Pick a Little, Talk a Little

Many people love a little gossip...it is a stereotype of large groups of (mostly) women that unfortunately seems to have a kernel of truth to it.  But there is a time and a place, I think.

One of the biggest complaints I hear about FRGs is that they turn into gossip factories.  One FRG I was in generally avoided this problem thanks to a strong start with a good leader, but there was one incident that troubled me.

We were sitting at a meeting and one of our regulars was not there--we'll call her Jane.  Someone asked where Jane was and someone made a veiled reference to Jane's character.  Jane is well intentioned, but somewhat lacking in social skills.

This was followed with another more obvious comment and then another.

Then I said, "I don't think this is the best time and place for this topic."

There was complete silence.

I felt really bad.  I don't know that this was the best way to stop the gossip...but I felt someone had to say something.  I worried that I came off like a snob--and it still bothers me to this day, but not as much as it would have bothered me if I had said nothing.

I am not saying I have never gossiped.  I am far from perfect and I am not always as charitable toward my fellow man as I should be.

I also think some people spoke up out of a genuine concern for Jane.  I just don't think FRG meetings should be a forum for discussing other members, no matter how well intentioned the discussion is.

Like I said, this FRG leader had generally done an excellent job about this and I think she may have been absent this meeting.  She repeated constantly that she will not put up with gossip and that if anyone has a genuine concern for another spouse, they should talk with that spouse directly or come to her with their concern.

Have you run into this problem? What did you or someone else do to address it? Is there any way to prevent it?

Comments

[Deanna]

I have run into this problem myself and it's really unfortunate that it happens. I know it isn't a very big thing to do but the last time I was in this particular situation and someone started talking about a person who wasn't there in a not so nice way, I kind of aired some of her dirty laundry as a comeback. The conversation pretty much died at that point. I think I got my point across and I haven't had any problems with this group since then. Unfortunetally I know that now I"m probably the one who is being talked about when I'm not around. So as good as it felt to put her in her place I wouldn't recommend doing it. But do try and turn the conversation to a different topic if in that situation. And if the problem persists definitally talk to the leader or someone in the group who has some influence and pull. But after my experience I would say above all be the bigger person, I wish I had followed my own advice :)

[just me]

I'm just curious but what does one do when they are the subj of discussion b/c they infrequently show up to meetings due to schedule conflicts. is there anything that person can do to stop it or is that issue like a runaway freight train? Part of the reason I dont attend even when I'm able to, is b/c of the strange looks I get and how everyone gets quiet when I enter. I don't fit the typical stereotype mold so I guess I'm often the topic of discussion. I'd love to be a fly on the wall sometimes to hear how far the untruths go. What a sad reality..

[Army D/W]

I would never hesitate to stop "gossip".
Hats off to those who find the words in those situations to say "can we get to the business at hand" and put a stop to the petty chitchat!

Yes, I do talk about other people~I am far from perfect~but there's a time and place. My "chatty Cathy ways" are expressed in a tight group of like minded peers, and never at an FRG meeting or military "social" setting.

I would NEVER tolerate anyone talking about another FRG group member, even if that person were there. An FRG is a place of business first and foremost, the I-man and I have always treated FRG Meetings as an extention of his command, FRG is afterall "the Commanders Program".

I have also always encouraged everyone to meet "after the meeting" at another location to chat. I've learned that publishing an adjenda for the meeting and "social venue" and providing it to the members before hand helps curb the "chatting" during the meetings that can sometimes get out of hand.

Let it be known I've also been called names for being "bossy" and "overbearing" because I expect people to treat eachother with respect and have run FRG meetings like; one Lt's wife said~a Training Meeting. I have always bought the first round at the "After Meeting" ;o)

I would much rather the "cattyness" be directed at me than anyone else~years in this "business" has made my skin pretty thick. I'd rather let the stones fly in my direction than loose a potential volunteer because of someone's careless and hurtful comments.

Wouldn't it be nice if our "spouses" sacrifices could be felt a little more at home? They fight for freedom, and we sometimes forget to afford that to eachother.

