Dysfunctional FRGs

We all know they exist...dysfunctional FRGs.  Some military spouses have been cursed with a whole string of them.  To read online, you might think every FRG is a failure.  That may be due to the fact that those who flee these nightmare FRGs often end up on the Internet, searching for the support they are missing.

What can you do to fix them?

What can you do if they can't be fixed?

I agree that the military should look at ways to fix them (I'll post some suggestions on that next week).  I know that members can't always fix them, too.  These are just some suggestions.  I hope you will consider trying them and adding some of your own ideas.

When I wrote a post about my experience starting up an FRG for a group of geographically dispersed family members, I wanted to hear about the frustrations of those who are not close to post and encourage others to offer suggestions for these isolated spouses.

One of the responses prompted me to write this post about on post FRGs that are not working.

We have all been part of one or at least heard about them--the broken phone trees; the boring, poorly attended meetings (or worse, no meetings at all); and those spouses who wear their soldiers' rank.  Ick.

The way I see it, you have some options...and I'm not saying any of these is any better than the others.  You can either:

1. Forget about it. Pros: Don't waste any more time on a lost cause; Cons: You still don't have the support you need.
2. Use other post resources: volunteer with ACS (or your branch equivalent), call your paid Brigade Assistant if you have one and get on the e-mail list, join a Deployment Support Group. Pros: You have some local military support; Cons: You don't have unit-based support.
3. Forget about it and find support elsewhere: online discussion boards, family, off-post friends, Meetup, etc. Pros: You meet awesome people like the ones on SpouseBuzz; Cons: You may not have anyone nearby to laugh with and cry with...and if you do meet local people online, please be careful to have your first meetings in public!!!
4. Gather up a group of other likeminded spouses and do your own thing. Find other spouses in the unit through the FRG meetings and your soldier who feel the way you do.  Invite them over for snacks once a month and laugh and cry together.  Pros: You have the support network you wanted; Cons: Time, effort, money.
5. Try to fix it.

I'm not going to go into detail here about how an FRG leader can fix the FRG (though if you want a post like that, let me know); there are some great sites that have advice on that.

What I'm talking about in #4 is how members can help make their FRG what they want it to be.

• Make contact: So many spouses seem to think that when their soldier is assigned to a unit, the FRG gets a printout of their names, numbers, and vital stats. Guess what?  Does not happen.  The FRG can't get in touch with you if they do not know you exist.
• Show up: It can be very disheartening to plan a great meeting and have no one attend.  After that it is tempting to go back to bare bones.
• Speak up:  Yes, I know you tried.  However, FRG leaders are human.  We have bad days just like everyone else.  Maybe you caught yours at a bad moment.  Maybe he or she felt on the defensive.  Ask if you can sit down for coffee one day.  Bring up your concerns in terms of what you would like to see happen.  Try not to be confrontational.  Instead of saying, "How hard is it to check on people with a phone call?" Try, "I think it would be a great morale boost if everyone got a phone call once a month..."  I know it is frustrating to not get the support you need, but remember your FRG leader is an unpaid volunteer, who may or may not have been guilted into this position. A little kindness can go a long way.
• Volunteer: When you speak up, be ready to put your time where your mouth is.  Nothing bugs me more than someone who has a thousand and one great ideas but expects me to do all the leg work.  As in the above example, you could follow through with saying, "I can call 10 people a month.  This month I can also help you call everyone to see if we can get some other key callers.
• Provide Alternatives: Maybe the leader has turned down your volunteering with the main efforts (meetings and phone lists) but would accept your help on the website or newsletter or with hosting a social.  This way you are not interfering with whatever the FRG leader is doing; just providing an additional option to people.
• Be Realistic: Only offer help you can provide and realize that every meeting, speaker, newsletter, and social takes time.  Forms have to be filed, phone calls made, requests filled-out, rooms scheduled, etc.  Try to identify the most important issue and concentrate on one thing at a time.
• As a second to last resort, speak up louder: Offer your assistance directly to the commander; it is his FRG.  Don't rag on the current leader, just offer to help.
• As a last resort, go up the chain: If your company FRG is dysfunctional, see if there are Battalion-level meetings you can attend.  This deployment, some of the companies were having trouble getting and keeping leaders.  So, we started hosting meetings on a Battalion level to make sure everyone was getting what they needed.  Check to see if you have a paid Brigade Assistant.  Get on the e-mail list so you at least get information, if nothing else.

