One Bite at a Time

In the comments, mrsmartin says something I'm sure we all can relate to, about a phone call with her husband:

well, we finally got to talk for like 17 minutes and in that time, all the stress, tiredness, and worry rolled into one and somehow instead of letting him make me feel better, i just didn't. since last night, i just can't seem to stop crying because i feel so bad for not being happy for him and angry that i can't make things a little less stressful right now.

Haven't we all done this?  The spouse calls from far, far away, and all our best intentions to be brave and strong dissolve in an instant.  I know I've been in this situation, because I documented it two weeks after my husband left:

Why is it that 15 minutes drags on like an eternity when things are slow here at work, but it passes in the blink of an eye when you get a call from Kuwait?
I'm so stupid; I cried on the phone. I haven't cried since the day he left, and I've been so good about being strong. I don't even know what happened, we were laughing about the camels crossing the road in front of his convoy and then I just lost it. And I wasted our time on the phone with my stupid tears and then his phone card ran out and we didn't even get to say goodbye.
I'm so mad at myself right now. How childish...

I remember feeling just awful that I had hurt my husband's morale.  I felt like I was being a drag on him.  But my dear friend Tim (some of you may remember Tim and CPT Patti from OIF I) had this to say:

Oh...and if I may say so - don't be so hard on yourself. When allowed in moderation - tears on the phone emerge on the other end as "Your place here is permanently reserved". That can mean a lot in a sandy camp on the border of Hellville.

Tim was right.  There are going to be times when you just don't feel like being upbeat.  We do the best we can to fake it, but sometimes we're not going to be convincing.  And we sure can't trick ourselves.  But it's OK to be grumpy for a day, as long as we are able to move on from it.

My dad gave me funny advice during the deployment.  One night on the phone he asked what I was doing. I said, "Nothing, just trying to cross another day of this year off my calendar." He came back with, "Well, it's just like eating an elephant: tackle it one bite at a time."  Some bites may be harder to take than others, but it sure is a proud moment when that durned elephant is eaten.

Comments

[LAW]

as I said to mrsmartin, I asked my husband if he minded me venting on him a bit. he said he would worry if I didn't. he knows that nothing is perfect, that we have a house, a dog, a cat, I have a stressful job, and a very long commute. for me to say, oh how lovely the day was...yeah, he'd know that it wasn't..

and I need his advice. we have been married 29 years in December, and he's my best friend. so I ask him for advice. why would I change that because he's deployed? I know that he doesn't need to be asked about the minutia.. but big decisions, yes. I have had some people tell me that they never tell their spouse anything negative. if that's how they have decided to get through a deployment, great. we just can't do that.

LAW

[tankerswife]

I understand and empathize completely. Althought I had been a military brat in one form or another my entire life, i had never been through a deployment. The first phone call, and I completely broke down. Although he admitted that he was surprised because I don't usually cry, he said it made him feel better. How weird right?! But he said that by letting him hear me cry, although unintentional, made it clear just how much I missed him and wanted him to return home safely.

[Aly]

Thank you for your story, mrsmartin. i usually feel the same way. i haven't cried much during our calls, but i do try to mask it when the tears do come. no more. thank you.

[Tossa]

when my hubby went on deployment for the first time in our entire relationship i was pregnant with our son. i know that i did not help him much but, the best moment was when he returned home one day before our son was born. this time i am dreading it b/c we now have 2 children. the only advice i can give is be strong and plan one heck of a welcome home party. that will make you feel better i hope. good luck.

[Kathy]

It is so wierd that I would come into the site to see what everyone is doing, and I just got off the phone with my DH, who is not overseas this time around, but with Operation Jumpstart on the Mexican border. He might as well be back over there, because we are still 1800 miles away from each other. I just got thru telling him thru sobs and tears that saying good nite, again, without him in my arms, was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. We have been apart due to deployments for the better part of the last 4 years, and they are saying he will be there til 2008. Tears help, they help you connect your feelings over a cold and impersonal telephone, and believe me, he feels you. good nite all, we are all like sisters, and I will name all of you in my prayers tonite, when me and my little girl, pray for our Airman, and all the other Airmen and soldiers, and sailors, to stay safe, and come home to us soon.