SOAP BOX!!!! Somebody push me down!!!!

[Army D/W]

Just Me: make your intentions clear, offer your assistance to the leadership in the ways that you are comfortable with, and be sure to wear a flashy color of lipstick when you can attend ;) I now have to wonder if you are a male spouse~teehee

Any leader worth their "salt" will appreciate any and all the help they can get. If they can't find it within themselves to find a place for your assistance there are OH SO MANY other places you can volunteer your time. Request the min. via e-mail and stay in the information loop but find something else to "do" on meeting nights if "they" won't play nice.

[Molly Pitcher]

Great points...

An agenda is helpful--and it is important to follow that agenda.

So is a firm start time.

One group I belong to has "social" and "food" between 6:30-7:00 and then the meeting itself starts promptly at 7pm.

I also think it is important to reiterate what you said about the Commander being in charge. I think if he sets the tone (as in meetings are for business--socials are for socializing) prior to deployment, it is easier for the volunteer leader to continue in that vein.

Some GREAT suggestions!

[Molly Pitcher]

Just Me--

That is a great question and I am not sure I have a good answer. Maybe someone else has some ideas?

First, I hope that you are still getting essential info even though you are unable to make the meetings.

About the meetings:

Do you know for sure they are talking about you? Or is it possible they get quiet for another reason--like they are just wondering who you are and are too shy/don't know enough to just introduce themselves? Long shot--but I figured I would ask.

Do you think it is mainly one person? Do you think the FRG leader and key volunteers participate in the gossiping?

If you think it is an isolated issue (one bad seed), you might just openly approach the leader with your concerns. If the leader is involved, maybe there is another regular who can help set a better tone.

If you know who is spreading rumors, you might just say, "I heard you were concerned about me; how sweet! In the future, if you are worried about me, you can just call me up. I may just tell you to mind your own business but it sure is kind of you to be looking out for me." But I'm sarcastic like that.

You have to go with what suits your personality. Me? I would just walk in and say something like "Whaddid I miss?" or "Whew, boy, is it dead in here. Someone just tell a bad joke? Hi, there, my name is..."

But that may not work for your comfort level.

[Army D/W]

The I-Man always signed off (even while deployed or "in the field") on meeting dates/activities/and the like, his name "Commander" was on all the FRG documents. My name was rarely seen and if listed always listed as FRG Volunteer Leader.

I really believe that leadership is key in any organization. They set the tone, set the pace and keep the peace. I've had volunteers quit because I've asked them (one on one) to stop a behavior (namely gossip about a spouse), and I've had them break into tears because the stress of their situation had them one edge and behaving badly. The Volunteer leadership has to be willing to take a personal interest and be open and fair....not unlike the person they represent.

In one case a Commander (above the I-Man a long long long time ago...when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
named his Volunteer FRG Leader then wanted to "wash his hands" of the "wife stuff". Nothing was in place and he was no where to be found to assist in building what needed to be done.

She quit because of all the back biting and snipe-ing, actually she was attacked by a pack of angry rabid dogs....or something very close to it. When he approached me to take her place I made clear that I would ASSIST HIM in running HIS FRG. He wasn't happy with that as he really wanted to "wash his hands" of the frilly "wife stuff", he got over it. I insisted on meeting with him before every meeting before the deployment and going over what his thoughts were on issues and programs.
I had to make clear several times that I was a VOLUNTEER representing him~but we worked past it.

It took a very long time to retrain the dog pack on how to behave at FRG meetings...some left and never came back, some were relieved by the "business" tone that was set. **Oh** At that FRG I asked the Commander to write a "mission statement" for the FRG. That was a HUGE help as many of the key volunteers had never been a part of an FRG~they thought it was akin to being the "popular girls" in Highschool.

I personally believe very strongly in keeping a big bold black line between Social and Business, doing and promoting both~but not trying to do them at the same time. There are so many people that I love working with that I'd rather not "hang" out with and vice versa~it make the JOB of FRG Leader much more clear to everyone if that line can be clear cut.

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