"Let"
October 12, 2006|
In the weeks since my husband opted to trade assignments and return to Iraq, we've had several people think we're certifiably insane. Here on SpouseBUZZ, we all laughed along with Navy Reservist/Cop Wife's comment on Andi's post about well-intentioned civilians who are shocked that we just "let" spouses deploy, but in my situation right now this question is valid. I have to keep explaining why my husband wants to go and why I'm letting him go. Few people so far have wrapped their heads around my answer.
I have a good friend from Sweden whom I've known for many years. She and I couldn't be more different in our views on society, politics, social issues, or patriotism, but through it all we've managed to keep a close friendship and a mutual respect. But of all the people who asked me how I can "let" my husband go, she's the one I've had the hardest time explaining it to.
You see, she means something totally different when she asks the question.
When most people ask you why you're "letting" your spouse deploy, they obviously are thinking about the dangers of deployment. We shouldn't "let" our spouses go because it means they might die. Few people come right out and say this, but it's always the hidden message behind their concern. We shouldn't "let" them go towards the danger. I can completely understand this concern.
However, my standard reply to why I "let" my husband switch jobs didn't satisfy my Swedish friend. The danger wasn't her main concern. My friend wanted to know how I could allow my life and my happiness to be dictated by what my husband does.
And that threw me completely off guard.
She wanted to know why I "let" the Army completely control my life. Shouldn't I get to do what I want to do? Given the choice, shouldn't I jump at the chance to have my husband right there by my side after a day of budget/comptrolling? Why would I dutifully stay home while he goes off to change the world? And how could living vicariously through his happiness make me happy?
Man, those were tough questions. My first thought was that she obviously has never been in love if she thinks that my husband's happiness and mine are mutually exclusive. My second thought was that, as a through-and-through multicultural European, she has no understanding of how I can put my country's needs above my own. And my third thought was, "Why haven't I ever thought of this before?"
We as spouses feel varying degrees of "oppression" put upon us by the military. I've met wives who completely resent the fact that they have to follow their (sneer) man around. I've met other wives who thrive in the military community and enjoy the lifestyle. Many of us treat the military with an in-goup/out-group mentality: it's OK for us to rag on Tricare and Finance here on SpouseBUZZ, but we'll immediately stick up for the military when someone outside of it gets too critical.
But my friend wasn't being critical. She really just didn't understand, and I'm afraid I stuttered and false-started and never really came up with a satisfying answer. I still don't have one.
Why do we "let" the military steer our lives?
Well my situation is a little diffrent then some. My husband joined after we were married for 4 years. So I look at it as the life we decided on. As far as the PCSing. I get bored easily so moving is OK with me. The deployments suck but while my husband was civilian there were alot of bad things about his job. He went 3 years withou a raise but increases in responsibilty. Forget getting off to take my kids to the doctors or go on a school trip. We get family days off before the only days he got off was Christmas and New Years if it fell during the week. He even worked Thanksgiving. I always say that the young guys who the military is their first job have no clue how good they have it sometimes. I don't know many jobs that you go to the gym on thier dime or the doctor or the dentisit and in some cases school.
To me deployments are a neccessary evil. We have to do them but that which does not kill us only makes us stronger. After a year apart there won't be anything we can't get through.
I have found that if I let go of what I can't control it makes life easier and happier. Yes we have orders to FL but I also know at any moment that could change. If you are prepared for life to change in a second it makes it easier to handle when it does and makes you appreciate things when they don;t change. Just my opinion though.
Posted by: Megan | 10/12/2006 at 12:36
I nor my husband have never been in the military, but I enjoy reading this blog and do so daily.
Your Swedish friend does ask the question that runs through my mind at times....you all seem so supportive of your husband and families and it's very positive to read your insights....but my question is this, what do your spouses do to support you?
I'm sure the answers to that are why you can be so giving to them and their careers.....like any marriage there is give and take.....but sometimes, as I read this site, it seems that the "at home" spouse must do all the giving. I'd enjoy hearing about some of the ways your spouse has shown their appreciation and/or reciprocated your willingness to adapt.
