Do I Have to Wear Pantyhose?

"So the Family Readiness Group sent me a card asking why I was not attending their meetings...keep in mind that this was the 1970s..."

The kind and fascinating gentleman had not only just given me a parking voucher at the DFW airport, now he was dropping gems about his experience as a male military spouse once upon a time.

"On the card were all sorts of options.  Cannot find childcare, have work, not interested. Of course my wife would not let me check off the one I wanted to select:"

Wait for it.

"Have to wear pantyhose to meetings."

Well, times have changed, haven't they. Or have they? Are there expectations or assumptions placed on you (from Command, from FRG leaders, from wherever) that bother you or chafe you?

What is the role of the Military Spouse?  What "duties" and "obligations" do we have, if any?  Are mandatory meetings really mandatory?  If you don't go, will it affect your husband's career?  Is your servicemember's job also your job?

DISCLAIMER: I happen to have the time and inclination to be very involved with DH's career.  Up until my baby was born and the command changed, I was a company-level FRG Co-leader.  I still am a key caller for the company-level FRG, the administrator for the Battalion vFRG, etc.  I've been awarded a bunch of pins and framed certificates for this work. I tell you this not to brag, but in the interest of full-disclosure.  I am actively involved in my husband's unit and would never say anyone shouldn't be!

HOWEVER, I do not think it right that this sort of volunteer work seems to be expected of spouses, especially those who are married to officers and senior NCOs.  Just like we should not "wear our servicemember's rank," we should not be expected to take on duties and responsibilities due to our spouse's service.

It is not 1950.  Many of us have jobs and interests apart from our servicemember's career.

I also don't think a spouse owes as a matter of course any more to the soldier's commander than any civilian owes to any servicemember (which is certainly respect and thanks...but not necessarily obedience).  I am a volunteer, not a paid employee or a subordinate.  I am not going to jump through hoops just because someone on staff decided it would be neat that all spouses do x, y, or z.  If it makes sense, or someone asks me nicely as a favor, I'll do it.  Otherwise, I have other important things in my life.

I strongly urge all spouses, no matter what their servicemember's rank, to feel free to talk with ANY military personnel.  That may be because DH and I had careers prior to his joining the military...or maybe it is just because I am too anti-authoritarian to make a good soldier.  DH signed up to obey military orders, I did not.

Now, on to the "mandatory meetings": Nothing is mandatory for spouses.  As someone who has organized these meetings, I can tell you that I have never seen a spouse's attendance or lack thereof affect long term career prospects.  At most, it just has affected whether or not the soldier had to go to PT on Friday.  We want you there, we hope you show up, we really aren't TRYING to bore you (more on this later), but we honestly can't make you come.  At most levels, tracking these things and acting on them would be difficult at any rate.  Private so-and-so is not going to make Specialist faster than Private what's-her-name because one's spouse showed up at some meeting.  I'm sure someone has a story...but that's just my experience from the planning end of things.

As an interesting aside, this is not JUST a military issue.  My sister-in-law is working on a Sociology PhD and she has shown me some interesting research about how being married increases a man's salary and promotion opportunities.  Yes, just men.  Being married actually can HURT a woman's career (at least among civies).  Interesting, huh?

Bottom line (IMHO): A supportive spouse is a boost to anyone's career...but it is not right that you should feel obligated to be hyper-involved in your spouse's career beyond personal support.

I don't pretend to be the authority on this, feel free to agree or disagree in your comments--I'm sure you will!

My intent isn't to be quarrelsome.  Just to share my thoughts!