If all else fails, see numbers one, two, and three, and four. 

Comments

[RedLegMeg]

Great post! Your suggestions are realistic and I like how you offered both pros and cons to actions one might take when they have a dysfunctional FRG. Thanks!

[LAW]

well, I am not in an On Post FRG, this is a scattered group of National Guard parents, mothers,etc. After beating my head against the wall for 3 solid months, offering to help, offering to do, practically begging to have a response of any kind at all, I ended up writing her. and she turned around, told her senior NCO husband to "talk to" my husband. outranking him, my husband basically told him to stop, that home problems with the FRG should stay there, he wasn't playing that game. he was then told, you aren't really in this unit anymore, so your wife should just leave. he's been in that unit since 1992. nice to have your military family yanked out from under you by a supposed friend whilst sitting in the sand.

I wish I could have fixed it, I really do. I am getting my information from other FRGs, one who decided that she would gather the orphans, and made us feel welcome and informed. The difference is staggering! We also have a great side group which is busy doing things.

When we do another deployment (this time in the Active Army), I am looking for a good FRG, that I can help, and work with.

LAW

[Molly Pitcher]

LAW--That is a great solution if it can't be fixed.

My FRG leader and one from another company and I decided to hold Battalion level meetings so the other companies (which were having trouble finding leaders who were ready, willing, and able) could have some info. Basically we "adopted" these others.

Thanks for adding that idea.

[Margaret Mann]

To save an FRG or not to save the FRG?

What a loaded question. I can honestly say that since my husband’s deployment is over I am no longer active in the FRG. I dealt with a dysfunctional FRG. It started with my husband taking command. The unit felt the FRG was there to schedule the annual, adult, Christmas party (adult meaning alcohol – which is of course not supposed to happen). When my husband told them alcohol would not be allowed the current ‘officers’ basically cussed him out. He asked me to come in and try and help make the FRG what it was supposed to be. I tried many of the things mentioned in this blog. But you know what – if you are an outsider, if you are not in their cliché – you’re screwed!

Theoretically everything mentioned in the blog should work. But we do not live in a theoretical world. I am in a professional career, and I honestly say I was not completely prepared for the attitude I received from FRG when I first started. Did it ever get turned around – kinda of. With a deployment to Iraq – it had to get itself together. And then of course the soldiers were pulled from several other units; so instead of just one FRG – there were five – including me coordinating (or trying to) a few things.

Unfortunately what happened to RedLegMeg can be more common then what most people want to believe. The best advice is to find another FRG, or do the internet chat line, or such. There are also churches that will help along with the VFW, and the American Legion. Don’t forget these last two – they made our homecoming really special!!!

For all those dealing with a deployment and a dysfunctional FRG – hang in there! Keep your head held high. There is support out there for you!

[Molly Pitcher]

For those in Margaret's position, check out those sites that are geared towards FRG leaders...my suggestions were more for members who fin themselves in dysfunctional FRG's.

Also, Army D/W had a great comment about how she tamed "the dog pack": http://www.spousebuzz.com/blog/2006/10/pick_a_little_t.html#comment-24279273

I'll try to work on a post geared more towards leaders.

Of course, some situations cannot be fixed (although I would argue that most can!) so you may have to look to the deployment support group or other resources (some of which are mentioned/linked in this post and Margaret added some other great ones).

[Kristin]

Thank you for the constructive ideas. I've been an FRG leader before with a deployment added on top of it, and it is not as easy as everyone thinks it is. I appreciate that you point out that it's a two way street when it comes to who's to blame for dysfunctional frgs. It's not always just the leadership or just the soldiers & families. Successful FRGs take teamwork and cooperation from ALL involved, I wish people would realize that as I truly believe FRGs can be a wonderful resource and added benefit for military families.

[Becky and Brad]

I was given this blog address by a neighbor of mine whose son is in Iraq and whose husband will be going back to Iraq in about 2 weeks. It is with sadness that the support that you need is not there. As an elementary music teacher in Little Falls, MN, I have tried to organize drives in support of soldiers and families many times but realize that it is just a drop in the bucket. Many of the students in my classrooms have displaced parents because we border the gates of Camp Ripley.
If you check out our website: www.dreamsak.com you will find a patriotic Dream Sak pillowcase that we offer at a discount to military families as a new and personal way to connect with someone that you love that is far away. I realize that this is only a small step to help you when you need someone to make a huge leap, but thought that i would let you know what we have to offer.
Some FRGs have used Dream Sak as a way to gather together for their monthly meeting and share common problems.