Posted by: Trudy | 10/12/2006 at 12:39
They way I look at it is not the the military is "dictating" my life. I look at it as a voluntary action. It would be the same as a woman whose husband was in the peace corp and they weren't. And anyone who is involved to a member understands to danger whether they are married or thinking of getting married. And something that others dont understand is that just because we are married we dont dictate their lives. grantd we arent innocent bystanders , but they have their own minds, opinions and lives. We are married to them, but we are not their entire life. But that is with and profession whether assembly worker or bussiness man. As long as the man in your life has a job, there is always a part that they have complete control over. They may ask you opinon but ultimatly they have the final decision. In the military, theymay not have complete control, but they are responsible for their decisions. We dont let they do anything. Thats like them saying they let us work, or they let us go to the movies. I agree with the comment that in any marriage there is give and take.. and at sometime the give on the spouses part may be more than that or the solider, but we agreed to that when we were married and if we were married before they joined we understood the risk of what was going on in the world. But the point is that for better or worse we are milspouses and no one really understands that until they are in our shoes.
Posted by: Marley | 10/12/2006 at 13:08
Trudy -- I can only speak for myself, and my thoughts my not be representative. I'd love others to jump in here too.
I think one reason it's easy for me to "give" or "support" is because I struggle with a small amount of guilt that my husband serves and I don't. He does all the hard work and sleeps in the sand with no a.c. and I don't really have to do much to 'earn' the respect a military family gets. I sleep in a bed. I work normal hours. And I get life insurance, health care, and rent money because my husband works hard. So in my guilt, I "give" my husband to our country in return for everything our country has given to me.
I also know that if I had truly deep down objected to his wanting to deploy, he wouldn't go. But I know how *alive* it makes him feel to do something he thinks is making a difference in the world, and I have a hard time denying him that simply because I'd like to sit and watch TV with him in the evenings. And he "rewards" me for my support by constantly reminding me how lucky he is to have me. He says it nearly every day, and I know he means it. We both are so lucky to have made such a perfect match in our relationship. "Letting" him deploy doesn't seem like a burden to me at all.
Posted by: Sarah | 10/12/2006 at 13:10
Sarah, have you been nosing around in my head?
You totally explained it well!
Trudy, I also think that, although my husband is the active duty member, the military is both of our jobs. Just in different ways. A pilot can't fly an airplane without the mechanic on the ground making sure it works and without the intel guy telling him where he needs to fly to. He won't get paid without the finance guy and he won't get to go see any cool morale shows without the guys at MWR. (or she, by the way).
In our house, I perform the support functions that allow my husband to do what he needs to do to be, as my son calls him, "Captain America" and go out and save the world.
It's an amazing thing to turn on the news and see things and KNOW that your spouse is the one responsible for them. And to know that, if it weren't for your support, he might not be able to do those things.
Posted by: airforcewife | 10/12/2006 at 16:18
Well said airforcewife - I second that!