*Takes a Deep Breath*

Comments

[LAW]

I have NEVER been a "good army wife" I was a volunteer at ACS way back when, when we were active duty. Now, I tried, I really tried, to be active in my FRG, but the leader decided she would just have her husband tell mine that since we weren't officially in the unit, I should quit pointing out what she WASN'T doing (like sending out needed information) and what she WAS doing that was painful to everyone else... as a matter of fact, I should leave. So I did. Now, believe it or not, everything I asked for, everything I talked to her about... has been happening. and who takes all the credit for everyone elses work? yup, Mrs. 1st Sgt... I am also certain that she is very cranky that my husband became, with a hell of a lot of hard work and study, a Warrant Officer... chaps her butt he needs to salute him! such twaddle. We needed to be doing things for each other doing things for the troops deployed... instead we were used to make her look good. THIS is why so many leave FRGs. When the serving spouse gets mixed in, and jumps on Jr enlisted..... family members are scared. If FRGs really do try to help, if they try to be the shoulder you need, the conduit for information and don't worry about rank etc... wonderful, then they are doing the job. If they are made into an obligation, something no one wants to attend, and the rumours start that doing anything except attending and being a "good girl" means the 1st Sgt or the Colonel will climb all over your spouse or your son, you go, with a grudge, and a lot of anger and it turns sour.

I've been an army wife for almost all my married life (almost 29 years) except when my husband got out of the Reserves for a while. I love the "club" feeling sometimes, I hate the insular stupidity we sometimes show each other, the backstabbing and petty jealousies. But then, I see them at my office (paralegal) too. same silly games.

I know I'm rambling, but there are times I remember the way my mom gave up a lot for my dad's career as a Foreign Service Officer, and how the British army wives we met overseas gave up all for their husband's careers. And then I remember with love Mrs Sgt. Maj in Germany who was the perfect Sgt. Majs wife, took us newbie wives under her wing, was there if you needed her, but had a career as well.

So how do we do it all? We don't, we just muddle through the best we can.

jeeeeez... rambling on. sorry.

LAW

[Molly Pitcher]

Hi, LAW...insightful comments as always. I'm working away on a post about dysfunctional FRGs and the options spouses have. This and that one are tough posts to write!

[Army D/W]

Molly, I just read your bio. I have really cold de-ja-vo chills. The I-Man is an attorney turned I-Man!? I was a DODDS teacher/and a teacher here there and everywhere "forever". Let's hold hands now and sing KumByeYa!

Nuff sillyness.

I've watched the FRG from infancy~back when it was "the wives group" and the "platoon wives group" and back when it was neighbors who realized one day "hanging wash out" that their husbands were in the same company. It is a beast of it's own~with heads of all colors~many arms and legs and unfortunatly "Leadership" belives a "requirement" for the officers within the command.

That said: Whew! What a nasty, nasty undertaking. I joined the I-Man's career at an odd level. I was fortunate to watch a totally SOCIAL wives group that slipped needed information in when "needed". That was fun. The officer's wife that was "in charge" was casual, kind, and wouldn't ask anyone to do anything she wasn't doing. AWSOME experience.

Then came Company Command and my first foray into FRG He**. No need to go there~we all have our tails. The I-Man's Company became the "bad seed" because all the wives who wanted to be involved were welcome to be, and if they weren't we sent them the information anyway. The other Company Commander's wives/reps. got burrs up their bu**'s and the petty sniping began.

Second Company was better, but then everyone was MUCH more mature~and there was a "real" mission for everyone as well.

Fast forward~Battalion Command FRG. I do not believe in behaving as if it exsisted when it didn't. The leadership liked to pretend it was in place from above, so I pretended like they were right. At the I-Man's level we did what we had to do, kept rosters in case of emergency and thankfully never had to use them.

The flip side of that was the people within the organization that could do nothing but complain and compare where we were to where they came from. When I say "nothing" I mean, no matter what the venu they never showed up. Honestly, I simply decided to stop pretending like anyone cared. Had my phone number printed in a welcome packet and had coffee with whoever called me.

That was 2 years worth of FRG from the BN Command level. The Company Commander's wifes (those that were married) had no interest in socializing, which was totally understandable. So, I found other places to volunteer my time that were and contiune to be fullfilling parts of my personal life. Within those organizations I have a support network that is invaluable.

Sometime's we have to make our own FRG.