We support your sacrifice and wish that it was happiness around the corner. Becky

[Laura]

My husband is currently deployed and their deployment will end soon. However, we have had an FRG "leader" who can never show up to meetings, and if she does, she has to leave early or shows up late. There is always an excuse. She now decides to step up to the plate and try to take control over the homecoming party. She pushes aside those who have worked for the last 10 months on fundraising and donations and wants to decide how we spend our money. She has gone so far as to have her husband make the plans for their own FRG party. He is the leader of the unit and she is the leader of the FRG. we have all stated our opinions and how we feel, along with how the other soldiers feel, however, to no avail, she still wants the event to go her way. She has done nothing throughout this deployment and now she wants to take our event over. What do i finally say, not to burn my bridges or my husband's bridges?

[Bonny]

Laura,

Let me say that my post will be long, so bear with me.

He is the leader of the unit, so he is the Commander? If that is the case, there may be no solution to your problem. The FRG program is the Commander's program. That means he can run it almost any way he wants to. Do you have a letter of intent from him? Did you ladies sign contracts with him? All this is to be a safeguard against breaking the rules of the program. Yes, the Commander runs the program but there are still rules set down by State that governs how it should be run.

No matter how little she has contributed, she is still the Commander's wife. She will always get recognition for the program. That's the part that sucks!! Everyone knows who did the work but she will be up there, getting the awards and flowers for her "help" with FRG.

Who is in charge of the money for the group? If she is not on the account, then she can be shut out that way. Unless she wants to pay for things out of her own pocket, expenses can be voted on and then bought by the treasurer. If she shows up with receipts, explain that there is only so much money and it is set aside for the things voted on by majority. The FRG does not have to pay anyone back, especially for things bought without the group's consent.

If possible, get the group together and form a united front. Explain your displeasure to her and even the Commander. Remind them that after this deployment is over, you all will be doing an after action report(AAR). He will know what that is. Let them know that he will get a copy, and so will State. The Adjutant General is the one that wants the program to succeed. If the Commander gets a bad mark, his bosses will know about it. Believe me, any negative comments will not stay under wraps for long. Don't threaten, just inform. Do it with a smile and be knowledgable about the FRG program.

I hope this helps. Keep in mind that you have your FAN to go to for advice as well. You should have one locally and regionally. If you have to, go on up to the State level. You should have all these contacts in your FRG Tool Kit, from your training seminars.

[Joe]

Personally, I think that FRGs are a waste of time and should not be sanctioned or in any way affiliated with the United States military. There are too potentially serious letigious issues that can come of their existance. The military and its personel are not in the business of babysitting these groups and in many cases that is what ends up happening. Now if a group of peolpe want to get together and form a group that is independent of the military, I am all for it. There are people out there that want to help and there are those who need help. By all means get them together. But leave the military out of the fray.

[Diana]

Oh my, FRGs. I don't know, since it became somewhat of an official unit thing, it really took the fun out of everything. I personally am looking at FRGs this way:

- I don't want to be tracked for everything
- I don't need a babysitter who sets my social schedule
- I don't need it as emotional support

What I need is this:

Active help:
- jeez, I just moved to our new duty station BY MYSELF (my soldier was already gone training), a little help would have been nice, but nope, I moved and cooked dinner at night for the kids, I was beat I tell ya.
- since I don't know my way around here, getting everything concerning the Community would be great(not happening)
- I care very much about our young, new to the military spouses, education is everything to them...well, not happening (I was thinking about a package for newbies, book recommendations, schedule AFTB classes or give them online resources etc., would have helped me when I was 20 and clueless)

First it took forever until my email made it on the list, now I am not getting anything that would actually help me live life on a new post. Nope, I am running around trying to figure it out myself. FRG could also step up a little more for our new arrivals (we are in Germany), I met so many soldiers and their families, who had no sponsors, no cars etc. They struggled, doesn't have to be.

Well, what I get instead is this. Lots of organizing around for the soldiers who are deployed (what about their families, they are the ones who need the actual help, our soldiers are doing just fine) and events planned on a large scale. Like I said, I do not need someone to schedule my social life, I got that under control. It is called Family Readiness Group, not Family Social Events/send the soldiers more stuff, group. They did a very sloppy job with the pre-deployment info, some of it just now made it to me.

