was better that way. THen I could tell that he wasn't telling me everything, and I was ok with that. I go back and forth with wanting to know vs. not wanting to know. He tells me the basics, when they find an IED-when he gets to blow stuff up, when they get shot at, what Buffalo or RG31 hes TC'ing for..etc..I have come to be ok with this..THe difficult part.. Today he says that he needs to be honest with me..I was thinking, oh no what happened.. He tells me that he is more happy being on missions, and doesn't want to sit around on days off.. This was the hardest for me to handle..Instant gratification of blowing stuff up and not being bored, which could lead to him not coming home(his choice), or long term gratification of spending the rest of his life with me-going on less missions, and reducing the probabilities of something bad happening..

[Lily]

Communication has improved greatly since Desert Storm. My husband deployed for Desert Storm in Dec.1990. I got a phone call from him every other month, and letters took almost 4 weeks to reach me. Last deployment to Iraq he had his own computer, and we emailed or chatted every single day unless he was convoying somewhere. It felt more like he was tdy instead of being deployed.

[Bette]

I'm one of those women nodding about overhearing a rocket attack, but I wouldn't have traded his cell phone access for anything. Given our very different communication styles, phone calls were less open to misinterpretation than e-mail.

We've set a boundary we're satisfied with. He won't talk about combat with civilians, including me. Some bits and pieces came out in his redeployment decompression, but I didn't push to know more. If I knew everything, I'm not sure I could handle the next deployment.

Maybe when he's retired I'll be ready to hear about every fire fight, every close call. But for now, we're telling the elephant in the room to put his feet up and stay a while.

[Calico]

My Hubby is on a submarine, and during this deployment there have been two periods when I did not have any word from him for 60 days at a time. I know that's the length of time because I send him an email every morning before I start my day, and I number them. We are able to talk some when he pulls in to port, and I hear some of what he's been up to. Some of it is classified, and some of it he saves for when he gets home. Yes, it gives me nightmares to know what can go wrong; to know how close they have come at times. But if it helps him to talk about it later, when all is over and he's safe at home, then I will dance to that music with him.

[Rick]

Boy, I sure envy the choices ya'll have. Growing up around the world as a military brat in the 60's & 70's we had almost no choices for communicating with "the world" other then snail mail. And that took weeks just to go one way. First time I believe we ever got to call home on a phone was from Clark A.F.B in the P>I> in '73. Got 5 minutes for the whole family to say something to grandma. Snail mail ruled in those days. Later in my own army carrer it was 1-5 minute morale call a month. We had to get on a list and sign up for the call. The "mars" operator would try to get the call through and when it did come through, regardless of what time of day or night it was, you better be there in about 1 minute or the call would be terminated and you had to wait until the next month rolled around. This method was still the only option on my last assignment in eastern Turkey in '85. I am really really glad that's changed.

[LAW]

I remember snail mail, still have some of his. I will NEVER forget being on the phone with my son who was in Sadr City only to have him say gotta go mom, getting mortared.... needless to say, I informed him a few days later when I heard from him that he better NEVER do that again.

Husband is on a big base, we try to IM nightly, but sometimes its three days between talks. But I am so grateful for this new way to communicate. I remember the old days, the 5 minute calls from Italy to VA... terrible connections.

[armywifetoddlermom]

I am finding this sooo interesting that each of us has such a different story and a different set of boundries we have found comfortable.

Very interesting...

[DH]

Let me down? I don't think so.

I did not have a cell phone that would call back home during most of OIF2. The majority of the calls home were made at one of the contracted phone trailers. Inside these were twenty-odd fabricated phone stalls that were covered with the most wonderful "Joe" graffiti in the world. What constantly amazed me while sitting there during each phone session was the atmoshpere all around you. Every range of human emotion would be going on at the same time. Two phones down from yours, there would be the new baby phone call. The phone behind you there would be a fight. On your left would be someone crying, and on your right would be three Indonisian contract workers using one phone to call their village back home. Someone would always be talking way to loud, and someone would always be listening to you as well. I will admit to adding quite a bit to the artwork in these places - but always had positive messages for others to read.

[Rebekkah]

I have been lucky in that my husband calls me at every opportunity he gets. the first thing he did when he got to Kuwait was call me, same when he got to Iraq and again when he moved to a different base, now its almost like clock work I can pretty much count on hearing his voice on thursday and sunday, and whats funny is he doesnt realize that he has a pattern to when he calls. we talk about everything. he tells me all that hes allowed and I take it all in. I prefer the twice a week call to the IMs and emails.

[cat]

My boyfriend prefers IM. He is gone so much.And he takes his 'puter everywhere.And he has great timing! when he does IM he seems to catch me as I walk in the room or just woke up and went to sit at the 'puter to check on things! We do the don't ask,don't tell. And I have a private blog for us so he knows what happening back home with lots of pics!I can tell when he's homesick cause he will read entries over and over. He will never admit it! And he doesn't know I track it! lol.

[NewMilitaryWife]

How about WebCam's. Odd I haven't heard anyone mention that yet, and so many of the wives I've met at our current DS have told me it made all the difference in the world. My husband deploys with a Military Training Team for 15 months starting Jan 8. We invested in a webcam and his lap top has one built in. As long as you have internet connection and enough RAM on your puter, anyone can use one. Just thought it was worth letting everyone know about. This is my first deployment and my guts are already in knots. Family and friends have NO idea what to say. Hubby not deploying with a unit so there is no FRG, no duty station to report to. Spousebuzz looks like my new best friend!

[cat]

yes we have webcams!I use mine more than his. I had one here at the house and he got one before he finished his training. his doesn't travel with him though. so i haven't 'seen' him in over a month.

[Heather]

Hmmm... We haven't yet tackled our first deployment.. But we were together when he went through Basic, which was a very long 4 months with all of probably 4 phone calls, but lots of letters.
I'm an all-the-information-I-can-get kinda gal, I like to know whatever's going on, so I hope he has a chance when he goes overseas to have a cellphone or email lots.. But, I haven't faced it yet so I don't know whether I'll get to a "okay, just don't tell me" point..