Thanks, but really, I'm okay

Much is said and much of our focus tends to be on ensuring we do what we can to reach out and touch the milspouse in our corner of the blogosphere.  Most of the older heads (note I didn't say "Blue hairs" or "Silverbacks") will attest to this, but there are times when the repeated offers of assistance though appreciated, really, truly aren't needed.  And at times (I suppose I should be WAY thankful) the offers reach a level of cacophony that hurt my ears (esp. the one good one I have left). What goes through your mind?  What are the things that you consider before you say, "Thanks!, but really, I'm okay."

My usual knee-jerk reaction is to say, "Thanks -- I'll give you a ring on the telee if I need  something" before I hustle off.  But what if that puts them off?  Then will they answer if and when I do call?  If they're offering this respite to me in earnest, by me saying "thanks, no" am I sending the signal that possibly I believe their offer frivolous?  What's the secret that allows me to simply say, "I'm fine" w/out squelching the offer when it's needed?  ... or for the next milspouse who really is in need? 

Or possibly, is it worst again, to accept the offer of assistance, whether it be a hot meal (w/ that all powerful "adult conversation" kicker), or the trip to the commissary (for something you really don't need), or ...

Sometimes, I really just wish to be left alone.  The laundry is getting done, the bills are getting paid, the checkbook is balancing (yeah, right), and I know tomorrow may be topsy turvey and I'll be on my butt again looking for a hand to help me stablize my gyro's.  So, for me, I follow what my Mom told me ... Yo, Toad; be polite and tell the truth.  "With all my heart I appreciate you thinking about me and offering to do whatever I might need, but for now, Thanks, ... really, ... I'm okay."  O&O, MaintToad1

Comments

[Army D/W]

You should have known I'd have something to "say". ;)

People who truly know me don't ask me if I need something~they know I'll hit them up when I do.

Others who offer, and offer, and offer to the point of distraction (cause usually I really am "ok")and I keep having to say "no thanks" and "thanks, no" over and over......

When I finally tune in to their "trend" of feeling like they need to "help" me~I find a way I can send them in a direction that they might truly be needed. I've sent one aquaintance to an organization that I would have loved to spend time at, but couldn't due to conflicting comitments by telling her that they needed volunteers, but that I just couldn't with my schedule~a happy marriage of talent and time came of it and she feels like she's "helping" me too!

I try to keep myself aware of other families and military related organizations who/that I might not be able to reach out to (because of my own situation) and ask the "helpers" to do something there.

I think there is a population that feels the need to help us though "this" as "repayment" for what we are doing. Which far beats out the "civilians" who have no clue that it might be nice if they at least asked to help out the family of a deployed soldier in some way.

Another answer might be "I've covered this time, but next week I might need help with X~I'll keep you in mind. Thanks!"

[LAW]

The ones that make ME nuts, the ones who take my arm, look soulfully into my eyes and say "oh you poooooooooor thing.." Just NOT what I need. There are days that I am feeling ok, when things are going almost right... I just don't need that. And around here, they don't ask to help. The ones who want to help are doing so, the others try to ignore me with that vacuous "oh jaaaaa" look. The ones that really got me... the VFW/Legion guys who, when I called to ask for help, told me to call a handyman, they don't do that sort of thing... We turned in the old man's memberships.

LAW

[dizzylizzie]

ive found there are two types of people who ask about helping. those who can/will and those who are just trying to be nice. on the first and second deployments i couldnt, in my frazzled state, tell which was which. now i know that my friends here on the base are the can/will type (same goes for them, if they need anything, i'm right there) we actually have a nice little system going. if i'm on my way to the commisary or bx i give 'em a call to see if i can pick them up anything. and vise versa. not having to pack up the baby and drag her out for a gallon of milk can be SUCH a relief!
to the others i cant help but do the 'polite smile' and think to myself "why do you ask me this? we both know you dont really mean it" but i just smile and nod and say "ok well if something comes up i'll ring you" makes them feel good because they offered, but drives me nuts.

[Jo]

Dizzy, exactly. I know who means it and who doesn't. Then there are those that don't ask, but know that if I need, they will be there. Sometimes I think people ask because they feel sorry for me, and they don't know I can tell its fake. I don't ask for help much - but when I do, I know whose offer was true.

[just me]

I hate the ppl that ask if I need help or say "whenever you need anything, you know I'm here" but when I do call or ask for help they just "can't" (wont??) help me. or have a bazillion excuses why they cant. thats my pet peeve and ive learned to ignore all supposed offers of help b/c i know they are all empty. there's only one person i can count on and that's myself. except this go 'round even i cant count on myself. im just in a bad place right now. deployments are taking their toll on me and i can't cope.