FRG leaders, of course you are human and of course you try hard, but educate your families and make sure they can get ready and prepare for the worst, everything else you do then, is a bonus, that will be appreciated.

[Lorinda]

I am a officer in our Unit's FRG and the money that is given to help operate seems to be a mystery. The tools needed for operation are not being given in sufficient time. It takes months to get set up with the things needed to be functional. Supplies should be plentiful and assessable but, they are not. Getting the help needed to build a strong FRG from the Units and much needed training does not seem to be a priority. So why are FRG's not functioning with great strength....ask where is the operational tools needed for them to operate and provide a much needed service.

[Bonny]

I guess my take on FRG is different, due to different circumstances. I don't live on post so I am not stuck there. I am in the USA while others are not. That I cannot help you with but you guys can still support each other, wherever you are. May I ask? If these are and have been problems before, why was something not set up long ago? It may not be official help but a small group of the oldies could have formed to help the newbies. Any help is better than no help, right?

In all the training and seminars that I have attended, the success or failure of any FRG depends on the Command, senior staff, personnel, and the families themselves. If the Commander does not want this program, he doesn't have to sanction any time or operational tools to support it. If he doesn't support it, neither will any of the senior staff or personnel. The families don't help either when they do not give us their information or keep it current. I cannot call and offer help or resources if I do not have valid information for the family.

As for the financial aspects, like all groups, there needs to be a record set up. Any funds coming in or going out, needs to be signed and approved for, as if it were a bank account that requires two signatures. I keep an accounting log and it is ready for anyone to inspect, if necessary.

The truth is, the FRG can only succeed if everyone steps in to help. No one has any qualms about joining the PTA but joining the FRG is like asking people to dance with the devil. Why? We all complain about the problems but does everyone step in to do something about it? I was assigned the Coordinator position, and could have quit but didn't. Someone had to do it, and I guess it's me this time. There have been issues but most of the time, things go well. It's for the greater good, isn't it?

[gdinola]

to Lorinda:

IAW AR 608-1 Appendix J:
J-1: Concept and Purpose
a. The FRG is a unit commander's program formed in accordance with AR 600-20.
b. An FRG is a command-sponsored organization....

IAW AR 600-20:
5-10. The Total Army Family Program
The Army places a high value on both military and personal preparedness. Commanders have an obligation to provide assistance to establish and maintain personal and family affairs readiness.
b. Examples include Family Readiness Groups....

In other words, Lorinda, he is obligated to establish and support an FRG. He/she has no say in deciding whether or not to "sanction any time or operational tools to support it."

[gdinola]

My apologies to Lorinda; the comment was for Bonny.

[gdinola]

Ladies, if you don't mind, please fill out this anonymous survey on your experiences on the FRG. I am completing my doctorate next month and am finishing my dissertation on this same subject. The survey is at: http://www.questionpro.com/akira/TakeSurvey?id=807026 .
Thank you.

[Bonny]

I cannot solve the FRG problems but can only offer my opinion, which like everyone else's, can be taken or ignored.

I am not saying that FRG's do not have problems but there are times that it does work the way it is supposed to. When that happens, I am proud to be a part of it. When it fails, I can only hope to do better the next time around.

As I have stated here, I have a great relationship with the Commander and the POC. I do know that is not the same with all FRG's. My point with this blog is just to show that not all FRG's are dysfunctional.

To gdinola: My point about the Commander not sanctioning time or tools was that he could make this program as hard or as difficult as he wants. Sure, he cannot ignore the FRG but he can limit his time with us, or find another way to make the FRG work harder than it has to.

I just wish the FG could work as it is outlined on paper, and that it could get the right volunteers to support it.

[blueSchatzy]

Joe really made me angry. What a civi.

[Kleinekat]

This year is my first experience as both a military wife and an frg leader. I have worked in daycares for the past three years which is usually with just women and I can honestly say that when you get a large group of only women together especially one where the members do not voluntarily choose be part of the group there are going to be problems. It honestly is not the soroity that many wives try to make it into, it is a vehicle to get wives information, that is it.

People like to blame something and an frg is an easy thing to complain about and blame for why things aren't so great. All members and leader alike can do is their best job, people are going to criticize and be unhappy regardless, just be genuine and rise above the pettiness that is my advice.