From the Mailbag

This week, SpouseBUZZ received an email from a military spouse which read, in part:

Okay, I'm new to the spouse blog, so I'm still learning about the site. I think it's a great idea, since military wives (or husbands) have similar worries and problems. One thing I would like to hear about from other spouses is their take on all those irriating people who run down our military.

I'm so frustrated by these types of people.  Instead of " thank you for making the world safe" we hear , "your husband's a child-killer or a murder".  If they can't say anything nice or disagree why can't they just be quiet. This is a topic that I'm sure most wives (or husbands) have had to deal with.  So maybe someone has some good advice on how to deal with this.  I'd appreciate it if you would make it a topic for further discussion.

I've had two such run-ins with these types of people, and it's difficult to remain composed, especially when your husband is deployed and in harm's way. However, as fired up as I may be internally, I've found that external composure and mild temperament when addressing this type of incident works best for me.

First, let me say that I strongly dislike the term "anti-war." Nobody is more anti-war than a military spouse. We do, after all, have the most to lose. Like the phrase or not, that's how the lines have been drawn.

While my husband was deployed, I happened to be somewhere where I was carrying a non-controversial sign which read, "Proud Army Wife." An anti-war type noticed my sign, came over and said, "I hope your husband is safe." Knowing this individual's history and his beliefs, I wasn't convinced at all that he cared about my husband's safety. I looked at him and simply said, "he's keeping you safe" and walked off.

On another occasion, I was attending a non-political "Support Our Troops" event. An event which hosted about fifty Gold-Star family members. Some anarchists tried to crash the event. Once again, I was holding my non-political "Proud Army Wife" sign and wearing my "Our Family Supports Our Soldier" button. The anarchists began shouting at me.

Your husband is brainwashed, your husband is fighting for a lie.

They also chanted:

Thou shalt not kill.

We love our country too.

It's not easy to deal with these people when you know how much is at stake for your spouse and your family. Some of these people are downright cruel.

I feel the need to point out something that you've probably noticed, SpouseBUZZ does not address politics. Military spouses come from all ends of the political spectrum. SpouseBUZZ is here to support ALL military spouses regardless of political affiliation. Although the so-called anti-war crowd is generally thought to be leftist, I'm quite sure that military spouses who lean left would be the first to knock down those who denigrade our servicemembers and their families.

People who spew hateful rhetoric and label our troops as "killers" have no idea what they are talking about, and they have no idea how hurtful their ignorance can be to military families.

Back to the original email, have you had any encounters with people who "run down our military?" If so, how did you handle it?

Lastly, thanks for all the email and suggestions. If there's a topic you would like us to address, let us know. This blog belongs to you, and we want to hear what's on your mind.

Comments

[Joan D'Arc]

I have also experienced the negative attitudes of people who just don't get it. I was in line at the checkout one day and two people were talking behind me about the war and the fact that Bush was an idiot for sending our troops to war, etc, etc. When I had heard enough bickering (about the war in general and the fact that our troops are becoming murderers, etc), I turned and said, "Would you rather the war was fought in Iraq and Afghanistan, or would you like it to be in your back yard?" I turned around and the people behind me were silent (at least until I was done in the check-out line). I'm not sure what the impact of my statement was, but I stayed composed and simply asked the people a question. I usually ignore people when they are ranting about the war, but I had a gut feeling it was time for me to say SOMEthing.

[airforcewife]

It's thou shalt not MURDER! At least get translations straight if you are operating under the assumption you know more than someone else! The mistranslation is like calling a burp, vomit.

At least that's what I'd love to say to them. And have had the opportunity to say once.

I seem to attract this kind of stuff and weird stuff in general. We had a swastika scratched on our car. A woman in the Wal Mart dressing rooms felt she should give me the "facts" while hubby was deployed to Iraq. We had a public school teacher tell us our military lifestyle was "abusive" (a big reason we homeschool now). Several other things.

My response when there is no way to avoid confrontation gracefully is this, "Well, we're risking it all. What are YOU doing besides carrying a sign on weekends and enjoying the freedom my husband fights for?"

You can't walk away with friends when you say that, but it usually stops the attacks dead.