[dizzylizzie]

forgive me for thread hijacking but i've just finished reading "Married to the Military ~ A Survival guide for mil wives.." by Meredith Leyva. This is an open invatation to anyone would would like to borrow it. i hit the post office once a week on saturdays (weekly care pkg LOL) and i'd be happy to share

[Army D/W]

Then there's the neighbor across the street in "suburbia". She's said "Ohhhhoooooooooooooo! I look across the street and HOPE that you guys are "OK" all the time."

so many times I do want to scream "WHAT? You don't have feet to walk over and ring the door bell AND ASK ME????"

Then she will go on and tell me how busy and "important" their lives are. Granted there are 4 children in a blended both working family, and "yep. I see they are busy~coming and going all the time."

But really. "I look over and think of you." ????? She's one of those I am tempted to burst into tears "on" just to see her reaction.

Then I call my friend in Houston and "go off" and feel a ton better although she really didn't (dosen't) do anything. Her friendship and calming sprit and voice make it "all better". That's who I call.

This deployment "THE BEST" has been the invitations for dinner out with the girls....um, yea, sometime's I do leave the 5 year old unattened at night and just go out for dinner??? No offer of their teenagers to baby sit, in one case the "friend-emy" was mad because she'd gone to "such trouble" to arrange the dinner with everyone~and me "her guest of honor" couldn't come.

?????Cranberry Juice goes well with Amaretto. ;)

[Megan]

I truely think some people want to help and others just want to see if you are doing poorly so they can feel better themselves. However my husband on his own time called his supervisors wife while he was deployed the second time in a year. He chose to do it since the first deployment she called the shop to ask for help and nobody showed. At first she was nice then she won't aswer if she saw our number on caller ID. The kicker when he got back he complained that a Sr. Airman was calling and not someone else. Would she have talked to someone else. I have learned through deployments I try to stay away from other ammo wives so I don't have to hear all the rumors. I just depend on my friends. My only main complaint is spouses of non-deployables saying how they wish thier spouse could deploy. Really cause I do to so other people don't have to pick up thier slack. But would they be able to handle it if thier spouse ever did actually deploy.

[SoldiersGirl]

Oh Megan-- I hear ya'!! I can't stand it when ppl do that. There are guys in my hubbies shop who keep missing getting deployed b/c they are going away to a school and then the wives say to me "ohh- I am soo upset he is gone for 6 weeks." 6 weeks? I wish. I do get ppl asking me if I need anything when my hubby leaves, but I know that the friends who I made through the kids' school are the ladies who are there for me, eager to help and do so time after time. It must make "the others" feel like they are helping by offering, and I do appreciate that the offer is better than none at all, but in an emergency-- you have to know where to look, and it is rarely these people.

[Recruiter wife]

People...People are confused.. I truly don't think that most people understand what we do and do not need as help.. I am stubborn. I refuse to ask for help, thats just me.. My hubby knowing this before he left asked (I swear everyone that he knew) to keep an eye on me..call me..check in on me... ask if I need anything. I appreciate all of the offers, but this being my first deployment(So far scheduled to be 16 months-hes been gone for 3) I just don't know what I need for help. I don't need help around the house, i don't need help with my kids.. I need help with my sanity. this is not something that someone else can give me. People ask every single day.. how are you? do you need anything?? call me if you do! Well ya know what, when I am breaking down in my bedroom with the t-shirt that hubby left covered in the scent of his cologne, i don't want to talk to other people. This is when I need help! I have gotten to the point of answering with a shrug of the shoulder, or i really am ok, i'm doing my best. What is the right time to ask for help? And who do I ask? Do I ask hubby's parents who are almost as upset as i? do I ask the milspouse who's hubby just got back last year? or do I ask the friend that has no idea what I am going through.. Mind you, I do not live on a base anywhere near any other military help.

[Army D/W]

Those people who know me know that I am a social BEAST by nature. They all know that what I need is social contact. So. They come over. They know that I don't have childcare~that there's always something to gnash and they come over.

I also have "Houston" who I can call day or night crying or not, she knows me better than I know myself sometimes, she's not afraid to ask the hard questions and she's not afraid to tell me what I need to hear~we all need to find our "Houston" and hold on tight~

I can't make it through some days without digging in the trash for a silver lining. Yesterday's was the heater guy, whose overhauls wouldn't button on the sides ;) He did what needed to be done, and stopped on the front step and said "I appreciate the sacrafice you and your family are making for our country."