Posted by: cindi_2570 | 10/12/2006 at 16:37
My husband and I have been married for over 14 years and we have been truly committed to one another and have made decisions collectively for the betterment of his career and the betterment of our family. There's been give and take. I don't feel forced to live this lifestyle. I honestly have grown to feel priveleged to do so. I'm not receiving a paycheck in my name from the U.S. government but I do feel that I am serving my country. And I'm honored to do so. And just to make it clear, I haven't always had this positive outlook or understanding about our lifestyle and all of it's challenges. But, after pcsing to an overseas assignemnt where there was no military base and a very limited American community,when the Iraq War began, I can tell you that I became an even more patriotic person and truly feel that there is a larger purpose to life than our own individual needs. I always felt "worldly" because I was raised in a very multi-cultural environment and had friends of many different races, ethnicities and nationalities but it wasn't until I lived in another country among the locals that I truly understood how great our country is and how I really would be willing to physically protect those freedoms and rights that we have here that so many take for granted. I guess I feel that I'm doing my part by supporting my husband and his mission...our country's mission. As I said before, when the Iraq war began, we were at a cushy overseas assignment and I can't tell you how much guilt we both felt and how we felt that we were letting the team down. From that day, my husband tried to find his way to Iraq. And, to the surprise of many, I encouraged him. I kept his spirits up telling him that he would eventually find his way there and to not give up. After 3 years, he found his way there and served for one year. He returned recently and I know that if given the opportunity, he would go back again. And, though many would think that I was nuts, I completely understand where he is coming from and I support him 100%. I guess what many civilians do not understand, is that our committment is to our husbands and the team. We want to know that we are pulling our weight and that we are contributing as equally as possible. Also, for all of the challenges and disappointments that can come along with military life, there are so many positives. I try to imagine the life that I would have had if my husband had not gone on active duty and I know I wouldn't be the same person that I am today. Maybe you can let your friend read some of our comments and perhaps she will get a better understanding of us and who we are as people. I can tell you with certainty that I do not feel that I'm letting my husband or the army dictate our lives. People make choices everyday...some minor and some major...but it's just different.
Posted by: Christina | 10/12/2006 at 16:41
Having a husband in the Guard has been an adjustment for someone like me who seriously has a five year plan for her five year plan. Most of the time I would say that I don't let the lack of control I have over our schedule get me down, but there are days when I just walk around feeling very put upon. I just have to remind myself that's it's how I choose to meet those feelings; I have to take charge of how I react. Doesn't that sound mature!? Sometimes, I am. Other times, not so much.
I haven't missed one military ball, family day thingy or other 'command' function Hubs has had to attend. However, if I go to things for school or the kids' school, I more than likely go alone because it NEVER fails that he's at drill. Most of the time, I can laugh at that, but sometimes I allow myself a good cry.
Overall, I am so proud of him, it outweighs the icky feelings, but I'm not a superhero. Sometimes, the negative feelings do get the better of me.
Posted by: Guard Wife | 10/12/2006 at 19:40
I've only been involved in the military lifestyle for a little over a year. I met my husband online, although he lived very near me. If I had realized he was a soldier when I read his profile, I would NEVER have contacted him. I did NOT want to be a military wife, have my life "dictated" by the army, etc. I was military-phobic.
Then I met my husband. At 27 years old with a computer engineering degree, he sold his successful business and possessions, and with his 3 year old daughter's permission, joined the Army. For a while after 9/11 he said he couldn't join because he was a father, had employees who depended on him, etc. After a couple of years, he could not let other able men with families do a job that he could do as well.
I met him a year and a half into his service. We are undoubtedly each other's match. And the way I look at it, I chose to join the Army the day I decided I wanted to spend my life with him. That was MY choice, just as it was HIS choice to join. So now we make our sacrifices--he is currently in South Korea while I am on the East Coast of the US. OUR lives are "directed" by the Army, but it's something that WE chose. We know that there's more to life than making a buck, we know that we need to give back, that we need to contribute to our society, our country, our earth. And we do.
His sacrifices are more physical than mine--what with the sleeping in the mud and freezing in the field and putting his life in danger. Mine aren't nearly that bad--I have a mouse in a pantry that I have to catch, I get lonely sometimes and I could use a back massage. I support him by sending him packages (which are SOMETIMES delivered) and by letting him know what's going on back here. He supports me by helping me sort out household problems, paying for that back massage I need (I'm 8 months pregnant) and more than anything else, talking and listening.
We're a team. We're in this together. In any successful team, the partners have different roles. If we get bogged down by "is he giving as much as me?" then the team falls apart. Both of us does our job, we make every decision that's within our control together, and letting the Army dictate our life is our choice. Together.
And it's worth it.
Posted by: Sis B | 10/12/2006 at 20:18
Such great comments from everyone! Thanks for all your insight.