[Army D/W]

Oh and in all those FRG settings the I-Man would make infinitly clear to all that it was HIS FRG and that I was kindly acting as a rep. should he not be avaliable to run it~ie: Deployed.

He and I ALWAYS keep eachother informed of the comings and goings on within HIS FRG. Somewhere it says that FRG is the Commander's Program. Um? Last I checked I'm the commander of my shoe closet ;o)

But, honestly even that dosen't sit well with some of the rank wearing "spouses" out there. Many wanted to hold me and me alone accountable and would "loose it" if they "Demanded" something from me and I had the I-Man provide it.

Commanders Program~at all levels, no pantyhose required.

[LAW]

Army D/W... we made our own group too! The only thing that we worried about was getting unit information since they are deployed. But I still get those heads up from another group.

The National Guard FRG has a problem with logistics, ie we are all over the state! As for the commander... the stay behind CO is too young, not married and is lead by the nose by the leader.. He NEVER gets involved, and we are not permitted to contact him, at least that was what we were told. it's just a power trip.

LAW

[Army D/W]

LAW, last time I checked I could call ANYONE I wanted to. If they don't want to talk to me, they can hang up. My husband fights for their freedom and MINE to do that.

Logistics are tricky. When the I-Man was in Korea, the commander's wife (stateside) created a www for us to pop onto and chat. It was nice, fun and kept us somewhat connected to that Unit feeling. No fund raiser required ;)

The FRG has an obligation to provide information to ALL designated military members. My prayer is that there is someone with 1/2 a brain that is attempting to create for you (the NG faction of our force) something that will work with the logistic issues you face.

Nobody wants to be alone if "The Van" pulls up to their front door, and that is currently happening far too often. We as a Nation and as Milspouses owe it to eachother to fix that problem ASAP!

I strongly encourage everyone to build your own "FRG" send a rep from that group to the "military" version as a spy if you have to steal information, but find "like minded people" to create the support that you need. We sometimes have to be more open as to our personal requirements in friendships and aquaintences, but there are ways of working outside the "traditional" boundrys.

SOAP BOX!!!!She's climbed up there again~somebody take away her ladder already!!!

[Molly Pitcher]

Army D/W:

I am not sure phone calls count as free speech...but I agree that spouses have a right to contact the commander, especially if they are not getting information otherwise.

In the active duty Army, we have an IG. Other alternatives are to go up the chain of command. Of course, realistically, I know some people are afraid of being seen as "the troublemaker." I generally have no such fears.

I personally believe that the military needs to fix FRGs...

However, I am also going to post some tips about what we can do as individuals in the meantime when faced with a dysfunctional FRG.

[Jane]

I am 16 years old.
I like wearing tights with a t-shirt in my house.
And I do not leave my house without a pantyhose,
especially in those days when I wear a skit.
My legs look gorgeous and even attractive.

[ChaoticMom]

I'm loving this post. I've read your blog before, too, I think. I was just trying to find ideas for coffee groups came across this article. I am LMAO at your frankness, and that of those who've left comments. THANK YOU for a bright spot in my day!

Oh, yes, I'm starting a coffee group from scratch, and FRG. Newly formed unit, no history whatsoever. I'm trying to start things right, from the very beginning. I've seen the good, bad and ugly, tons of experience. If anyone has ideas that HAVE WORKED WELL, please feel free to pass them along to me. ;)

[Isa]

I recall when I first started attending the FRG meetings it was only three spouses out of seven that will show up. Care packages were made, homemade holiday gifts, ornaments, etc. were sent and still the other four never showed up. It's funny because they seem to have excluded themselves from the unit gatherings. I personally, only show up just as a sign that I support my husband and will do what is needed to help make the soldier's feel that some families still support them and try to keep them comfortable with care packages. I don't have time to gossip because frankly, I don't care what people say. I know when people talk it's either they're jealous, nosy, and need more things to do on there list. A retired Sergeant Major's wife once told me, just do what you were there to do in the first place and when it's done, it means it's time to go.