[dizzylizzie]

my problem with "those people" is its my OWN FRIGGIN' FAMILY. i got into a shouting match with my aunt last time we were home. after i had obviously 'won' the argument she proceeded to call me 'stupid' and 'naive' and a 'warmonger'. well in hindsight, maybe it was a bit overkill to finish our "debate" with "IF I WERE KING (er..i should have said queen but it came out king) I WOULD HAVE JUST NUKED THE WHOLE FRIGGIN' PLACE LONG AGO, GIVING NEW MEANING TO THE PHRASE HANDBLOWN GLASS!" which ok, i admit, really was uncalled for. at this point she got redfaced and screamed back "BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?!?" i coulda choked her i swear. so i fired back "OH YOU MEAN THE ONES WITH THE AK-47'S IN THEIR BACKPACKS, SHOOTING AT OUR HUSBANDS? THOSE CHILDREN? OR THE ONES THAT THROW ROCKS AT THE CONVOYS MY HUSBAND IS DRIVING? OR PERHAPS YOU MEANT THE ONES THAT LEAD OUR GUYS WITH BAD INTEL OR SOME BULLSHIT STORY, STRAIGHT INTO AN AMBUSH?"
well she didnt have much to say after that and left the room in a huff, grumbling about how she couldnt believe i was actually that retarded.
maybe i am, maybe i'm not but i'll be damned if my own family is gonna trash my military family while i just sit there and say nothing.

[Bette]

I've only had one negative run-in, and I'm ashamed to say I didn't handle it well. Next time I'll be more prepared and more composed (I hope!).

http://liveforart.blogspot.com/2006/05/uncivil-protection.html

On a brighter note, my family and friends -- who are all over the place politically, but skew liberal overall -- have been extremely and sincerely supportive. Even if they don't think war was the right option, they appreciate and admire what my soldier and others are doing.

[Andi]

Bette - I too have family members and friends on all sides of the political spectrum, and each of them are incredibly supportive of military members and their family.

Unlike the nasty individuals who publicly taunt and harass our military, the people I know who are opposed to the war have always been respectful and appreciative of the sacrifices that military members and their familes make in order to serve their country.

[April]

Well, I'm glad to know that I'm not alone when it comes to people being insulting. Don't get me wrong, there are those who are greatful, but it just makes me sooooo mad when I see those insulting "anti-everything" people on tv and even down at the courthouse having their stupid little bash-the-military parties, which by the way, the only reason they can have those parties are because our veterans fought and died to give them those rights. It really angers me, expecially when they bash the vets, they earned their respect, those anti-everything people should just shut up. I wish we had an overseas program we could just ship the insulting people off and let them see what our people go through and what would happen if someone (our husbands.. and wives) didn't stand up to the bad guys. People can be so called "anti-war" all they want but there is a time and a place for everything. And I'd like to point out that the US tried to stay out of the overseas problems back before world war 2 and it got us Pearl Harbor. So staying out doesn't always work, sometimes a country does have to make a stand. We hope and pray war never happens but if it does we stand by our men and women. Those anti people need to realize that just because they think war is bad, it doesn't mean that the men and women doing the fighting are bad. They are told to protect freedoms and that is what they do. They aren't murders or childkiller or anything else. They are moms and dads, brothers and sisters, sons and daughters, who protect the people they love. And as for the tales of abuse during wars. What the other side does to our troops is much much worse. And I believe that they are random acts of stupidness by small groups of soldiers. Not everyone over there takes part in that. But no matter what we say, we'll never change the anti-everything peoples' minds. At least our support can keep our soldiers (and our beloved spouses) going. And may God bless them all for all that they've done and will do so that we can live in peace with so many freedoms.
As for me blowing up and name calling is just as bad as what they do to us. So I just say, "Well my husband fights so that you and others like you can say the nasty things that you say." It usually shuts them up and other people standing nearby usually will then speak up in agreement with me.

[Sarah]

We have a good friend who was seriously injured in Mosul in 2004 and who went through numerous surgeries to repair the damage to his torso. All he wanted to do was be cleared to stay in the Army. When I mentioned it to a co-worker, that I thought it was really admirable that he wanted to return to Iraq and continue his service, she said he must be really brainwashed, that he wasn't "fighting for his country" but for lies, and that someday I would see just how brainwashed people like my husband really are. I had to leave the office I was so disgusted...and I was working on post! I couldn't believe someone would say that to my face, completely unprovoked. I'm proud of our friend for standing up for what he believes in; if someone disagrees, she can politely nod and keep her opinions to herself, like I did every time she started raving about Fahrenheit 911 at work. Some people are just so tacky.

[LAW]

OK. here goes. I'm a Liberal. I didn't believe we should go and I don't agree with most of what this administration is doing. But there ARE those who understand that you can be supportive of the troops and still hate the war. Honest. I have lots of friends who do understand that.