Posted by: Sarah | 10/12/2006 at 21:51
Okay, Sarah have you been spying on me?....
I too have a close long term friend whose political and social views are nearly opposite mine. Bad thing is she is American and her political party is not the same as mine, need I say more. She has asked me this question more frequently now that my husband has just gone on his 2nd deployment in three years and we have a three year old girl whose Daddy is away again; How could I let her Dad go back?
My husband and I have had many many conversations about this happiness thing. We wrestled with it during the first deployment, his year at home and during the difficult decision made regarding his return for round two.
In a marriage there are two people, if one person is unhappy, whether it be in career, family life, social life, etc. it can and will have a devastating affect on the marriage. In a marriage you make a committment to support one another. Sometimes I need the support and sometimes my husband does. He gave me the best example ever and of course, it relates to the military. When the guys are out there on a ten mile hump or on a battleground if one of them needs support, either their hurt or can't make it, the rest of the team support him, things like carrying a pack, pushing him on a run, keeping his head straight, etc.
I look at things this way, I am home carrying the 'pack' that is my husband's homefront responsibilities and supporting him because his happiness depends on fulfilling a call of duty. Managing the house, kids, dog, laundry, bills etc, those are small things compared to a person's search for true meaning and happiness in life. I know someday if I need support of such great magnitude my husband will be there to carry my pack and support me.
The old adage that absence make the heart grow fonder is true. If you love someone you truly want them to find their happiness. You can manage and get used to coping on your own. You must tap into those feelings of desire and companionship that you have to stow away for a while, but know that it's temporary.
The most important things in life are love and happiness for if you have those, you have it all.
Posted by: melissa | 10/12/2006 at 22:30
Ladies, thank you so much for sharing your hearts and thoughts on this subject.
I am the wife of a first deployment Guardsman and its been a little rough.
I must say that I have gained a different perspective after reading what you have written, and I thank you for that.
The next several months of my life and my beloved husband's life will be what we make of them, not what the Army makes of them.
Cindy
Posted by: MedicWife | 10/12/2006 at 23:18
It's always been the few that do for the many, and not just since our country came into being. My family has served in the military as far back as we can trace it, the reason? Because it takes a special and caring person to put the needs and wants of others in need, ahead of their own, this is why our spouses serve, and us right along with them. As for your friend from Sweden, maybe you should remind her that the reason HER spouse isn't out fighting for her saftey is because since WW I Americans have done so, completely since WW II. Any job tells you when and where you have to work, even sending your spouse around the world with out you. I have a friend that does special lighting effects for concerts and he is away from home far more than my husband is, even though he's in a section that deploys more than any other. Let them say what they want, but sometimes you need to remind them that the only reason that they can do so, including putting us or our spouses down, is because our military spouse is risking all, not only for us but them also, no one can speak against a dictator. Proud Army milspouse, you better believe it.
Posted by: Patricia | 10/13/2006 at 00:57
Trudy! What a great question! One every marriage has to answer, not just military marriages. So, as I sit here in the dark, mulling over your question, while my husband is at work and the kids are asleep, I thought I'd answer it. I need to write quickly, peace and quiet may not last long!
First and foremost, I get his complete and undying love. We've been married for almost 15 years and I love him more now than the day I married him. His steady love never ceases to amaze me! The trials and tribulations we've been through frighten and confound me (for us, the biggie was a child with stage IV cancer and all the resulting medical issues), but I've always been able to count on his love and support. It's a great feeling to know that someone out there in this crazy world loves you...despite all those flaws you really should work on expunging! But chocolate is too near and dear to my heart!
Secondly, he gives me respect. He is one of the most honest and intelligent men I've ever met. I truly seek his respect and am honored to have it. He doesn't give it often and bestows it somewhat grudgingly. The fact that he does respect me absolutely thrills me! I see many marriages that lack respect and it truly is a sad thing. He, by the way, has my respect as well! Not just for the job he does, but for the person he is and the husband/father he strives to be!