One of him makes up for all the "entitled" whose braincells with a friends could fit into a gallon pickle jar, anyday.

Please do what it takes to take care of you, your loved one deserves that~they love you too!

[dizzylizzie]

lol, i'll start thinking about me when the baby lets me get more than four consecutive hours of sleep...right now its all about sleep...

[Bette]

When our (well-intentioned) neighbor offers help that for some reason I don't want, I thank him warmly and tell him that I need to remember how to do a few things on my own, just to stay in practice.

That said, when I came home this week to find that our neighbor on the other side had mowed our lawn, I was elated. He didn't offer or ask, but he's a soldier, knew my sweetie was on a mission, and did what he thought needed to be done.

I'm awfully stubborn and will exhaust every other option before asking for help, but I don't mind the occasional blessing!

[Army D/W]

dizzylizzy, you know you need sleep~take it when you can and leave the "rest". That's what you need to do right now to take care of you~ I once had a neighbor when our son was born who went NUTS when I shared that "sometime's" I just put him in bed with me when the I-man is gone and the baby won't sleep. She went on and on about how he'd never sleep alone, and how I'd regret doing that...blahblahblahblah

I was doing what I had to do to get the rest I needed. Please do the same, here's sending you some zzzzz's and a )( hug!

[Army D/W]

Suburban Victory!

After months of "thank you, we are fine" to neighbors who ask "what can I do to help?" or offer to mow my lawn that I pay a lawn care service to take care of, or telling me to "send" my son up to their house to play "hello? I don't know you yet." we just moved in 3 months ago, and while they want me to send my 5 year old up to play they don't invite me up to meet the family "scope out their place" first. That would be another soap box~another time...but HELLO! That's how bad things happen to little children!!! Oh~but we are here in "safe and sound" suburbia...

DOWN OFF THAT BOX~ TOPIC AT HAND!!! sorry. focus:

One neighbor asked me today if the Man Cub (our 5 year old Kindergartener) could be his Cub/Boy Scouts Troop Community Service project for the year.

He's an Army guy too~gotta love him! His plan is to have the members of his troop visit once a week and play with the Man Cub! I won't have to do anything except provide the location. HELLO we are already here, and currently I'm the one playing with the Man Cub!!!!

They are all older, and will be "baby-sitter trained" before they come, so I may actually get to "take a moment". I might actually not have to be the pirate on the playset~but get to watch pirates on the playset!!!!!

I currently pay a 12 year old "mommy's helper" once a week to come over and run,play and jump with the Man Cub, while I attempt to get things done around the house. But a freebie "mommy's helper" too? I'm all over that!

The Man Cub will also be allowed to join their troop now although he is "tecnically" not old enough until January and participate in their weekly activities under adult male supervision.

I don't know about the other MoB* *Mom's of Boys* out there but when TheDaddy's gone the Man Cub feels it BIG TIME.

I have to openly give praise the efforts of one of our own, he too is helping bring to light what is going on here in Suburbia "right under the noses" of free civilians~ ; ) who don't know what to do to help.

I never would have asked for this type of "help"~I pay my mommy's helper happily. But, I am pleased that these Boy Scouts will be able to have some hands-on connection and perhaps gain some appreciation for their own parents who are able to be home with them, in the Land of the Free~Beacuse of the Brave.

soap box...how do I always manage to climb up on that soap box???

[MedicWife]

What about the ones who ask you how you are doing...and when you tell them you are 'okay' or 'good, thanks' (because you ARE having that exceptional day), .....they act like you are heartless and cold for not drowning in a puddle of tears.

Then there are the days you ARE drowning in a puddle of tears, and they look at you like you are a weakling capable of handling nothing on your own.

Egads...I now know why I am becoming a hermit, and LIKING it! LOL

[Lorrette]

I've found that there are 3 kinds of people in the military support system. Those that mouthe the words, those that mean well but don't or can't do any thing, and those that you've known for most of your or your spouses career and will do something.
I've found these thing out of necessity since not only am I like ya'll, but I have some major health issues that I deal with while the husband is deployed or away at school.
I would love to be a hermit (okay, I'll admit it, I am one 75% of the time), but in those catastrophy moments, I know I can give a call to Top from the old company or the asst leader from the other company because we have history and we've helped them out before in the past too.
All the rest get a polite, thank you, but no.

It's a small military, and people come back. I love that.