To show that there are two sides here, I have some bumpers stickers on my car, one says 1/2 my heart etc.. the other is about a village in TX missing it's idiot. I had a rightwing whackjob get out of his car and scream at me that I was some sort of traitor. Now I did ask him HOW he knew which idiot in TX I was talking about... that logic escaped him. He continued to scream nasty things at me. I finally told him to look at the other sticker. He stopped and asked me what that meant. I told him, my husband is there. and I support him and his troops completely. What was HE doing? he said... like what can I do. I told him that I bake 300 cookies every weekend, and send to 5 different people. He can do soemthing like that, or volunteer at the VA Hospital or something. but to take a hike and quit bothering me. He looked quite ashamed as he walked away.

I'm not saying that all Liberals understand, and yes, some will say some incredibly stupid things. Please realize, this war is very polarizing and very painful. I am a very proud military wife, have been for over 20 years, (11 active, and the rest in Guard)I support my husband completely, supported my son and daughter in law when they were in. So please, realize that we Liberals aren't all stupid, insensitive jackasses, just as I realize not all conservatives are moronic jackasses.

LAW (stands for Liberal Army Wife!)

[Molly Pitcher]

I just ignore them...unless I am feeling particularly witty that day.

There are people like that everywhere.

When I was a teacher, some idiot who probably had less education (and less of a "designer name" on her diploma than mine bears) refered to me as a "glorified babysitter" when she thought I was out of earshot. I could have lectured about the education system, explained the work I did, or made a smart remark about my education...but I just ignored it.

The problem isn't civilians, or politics, or fill-in the blank...it is just that there are stupid, hateful people who feel the need to say stupid, hateful things. Unless you are in a missionary mood, they are best left to their own ignorance and hate.

Today you may be hurt...but tomorrow you'll feel better and they will still be jackasses.

[Andi]

LAW - Your story is a perfect example of people spouting off at the mouth without any knowledge of who they are talking to. It sounds like you gave better than you got - good for you!

It doesn't matter if you're a liberal or a conservative here at SpouseBUZZ, the only thing that matters is that you are a spouse. We're all in the same boat.

[Marine Wife]

I really enjoyed everyones posts. I am a new military wife. I probably overreact when people say negative things about the Military. For instance, when we had cable installers over to put in cable they kept telling me how stupid President Bush was and that we need to just nuke the whole Middle east. I was like do you realize you have stepped foot into a military home on a Marine base. What are you doing to keep America safe? They had a lot of nerve to come into my home and tell me what the military "should" be doing.

Then I was in the store the other day and I was wearing a USMC shirt. The Bagger asked if I was stealing my husbands money?? WHAT?! I asked him if that was supposed to be a joke but he responded with "no ma'am my dad is retired from the Marines".
Maybe I overeacted.
I think sometimes you react before you think about what to say. I will always defend the Military.

[Marine Wife]

I really enjoyed everyones posts. I am a new military wife. I probably overreact when people say negative things about the Military. For instance, when we had cable installers over to put in cable they kept telling me how stupid President Bush was and that we need to just nuke the whole Middle east. I was like do you realize you have stepped foot into a military home on a Marine base. What are you doing to keep America safe? They had a lot of nerve to come into my home and tell me what the military "should" be doing.

Then I was in the store the other day and I was wearing a USMC shirt. The Bagger asked if I was stealing my husbands money?? WHAT?! I asked him if that was supposed to be a joke but he responded with "no ma'am my dad is retired from the Marines".
Maybe I overeacted.
I think sometimes you react before you think about what to say. I will always defend the Military.

[April]

Regardless of what people think about the war, wheither they support it or think it's stupid, they should NEVER say anything bad about our military people. Often enough our military does as they are told and if that means fighting a war that's what they do. They aren't the cowards that hide back in the states with anti-war signs. If they think the war is wrong, then fine that's their right to have an opnion. But when they bring my husband and the other military personal into it that's where they've gone to far. I get so mad when someone downs our troops in front of me. I can't help but say something witty back. I
will say one thing, people will say something jerkish to me when it's just me and the kids about how crappy my husband and his fellow navy guys are cuz the are military, but no one has ever said anything to his face about it. I guess that not only are they anti-war losers who get their kicks terriorizing cornered military wives but that would also make them cowards.
As for the new military wives dealing with insults for the first time, just remember, it's your love and support that keeps your man going. It doesn't matter what others say and think. Just stick to your beliefs and proudly support your man! (Or for those husbands, your wives).

[Emily]

I am an anti-military wife, and I think it's possible to support your husband while hating your president and your country. I don't support my husband being in the navy, but he's trying to get out. I just think it's possible.