Thirdly, he gives me the the joy of a life-long friend. Someone with whom I may not share every opinion, but I share a multitude of memories and fun! Who else would I rather see the world with than my best friend? There is nothing that gives me greater thrills than his laughter and smile. When he's TDY somewhere, I really miss his smile and I absolutely love it when I hear him laugh!
Golly; love, respect and friendship! What more could I ask of any man in a marriage! This is how my husband supports me! I hope my love, respect and friendship support him as much!
Posted by: GBear | 10/13/2006 at 07:49
Okay, since no one else has stated the most obvious reason...
Also, they're the sexiest guys alive in their uniforms and you want everyone to see you with them and know that hunky creature is YOURS.
There. Now it's out in the open.
Posted by: airforcewife | 10/13/2006 at 10:52
i second that, afw!
Posted by: Sis B | 10/13/2006 at 19:33
well...."Let".. I did let my husband go as well.. He volunteered, the only one among his entire combined unit (his unit from Vermont only about 80-combined with Arkansas and Indiana-now a wopping 500+)...So I let him go.. Why...Because he couldn't stand the idea of letting his fellow guys go without him.. You see, he is the recruiter-the oh-so-protected-never-to-be-deployed-doesn't have to move-soldier.. he always told me how unsoldierlike he felt.. So I let him go.. I let him be with his guys... And do I regret it?? He has been gone for almost 3 months with more than 1 year left. Do I regret it? I ask myself this question every single day..More then once a day.. I hate him being gone, and there are so many days when I wish that I could take my passive approach to him asking if he could go, and flip it.. Respond with-honey, why would you want to leave me? But I can't do that to him.. I need to make him feel like what he is doing is making both of us happy.. And you know what-me "letting" him go, has truly showed me just how much of a hero he truly is. He tells me when I get to talk to him that I am his hero, but you know what, "letting" our soldiers be soldiers, is just letting them be the men and women that they are destined to be. Strong, brave, proud.
Posted by: Recruiter wife | 10/13/2006 at 21:15
It's so sad but I'm happy to hear that other people have heard this garbage as well. My husband is in the Guard so I thought it was just the area we live in. We're a been there done that family. We met when we were both active duty, did his unacompanied tour in Korea while I was pregnant with our first child so I asked him to get out and join the Guard. He's done more deployments in the guard then he did on 4 years of active duty. Every deployment he volunteered for. Every deployment we've had a baby(we now have 4). Do I let him go? Yes. Do I want him to go? Of course not. Our marriage is a marriage, not a prison camp. He needs to do this for some reason and I need him(and his HOT butt). My husband would NEVER be happy sitting behind a desk all day and I want him to be happy. As does he want me to be happy. I can't be exactly happy when he's gone but when he's home he does what he can to make me happy. I think that's a good enough reason for myself so that's all I need. As far as living for the military I'm lucky that I don't have to. We were able to keep his civilian health insurance so I don't have to put up with Tricare. That will put a smile on any military wife!
Posted by: Armyof6 | 10/13/2006 at 21:59
My husband is currently deployed. He was supposed to be in Iraq. Well, 4 months ago, they needed volunteers to go into Afghanistan to a high-threat location as part of a reconstuction effort. We both understood the danger. He has a big heart and a strong desire to help, so against my better judgment, he volunteered to go. I may not like it and I may have not "let" him go (like I had a choice 1/2 way around the world into his decision anyway), but I respected his decision and continue to support him completely.
I'm so proud of my husband for choosing a job that protects us from the bad guys and as well helps to rebuild countries that have nothing more than the shirts off their backs, if that.
Anytime I've ever questioned why we are here and why my husband chose this career, I remind myself of the bigger picture. We have 2 kids in a world where love of country is questioned daily. Our children are our future and without love and loyalty to this country, well, I don't even want to go there.
So, I feel we are doing our part as well as teaching our children love of country and how to defend it for our future's sake. I can't think of a better way to accomplish that than to be a part of serving this country and instilling it in our children. What my husband does here and abroad and what our family sacrifices so that he can go do his job, is well worth it.
Thank God for the men and women who put their lives on the line for our freedom and the families who support them!
Posted by: cindi_2570 | 10/13/2006 at 22:39
I have a real problem with this term "letting" ... excuse me, I'm an adult, so is he. Hell, we are grandparents! LET??? He doesn't "LET" me do something, and I don't "LET" him do something.. we discuss things, we may not agree all the time, but we realize that the other is a thinking, breathing over 10 year old person, and has free will. So this "how do you 'let' someone do whatever" is offensive. We once had a 1st Sgt ask my husband why I did .... whatever it was, and couldn't he control me. At that point, my husband said, ok, you tell her, but I'd duck when I said it if I were you....
I am so sick of people attempting to control me or assume they know just what I think or feel, just because I'm an Army Wife!!! I don't wear the uniform. Anyone else remember the drill we used to do at the first Wives Club meeting of the year? (c'mon, you more senior wives... you remember) the Col would tell you to line up according to rank and after watching the idiocy of a group of wives shoving each other and asking "what's his date of rank" would bark out... YOU HAVE NO RANK! you are family members/wives/dependants... (depends on which decade I am remembering....). [whether that applied to HIS wife... well that was always a bit of a question]
So just because HE wears a uniform, it doesn't follow that WE all think alike, do everything alike, agree with all that the higher ups say..
sorry, getting off the soap box now... this is just one of the biggest gripes I have.
LAW
Posted by: LAW | 10/15/2006 at 16:27
LAW "you go girlfriend".
The day the I-man "Let's" me do something...we'll be in divorce court the next.
I didn't LET him stay past 20~we both agreed on a plan. I didn't dance in the streets at that decission but am oh so very proud to wear my T-shirt that says (in case you didn't see last months post "My husband is defending our Freedom. What do you do?"
I'd be hard pressed not to ask someone who felt the need to question why I "let" the I-man do something with "so why on earth do you LET your husband wear those stupid pants".
My I-man stands 6ft7inches if you've seen him you can't forget him..."let"? I'm pretty tall but "let"? him? I'll pass on that one.
Support. I support him. I lend the emotional support and love he needs to do what he believes so strongly in.
The End.
my nose bleed is out of control LAW~and I'll blame this one on you girlfriend ;)
Posted by: Army D/W | 10/18/2006 at 01:54
I'm not letting my husband stay in the navy, and he's not letting me be lonely. :)
Posted by: emily | 11/21/2006 at 12:36
Glad we all agree. Lol. I consider myself pretty understanding in the "let" area. Since I am prior service and only got out because they said I had to (injury), I know how it feels to want to do more and to support your fellow soldiers. That is one of the reasons I fell in love with him, so how could I fault him for it now? He is a two-time combat veteran (proud Army Infantry). We are currently in VA taking a break for two years. He has a desk job(Operation NCO). He gave me that so we could work on a family. Now he wants to go Drill before it's too late. His CO asked if he was sure and asked if I knew I wouldn't see him much for the next to years if he did. I could only smile. Hmm....away in the BCT barracks for 2 years, or, away in the sand for 1 1/2? Easy choice. At least he will be safe! And when he is done with Drill and goes back to the line unit...he will surely deploy again. But he would be safe for two more years, doing something he loves(leading soldiers). Bottom line, we don't "let" the military dictate us, nor do we"let" our husbands deploy. They made the choice to do what the military needs, and we made the choice to support them. Big difference. For non-military spouses, if the husband had a high paying executive career that caused him to travel alot, no one would say "why do you let him". Our soldiers are payed with pride. We are payed with it too. Everytime you go somewhere in uniform and a child says "thank you for what you do" it's worth it. Everytime they come home safe and bring their men home safe, it's worth it. If your spouse isn't happy, you won't be for long either.
Posted by: drumdoc01 | 01/04/2007 at 18:48